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Register to reply| I try to avoid old, stupid things. |    |
17.2% | [ 1673 ] |
| I add new things. | |
15.3% | [ 1488 ] |
| A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it). | |
67.6% | [ 6585 ] |
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Side-kicks that are only their for comedic relief must be dumb, cowardly and tone deaf. Absolutely no one can come up with a wittier joke then your hero(ine).
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Improper spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation is artistic. If you neglect the basics of English, you have style.
All old men are wise and powerful. Think Gandalf or Dumbledore. If elderly people can't be strong, endearing, or always telling stories, there's no point in writing about them. Adult characters don't have to work because they've inherited money, live with their friends who pay for everything, or are paid for by their parents. Nobody wants to hear about your character's job unless it's cool and/or interesting, like secret agent, assassin, drug dealer, healer, teacher at a wizard school, etc. Handicapped characters are great, but their handicap can't take away from their beauty or grace. Blind and deaf characters are cool, characters who are mentally retarded or suffer from a disfiguring birth defect are not. Also, said characters must always angst about it (bonus points if the handicap is the result of a tragic accident). Make the group of main characters as similar to your own group of friends as possible. Have them recite the inside jokes you and your friends share, because the readers will catch on immediately and connect with your unique gang of protagonists. If possible, create a character for each friend, with yourself as the main one or leader. If a character is named Bob, your story must be a parody. Every story needs a character, particularly a female, who is outspoken, rebellious, wild, and totally awesome. Preferably with vibrantly-colored hair and facial piercings. She should be the main character's best friend. At least one character needs to have abusive or distant parents. |
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Tavreynya No matter what, the main character in any fantasy must use a sword. As for their traveling companions: the healer must use a staff, the spellcaster must constantly lug around their own weight in books, and you need someone who uses a bow. You just do. Don't ask questions. ((Seriously, guys, what if the healer used something weird? Like... healing mallets of friendlyness? I could just imagine... Healer: Hey, hero-dude! You okay? Hero: Unng... owww... I think I almost died... Healer: *donks over head with healing mallet of friendlyness* Hero: *healed* Wow, I feel a lot better!)) |
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x_haphazard_x Tavreynya No matter what, the main character in any fantasy must use a sword. As for their traveling companions: the healer must use a staff, the spellcaster must constantly lug around their own weight in books, and you need someone who uses a bow. You just do. Don't ask questions. ((Seriously, guys, what if the healer used something weird? Like... healing mallets of friendlyness? I could just imagine... Healer: Hey, hero-dude! You okay? Hero: Unng... owww... I think I almost died... Healer: *donks over head with healing mallet of friendlyness* Hero: *healed* Wow, I feel a lot better!)) ((Hee hee hee... Yeah... Tee hee hee...)) |
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Be sure that if you have words or names that are supposed to be in your own language you add in plenty of meaningless apostrophes- it makes the word foreign and possibly unearthly!
When your heroes are traveling or sitting by a campfire, as they are wont to do, they must frequently break into song. These songs must be long, preferably many pages, and the characters must never forget the words no matter how long the song is. |
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Internal conflict is code for "angst".
Having a character who is a shameless flirt is the best of all, especially if everyone ends up falling for her. The best kind of stories involve lots of love triangles. All of the suitors are either handsome men or beautiful women and have varying personalities. They must include the abusive one who really loves the main character, the cool and cold one, and the childlike one, as well as the childhood friend. None of them can ever be satisfied with a relationship that is just friends. Friendships are for losers. The only real kind of intercharacter relationship is true love. People never fall in lust (and if they do, they feel utterly horrible about it and go cry in their true love's arms) and never get passing crushes they mistake for love. Characters must always be correct in whatever they do. |
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All characters with eyepatches must either be evil or be pirates. If a random guy on the street has an eyepatch, that gives the hero(ine) the right to kick their butt on the spot. If a character is an evil pirate, they must have two eyepatches. This law is written in stone, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
All stories must have pirates, prefferably one evil one. Everybody, that means blindbeard the pirate is there! All of the heros must be absolute experts in what they do. What fun is reading about all of their amateur mistakes? All healers must be good cooks. In fact, their cooking is a gift from the gods, and can heal in its own right. The only thing that's making her (and yes, it must be a her!) from staying back home and becoming a famous chef at a 5 star restaurant is her want of peace and harmony. All pirates must have parrots, and the leader must have 3 or more parrots on them at all times. Don't ask. Just do it. |
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Characters who are introverted must always have a tragic past. And they're only introverted until some person listens to their problems, and then everything is happy and roses and beautiful.
Demons are the best thing ever created. If your villains aren't demons, they should be. Humans are bad and terrible things and should be avoided at all costs. |
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All priests should be wicked and corrupt. Priestesses must be either brilliantly wicked or kind and helpful.
Any "good" character suffering from any sort of wound or illness should always bravely refuse help from everyone. No one wants to see a character who can't dress themselves with two broken arms. Honestly! Instead of making all your characters exactly like you and your friends, you can also carefully design them to be utterly unlike you or your friends. Or your family. Or anyone else you know. People like to read about unique characters, right? |
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Pyrokenises is the best thing ever. Any character with it must be a seductive vixen, or if he's a guy, must have all of the girls running at their tail, even happily married ones. They must use this power a lot, no matter how impractical it would be in real life.
All humans must not have any magical prowess whatsoever. They must always be at a disadvantage to humanoid creatures who do. Except pirates, because they're awesome and can do no wrong. Yaay, pirates. |
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x_haphazard_x Pyrokenises is the best thing ever. Any character with it must be a seductive vixen, or if he's a guy, must have all of the girls running at their tail, even happily married ones. They must use this power a lot, no matter how impractical it would be in real life. All humans must not have any magical prowess whatsoever. They must always be at a disadvantage to humanoid creatures who do. Except pirates, because they're awesome and can do no wrong. Yaay, pirates. ((Pyrokinesis is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!)) |
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All pirates must be stereotypical "Arrrr" type pirates with bandanas, parrots, eyepatches, hook hands, and peg legs. In fact, try to incorporate all of these features onto the pirate leader.
If your story is science fiction and the pirates in question are of the space variety, these rules don't necessarily apply unless the story is a parody. (Eyepatches and scars are still okay, though.) However, all space pirates must either be horrible aliens (if they're evil) or have a dashing, roguish young leader who the heroine can fall in love with. |
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CombatC All pirates must be stereotypical "Arrrr" type pirates with bandanas, parrots, eyepatches, hook hands, and peg legs. In fact, try to incorporate all of these features onto the pirate leader. If your story is science fiction and the pirates in question are of the space variety, these rules don't necessarily apply unless the story is a parody. (Eyepatches and scars are still okay, though.) However, all space pirates must either be horrible aliens (if they're evil) or have a dashing, roguish young leader who the heroine can fall in love with. YAAY, PIRATES!!!! Because everybody heart s pirates. |
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If you like boy and girl romance, don't ever change that formula. There are tons of romance books out there after all, which means there'll always be a market for Girl Meets Boy, Girl Snubs Boy, Both Angst but cannot keep their hands off each other, There is a Problem and Love Resolves All. Just change the names, setting and the problem, and voila! You could produce a new story every day even!
If you're writing a fantasy, it should end in a glorious wedding. Sure, the villain is dead, but people need a perk-me-up, and a wedding party is just the thing! It should be incredibly lavish, despite the fact that the villain has despoiled whole countrysides and the farmers have probably been eaten by demons. It should have tons of lace and silk and jewellery and flowers, which have miraculously survived the powers of evil. The wedding should be blessed by the gods, and all troubles will melt away, especially because you killed an evil god to get to where you are now. If your heroic couple finally have kids, they should have Cool, Super-Magickal Powers. This is important! That way, your kids can dribble the Villain around the block and still have time to worry about their homework, and Mom and Dad finally acknowledge that their babies have grown up and even more powerful than they are! Yay! Better yet, nuke the teacher too, and the schoolyard bully while you're at it. |
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The heroine must be flawless, gorgeous, smart, a great fighter, 'someone who just knows things,' and sexy. She must unintentionally seduce the stoic/chaste hero and they must have gratuitous sex. I mean, look at the Anita Blake books! Sell quite well--648 pages, 600 of them gratuitous sex.
Whenever someone gets injured, they must be nursed back to health by some charming young princess disguised as a crone or something of the like. Your punk characters must shop at Hot Topic. A great idea for flaws--something like a missing toe; not normal, but not taking away from your Sue (and yes, it must be a Sue) and her brilliance. |
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