The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2292 ]
I add new things.	14.9%	[ 1951 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.6%	[ 8852 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13095 ]

[hecate-athena]

Angst: It makes the world go 'round.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

thewoodsrwaiting

The best plots always involve a Mary-Sue who finds a kingdom of cute little fairies in the woods. And then, lo and behold, it turns out she's a fairy too! Also, make the Mary-Sue have inexplicible wings...no one will ever guess.

Which reminds me, time to give a rundown on all different types of creatures:

Faerie (It has been said: no one says fairy anymore): Mystical and silent. They like to make big shows of light and magic surges when a more subtle, low-key type of spell would be a million times smarter/Cute little glowing things that look like Tinkerbell that might, depending on your hatred for mortal man, be bottled and sold.

Elves: Wise and stunningly beautiful, they can heal anything, but prefer not to, for some made-up reason. You can never get a straight answer out of an elf, only this vague thing that your hero will only realize when it's too late. No one will ever be annoyed by this at all (except, perhaps, the readers)/Short and comical, with greenish clothing and plants in their hair. You may or may not have them enslaved and forced to sing for the entertainment of humans *coughTheEllaEnchantedMoviecough* *Can just see Hecate-Athena weeping over the copyright infringement*

Sorceresses or Sorcerers: Dark, sometimes evil, sometiimes tragic, sometimes cold and distant. They wear all dark colors, mostly black, and they have telepathy and pyrokenisis

Enchanters/Enchantresses (There is a difference): Light side, posses telekenisis and the ability to see into the future. They're sometimes the protagonist

Mages: A lot like the "wise" elves, but they tend to look older and they have to study more

Vampires: Dark and angsty, they hate being vampires and they are always refered to as "the ones who stalk the night", instead of "bloodsucking monsters". Don't bother to do any research, just go with the stereotypes.

Werewolves: Also angsty, but not so dark, one must always fall in love with a vampire and have a vampire/werewolf baby. Nevermind the thing about being bitten or that it doesn't make any sense.

Regular men: Cruel, corrupt, and stupid

Demons: They're outcasts, and they seem evil but really aren't.

Unicorns: Again, follow the stereotypes. "They're just horses with a spiral horn." The mythology was that a unicorn had a billy goat's beard and a lion's tail. Don't listen to this.

Dragons: Again, follow the stereotypes. If you've read Dragonology, FORGET EVERYTHING YOU READ!

Aliens: Either OMGOMGOMGEVILX10!!!1!1!ONEONE!!!ELEVEN!!!ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN!!!ONE! or friendly like ET. *hopes hecate-athena won't hunt me down*

AI: TOTALLY EVIL!ONEONEONE!!!! Have them turn evil and create a whole new fantasy world for humans to live in, while the humans are grown in pods with pink gooey stuff so that the robots can get energy because the sun is killed. Have a human city near the core of the Earth, and throw in some really cool computer-terrorist names, and maybe a life-changing choice compressed to a scene with two different-colored pills. *Apologizes to hecate-athena for blatant copyright infringement*

Crossbreeds: AWESOME! Especially if it doesn't make any sense. Like elf-dragons or demon-unicorns. Or better yet, have them with these cute little donkey/dragons *coughShrekcough*. *Knows that hecate-athena is screaming*

[Jasper Riddle]

KiwiOfDestruction

thewoodsrwaiting

The best plots always involve a Mary-Sue who finds a kingdom of cute little fairies in the woods. And then, lo and behold, it turns out she's a fairy too! Also, make the Mary-Sue have inexplicible wings...no one will ever guess.

Which reminds me, time to give a rundown on all different types of creatures:

Faerie (It has been said: no one says fairy anymore): Mystical and silent. They like to make big shows of light and magic surges when a more subtle, low-key type of spell would be a million times smarter/Cute little glowing things that look like Tinkerbell that might, depending on your hatred for mortal man, be bottled and sold.

Elves: Wise and stunningly beautiful, they can heal anything, but prefer not to, for some made-up reason. You can never get a straight answer out of an elf, only this vague thing that your hero will only realize when it's too late. No one will ever be annoyed by this at all (except, perhaps, the readers)/Short and comical, with greenish clothing and plants in their hair. You may or may not have them enslaved and forced to sing for the entertainment of humans *coughTheEllaEnchantedMoviecough* *Can just see Hecate-Athena weeping over the copyright infringement*

Sorceresses or Sorcerers: Dark, sometimes evil, sometiimes tragic, sometimes cold and distant. They wear all dark colors, mostly black, and they have telepathy and pyrokenisis

Enchanters/Enchantresses (There is a difference): Light side, posses telekenisis and the ability to see into the future. They're sometimes the protagonist

Mages: A lot like the "wise" elves, but they tend to look older and they have to study more

Vampires: Dark and angsty, they hate being vampires and they are always refered to as "the ones who stalk the night", instead of "bloodsucking monsters". Don't bother to do any research, just go with the stereotypes.

Werewolves: Also angsty, but not so dark, one must always fall in love with a vampire and have a vampire/werewolf baby. Nevermind the thing about being bitten or that it doesn't make any sense.

Regular men: Cruel, corrupt, and stupid

Demons: They're outcasts, and they seem evil but really aren't.

Unicorns: Again, follow the stereotypes. "They're just horses with a spiral horn." The mythology was that a unicorn had a billy goat's beard and a lion's tail. Don't listen to this.

Dragons: Again, follow the stereotypes. If you've read Dragonology, FORGET EVERYTHING YOU READ!

Aliens: Either OMGOMGOMGEVILX10!!!1!1!ONEONE!!!ELEVEN!!!ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN!!!ONE! or friendly like ET. *hopes hecate-athena won't hunt me down*

AI: TOTALLY EVIL!ONEONEONE!!!! Have them turn evil and create a whole new fantasy world for humans to live in, while the humans are grown in pods with pink gooey stuff so that the robots can get energy because the sun is killed. Have a human city near the core of the Earth, and throw in some really cool computer-terrorist names, and maybe a life-changing choice compressed to a scene with two different-colored pills. *Apologizes to hecate-athena for blatant copyright infringement*

Crossbreeds: AWESOME! Especially if it doesn't make any sense. Like elf-dragons or demon-unicorns. Or better yet, have them with these cute little donkey/dragons *coughShrekcough*. *Knows that hecate-athena is screaming*

this is gr33t.

[hecate-athena]

*twitch* Damn copyright infringers...*sharpens sporks* *twitchtwitch*

[Bookie]

OMG I just came up with the best idea. You could do this completely snarky satire see, of everything that sucks in the world, like stupid religious fanatics and dumb preps and sheepish goths and have them all blown out of proportion in a hilariously bigoted way, and then everyone will realize that stereotypes are whack but people who fit those stereotypes are even whacker.

And if you do this with a holier than thou, demeaning tone, everyone will see how smart you are and how witty your social commentary is and will feel bad about their choice of clothes or their belief system because you just told the whole world it sucks.

[Alybrylla]

KiwiOfDestruction

Elves: Wise and stunningly beautiful, they can heal anything, but prefer not to, for some made-up reason. You can never get a straight answer out of an elf, only this vague thing that your hero will only realize when it's too late. No one will ever be annoyed by this at all (except, perhaps, the readers)/Short and comical, with greenish clothing and plants in their hair. You may or may not have them enslaved and forced to sing for the entertainment of humans *coughTheEllaEnchantedMoviecough* *Can just see Hecate-Athena weeping over the copyright infringement*

And don't forget, Elves and dwarves hate one another with a very strong passion. But in your story you must always make an elf and a dwarf friends, that will someday end the feud between the two races. Why shouldn't it happen like this, after all, no one really knows why they hated each other in the first place.

[Jun Valson]

Zoharial

Make all of your important characters Sues, and don't bother to spend any time or effort developing the characters who aren't important. The Sues are so wondrous and perfect that no one will notice the little cardboard cutouts populating the backdrop anyway.
Oh, and use sentence fragments. At every available opportunity. Create some if you don't think. You have enough.

XD have you ever seen Puni Puni Poemi, they actually have just white stand-in figures for the background crowds heh...

seriously though, charater development should take a whole five seconds

(okay... I think I should back off... I'm getting into this whole Anti-guide thing... ^^... sweatdrop )

[Chibi_Sunflower]

((sorry if someone's already said this))


Remember, the Author is always right. You're the Author, so you're always right. No matter what anyone says your story is LIEK DA GR34TEST EVA LOL!!!!!! And is a work of art. LIEK LOL!!!

(( stare ))

[Jasper Riddle]

Hm. I think all that can be said, may very weell have been said. It is over? gonk

[hecate-athena]

Jasper Riddle

Hm. I think all that can be said, may very weell have been said. It is over? gonk

Nuu~! Quick, find some material!

Aha! The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. Mmyes. ninja

[Jabberwocky Sinope XXVII]

Has fanfiction been done yet? Ah, whatever. gonk

On fanfiction...

Harry Potter: Draco and Harry love each other. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Half of your audience will not feel like vomitting after reading the five-page description of them doing the wild wiggity woah in an empty classroom. Also, it's okay to defend your pairing of choice with the fervency most people don't defend their own religion with. Remember, this is the Internet, so people can either agree with you or be wrong.

Inuyasha: Hojo is an evil b*****d, and would gladly rape Kagome, who absolutely abhors him. She most certainly never liked him in the actual graphic novels. Oh, and Inuyasha absolutely abhors Kikio. Cool people spell it "Kikio."

Ranma 1/2: Ryouga and Ukyou make the perfect couple, as do Nabiki and Ranma. All the best stories feature not one of the cannon characters, but Captain Awesome, your original character who wears a mysterious black cloak and comes to Nerima just to kick Ranma's a**. He's just that cool. Bonus points if he or she has a Jusenkyou curse and/or is related/engaged to a cannon without their knowledge.

Lemon Fics: Sex scenes are all the more erotic if the two (or three or twenty) participants all climax at the exact same time.


This thing really has lost its steam... Maybe it could go under Memorable Threads? I was going to go through and organize it, but someone else is already doing that, so I think what I'll do is just go through and choose what I think are the best quotes, so if anyone has a problem with me using their quotes on my website, speak now or forever hold your piss.

[Lord_of_the_Funk]

KiwiOfDestruction

thewoodsrwaiting

The best plots always involve a Mary-Sue who finds a kingdom of cute little fairies in the woods. And then, lo and behold, it turns out she's a fairy too! Also, make the Mary-Sue have inexplicible wings...no one will ever guess.

Which reminds me, time to give a rundown on all different types of creatures:

Faerie (It has been said: no one says fairy anymore): Mystical and silent. They like to make big shows of light and magic surges when a more subtle, low-key type of spell would be a million times smarter/Cute little glowing things that look like Tinkerbell that might, depending on your hatred for mortal man, be bottled and sold.

Elves: Wise and stunningly beautiful, they can heal anything, but prefer not to, for some made-up reason. You can never get a straight answer out of an elf, only this vague thing that your hero will only realize when it's too late. No one will ever be annoyed by this at all (except, perhaps, the readers)/Short and comical, with greenish clothing and plants in their hair. You may or may not have them enslaved and forced to sing for the entertainment of humans *coughTheEllaEnchantedMoviecough* *Can just see Hecate-Athena weeping over the copyright infringement*

Sorceresses or Sorcerers: Dark, sometimes evil, sometiimes tragic, sometimes cold and distant. They wear all dark colors, mostly black, and they have telepathy and pyrokenisis

Enchanters/Enchantresses (There is a difference): Light side, posses telekenisis and the ability to see into the future. They're sometimes the protagonist

Mages: A lot like the "wise" elves, but they tend to look older and they have to study more

Vampires: Dark and angsty, they hate being vampires and they are always refered to as "the ones who stalk the night", instead of "bloodsucking monsters". Don't bother to do any research, just go with the stereotypes.

Werewolves: Also angsty, but not so dark, one must always fall in love with a vampire and have a vampire/werewolf baby. Nevermind the thing about being bitten or that it doesn't make any sense.

Regular men: Cruel, corrupt, and stupid

Demons: They're outcasts, and they seem evil but really aren't.

Unicorns: Again, follow the stereotypes. "They're just horses with a spiral horn." The mythology was that a unicorn had a billy goat's beard and a lion's tail. Don't listen to this.

Dragons: Again, follow the stereotypes. If you've read Dragonology, FORGET EVERYTHING YOU READ!

Aliens: Either OMGOMGOMGEVILX10!!!1!1!ONEONE!!!ELEVEN!!!ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN!!!ONE! or friendly like ET. *hopes hecate-athena won't hunt me down*

AI: TOTALLY EVIL!ONEONEONE!!!! Have them turn evil and create a whole new fantasy world for humans to live in, while the humans are grown in pods with pink gooey stuff so that the robots can get energy because the sun is killed. Have a human city near the core of the Earth, and throw in some really cool computer-terrorist names, and maybe a life-changing choice compressed to a scene with two different-colored pills. *Apologizes to hecate-athena for blatant copyright infringement*

Crossbreeds: AWESOME! Especially if it doesn't make any sense. Like elf-dragons or demon-unicorns. Or better yet, have them with these cute little donkey/dragons *coughShrekcough*. *Knows that hecate-athena is screaming*

dude i actualy read Dragonolagy rofl ....long and tedius

[Morizawa]

Jasper Riddle

Hm. I think all that can be said, may very weell have been said. It is over? gonk

Be sure that when you make dragons in your story you must have a special line of dragons for each element going from ice to fire to poison. The same must be done for all magical creatures including phoenixes, dwarves and elves, though humans must never be a part of this and must be inexplicably left out of the chart of elemental life forms.

[Lord_of_the_Funk]

Robot must always start off as robot who are suposed to kill someone but like turn human on the inside and then die there always has to be at least one seen were the robot creator is looking over what the robot has down

Robot creator: Mr. Presedent come look at these statistics...something is wron with AJ7
Mr: Presendnt: Whats worng!
Creator: he wont kill Gretchen Rose! In stead hes trying to save her its...learning compation!!!! DOM DOM DOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

[x_haphazard_x]

Oh! What about all the Indiana Jones reffrences!

Remember, all traps must be either painfully slow-moving, include lotsa lotsa spikes, or be a big, somehow-perfectly-spherical boulder. No, those don't take years to make! You can buy them for ten bucks at the local whatever-o mart! No, none of your traps can include completely flooding the hallway, or guns that come out from the wall, the room being shut off, or simply it notifying the gaurds. Really!