The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[Rid V]

NPC Chain

pinto_sprite

To improve my writing I:

*Add some comedy
*Add foreshadowing, similes, metaphors, personification, irony, etc.
*Whack up or whack down a character
*edit characters
*talk to my characters and see what they think
*draw things out so I can have it visual

... You fail it.

Just curious, I got this link by e-mail, but does this thread say "READ FIRST POST"? I think it would help if it doesn't.

Oh, and just so I'm not taking up space, I'll throw in a word about glass. Following up on my comment on wood, I will point out that glass is also a lot less durable than it appears. One medium-force prod from a blunt stick will shatter a missile-proof glass window, and all glass bottles can be correctly shattered by a twelve-year-old child. Never mind that stuff in Night Watch about people getting glass shards in their hands if they hit the bottle the wrong way, everyone knows better than to believe what Terry Pratchett has to say about anything.

[Morizawa]

KiwiOfDestruction

The 1600s, 1700s, and 1800s NEVER HAPPENED. It's either medieval, feudal Japanese, modern, or in the future.

If your protagonist is African-American (FOMG how will she have luxuriant golden locks, moon-colored skin, and saphire (spelling it sapphire is for losers who like grammar) eyes?), all they must ever think about is the opression of african-american people. They must never think of anything else. All that opression occupies 100% of their minds. I mean, even if it's set in a futuristic, utopian society, all they will ever think about is the opression of african-americans. Because everyone knows that's all actual African-Americans ever think about. rolleyes ((This one REALLY pisses me off. Especially the fact that a lot of the people who write this are published. I understand that oppression sucks and people are going to think about it, but when you're, say, inadvertantly speaking in tongues, the last thing on your mind will be oppression.)

Yes yes, they must completely leave out that there were races that were oppressed with them, as well as ones that were screwed over even WORSE than them(that's right there were races of people much worse off than african americans were by a hundred yards or more, examples, the jewish people(the holocaust), native americans especially(perhaps more so than any other race in history) and so on.)


(I completely sympathize with your opinion on this, i get so sick of hearing how african american slaves were beaten and all that crap when in fact... get this... it was NOWHERE NEAR as bad as people claimed it to be, slaves could get up to 200-400-800 dollars a slave and considering how during that time they bought land for a penny an acre that'd be like walking out side and kicking your roll's royce for the cigarette lighter not working. Oh and one of the wealthiest slave owning families in american history was a BLACK FAMILY. Yes, black people owned slaves as well...

Not to mention the fact that african americans were not the only damn slaves for god's sake. There were black slaves, native american slaves and even white slaves, yes white people were slaves too at one point, and at one point somewhere near the beginning, the majority of the slave population was white people. -_-)

[Chibi_Sunflower]

((I worship this thread by the way. Sorry if this is a repeat))

Stories written in script form, even though they're not supposed to be a play/tv/movie/whatever script, are ZOMG THE KOOLST EVA!!!!!11!!! It's so much easier for your readers to understand and follow.

And twins...there is always an evil twin. Better still identical twins, one is evil and the other (your hero) is good. And then if you're in the mood for ZOMG TEH PLOT TWIZT!!! The your good twin gets mistaken for the evil one....no one will see it comming. 3nodding

[kitedragon]

@ Morizawa: Yes, I completely agree. Nothing could be worse then the cruelties that the tribe/clan/family of your main character suffered.

((Even though it was said that at the Nanjing massacre and other major cities the rivers ran red with blood and bodies etc. Not to mention thr crusades, the vikings, the mafia, and any other society on the planet that has ever caused suffering to others. I once read a kid's book a couple years ago, and while I read it, I knew it as bull. Basically a book on how the British were evil rapists with red eyes who tried to raid the Americans but were driven back by "brave patriots who had the best of the best among weapons and supplies." Now that's more like something you're character's family/clan/tribe suffered.))

[Morizawa]

kitedragon

@ Morizawa: Yes, I completely agree. Nothing could be worse then the cruelties that the tribe/clan/family of your main character suffered.

((Even though it was said that at the Nanjing massacre and other major cities the rivers ran red with blood and bodies etc. Not to mention thr crusades, the vikings, the mafia, and any other society on the planet that has ever caused suffering to others. I once read a kid's book a couple years ago, and while I read it, I knew it as bull. Basically a book on how the British were evil rapists with red eyes who tried to raid the Americans but were driven back by "brave patriots who had the best of the best among weapons and supplies." Now that's more like something you're character's family/clan/tribe suffered.))

(every society has caused suffering to others, EVERY. America screwed over native americans. the dutch screwed over africa. The spanish screwed over the dutch. The spanish screwed over the aztecs, the spanish screwed over pretty much everything from central to south america. The japanese screwed themselves over with constant internal strife. The chinese suffered from the same thing a long time ago near 200 ad times. Native americans warred among themselves (though if they had formed a nation there is no way in hell the europeans would have stood even a remote chance of taking over) But the vikings, they were alot less "kill kill kill" than one might think, the vikings were very interesting in my opinion, though anyway my point being that every culture or society that has gotten a bad rap has basically been just as bad as every other culture. The british were partly responsible for there being racism in america(the general british culture at the time was, in my opinion, snobbish, they seemed to have a whole "I'm better than you" air about them... though i suppose that isn't much different than any other culture? Anyway it was that snobbishness that played a role in racism somehow... not exactly sure how but anyway...), the vikings were the reason there even was a britain, the vikings were the reason there was a germany, iceland, greenland, holland, norway and sweden. There is no culture that is any worse than any other, granted they have all made mistakes but they have made no worse mistakes than the rest of us.)

When it comes to heritage, your character must always ALWAYS be the last survivor of some ancient and endangered/extinct race(DBZ anyone?) and that heritage somehow makes him much better than every other race by folds of 2 or more, rather than focusing on a central pivot of balance... eh screw it just make him a super man... no no wait, a SUPER super man!

[KiwiOfDestruction]

Morizawa

KiwiOfDestruction

The 1600s, 1700s, and 1800s NEVER HAPPENED. It's either medieval, feudal Japanese, modern, or in the future.

If your protagonist is African-American (FOMG how will she have luxuriant golden locks, moon-colored skin, and saphire (spelling it sapphire is for losers who like grammar) eyes?), all they must ever think about is the opression of african-american people. They must never think of anything else. All that opression occupies 100% of their minds. I mean, even if it's set in a futuristic, utopian society, all they will ever think about is the opression of african-americans. Because everyone knows that's all actual African-Americans ever think about. rolleyes ((This one REALLY pisses me off. Especially the fact that a lot of the people who write this are published. I understand that oppression sucks and people are going to think about it, but when you're, say, inadvertantly speaking in tongues, the last thing on your mind will be oppression.)

Yes yes, they must completely leave out that there were races that were oppressed with them, as well as ones that were screwed over even WORSE than them(that's right there were races of people much worse off than african americans were by a hundred yards or more, examples, the jewish people(the holocaust), native americans especially(perhaps more so than any other race in history) and so on.)


(I completely sympathize with your opinion on this, i get so sick of hearing how african american slaves were beaten and all that crap when in fact... get this... it was NOWHERE NEAR as bad as people claimed it to be, slaves could get up to 200-400-800 dollars a slave and considering how during that time they bought land for a penny an acre that'd be like walking out side and kicking your roll's royce for the cigarette lighter not working. Oh and one of the wealthiest slave owning families in american history was a BLACK FAMILY. Yes, black people owned slaves as well...

Not to mention the fact that african americans were not the only damn slaves for god's sake. There were black slaves, native american slaves and even white slaves, yes white people were slaves too at one point, and at one point somewhere near the beginning, the majority of the slave population was white people. -_-)

((True dat. Let me tell you a story about a slave:
Once upon a time, in the 1700's, a black girl was bought by a slave family. The family was, get this, nice to her, and they even taught her to read and write! (For those of you who don't know, if someone cares about their ownership of their slaves, they DON'T teach the slaves to read and write, because the slaves could just forge the documents of release and get the hell out of there.) So the only thing keeping this girl with the slave owners was her own free will (or possibly a lack of common sense). Gee, don't you think they would have been nice to her if it was only her own free will keeping her there? She grew up to be a fairly famous poet. True story. My rant earlier was inspired by Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry.. Cassie was thinking about black oppression when her land was burning. Now, raise your hand if you'd be thinking about black oppression when your land is burning instead of "HOLY ******** WE HAVE GOT TO PUT THAT OUT! IT'S OUR ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME FOMG WE WILL BE BANKRUPT!" If your hand is raised, please leave now. I mean, I can understand that thing with Lillian Jean, but honestly.))

Your characters must not like any of the following movies:
~Sleepless in Seattle
~Steel Magnolias
~Matrix Revolutions
~Bring it On

No one in history has ever liked these movies. rolleyes (I have met people who like the Matrix Revolutions, before people start calling me on that.

[Morizawa]

KiwiOfDestruction

Morizawa

KiwiOfDestruction

The 1600s, 1700s, and 1800s NEVER HAPPENED. It's either medieval, feudal Japanese, modern, or in the future.

If your protagonist is African-American (FOMG how will she have luxuriant golden locks, moon-colored skin, and saphire (spelling it sapphire is for losers who like grammar) eyes?), all they must ever think about is the opression of african-american people. They must never think of anything else. All that opression occupies 100% of their minds. I mean, even if it's set in a futuristic, utopian society, all they will ever think about is the opression of african-americans. Because everyone knows that's all actual African-Americans ever think about. rolleyes ((This one REALLY pisses me off. Especially the fact that a lot of the people who write this are published. I understand that oppression sucks and people are going to think about it, but when you're, say, inadvertantly speaking in tongues, the last thing on your mind will be oppression.)

Yes yes, they must completely leave out that there were races that were oppressed with them, as well as ones that were screwed over even WORSE than them(that's right there were races of people much worse off than african americans were by a hundred yards or more, examples, the jewish people(the holocaust), native americans especially(perhaps more so than any other race in history) and so on.)


(I completely sympathize with your opinion on this, i get so sick of hearing how african american slaves were beaten and all that crap when in fact... get this... it was NOWHERE NEAR as bad as people claimed it to be, slaves could get up to 200-400-800 dollars a slave and considering how during that time they bought land for a penny an acre that'd be like walking out side and kicking your roll's royce for the cigarette lighter not working. Oh and one of the wealthiest slave owning families in american history was a BLACK FAMILY. Yes, black people owned slaves as well...

Not to mention the fact that african americans were not the only damn slaves for god's sake. There were black slaves, native american slaves and even white slaves, yes white people were slaves too at one point, and at one point somewhere near the beginning, the majority of the slave population was white people. -_-)

((True dat. Let me tell you a story about a slave:
Once upon a time, in the 1700's, a black girl was bought by a slave family. The family was, get this, nice to her, and they even taught her to read and write! (For those of you who don't know, if someone cares about their ownership of their slaves, they DON'T teach the slaves to read and write, because the slaves could just forge the documents of release and get the hell out of there.) So the only thing keeping this girl with the slave owners was her own free will (or possibly a lack of common sense). Gee, don't you think they would have been nice to her if it was only her own free will keeping her there? She grew up to be a fairly famous poet. True story. My rant earlier was inspired by Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry.. Cassie was thinking about black oppression when her land was burning. Now, raise your hand if you'd be thinking about black oppression when your land is burning instead of "HOLY ******** WE HAVE GOT TO PUT THAT OUT! IT'S OUR ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME FOMG WE WILL BE BANKRUPT!" If your hand is raised, please leave now. I mean, I can understand that thing with Lillian Jean, but honestly.))

Your characters must not like any of the following movies:
~Sleepless in Seattle
~Steel Magnolias
~Matrix Revolutions
~Bring it On

No one in history has ever liked these movies. rolleyes (I have met people who like the Matrix Revolutions, before people start calling me on that.

(yeah i'm one of the ones that liked matrix revolutions >_> wink

There must never be any form of currency that is unique to the world of the story. All currency is just dollars and cents everywhere, it's a universal rule.

[Astarael--Banisher]

Morizawa

KiwiOfDestruction

Morizawa

KiwiOfDestruction

The 1600s, 1700s, and 1800s NEVER HAPPENED. It's either medieval, feudal Japanese, modern, or in the future.

If your protagonist is African-American (FOMG how will she have luxuriant golden locks, moon-colored skin, and saphire (spelling it sapphire is for losers who like grammar) eyes?), all they must ever think about is the opression of african-american people. They must never think of anything else. All that opression occupies 100% of their minds. I mean, even if it's set in a futuristic, utopian society, all they will ever think about is the opression of african-americans. Because everyone knows that's all actual African-Americans ever think about. rolleyes ((This one REALLY pisses me off. Especially the fact that a lot of the people who write this are published. I understand that oppression sucks and people are going to think about it, but when you're, say, inadvertantly speaking in tongues, the last thing on your mind will be oppression.)

Yes yes, they must completely leave out that there were races that were oppressed with them, as well as ones that were screwed over even WORSE than them(that's right there were races of people much worse off than african americans were by a hundred yards or more, examples, the jewish people(the holocaust), native americans especially(perhaps more so than any other race in history) and so on.)


(I completely sympathize with your opinion on this, i get so sick of hearing how african american slaves were beaten and all that crap when in fact... get this... it was NOWHERE NEAR as bad as people claimed it to be, slaves could get up to 200-400-800 dollars a slave and considering how during that time they bought land for a penny an acre that'd be like walking out side and kicking your roll's royce for the cigarette lighter not working. Oh and one of the wealthiest slave owning families in american history was a BLACK FAMILY. Yes, black people owned slaves as well...

Not to mention the fact that african americans were not the only damn slaves for god's sake. There were black slaves, native american slaves and even white slaves, yes white people were slaves too at one point, and at one point somewhere near the beginning, the majority of the slave population was white people. -_-)

((True dat. Let me tell you a story about a slave:
Once upon a time, in the 1700's, a black girl was bought by a slave family. The family was, get this, nice to her, and they even taught her to read and write! (For those of you who don't know, if someone cares about their ownership of their slaves, they DON'T teach the slaves to read and write, because the slaves could just forge the documents of release and get the hell out of there.) So the only thing keeping this girl with the slave owners was her own free will (or possibly a lack of common sense). Gee, don't you think they would have been nice to her if it was only her own free will keeping her there? She grew up to be a fairly famous poet. True story. My rant earlier was inspired by Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry.. Cassie was thinking about black oppression when her land was burning. Now, raise your hand if you'd be thinking about black oppression when your land is burning instead of "HOLY ******** WE HAVE GOT TO PUT THAT OUT! IT'S OUR ONLY SOURCE OF INCOME FOMG WE WILL BE BANKRUPT!" If your hand is raised, please leave now. I mean, I can understand that thing with Lillian Jean, but honestly.))

Your characters must not like any of the following movies:
~Sleepless in Seattle
~Steel Magnolias
~Matrix Revolutions
~Bring it On

No one in history has ever liked these movies. rolleyes (I have met people who like the Matrix Revolutions, before people start calling me on that.

(yeah i'm one of the ones that liked matrix revolutions >_> wink

There must never be any form of currency that is unique to the world of the story. All currency is just dollars and cents everywhere, it's a universal rule.

However, if there is a currency, it is always gold. As in Gaia, you would say 'the drink costs forty GOLD'. Or make up some weird currency. But focus on it! Foreign currencies are passionately exciting and you must spend a chapter describing them. Unless, of course, you ignore it, in which case, it's modern-day currency, of course.

[Astarael--Banisher]

Cats and dogs may be evil, but they're graceful while they're being evil. But usually, cats and dogs are GOOD. That's 'cos they're fluffy and adorable. Insects, of course, are a favorite of bad guys. Good insects are laughable, unless they're nice, colorful ones like the butterfly.

And did I mention animals talk? Yes, despire the contradiction in anatomy, animals can speak the human language.
Or, if you're keeping that difference of anatomy in mind, make them telepathic! Animals, you know, ARE telepathic, and they can form thoughts understandable to humans as well. Obviously. Sheesh, haven't you even talked mind to mind with your pet goldfish? Jerk.

[Hekiko]

Here let me try. Dump ink on me for any of these if they've been mentioned.

- No fantasy culture can have a system of values different from modern western society. If it does, your hero/ine must always be against those values which contradict from modern society. In addition, all religions, holidays, and traditons must have some basis on well-known Earth customs.

- Go ahead, insert random foreign words into your story that's only arbitrarily connected to the language. Readers will always get it, unless they're really dumb. It doesn't interrupt the flow of the story at all. If you've never had any experience actually speaking or writing the language, your story will be even cooler.

- While were on the topic of language in stories, be as pretentious as you wish. Really. Clarity is for people with inferior vocabulary, and you're better than that. If you don't have a big enough vocabularly to be really pretentious, go to the Thesaurus program in your word processer, take it into the back alley and mug it off all the impressive looking words you can have.

[wingnut the improbable]

Another note on animals- if the story is about cute, fluffy forest animals whose homes got destroyed by the Big Nasty Humans (splendid story idea by the way... assuming you're in grade two) all the forest animals can talk to each other no matter what species they are, but they can't talk to the humans. Because humans aren't animals. Duh.

Alsoe, pute e's or ie's one th ende ofe everie worde excepte wordse thate actuallie neede theme. It'se legibl. Truste m.

[Clare_N]

wingnut the improbable

Another note on animals- if the story is about cute, fluffy forest animals whose homes got destroyed by the Big Nasty Humans (splendid story idea by the way... assuming you're in grade two) all the forest animals can talk to each other no matter what species they are, but they can't talk to the humans. Because humans aren't animals. Duh.

Talking of animals, don't forget to portray each species in the following ways:

Foxes should always be sly and underhanded, as should weasels and ferrets. Rats are invariably dirty (both figuratively and literally) and have various disgusting habits. Cats and dogs must NEVER get along and, the instant a dog sees a cat, it should chase it up the nearest tree. Cats must also be snobbish and look down their noses at everything - especially dogs. Cows and sheep are always dozy and do little but stand around munching grass, while pigs like eating and wallowing in the mud. Mice are always "the good guys" (especially if you've got a cat as your antagonist) but all human females should, on seeing a mouse, jump onto the nearest chair or stool and start shrieking loudly.

Baby animals are ALWAYS cute, but kittens, puppies, ducklings, chicks, lambs . . . etc are especially so.

[kitedragon]

When there is a gruesome battle that your character has just experienced, the aftermath at most could be that everybody but your main character(s) died, but at the sake of wiping out the entire invading army. And if there are any good soldier-guys that survived, they never have to worry about aputating a limb, or crying over a dead friend, go insane and attack their commanding officer (unless they're already evil of course) mutiny (unless they're once again evil) dessert (evil) die of blood loss on the way home, starve to death, freeze to death, die of exhaustion, die from faulty logisitcs ex: a wheel fell off a wagon and crushed them, get killed by their own horses/dragons/elephants/tigers/crossbreed between a llama and a dragon and a unicorn and a tiger and an elephant, get executed by a commanding officer due to missbehavior, and any other risk there is to be in warfare. Either none of that happen, or all those good soldier people get killed trying to defend the 12 year old main character.

[Alybrylla]

kitedragon

When there is a gruesome battle that your character has just experienced, the aftermath at most could be that everybody but your main character(s) died, but at the sake of wiping out the entire invading army. And if there are any good soldier-guys that survived, they never have to worry about aputating a limb, or crying over a dead friend, go insane and attack their commanding officer (unless they're already evil of course) mutiny (unless they're once again evil) dessert (evil) die of blood loss on the way home, starve to death, freeze to death, die of exhaustion, die from faulty logisitcs ex: a wheel fell off a wagon and crushed them, get killed by their own horses/dragons/elephants/tigers/crossbreed between a llama and a dragon and a unicorn and a tiger and an elephant, get executed by a commanding officer due to missbehavior, and any other risk there is to be in warfare. Either none of that happen, or all those good soldier people get killed trying to defend the 12 year old main character.

Yes the 12 year old main character. There's not one person who wouldn't risk their life for him/her. No one ever laughes at the fact that someone is proceting a 12 year old, unless of coures their the bad guy! And the 12 year old compleatly understands why everyone is risking their lives for him and really would like it if they would let him watch after himself. He hates the fact that he isn't allowed to fight for fear of him getting hurt!

[Lockea]

Concerning bad guys.
There must always be a goodguy that turns bad, then at the last minute changes back and tells the hero(ine) how foolish he was for turning against them, betraying them. He must always show remorse just before he dies.

Fantasy stories must always follow this theme: Save the world from dire Evil.
Never mind writing about smaller stories like the happenings at an inn, or a smaller scale problem. Charles deLint has no clue what he's talking about, small stories are for lozers and n00bs who can't handle the bigger, better stuff.

NEVER use normal foods in writing. Normal foods exist on earth, they do not exist in your fantasy world or post apocalyptic world, never mind that they look and taste like apples, they're still not apples.

((I'm writing for a literary magazine at my school, and I want to publish some ideas from the anti-guide. I plan to sight the forum but not the individual avators, if anyone has a problem with me using ideas from here, let me know.))