The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Zonderling]

Empathy Mayfair

x_haphazard_x

Tavreynya

No matter what, the main character in any fantasy must use a sword. As for their traveling companions: the healer must use a staff, the spellcaster must constantly lug around their own weight in books, and you need someone who uses a bow. You just do. Don't ask questions.

((Seriously, guys, what if the healer used something weird? Like... healing mallets of friendlyness? I could just imagine...

Healer: Hey, hero-dude! You okay?
Hero: Unng... owww... I think I almost died...
Healer: *donks over head with healing mallet of friendlyness*
Hero: *healed* Wow, I feel a lot better!))

((Hee hee hee... Yeah... Tee hee hee...))

((Has anyone here ever read the webcomic "Nodwick?" Because that has a healer who heals with duct tape. It's at nodwick.com if you want to read it.))

[LoneGothic]

~ Mention chickens and roosters when you write pr0n -- it's a must for guys as well.

~ Demons must have gothic, purple, leathery, huge, elegant but deadly wings. Yellowed claws and talons are good as well.

~ Friendship is for losers. Veive is so damn wrong while I'm at it. Actually, she pwns you big time. <3 Lust is brilliant -- craving adds more to the effect. Of course, they shall then control their insane urgings to be gentle with their lover and then skip off, joining hands into the sunset. While killing demons.

[Keeshori]

Don't bother getting a beta reader! You're sure to catch all your mistakes on your own, right?

[x_haphazard_x]

sabletheferretlord

Empathy Mayfair

x_haphazard_x

Tavreynya

No matter what, the main character in any fantasy must use a sword. As for their traveling companions: the healer must use a staff, the spellcaster must constantly lug around their own weight in books, and you need someone who uses a bow. You just do. Don't ask questions.

((Seriously, guys, what if the healer used something weird? Like... healing mallets of friendlyness? I could just imagine...

Healer: Hey, hero-dude! You okay?
Hero: Unng... owww... I think I almost died...
Healer: *donks over head with healing mallet of friendlyness*
Hero: *healed* Wow, I feel a lot better!))

((Hee hee hee... Yeah... Tee hee hee...))

((Has anyone here ever read the webcomic "Nodwick?" Because that has a healer who heals with duct tape. It's at nodwick.com if you want to read it.))

((THAT'S FRIKKIN AWESOME!!!... but I still like the healing mallets of friendlyness. Or maybe they could be acupuncturists... hmm, that requires research. What other weird things could you heal with? Paper clips? Or maybe dog food, or maybe rosin, or maybe... paper. What about a computer modem? GAAH! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING ON ABOUT?!? I DON'T NEED A HEALER FOR MY STORY!!!))

[Alybrylla]

Your hero/heroine must know everything from fighting and wepons to magic and your villans hidout.

If there isn't a magical animal get one. And he has to belong to the main character too.

If the hero's best friend doesn't die doing something noble, or fall in love with them, your story sucks...

Why work on you plot when you can just make randomly cool things happen to you character? xd

(I love this thread by the way)

[~Rue.The.Day~]

Everyone uses a katana. EVERYONE. Who cares if your main character is a five-year-old--they shall weild a "samurai sword." It is silly to believe that your awesome character would carry anything besides that.

Chamber pots do not exist. No one gets indigestion or food poisoning or contracts any malady that isn't magical. Why? Because book characters have no vital organs save the heart and brain. Bowels do not exist.

Magic and the use of magic does not drain your sorceror/necromancer/mage/priest. Despite not having a base from which to draw and/or concentrate their power, your magic-user can suck mana/power straight from the ground. No one needs to sleep!

It only takes about thirty minutes to get from one side of the world to the other on foot, and mere seconds on a horse and/or magic carpet. Never forget this.

Your assassin/bounty hunter is a ninja. End of discussion.

All characters endorse the same dialect. This includes curse words. Greek soldiers say "s**t" all the time and don't let anyone tell you different.

Elusive faeries and elves make their identities known as soon as the hero/ine takes notice of them. They are always benevolent and clothed in elegant gowns made of spring blossoms and ivy leaves. None are naked or full of mischeif.

Light elves are good. Evil elves are always dark-skinned and called "drow" no matter what world you're in.

When travelling to another world, your hero/ine always awakens to find themselves in a forest. Ten points if it's by a river. Twenty points if a conveniently-placed village equipped with a tavern full of hostile patrons and a store. Your hero/ine must also speak the local dialect perfectly and be understand without any problems.

No one is hungry because no one eats. You do not require food or water.

No one pays for their armor anymore; everyone steals it. If you have a thief--and you WILL--he shall be womanizing and roguish. He has a soft spot for the heroine, but, because of his thieving ways, he is easily influenced by the villian/ess.

If you are writing a science fiction story, you need to know only the on and off switch for androids and robots--and there must ALWAYS be androids and robots. Futuristic = Cyberpunk. The only thing you need to know about cars is that there is an accelerator and a brake. There are no stick shifts and cars do NOT run out of gas.

Plot twists and hidden motives are for squares. So are broken alliances.

[[N]ever.[A]utumn.[M]other]

((I give in to the lure of this thread =^^=))

Above all things, your story must involve the hero being the only key to the world's safety. His teamamtes must be the power sources behind him, and they must take the following positions:

1. Healer/Ninja <--Best Friend
2. Warrior/Princess <---Main Female (love interest)
3. Fighter/Mage <----The Hero, who pwnes.


Any feminist warrior, villian or not, who meets the hero must automatically want his luscious body as her personal love slave the moment he bats his insanely long bishonen eyelashes her way. Because he must be an incredibly masculine bishie, and even better looking than her, minus the breasts and overly big hindquarters. He also must dominate her in the end despite the fact that she's naturally stronger than him at first because he melts her resistance with his innocence (yet he automatically drags her off to the bedroom the moment they profess their feelings. 3nodding ).

The hero must be either overly badass, or insanely sensitive to other people. He must never change his ideals when given actual facts as to why he's the one in the wrong. He's got the +10 Sword of Righteousness, so he's automatically the better choice for the people! Observe ---

Hero, generically named a Foreign, yet completely original name such as Fuumarkai, because it sounds cool and has no true meaning. : I PWNZ U< FOO"!
Villian, who is evil. Period. : Yeah, but right now people are having wars and things; if I take over I can rebuild the economy, and establish an actual government which--
Hero: I"LL HAVE NONE OF YOUR LOGIC!!! HAX!!!! -mad swinging and chopping, which wins the battle by accident!!! But of course, he meant to do it-
Villian: Urk! I'm dead!
Hero: LOL I R KEELER!!!

Never go back to rewrite the story and correct it to make it grammar efficient. You're not writing to express yourself or entertain people. You're writing to show off that you're 'r0><0r5' because you speak 1337, just like all your characters, because they really do in the shows.

Oh, and there must be puns. As many as possible, because they are the highest form of comedy.

[~Rue.The.Day~]

No, your characters do NOT need to remove armor at night. They can sleep in it because there is no such thing as armor chafe. Also, they will not get hot while crossing the desert in full plate mail. They never need to wash or change their clothes. Baths are also overrated.

When questing, everyone is peppy and morale is high. No matter that they've been walking for sixteen hours straight while the hero (who is very sexy, smart, rich, and sensitive to the leading lady's feelings) leads them to almost certain doom. No one ever questions the almight leader.

The world is saved in a single night despite years of war and/or suffering. It turns out that all you had to do was bust that crystal the villian always wears around his neck.

Vampire masters are badasses. Newly born vampires can be killed by anyone, despite still being stronger than any human. Vampire hunters kick vampire a**, but still manage to get stomped on the playground. They are always nubile young women or seasoned old men.

The villianess is in lust with the villian, because she's evil, but meets the hero face-to-face and realizes the error of her ways when confronted with the healing power of love. This works with all genders in all genres. It's just that awesome.

No matter who betrayed you or how many people were killed, everything is peachy keen on the last page. Those plot-holes come in handy.

Villianesses wear black and ruby. Heroines never wear red because they are too rebellious. Instead, they wear pastels but never brown. Brown is teh Satan.

[[N]ever.[A]utumn.[M]other]

The females of your story must always wear scanty clothing that makes you think 'sexy' or 'slut' when you first see it. Metal bikinis are obviously the most comfortable clothing, and give the hero a lovely view of her rump, even though she's insanely modest and would never think of jumping into bed with a man before they're in love. Ever, even though by the end of the story they have. Several times.

The villianess, if you have one, must always be wickedly jealous of the female lead who wins the hero. In fact, you must have a scene where the two of them fight and roll over tearing at each other's hair (Because their respective powers they used for every little thing before have somehow deserted them) and falling into mud puddles before agreeing that they should share the hero, and/or make him choose. He must choose the female lead overall, because she has a past with him he cannot ignore.

No matter how many random barmaids the hero knocks up, none of them will get pregnant. Barmaids, despite their hourglass figures, are automatically barren; only the lead love-interest may bear his children.

[~Rue.The.Day~]

Mechs are awesome. There should be one in every story, no matter where it's set. Give them chatspeak names like "TehRo><orz2856737657262." Makes you sexy.

Impossible couples are sexy. Everyone knows that Goku and Vegeta were made for each other. Do it now!

The younger the hero/ine is, the better. Likewise, the larger and more impossible the weapon is to swing/slash/stab--which is always a katana, mind you--the better.

Modeling your creatures/characters/villians/dieties off of copyrighted material is perfectly acceptable as long as no one catches on.

There is always Hell. Though there is no culture, religion, or reason for living an up-standing life, there is always Hell. Otherwise where would the demons come from?

The hero/ine must have an opposite-gendered counterpart that is solely there as a companion for the main character. This formula is flawless because readers do not expect any other characters save the villian to show up later.

Every enemy must die the most gruesome death imaginable as they fall prey to your character's utter 1337n3ss. Vice versa, all main characters and/or mentors must die rather peacefully, reconfirming the hero/ine as "The Chosen One."

No one doubts the awesomeness of the hero/ine except for the villian/ess and everyone knows what happens to him/her.

When in doubt, describe someone's hair/eyes/clothes.

[dusklord]

Have Your Pi

Involve something religious. The Bible's a bestseller, right?

thats bs some stuff that isn't religous sells well other times it all depends on the publisher...

[~Rue.The.Day~]

dusklord

Have Your Pi

Involve something religious. The Bible's a bestseller, right?

thats bs some stuff that isn't religous sells well other times it all depends on the publisher...

It was sarcasm. This is the Anti-Guide--as in, what NOT to do. Don't get riled up before you even understand what's going on.

[[N]ever.[A]utumn.[M]other]

When writing a challenge fic, never read it completely through. The writer doesn't mind if you shred their original idea with a number of things. In fact, they'll love you for it!! Go buck wild!

If you want your Incredibly-Non Mary Sue character ( rolleyes ) to dominate the storyline as he/she should, they must not only be of several species--which not only genetically nullify each other, but are also genderless and sterile--they must also have conflicting powers, such as water and fire, or shadow and light.
In fact, give them unquestionable powers over anything and everything, but blame it on a mystical event or accident. (Ex. Being born during an eclipse at a specific hour to the second, while a rainbow comet lit up the sky like day, or being bathed in your mother's blood after the vampire goth villian killed her when you were a babe, but you miraculously survived.)

[The Mortician]

(( This thread is messing with my head. gonk ))

Try to plagiarize everything. Remember, the best ideas are stolen from other people. So be sure to get everything, down to the last detail. In fact, why bother rewritting it? Just steal the book and cross out the name on it... write your own on it. Everyone will think you wrote the recent book of J.K.Rowling, Stephen King, or some other writer out there. Don't worry, you won't get caught.

[Alybrylla]

The Mortician

(( This thread is messing with my head. gonk ))

Try to plagiarize everything. Remember, the best ideas are stolen from other people. So be sure to get everything, down to the last detail. In fact, why bother rewritting it? Just steal the book and cross out the name on it... write your own on it. Everyone will think you wrote the recent book of J.K.Rowling, Stephen King, or some other writer out there. Don't worry, you won't get caught.

blaugh xd