The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[hecate-athena]

Eye-bleeding is the latest trend. Walking around with blood streaming from your retinas is very attractive. wink

[Your Neighbor Totoro]

hecate-athena

Eye-bleeding is the latest trend. Walking around with blood streaming from your retinas is very attractive. wink

stigmata is fun!!!

[Lord_of_the_Funk]

no mater what your story is about there always has to be at least one crazy preist who ether a. renoinces his faith to be ether and athiest or the faith of your protaganest b. a right winged anti semetic d**k hole homoforbic little boy malester or (MOST IMPORTENTLY) c. the man whowont listen to the protaganest superior nolage of god and ether end up dieing or going insain (then dieing)


your post-apocaliptic budies

if your story takes place in the oh so origanal post opocolitic s**t hole these are thecharacter gide lines

1. ex-cop who has been harden and almost numb because of the s**t he has witnesses (he must at some point in the story he must fall in love and have crazy munkey sex in a upsidown bote on the side of the river)

2. the pregnet girl, she must never die because her baby must be the new savor or something like that, the babies father must have been ether been abusive or killed but not really dead and showes up but has turned evil. she falls inlove with the ex-cop.

3. the retard...must have some sort of magical power because how wants to read about a normal mentaly retarded person? its just not koooolllll

4. the crazy priest....you know what I am talking about

5. and my favoret the bad a** guy with the hart of gold
ex. bob: hay dan
dad: ******** off
bob: Joe that dan is such a bad a**
joe: well that bad has just doneated 203848$ to the homless shelter for orfens with no hands!

[Lord_of_the_Funk]

TJ1990

hecate-athena

Eye-bleeding is the latest trend. Walking around with blood streaming from your retinas is very attractive. wink

stigmata is fun!!!

lol

[Muffers]

Lord_of_the_Funk

remember this


vampyers (and yse it must be spelled like that) must enjoy being a vampyer

gasp! you meen to say that people might not like not being able to go out in the sun, have no reflection, have a lust for bodly fluids, and never be able to get a desent tan...I mean honstly whats more fun then that!

oh and forget all that stuff about bats and middevil transalvanion casles your vampyer must be a supper hyper cool modern teen vampyer living in newyork who always weres chains and listen to Slayer.

Oh heck, don't stop there. If they aren't overjoyed in perpetual bliss for being a vampire/vampyre/vampier, then they must be depressed and angst-filled to the point of near suicide. Oh, but the unfortunate soul must never ever commit suicide. Even though they may hate this curse of eternity and damnation of their soul to Hell, they will never ever drink holy water, dance in garlic cloves, starve themselves, or walk outside in the sun.

But if they do starve themselves, make sure that they turn into a maddened creature that can't control itself until it gets blood again.

[Lockea]

The Hero(ine) must always have a death somewhere in their past. They must have lost a loved one at one point.

Also, in stories with Vampires, the Vampire must always be awesomely cool, because who wants to read about a boring regular Vampire (I love you Charles deLint, "Sisters" was such an awesome story!) who can get by on cow blood or something? They must always drink human blood of the smexxiest human around who ALWAYS looks just like a vampire should, but it MUST be a human FAR more beautiful and fabulous that becomes a vampire and falls in love with already a vampire hero(ine).

Oh yes, and because it's so important that it should be said multiple times: TEH RULS OF GRAMMER R TEH RULS OF OLD D00D$ WHO DONT GET US L33T AGE KIDS!!!!

Run on paragraphs are so hot. Everyone wants to read a story written in one paragraph, so do it, damn you!

Everyone wants to read short chapters that are only one paragraph long all the time. We love spending more time downloading pages than reading a story.

Also really popular is to write like this or larger.

((This is awesome. Now I have the urge to write a totally cliche fic and post it as an example...))

[LaverneTerres]

Hey there, growing authors! Don't read this thread! Ever! It's bad for your health!

This was a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the symbol ¤ cause that's the only symbol Laverne knows how to make online!

[Jasper Riddle]

Lockea

The Hero(ine) must always have a death somewhere in their past. They must have lost a loved one at one point.

Also, in stories with Vampires, the Vampire must always be awesomely cool, because who wants to read about a boring regular Vampire (I love you Charles deLint, "Sisters" was such an awesome story!) who can get by on cow blood or something? They must always drink human blood of the smexxiest human around who ALWAYS looks just like a vampire should, but it MUST be a human FAR more beautiful and fabulous that becomes a vampire and falls in love with already a vampire hero(ine).

Oh yes, and because it's so important that it should be said multiple times: TEH RULS OF GRAMMER R TEH RULS OF OLD D00D$ WHO DONT GET US L33T AGE KIDS!!!!

Run on paragraphs are so hot. Everyone wants to read a story written in one paragraph, so do it, damn you!

Everyone wants to read short chapters that are only one paragraph long all the time. We love spending more time downloading pages than reading a story.

Also really popular is to write like this or larger.

((This is awesome. Now I have the urge to write a totally cliche fic and post it as an example...))

And these vamps must always hunt for the purest blood. Yes, there is a difference between hobo-blood and virgin schoolgirl-blood.

[Lockea]

Jasper Riddle

Lockea

The Hero(ine) must always have a death somewhere in their past. They must have lost a loved one at one point.

Also, in stories with Vampires, the Vampire must always be awesomely cool, because who wants to read about a boring regular Vampire (I love you Charles deLint, "Sisters" was such an awesome story!) who can get by on cow blood or something? They must always drink human blood of the smexxiest human around who ALWAYS looks just like a vampire should, but it MUST be a human FAR more beautiful and fabulous that becomes a vampire and falls in love with already a vampire hero(ine).

Oh yes, and because it's so important that it should be said multiple times: TEH RULS OF GRAMMER R TEH RULS OF OLD D00D$ WHO DONT GET US L33T AGE KIDS!!!!

Run on paragraphs are so hot. Everyone wants to read a story written in one paragraph, so do it, damn you!

Everyone wants to read short chapters that are only one paragraph long all the time. We love spending more time downloading pages than reading a story.

Also really popular is to write like this or larger.

((This is awesome. Now I have the urge to write a totally cliche fic and post it as an example...))

And these vamps must always hunt for the purest blood. Yes, there is a difference between hobo-blood and virgin schoolgirl-blood.

oh yeah! Slayer blood is especially tasty.

[hecate-athena]

Laverne Terres

Hey there, growing authors! Don't read this thread! Ever! It's bad for your health!

This was a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the symbol ¤ cause that's the only symbol Laverne knows how to make online!

We already have a disclaimer Lavvy, it's on the front page. I think.

[Minion Ripley]

wingnut the improbable

Relating somewhat to Dezman's point on elves:

Goblins are the complete opposite. They smell gross, are unhygenic and messy, and they have the mental capacity of a slime mold. A goblin with table manners? STOOPIED!!42!!!1!!!

Goblins also always come in swarms of ten or more because they're basically meat shields for some bigger, worse guy.

Always work the encounters with bad guys as a video game would. The big villain always underestimates the good guys, so he sends out a wimpy, little agent to take them out. Then these agents gradually increase in power and even size, sometimes with their own groups of lesser minions to weaken the strength and defenses of the good guys (which, as covered before, actually increases greatly right at the last moment to save the day). Do this a good hundred or so times until the good guys finally reach the main baddie.

Going off of that, the main bad guy has multiple forms. God forbid he just keels over after being shot in the leg! No, he must become pissed off and... and... and grow wings! Black wings! And his dark powers shall increase dramatically! And just keep adding things you see in Final Fantasy games with exclamation marks at the end of the sentence! But, remember, the good guys always triumph, no matter how powerful the bad guy gets.

[Jasper Riddle]

MinionRipley

wingnut the improbable

Relating somewhat to Dezman's point on elves:

Goblins are the complete opposite. They smell gross, are unhygenic and messy, and they have the mental capacity of a slime mold. A goblin with table manners? STOOPIED!!42!!!1!!!

Goblins also always come in swarms of ten or more because they're basically meat shields for some bigger, worse guy.

Always work the encounters with bad guys as a video game would. The big villain always underestimates the good guys, so he sends out a wimpy, little agent to take them out. Then these agents gradually increase in power and even size, sometimes with their own groups of lesser minions to weaken the strength and defenses of the good guys (which, as covered before, actually increases greatly right at the last moment to save the day). Do this a good hundred or so times until the good guys finally reach the main baddie.

Going off of that, the main bad guy has multiple forms. God forbid he just keels over after being shot in the leg! No, he must become pissed off and... and... and grow wings! Black wings! And his dark powers shall increase dramatically! And just keep adding things you see in Final Fantasy games with exclamation marks at the end of the sentence! But, remember, the good guys always triumph, no matter how powerful the bad guy gets.

while we're on FF, it's perfectly okay to name your main baddie Zefiroth. No, no one will notice the similarity. No one. ninja

[Minion Ripley]

Jasper Riddle

MinionRipley

wingnut the improbable

Relating somewhat to Dezman's point on elves:

Goblins are the complete opposite. They smell gross, are unhygenic and messy, and they have the mental capacity of a slime mold. A goblin with table manners? STOOPIED!!42!!!1!!!

Goblins also always come in swarms of ten or more because they're basically meat shields for some bigger, worse guy.

Always work the encounters with bad guys as a video game would. The big villain always underestimates the good guys, so he sends out a wimpy, little agent to take them out. Then these agents gradually increase in power and even size, sometimes with their own groups of lesser minions to weaken the strength and defenses of the good guys (which, as covered before, actually increases greatly right at the last moment to save the day). Do this a good hundred or so times until the good guys finally reach the main baddie.

Going off of that, the main bad guy has multiple forms. God forbid he just keels over after being shot in the leg! No, he must become pissed off and... and... and grow wings! Black wings! And his dark powers shall increase dramatically! And just keep adding things you see in Final Fantasy games with exclamation marks at the end of the sentence! But, remember, the good guys always triumph, no matter how powerful the bad guy gets.

while we're on FF, it's perfectly okay to name your main baddie Zefiroth. No, no one will notice the similarity. No one. ninja

Duuuuh. And, if anyone ever accuses you of stealing it, turn the tables on 'em and declare that FF stole your ideas! And, of course, with absolutely no proof to add to your accusation, everyone will believe you on the spot, apologize profusely for their behavior, and start kissing your feet like they should've been from the start.

[Rid V]

Remember that everyone, everyone, is at their very wittiest when in the midst of a big, chaotic battle or one-on-one deathmatch. Really. Even if somebody's just cut off their arm. And their other arm. And both their legs.

And the villain must always want to help the hero/ine/s along until they get to the big boss fight at the end. Bonus points if its for no apparent reason.

Cyborgs always build robots. Doesn't matter who they are, or what they would want to do with them, they must build robots. End of story.

Also, if someone happens to mention/use a handy little magical item/piece of technology such as an amulet that protects against alligator bites or a wristwatch that acts as a TV remote control, it must be vitally important in the hero/ine's Master Plan at the end.

[Jasper Riddle]

Rid V

Remember that everyone, everyone, is at their very wittiest when in the midst of a big, chaotic battle or one-on-one deathmatch. Really. Even if somebody's just cut off their arm. And their other arm. And both their legs.

And the villain must always want to help the hero/ine/s along until they get to the big boss fight at the end. Bonus points if its for no apparent reason.

Cyborgs always build robots. Doesn't matter who they are, or what they would want to do with them, they must build robots. End of story.

Also, if someone happens to mention/use a handy little magical item/piece of technology such as an amulet that protects against alligator bites or a wristwatch that acts as a TV remote control, it must be vitally important in the hero/ine's Master Plan at the end.

If they lose all body parts, then it must not hinder them in winning the battle. After all, it's just a flesh wound.
The hero/ine(s) must always find some seemingly innocent object that ends up being a major component in the baddie's MP. then they can destroy it at a crucial moment and save teh world YAY!