The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[I_Write_Ivre]

Jiraku

I_Write_Ivre

Basic geography is your enemy

Of course! Use your S000PURR SPESHUL AWSUM POWAHZ to distort time and space!

And change climate.

[fabulous dahling]

Herb Bread

((Sorry didn't mean to make it look like you've double posted I_Write_lvre, I just realised my last post was specifically related to role play and may not be as relevant to this thread.))


Don't pay any attention to well thought out and detailed critisims of your work, they're still critisims and best ignored. You've got talent and require no feedback because your work is perfect.

And anyone who says otherwise is a prep!

((If you want, you can go post it here, if you still remember what you wrote, that is.))

[eden-of-mine]

Writing that a character "jeezes" every single sentence for three paragraphs is creative and not ******** retarded at all.

Also, you should change the setting constantly. Try starting out in one, like Hawaii, then making it Mexican, then making it Asian. The reader will be on the edge of their seat!

And when anyone questions this after you've ASKED them for a critical review, call them ignorant and bitter and proclaim you don't need to listen to them because you've been published in "prestigious" magazines.

((This all happened. OMFG.))

[Rid V]

I’m going to be posting this post whenever I remember (as often as every couple pages to as rare as every dozen pages or so). If I post it right after you post, do not be offended: this post is not meant to target ANYONE. It is merely to prevent the recurrence of several topics. These topics, once arising, have proven difficult to squash. The Anti-Guide has several times nearly drowned in the repetition caused by these topics. The topics, dubbed the Solemn Truths, are so solemnly true that discussing them is practically pointless. So while mentioning them is not forbidden, please also try to bring up some new points, too. Thank you, have a nice day!

Here Be the Solemn Truths, God Wrote

-The hero/ine is always perfect/handsome/talented/sexually appealing/a virgin/the savior/a Mary-Sue/etc.

-The hero and heroine get it on in the end because of True Love. Usually with lots of steamy and pointless sex. They also probably argued in the beginning, but what the hell. It’s True Love. On that note, the Forbidden Love is a wonderful way to add OMG Depth to your story.

-In fact, the male main character and the female main character must have hot sex every chapter. Or the uke and the seme if you’re writing yaoi.

-The female main character will never find her first sexual experience painful or frightening in any way. Sex between main character is always perfect.

-The main character shall Angst A Lot, possibly because of a Tragic Past. Or maybe because of a Forbidden Love. surprised Poetry shall ensue, and it shall be beautiful and meaningful and make your reader weep.

-The main character’s parents must have been the most abusive people on the face of the planet. Or they died when the main character was young. Or both. This rule also extends to stepparents.

-The main character should never appreciate her/his station in life. This goes triple if the main character is a princess.

-Sidekicks are loveable characters whose deaths invariably push the hero to finally go all out against the villain.

-There are never any shades of grey and there is never any middle ground. For example, villains’ motives are always evil; heroes’ motives are always pure.

-The villain is either the epitome of evil, or they must be completely redeemed, no in-betweens.

-Only villainous characters are allowed to be seriously ugly.

-Vampires are always incredibly sexy, and angst a lot about being immortal and having to drink blood. Their one and only true love is always human.

-The government is always evil. At least, it never works in favor of the hero. Even if the hero started out with the government, by the end of the story, half of the government is after the hero.

-Absolutely anything the hero does can and should be sexy.

-Destiny, prophecies, and being the Chosen One makes the world go round. Remember, it was Fated to happen! Bonus points for having the prophecy in half-obscured iambic pentameter hidden in an ancient text of some sort.

-Plot twists involving the enemy turning out to be somehow related (by blood or by friendship) to one of the hero's parents are quite excellent.

-All Good-aligned female characters must spend at least half the story getting rescued by the males.

-Good-aligned female characters come in two flavors: sweet, dependent, helpless little Ultra-Femmes who love nothing better than housework and being rescued by the hero; and tough, abrasive, independent, foul-mouthed Action Girls who either hate men or are total sluts and never need anyone’s help no matter what. The latter only lasts until she stumbles across the male main character; at that point, True Love will develop, and she will instantly and happily transform into the former.

-All heroic characters’ death scenes must be accompanied by at least one of the following Deathbed Dialogues™: the scene with "I love yous"; the scene where one character tries to convince the other that they can still be saved, no matter how badly wounded they are; and the scene where the dying character dies just after/just before imparting some vital information.

-All stories must contain copious amounts of death, destruction, doom and gloom or they are completely worthless.

-Resurrections must always occur, as frequently as possible.

-Redemption equals death.

-Tragedy equals realism.

-Viewers are morons.

-Odd-colored eyes are awesome and significant. Also, eyes shall be described as orbs and compared to jewels, regardless of color. Additionally, unnatural eye colors, such as purple or rainbow, and mismatched eye colors are a must.

-There is no such thing as too much description for a main character. Use as many verbose phrases as possible, and hopefully manage to break up the description into several paragraphs.

-Using random references to Japan and lots of Japanese-style names is the way to go. Giving your main character Japanese (or just Japanese-sounding) names is simply a must.

-The greatest and most widely used tool in any setting is the sword—preferably, a Japanese katana.

-All protagonists buy their clothes at Hot Topic.

-In fantasy, all female characters wear either slinky dresses, or something that’s basically either a chain mail or leather bikini.

-Beta-readers, editors, and all forms critics must always agree with you, otherwise, they are stupid, and their views can be discounted.

-Using weird spelling, spastic fonts and colors, and ignoring grammar is an awesome thing to do. Everbody knoes reel spelnig is fo OMG!! L00ZRZ!!!! LOLZ!!!

-Research is overrated.

-Historical/political/cultural/social/scientific accuracy is overrated.

-Plagiarism is to be embraced, not avoided.

[I_Write_Ivre]

People of different races are fine.

People of mixed race (save for Japanese American so you can have awesome names) is not.

[Ambrey]

I_Write_Ivre

People of different races are fine.

People of mixed race (save for Japanese American so you can have awesome names) is not.

Actually, they're a great way to make your setting more exotic and show off how not-racist you are.

[I_Write_Ivre]

Do not make your characters realistic. Your readers came to read general awesome-tastic stereotypes.

[eden-of-mine]

If your character is working with the government, it's good. That, or they discover what's wrong with it, fix it, and everything's better.

[I_Write_Ivre]

A Nightmare of Eden

If your character is working with the government, it's good. That, or they discover what's wrong with it, fix it, and everything's better.

Consequently, overturning a government doesn't harm anyone but the bad guys.

[eden-of-mine]

Also, you should never make a character that has or ends up having different religious/spiritual beliefs, because as we all know, anybody with different opinions is a dirty sinner.

[eden-of-mine]

I_Write_Ivre

A Nightmare of Eden

If your character is working with the government, it's good. That, or they discover what's wrong with it, fix it, and everything's better.

Consequently, overturning a government doesn't harm anyone but the bad guys.

And when the good guys take over the government, everything turns into Utopia.

[I_Write_Ivre]

A Nightmare of Eden

I_Write_Ivre

A Nightmare of Eden

If your character is working with the government, it's good. That, or they discover what's wrong with it, fix it, and everything's better.

Consequently, overturning a government doesn't harm anyone but the bad guys.

And when the good guys take over the government, everything turns into Utopia.

All Utopias are perfectly perfect. Not nearly perfect. So there is no need for police or juries or even evidence, but no one finds a flaw in this either.

[MiaIkumis#1Fan]

I_Write_Ivre

A Nightmare of Eden

I_Write_Ivre

A Nightmare of Eden

If your character is working with the government, it's good. That, or they discover what's wrong with it, fix it, and everything's better.

Consequently, overturning a government doesn't harm anyone but the bad guys.

And when the good guys take over the government, everything turns into Utopia.

All Utopias are perfectly perfect. Not nearly perfect. So there is no need for police or juries or even evidence, but no one finds a flaw in this either.

And the utopia is ALWAYS lead by a king or queen. Monarchy > Democracy, after all.

Oh, and the no one has a problem with the new rulers at all. And they aren't dictators, no matter how much power and control they hold.

[eden-of-mine]

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with a monarchy as long as your character is in power.

[I_Write_Ivre]

A Nightmare of Eden

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with a monarchy as long as your character is in power.

And there's only two types of governments, democracies and monarchies.

Where someone is in absolute rule and kills all those who even think against them? Monarchy

Where there's a ruler, but everyone works together and gets free care? Monarchy.

One ruled with a bunch or other guys to also make decisions? Democracy.