[ Poll ] The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.		17.1%	[ 1660 ]
I add new things.		15.2%	[ 1477 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).		67.6%	[ 6551 ]

Total Votes: 9688

[Adonis Moon]

Storeage

((Eh, the sex one was going to show up eventually.))

Speaking of which:

-Sex will only hurt the female if she is a virgin. Whoever heard of a couple that weren't built for each other?

oh yeah. that reminds me.

The couples has to always have to be at a perfect height, the same height as each other with the said lead domnating male just a little bit taller.

This makes for perfect kissing, love scenes and whatever else you can think of!

speaking of love, when you have two people who are detinstied to be true loves, they will fall in love instantly the moment they just met, even though they were compete strangers to each other.
and they'll want to kiss iminately and passiontely despite the placement they are in, aka public setting.

alternately, if those two has somebody else intersted in them, there will always be plenty of angst as they make a choice whenever to be faithful to thier current boyfriend/girlfriends or go for true love!
oooohh, even better, the current boyfriend/girlfriend sees how well the two destined people go together, and dedice to give up being boyfriends and girlfriends so that the two can be together.... let's all throw logic out the window, yay!

[Atreas]

Atreas will now cover the law of magic in any good* story:


Your magical characters, regardless of circumstance, are gods. They are capable of altering the universe with a flick of their little finger or a wink of their eyebrow and should be used accordingly to vanquish evils of the universe: Lords of Darkness, demons, evil magical users, undeads, vampires, werewolves, etc.

Also, when in dangerous peril, a wizard may open a chasm in the earth large enough for to consume an entire army. This only works if you roll a +8 on the 20-sided die and add it to the "vitality" category. Otherwise the attack fails. Meteors and supernova attacks can be used whenever your magician feels like blowing up stuff, and if you feel at any time that you need to kill him, the magic can turn on him and destroy him.

Enemy magic can't do anything to your characters. They don't even have to apply anti-magic repelent. If a magical lord of darkness tries to block your way, he can't penetrate your magical barrier.

Also, the weakest healing spell can always heal the mortal wound. If for some reason the magician allows him to die, the dead can be summoned at any time to fight again for the good of the group.

All elemental magic and the essence of time and space are mere threads around your wizardly warlock. Also, if he wields a staff, add a +10 bonus roll to the "intellegence" category. Remember that the stick can also fight on its own at any time and can be crafted and formed from the wood of any gnarled tree branch or trunk.

>That's all for now. I'll add more later.

[Prickly Pear Nettle]

Please over angst every single character except for the female star. That way she can heal everyone and unconsciously make everyone fall in such a profound love that they forget all their troubles and any life they may have had before she walked in the door.

And of course, over angsting is the best thing you could do. All characters function better when they're dehabilitated with something rare beyond the chance of zero in that particular country and time, and even better when you throw in about 50 different problems for each character. It makes it easier for us to follow.

[Minion Ripley]

(I love this thread... heart )

You must describe the style of every single character in exquisite detail, even if the character will only die three seconds later. I'm not talking a single paragraph - I mean pages of this drivel should be included. After all, it wouldn't do to have a reader think so-and-so's hair is black when it's really the red of a brilliant sunset just about to fade away behind the snow-capped mountains... Oh, and run-on sentences and fragments are excellent for this time as well.

Speaking of physical characteristics... Preferably, your characters should show how unique they are through appearance, not personality. Hair color varies, depending upon their personality or magical element that they use; avoid brown at all costs, though, as it is too ordinary. Eye color should be something odd, such as red or purple. If you feel as though you must have an ordinary eye color, just have it for a little while and make it something like green or blue; once again, avoid brown like the plague. As for style, punk, emo, or a mixture of the two is preferable. Make sure there is a lot of skin showing for the girls, and make certain that the guys are mostly covered up with their awesome dark clothes. Throw in some pointless rune symbols as well for the heck of it. After all, it'll just make your character even better, right?

Any skill, magical or not, can be learned in five seconds or less by your main character. Yes, they are just that good.

Utter and pointless destruction and loss of life will keep your readers happy. That is even more so if it has a lot of angst. Do well to remember that.

Linguistic details are for suckers. If any of your characters have any verbal habits or problems, it should be something as small and trivial as a tiny stutter (ex: "Hey, t-thanks for the s-stuff." wink or repeated word usage (ex: "You really shouldn't do that, buddy. I mean, buddy, that could be dangerous!" wink . Anything with more detail, such as speech patterns and vocabulary preferences, should not even be considered. So what if they all sound the same? No one cares.

Hey, since we're mentioning sex-related stuff here... All of the good guys are well-endowed. Only non-main-characters or villains are allowed to be anywhere near average or under. This also goes for the breast size of women - the bigger, the better!

[Gemini the Spy]

There should always be limitless supplies of magic. That keeps everybody happy.

True love with strangers is ok right?

Everyone is a complete master of the practice. They have no flaws of any kind.

Every good story ends with the villian/ess seeing the true love between the hero and heroion and is immediately won over by that complete purity and admits their wrong doing in hopes that they can be forgiven. It's so touching that everyone will love the story! no sense whatsoever! yipee!

[[N]ever.[A]utumn.[M]other]

If the villian does 'see the error of their ways, they must:

A) Immdeiately latch themselves to the hero to give basis for a sequel in which the champion tires of his main squeeze and takes up the reformed bad guy,

B) Flee to a far away place where they will either become evil again by pure accident--for the sequel's sake--or teach themselves the ways of peace and walk around preaching on a soap box of their corrected ways, or finally

C) Kill themselves without good cause in an onslaught of overbearing 'Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I guess I'll just be worm fodder' angst. Because there's nothing like an angsty death that will rail on the hero's guilty conscience.

...which apparently only just then starts to exist, as he's not only broken the heart of the lead female several times, but he's had unprotected, rough, love-and-leave intercourse with every other female character in the tale, and probably as many male characters as he could drag into bed with him.

Because there is always an inn handy when the hero would like to jump someone's bones. Or at least a very soft bunch of moss that 'just the right size.'

[Oreparma]

And remember all twins/triplets must be either compeltly identical and exactly alike or as different as day and night and fight against each other in a masive battle between good and evil. There are no in-betweens. Ever

[Gemini the Spy]

All characters must have absolutely flawless English skills and use a completely unrealisticly vocabulary. fun!

[Storeage]

-Kill of main characters often, but make sure to bring them back to life before the end! The readers will thank you for bringing their favorites back to life, and showing that death has no meaning to your hero(ine) and his/her party, for he/she is "The Chosen One"!

-If a character does not have flawless english, their english skills must be abysmal (as in, ogre, like). Period.

[Storeage]

(Sorry for the double post, but I just thought of another.)

-Humans are THE weakest intelligent species on the planet. The only reason they're around is so the other races can laugh at how pathetic they are. Until your "Chosen, Human, Hero(ine)" goes and saves the world, anyway, and he/she can only save the world because he/she is human. And then all of the other races shall bow down to the superior might of humankind!

[M00NEY]

If you're writing "yaoi," follow these rules:

The two characters must be a top and a bottom. They must be described as being so, as this is the most important aspect of their relationship. The top must always stay a top and the bottom must always stay a bottom.

The sexually dominant character should be masculine, tall, handsome, and strong. His partner should be feminine, weak, smaller/shorter than the average man, and described as 'pretty.' Bonus points if the "uke" wears tight or girls' clothes.

Being disowned for their sexuality adds depth to a character. Make sure at least one of them is shunned by their parents/community/realm.

If you want to write a "yaoi" novel but can't think of a villain to stand in your protagonists' way, you could always use Catholics. After all, every single one of them hates gay people and will stop at nothing to ruin their romance.

Anyone who doesn't agree with your characters is wrong and has weak opinions that they cannot support with reasons or evidence. This comes in handy in stories with high school settings - bullies are always looking for fights with scrawny, homosexual outcasts, but their insults are no match for your sarcastic, witty character who has a retort for everything. Bullies need to be stereotypical jocks, complete with Rich Family, Airhead Girlfriend, and Knuckle-Dragging Cronies.

In these stories, everyone and their brother is gay. If the main character or hero comes out of the closet, so should his best friend. If the main character or hero falls in love with a straight man, this character should turn gay or bisexual in order to be with the hero.

ninja

[~Rue.The.Day~]

M00NEY

If you're writing "yaoi," follow these rules:

The two characters must be a top and a bottom. They must be described as being so, as this is the most important aspect of their relationship. The top must always stay a top and the bottom must always stay a bottom.

The sexually dominant character should be masculine, tall, handsome, and strong. His partner should be feminine, weak, smaller/shorter than the average man, and described as 'pretty.' Bonus points if the "uke" wears tight or girls' clothes.

Being disowned for their sexuality adds depth to a character. Make sure at least one of them is shunned by their parents/community/realm.

If you want to write a "yaoi" novel but can't think of a villain to stand in your protagonists' way, you could always use Catholics. After all, every single one of them hates gay people and will stop at nothing to ruin their romance.

Anyone who doesn't agree with your characters is wrong and has weak opinions that they cannot support with reasons or evidence. This comes in handy in stories with high school settings - bullies are always looking for fights with scrawny, homosexual outcasts, but their insults are no match for your sarcastic, witty character who has a retort for everything. Bullies need to be stereotypical jocks, complete with Rich Family, Airhead Girlfriend, and Knuckle-Dragging Cronies.

In these stories, everyone and their brother is gay. If the main character or hero comes out of the closet, so should his best friend. If the main character or hero falls in love with a straight man, this character should turn gay or bisexual in order to be with the hero.

ninja

sweatdrop

[Trixa Pyswell]

In every medieval setting, the people must wear magnificent clothes, unless they're neutral; then they're fat/filthy/baggy clothes/smelly.
Only the main characters are allowed to be beautiful!

There's no such thing as a weak hero(ine) to be saved by the hero.
She will love him forever! She cannot fight back.
Everyone knows that women can't fight or find a way to escape.

Everyone's white. Some might have a tan and black hair, but no blacks or mulats.
Unless it's a gangster story.

Laughing is only done when making fun of others.

[Bane is on Fire!]

When writing fanfiction, or possibly if you're Joss Whedon - who ever heard of that wacky thing called "bisexuality"? Feel free to completely flip someone's sexuality to become gay - even if they've shown interest for members of the opposite sex before!

[La Belle Peche]

ALWAYS include some sort of prophecy that predicts how everything must happen. Stick to the prophecy and don't let anything, be it character, situation, ANYTHING, interfere with The Prophecy because thats how prophecies work.