The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[demagoguery]

Raincrow

And always keep in mind--elves may not have red hair. Heaven forbid that your elves have anything but long blonde or maybe brown hair--er, pardon me. Rich, chocolate-colored hair. There could maybe even be an occasional raven-haired elf. But never, never, never give an elf red hair. It just isn't done! The literary gods will damn you to hell if you do!

Ahh, but there is an exception. Your elf may be a red head, but he/she must have green eyes. Red hair only goes with green eyes. Or gold eyes, but you're on thin ground there!! I'd rant some more about eyes, but that rant's been done.

So instead I would like to bequeath some knowledge to you fledgling writers. There is a secret fighting academy, where people who have no business knowing how to fight (princesses, stable boys, antiquers, etc). Comic relief sidekicks are not allowed there. They CANNOT know how to fight, but must provide comic relief even in battle, when people are dying, by accidentally killing some guy through luck in a humorous manner. Or they can be rescued at the last second by the hero, stray bullet, charging elephant, but they cannot save themselves on purpose.

[Morizawa]

There is this unwritten rule that says your character's stratagies and plans must always succeed, he must never fail and become more intelligent by learning from his failures, after all, who needs smarts when you're always right?

[Alybrylla]

(99 pgs!! razz )

If your writing a story about elements, don't forget the elements thunder lightening, darkness, light,...ect. Really, the four elements? I was so sure wind and earth weren't two of them. The only one's worth writing about are fire and water. stare rolleyes

[icewolf741]

All elves must be described as noble, elegant, with flowing hair and eyes that reveal a hidden sorrow. Always. And the must live in trees hundreds of feet tall that were grown with the help of magic. They must not eat meat and must be able to communicate directly with the forest creatures. When the hero/heroine(s) enters the elves' forest they must never feel creeped out because they don't like forests. The magic of the elves is dangerous for humans and dwarves because it shall destroy their mind or something equally confusing. No one will wonder why the elves would sing songs and create magical happenings that could be fatal. Elves are always right, have better magic skills than hero/herion(s), are more elegant, are immortal (exception:death from war injuries), have better sword skills than the hero/herione(s), and are more intteligant than the human/dwarves/whatever other race. On the flip side, if the hero is an elf they are better at everything than anyone else.

Also, make the hero/heroine's best friend "die" and later have them find out they weren't dead, but had betrayed the hero. And then, have the hero find out that the best friend is actually their brother or sister and his father is the evil emperor's advisor/ally/assain. Everyone will adore you for it.

Hmm... That's all I could think of. Inspired by Eldest . What a dissapointment. I would have stopped reading it if there hadn't been dragons in it...

[Alybrylla]

icewolf741

All elves must be described as noble, elegant, with flowing hair and eyes that reveal a hidden sorrow. Always. And the must live in trees hundreds of feet tall that were grown with the help of magic. They must not eat meat and must be able to communicate directly with the forest creatures. When the hero/heroine(s) enters the elves' forest they must never feel creeped out because they don't like forests. The magic of the elves is dangerous for humans and dwarves because it shall destroy their mind or something equally confusing. No one will wonder why the elves would sing songs and create magical happenings that could be fatal. Elves are always right, have better magic skills than hero/herion(s), are more elegant, are immortal (exception:death from war injuries), have better sword skills than the hero/herione(s), and are more intteligant than the human/dwarves/whatever other race. On the flip side, if the hero is an elf they are better at everything than anyone else.

Also, make the hero/heroine's best friend "die" and later have them find out they weren't dead, but had betrayed the hero. And then, have the hero find out that the best friend is actually their brother or sister and his father is the evil emperor's advisor/ally/assain. Everyone will adore you for it.

Hmm... That's all I could think of. Inspired by Eldest . What a dissapointment. I would have stopped reading it if there hadn't been dragons in it...

((oh don't tell me Eldest was a dissapiontment. I'm reading it gonk
ninja uh, sorry for the OT post. ))

[icewolf741]

Alybrylla

icewolf741

All elves must be described as noble, elegant, with flowing hair and eyes that reveal a hidden sorrow. Always. And the must live in trees hundreds of feet tall that were grown with the help of magic. They must not eat meat and must be able to communicate directly with the forest creatures. When the hero/heroine(s) enters the elves' forest they must never feel creeped out because they don't like forests. The magic of the elves is dangerous for humans and dwarves because it shall destroy their mind or something equally confusing. No one will wonder why the elves would sing songs and create magical happenings that could be fatal. Elves are always right, have better magic skills than hero/herion(s), are more elegant, are immortal (exception:death from war injuries), have better sword skills than the hero/herione(s), and are more intteligant than the human/dwarves/whatever other race. On the flip side, if the hero is an elf they are better at everything than anyone else.

Also, make the hero/heroine's best friend "die" and later have them find out they weren't dead, but had betrayed the hero. And then, have the hero find out that the best friend is actually their brother or sister and his father is the evil emperor's advisor/ally/assain. Everyone will adore you for it.

Hmm... That's all I could think of. Inspired by Eldest . What a dissapointment. I would have stopped reading it if there hadn't been dragons in it...

((oh don't tell me Eldest was a dissapiontment. I'm reading it gonk
ninja uh, sorry for the OT post. ))

Ah.. Sorry. Well... maybe I was expecting to much out of it because of the dragons. If a book has dragons in it it should be stunning. I liked the first bbok better though. You may like it.(even thoguh some of the sentences make absolutly no sense... "Don't befoul the air. It ill become apart of you." -Ortimis." Or something like that... There were a few others, though.

[Minion Ripley]

Remember, the main character is the best at your favorite instrument(s) in the whole wide world. She also sings like a goddess even though she's never been to a choir class. However, no one knows of this until she either opens her pretty, little mouth to sing your favorite omgangst!!1! song or finds an instrument out of nowhere to show off her uber-skills simply because she's bored.

The main character or the sidekick must be completely fluent in every single language ever mentioned in the story and know of those cultures to perfection as well. Nah, you don't ever need to explain why and how he knows everything about 100+ languages and places.

[LoneGothic]

MinionRipley

Remember, the main character is the best at your favorite instrument(s) in the whole wide world. She also sings like a goddess even though she's never been to a choir class. However, no one knows of this until she either opens her pretty, little mouth to sing your favorite omgangst!!1! song or finds an instrument out of nowhere to show off her uber-skills simply because she's bored.

The main character or the sidekick must be completely fluent in every single language ever mentioned in the story and know of those cultures to perfection as well. Nah, you don't ever need to explain why and how he knows everything about 100+ languages and places.

She also plays the guitar. Or the flute. Because EVERYONE is drawn by flute music floating through the trees/woods/place by a pond with lots of birds.

[Minion Ripley]

LoneGothic

MinionRipley

Remember, the main character is the best at your favorite instrument(s) in the whole wide world. She also sings like a goddess even though she's never been to a choir class. However, no one knows of this until she either opens her pretty, little mouth to sing your favorite omgangst!!1! song or finds an instrument out of nowhere to show off her uber-skills simply because she's bored.

The main character or the sidekick must be completely fluent in every single language ever mentioned in the story and know of those cultures to perfection as well. Nah, you don't ever need to explain why and how he knows everything about 100+ languages and places.

She also plays the guitar. Or the flute. Because EVERYONE is drawn by flute music floating through the trees/woods/place by a pond with lots of birds.

Better yet, she plays both to utter, impossible perfection without any practice. Forget the band/orchestra/choir/etc., she is the whole thing. And, yes, her singing/music-playing also draws highly attractive people, never just a curious, random person passing by.

[LaverneTerres]

Two words:

Author's. Notes. heart

I guess that's two and an emoticon.

[demagoguery]

Guys, try not to repeat yourselves too often. There are 99 pages, and I understand it's difficult not to mention some stuff twice. But try to avoid stuff gone over in the first five pages and in the last five pages.

Funny that in this topic about how people use certain things too much, we repeat ourselves.

And now for my thing: More rules for your comic relief sidekick. Don't forget that to be funny, you must also be totally incompetent. Therefore, if your sidekick is a thief, he/she must lying about his/her thieving skills, and unable to open a lock. He/she is allowed to have a latent talent, one even he didn't know of, but it cannot be too useful, or it will overshadow your hero.

However, if your sidekick is a child, or an animal of sorts, then they may be useful. But no adults.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

Quote Family Guy and South Park. Frequently.


Menstural periods do not exist for women.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

KiwiOfDestruction

Menstural periods do not exist for women.

Whoa. As opposed to menstural periods for men.


Then again, there was that fanfic I read where Harry got Dumbledore pregnant. No joke.

[Morizawa]

KiwiOfDestruction

KiwiOfDestruction

Menstural periods do not exist for women.

Whoa. As opposed to menstural periods for men.


Then again, there was that fanfic I read where Harry got Dumbledore pregnant. No joke.

Well in fantasy things it would be kind of hard to imagine what kind of "products" they would use to deal with that... plus you wouldn't want to lose half the readers by mentioning it due to the fact that some of them would find it kind of gross(it wouldn't really bother me but it would still lose alot of the readers)

[Lady Zarola]

((I must say, I'm guilty of a couple of the past things... sweatdrop ))

Any and all of your characters can never, EVER have natural bodily functions. No one should use the bathroom, no female should ever get her period, nor sweat, or become dirty. Only men are allowed to get sweaty and dirty, and this should only be done in the sexiest, most handsomely rugged way possible.

Heroes and Heroines should never become ill, catch a cold or flu. No one should have more fortitude than your main character(s). Nor should they ever be in a situation when they are bedridden for more than, at most, a week. They should always, if bedridden, wish to get up and go, no matter what their ailment. If they must be ill or injured, then it should always be for the purpose of their incredibly attractive counterpart to take care of them, leading to hot and steamy fornication.

Never use punctuation it is evil