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Invisible Phantom

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Hey ... I wrote the start of this story a while ago and found it again the other day. I don't know if I should continue with it or not so I'd appreciate all the criticism you can give me biggrin
Tell me what ya think, don;t worry, I won't cry XD

Here's a link to it (just remember there is only three pages written but I think you can get the gist of what it is about by reading the first few pages biggrin )

A Cry from the Dark ..... Please tell me what ya think if you can XD
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The description of the story got me interested, however, there are a few things I'll have to nitpick. How is the king a great ruler if people are terrified of him? That doesn't make sense to me.

Also, you need to edit your story for grammatical errors and misspellings. There were quite a few there.
How is Stroan a good ruler if he is terribly cruel, rules out of fear, tortures people, killed his wife for a very irrational reason, and refuses to allow anyone to leave the city?
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Kairi Nightingale
How is Stroan a good ruler if he is terribly cruel, rules out of fear, tortures people, killed his wife for a very irrational reason, and refuses to allow anyone to leave the city?


I'm confused too.
Your Vampaneze Lover
Kairi Nightingale
How is Stroan a good ruler if he is terribly cruel, rules out of fear, tortures people, killed his wife for a very irrational reason, and refuses to allow anyone to leave the city?


I'm confused too.


Oh, lol. Looks like we posted around the same time.
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Invisible Phantom

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First, thanks for reading it smile
Second, I'll go back over it and edit it for spellings, it was only a rough draft to begin with so ... sorry about tthat smile
Also, I probably should have made it clearer, he's a good ruler in the sense that, though he is a bit irrational and killed his wife and all that, he protects that place from intruders, attackers and the like so, though he is a cruel kinda guy ... they feel safer living there .... if you get that makes any sense XD
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Kairi Nightingale
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How is Stroan a good ruler if he is terribly cruel, rules out of fear, tortures people, killed his wife for a very irrational reason, and refuses to allow anyone to leave the city?


I'm confused too.


Oh, lol. Looks like we posted around the same time.


Apparently so, though I guess it's good that we both agree on what needs to be improved.
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Shadow Delight
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First, thanks for reading it smile
Second, I'll go back over it and edit it for spellings, it was only a rough draft to begin with so ... sorry about tthat smile
Also, I probably should have made it clearer, he's a good ruler in the sense that, though he is a bit irrational and killed his wife and all that, he protects that place from intruders, attackers and the like so, though he is a cruel kinda guy ... they feel safer living there .... if you get that makes any sense XD


Alright, so maybe you should say instead that the king is a good strategist, or has great military expertise. Because despite that, he seems like a horrid ruler to me. People probably would have a sense of apprehension living under someone like that, because he has great inner power that he would have no problem using against them.

Anyways, good luck in your editing. I hope all goes well for you.
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Invisible Phantom

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Shadow Delight
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First, thanks for reading it smile
Second, I'll go back over it and edit it for spellings, it was only a rough draft to begin with so ... sorry about tthat smile
Also, I probably should have made it clearer, he's a good ruler in the sense that, though he is a bit irrational and killed his wife and all that, he protects that place from intruders, attackers and the like so, though he is a cruel kinda guy ... they feel safer living there .... if you get that makes any sense XD


Alright, so maybe you should say instead that the king is a good strategist, or has great military expertise. Because despite that, he seems like a horrid ruler to me. People probably would have a sense of apprehension living under someone like that, because he has great inner power that he would have no problem using against them.

Anyways, good luck in your editing. I hope all goes well for you.


Thank you very much smile
I edited the description, anyway so I hope it is less confusing and I will get to editing the rest now. Thanks again biggrin
Shadow Delight

First, thanks for reading it smile
Second, I'll go back over it and edit it for spellings, it was only a rough draft to begin with so ... sorry about tthat smile
Also, I probably should have made it clearer, he's a good ruler in the sense that, though he is a bit irrational and killed his wife and all that, he protects that place from intruders, attackers and the like so, though he is a cruel kinda guy ... they feel safer living there .... if you get that makes any sense XD


I have to agree with Vampaneze Lover. The bad far outweighs the good aspects of his rule so I would change the wording a bit. That's all.

I'm still reading the rest of it right now. While it's not bad or anything, I feel that you will have some editing ahead of you. Many things seem contradicting so far. The king killed his wife for staying up late one night for a sick friend. I can't imagine what he'd do to his daughter if he found out she had been leaving the castle. I also find it kind of unbelievable that she's been doing it every day, in broad daylight, and through the front gate of all things. How does the king not notice she's gone? If she was smart, I think she would go about this a bit differently if not at all. After all, if she's caught, she'll die, the guards that helped her would probably be torture/killed and so would the person she's visiting if he's ever found. (Judging by how the king behaves anyway.) That's a lot at stake. The guards should know this too. So why are they helping her? If they cared about her, they'd want to keep her safe from harm. And if they didn't, they'd want to save their own hides by keeping her inside.

The conversation between the two guards at the entrance was a little odd, too. First the guy says 'Get out of the way" but all the main character does is stand straighter. And then afterwards, when talking about the guy's crush on the princess, Cepheus tells him not to even think about it since he would be killed instantly by the king. However, the rest of that exchange implied that the reason why he didn't have a chance was that he never talked to her; the fact that he would die if he did seemed to fly right over his head. That's my impression of that anyway.

Those are just a couple things I wanted to point out, though. All in all, you seem to have a good idea. The setting is very interesting, too. I just feel that you need to work out the details a little more. You said you wrote this a while ago, right? Shouldn't be too much of a problem rereading it and fixing it up a bit, then. wink Good luck! I think that after developing it a bit more, it'd definitely be worth continuing. I'm sure it'll turn out great.
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Invisible Phantom

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Kairi Nightingale
Shadow Delight

First, thanks for reading it smile
Second, I'll go back over it and edit it for spellings, it was only a rough draft to begin with so ... sorry about tthat smile
Also, I probably should have made it clearer, he's a good ruler in the sense that, though he is a bit irrational and killed his wife and all that, he protects that place from intruders, attackers and the like so, though he is a cruel kinda guy ... they feel safer living there .... if you get that makes any sense XD


I have to agree with Vampaneze Lover. The bad far outweighs the good aspects of his rule so I would change the wording a bit. That's all.

I'm still reading the rest of it right now. While it's not bad or anything, I feel that you will have some editing ahead of you. Many things seem contradicting so far. The king killed his wife for staying up late one night for a sick friend. I can't imagine what he'd do to his daughter if he found out she had been leaving the castle. I also find it kind of unbelievable that she's been doing it every day, in broad daylight, and through the front gate of all things. How does the king not notice she's gone? If she was smart, I think she would go about this a bit differently if not at all. After all, if she's caught, she'll die, the guards that helped her would probably be torture/killed and so would the person she's visiting if he's ever found. (Judging by how the king behaves anyway.) That's a lot at stake. The guards should know this too. So why are they helping her? If they cared about her, they'd want to keep her safe from harm. And if they didn't, they'd want to save their own hides by keeping her inside.

The conversation between the two guards at the entrance was a little odd, too. First the guy says 'Get out of the way" but all the main character does is stand straighter. And then afterwards, when talking about the guy's crush on the princess, Cepheus tells him not to even think about it since he would be killed instantly by the king. However, the rest of that exchange implied that the reason why he didn't have a chance was that he never talked to her; the fact that he would die if he did seemed to fly right over his head. That's my impression of that anyway.

Those are just a couple things I wanted to point out, though. All in all, you seem to have a good idea. The setting is very interesting, too. I just feel that you need to work out the details a little more. You said you wrote this a while ago, right? Shouldn't be too much of a problem rereading it and fixing it up a bit, then. wink Good luck! I think that after developing it a bit more, it'd definitely be worth continuing. I'm sure it'll turn out great.


Thank you!
I posted it on the site to get exactly this kinda criticism to see what flaws I had in the ideas and stuff so I think you and Vampaneze Lover have told me exactly what I needed to hear!
I appreciate all your help. I'll work on the story and work on what you outlined.
You're the best XD
Shadow Delight


Thank you!
I posted it on the site to get exactly this kinda criticism to see what flaws I had in the ideas and stuff so I think you and Vampaneze Lover have told me exactly what I needed to hear!
I appreciate all your help. I'll work on the story and work on what you outlined.
You're the best XD


You're welcome. biggrin Good luck!

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