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Learned Gaian

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Turnilk

Its fine to take some things out of the source material and use them in your own (with some obvious restrictions), but using the entire thing leaves little wiggle room. Supernatural used the bible somewhat but also said in one episode that the bible wasn't entirely accurate, which leaves the writers some room to play with the material as they see fit. It might be a good way to go for THY SOUL HEALER. He could go the route of it being 100% perfect, but anyone who knows the bible well could poke holes very easily.

I was hoping for that too, but here's the thing: he says he's following The Bible, but when I asked about Enoch, he said 'God made arkangels when transformed'. So, did Enoch become an Arkangel (or Ark Angel)? I can't tell if he's leaving that part out or not. Leaving it out would look weird. Supernatural (and other good ones) didn't go 'Jesus just brought someone back from the dead. Jesus never did that'

He can write about Moses and Noah fighting velociraptors with machine guns (that'd be cool, actually), but he should be consistent as to whether your version includes Moses parting the red sea.

Turnilk

xd I thought this was in some sort of building in the present time or because of the birds that were mentioned, somewhere high up, possibly in a cloud. Then Samantha said "down here" so I thought they were on earth, somewhere... Like naked, in the Sahara.

Did you read the other sections he wrote and get a different picture of what was going on?


I tried, but his earlier chapters made less sense to me. I think Jesus and his posse are in that white place Q met Picard after he died (Picard, not Q).

Also, I have no clue about the Crucifixion. I just know people have faked it since...well, crucifixion.

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I got my stuff being edited, and Jesus Christ is written for modern day.
I am The Compendium
I was hoping for that too, but here's the thing: he says he's following The Bible, but when I asked about Enoch, he said 'God made arkangels when transformed'. So, did Enoch become an Arkangel (or Ark Angel)? I can't tell if he's leaving that part out or not. Leaving it out would look weird. Supernatural (and other good ones) didn't go 'Jesus just brought someone back from the dead. Jesus never did that'

He can write about Moses and Noah fighting velociraptors with machine guns (that'd be cool, actually), but he should be consistent as to whether your version includes Moses parting the red sea.

When who transformed? And why couldn't ark angels exist before that? Or maybe they just didn't exist before and Enoch was the first? I'm so confused.

If the character Samantha knows of Enoch, she could ask about him and it would give the Jesus character, and the author an opening to explain. Then again, she'd have to know a little more than just that one story to make it believable that she knows something about the bible and I don't know what the author is trying to do with her character as of yet. *hint to THY SOUL HEALER* *major hint*

I agree on the consistency. Inconsistency can be used in works for various reasons and for different effects, and sometimes on accident because the author made a mistake. If that is what he's going for, it isn't a good idea at the moment since its hard to keep up right now as it is.

I am The Compendium
I tried, but his earlier chapters made less sense to me. I think Jesus and his posse are in that white place Q met Picard after he died (Picard, not Q).

Also, I have no clue about the Crucifixion. I just know people have faked it since...well, crucifixion.

That's a possibility, since we really aren't given anything to indicate where they are.

I don't know how it would be faked in the past and have it be believable, considering the level of technology, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Also, I added a short bit in my last reply to you about the apron. Not sure if you saw it, but I think the jesus character could have brought it in from another time, kind of like with the bridge that was mentioned. Weird that he'd need one working in a book store, but it is possible that he'd have it if we're talking time travel/manipulation.

Learned Gaian

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Turnilk
'God made arkangels when transformed'


That's his exact wording, so I have no clue whether Healer is saying Enoch did or did not happen. It'd just look kinda weird if he says only his characters can be angels and that it never happened in the bible.

Maybe Jesus has a carpenter's apron and heavy gloves to protect his hands while using power tools. That or he's a waiter.
I am The Compendium
Turnilk
'God made arkangels when transformed'


That's his exact wording, so I have no clue whether Healer is saying Enoch did or did not happen. It'd just look kinda weird if he says only his characters can be angels and that it never happened in the bible.

Maybe Jesus has a carpenter's apron and heavy gloves to protect his hands while using power tools. That or he's a waiter.

I looked back to see if there was some context to it that I might be missing and it turns out he said "God made Arkangels be humans when transformed". it doesn't make any more sense, but I think he might be going for some sort of transformation thing considering some of the pictures on his deviant art account. I've seen it done in anime before and his drawings are somewhat anime looking, so it could be the transformation he's talking about. Maybe he's thinking archangels look different than the humans in a different outfit that we see in the drawings? It wouldn't answer your question about Enoch in the slightest though.

Then there is "This story don't exactly go bible, it was pulled from the holy books to make a fictional story." Which makes me think he's saying the bible isn't exactly right in his story, but he references it in the story, so I don't know. Maybe he meant it doesn't go in the bible, like certain things mentioning his arkangels in the bible are left out? Or, according to a later sentence "Jesus still follow the fact that humans and angels are different beings and cannot be one." he might be saying that angels and humans can't be the same thing except for these arkangels. This could then indirectly answer your question if you look at it in a certain way: the mentioning of any humans turning into angels in the bible could really just be them turning into arkangels, which aren't really angels somehow.

That's about all I can guess given what he's said about it.

It said twice that he was a book store owner. There is a possibility he's wearing the apron for his book store, though there wouldn't be much reason, or given the mention of him being a carpenter in the bible it could be a reference to that. The second is implausible unless he grabbed the apron from another time, since as you said, they weren't invented until the middle ages. He could be wearing it as a fashion choice, but I've never heard of anyone doing that, so it would be odd if that were the reason.

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Turnilk
THY SOUL HEALER
Can a literate edit and proof read my story?

twisted I decided to help rather than complain about you complaining about getting help you asked for.

Disclaimer: my own grammar and punctuation isn’t great (as anyone who has read my forum postings can point out), but I will be pointing out obvious problems that I see. I have also not read the other parts to your work and do not plan to. If something comes up that is addressed in one of those other parts, you can ignore my mentioning it, or you can say that it is dealt with elsewhere.

Instead of my usual listing of issues, changes will be made in red in the following quote in the spoiler. Any problems story wise will follow the quote in a numbered list. You can address them here, on your own, or not at all. Its your work after all.

THY SOUL HEALER
ARK ANGELS OF BALANCE /PART 6

(After part 5 I’m having literates edit my work before final posting, I’m going through the process of having my earlier work proof read and changed.)

Sophie and Breanna stood behind Jesus Christ, calmly waiting on him. Samantha, she needed answers about this book store owner called Jesus.

“First of all, who are you, and how did you vanish yesterday? Plus the birds today?” (Alternative: And what about the birds today?) (Alternative #2: And what was with the birds today?)

Why was the book store owner he smiling? Why was this strange s**t happening to her?

Jesus took off his apron. and started answering Samantha’s questions. (The striked out portion is unneeded as we can clearly see that he starts answering her questions in the next part.)“I am Jesus Christ, Son of God. I died on the cross of ancient Israel over two thousand years ago. I am have risen in my glorified body standing and now stand here before you, Samantha. You are here because I am ready to deploy you three and Sophie and Breanna as my Ark Angels of Balance. Not to be confused withthe Arch Angels that Michael and Gabriel belong to. The ’Ark Angels’ which is you three,(Who the ark angels are has been established already. You don’t need to repeat it.) is just a name that has no meaning. You three are spelled, (I get it. The three are the ark angels. Stop repeating it.) It’s spelledA-r-k, not A-r-c-h. you three are not angels from heaven. (Already established! Move on.) Now yesterday, I was in traffic because the devil was trying to delay my plans, like he always does. Now Exit seven you took yesterday, it was a route I made just to get you here, it don’t exist for another five hundred years. "

Jesus, he noticed Samantha’s questions before they were spoken. or she could say them. or she could speak them. it left her head. (Odd sentence. Had to change it.)

“My hands and feet still have the wounds from the nailing being nailed to the cross in the days of the Roman Empire.” (The underlined part isn’t necessary and could be taken off, but doesn’t have to be.)

Jesus removed his gloves and shoes, to reveal the fatal wounds that no faker could imitate. (Holes in the hands and feet are not fatal. And they could be faked if someone was willing to put up with the pain to do it to themselves or have it done to them.)

“I used the birds to bring you here because they were the first thought things I came up with. My dad, he would of used a softer approach, now that I think of it. For the future, I will stick to pillows or something. As for your powers? I gave them to you yesterday in traffic. “

Samantha, she wondered how Jesus gave her the about her powers over water and explosions. since they never made physical contact. “How did you give me powers? We never touched.” (Edited to make it less repetitive.)

Jesus smiled. “Eye contact ma’am, plus I don’t need to meet to give you anything. Recall the bible and how I raised the a girl out of from death? I can still do it. “

Samantha couldn't help being in amazed. Seeing Jesus Christ and not others in front of her. (There are two other people in the same place. Can she not see them for some reason?)

“You have left all of heaven and earth to be here. It’s amazing how the father let you be down here, and not on high. “(Phrasing was nonsensical. Changed it to make it slightly better.)

Jesus rubbed his head. “You act as if my father and I are glued to our chairs. If that was so, we would destroy the chairs and make new ones. Now back to the main subject. “

I… may have gone overboard… but I’m not done yet… sweatdrop

Other problems:

1] Sophie and Breanna are mentioned once and not brought up again unless you count the four times they were mentioned with Samantha as the “three”. What are they doing while this exposition is going on? It’s a bit weird to have them mentioned but not do anything. You could have Samantha look at them or something and mention what they are doing even if they aren’t going to have dialog in this part.
2] Where is this scene taking place? While reading I see no mention of location or surroundings or anything else. They could all be standing naked in the Sahara for all I know.
3] Speaking of being naked, there is no mention of clothing except the shoes and gloves that the Jesus character removes. That is a bit weird.
4] In my experience, aprons are worn when one would want their clothing protected from their activities while working. I don’t really know an instance where a book store would need their people to wear one, so why was Jesus wearing one? Is it part of the uniform? He can change it since he’s the owner, you know.
5] Stop f*cking repeating yourself. People aren’t so stupid that they need to be told four times in a row who the ark angels are. And yes, I realize I’m doing it too. Annoying isn’t it?
6] Unless you plan to make this ark angels thing into a visual medium that would show readers what is going on, I would encourage you to add more descriptions as to what people are doing and where they are or what is going on around them. It would help us get a clearer picture in our heads of the world you are trying to create.
7] There are a couple of instances where Jesus makes a reference to the bible. I’m not sure how well your character knows the bible, but your readers may or may not know it well enough to know what the fudge you are talking about. Keep that in mind.
8] I actually liked “You act as if my father and I are glued to our chairs.” part. Not sure why, exactly. I figured after picking at everything I should say something nice.

Over all, you have a lot of improvements you need to make. Perhaps working on your project and learning what you do wrong can help you spot those issues later. You can also try reading as terradi suggested. Seeing how others do it might get you to notice when things look or sound off in your own work. You could also try editing someone else’s work. I’m sure you could find something that is badly written on purpose just for the exercise of learning to spot problems. Some folks here in the Writer’s Forum might even be able to give you some good places to look for such things. It would be wise to ask nicely though mrgreen


Thank you
thread title
Removed, people are ----

I'm guessing the words you meant to put are "annoying" or "mean"?

Yeah... doing a crap ton of work for someone and expecting nothing more than maybe a quick "thanks" is totally annoying and mean. How dare terradi offer to help explain the rules of grammar if you needed her to. How dare terradi and I make suggestions that could help you better your grammar and writing. How dare I am The Compendium/I_Write_Ivre and I dare to edit your work as you requested. We are such terrible, awful meanies stare

THY SOUL HEALER
Thank you

You are welcome, but I_Write_Ivre also made suggestions to better your part 6, some of which I missed. You may want to look over what she said and see if you want to incorporate any of those.

I also have a feeling the "thank you" may change after you've read my above snarkiness/sarcasm. To be fair, we are hard on everyone, not just you. Our behavior and responses also tend to change depending on the person who made the thread. I can link you to two examples I know of, if needed.

I do wish you luck with your work though. I will probably take a lot of work to not just finish, but edit as you go.

Learned Gaian

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Turnilk

It said twice that he was a book store owner. There is a possibility he's wearing the apron for his book store, though there wouldn't be much reason, or given the mention of him being a carpenter in the bible it could be a reference to that. The second is implausible unless he grabbed the apron from another time, since as you said, they weren't invented until the middle ages. He could be wearing it as a fashion choice, but I've never heard of anyone doing that, so it would be odd if that were the reason.


Given the OP's attitude, I guess I won't feel bad about saying this: I assumed he forgot he originally put these guys in a bookstore and wanted some empty cosmic space they wouldn't be interrupted by customers. Also, I never heard of aprons in bookstores.
I am The Compendium
Given the OP's attitude, I guess I won't feel bad about saying this: I assumed he forgot he originally put these guys in a bookstore and wanted some empty cosmic space they wouldn't be interrupted by customers. Also, I never heard of aprons in bookstores.

I've been in a books-a-million that had a café area inside the store. The people behind the counter wore aprons. That is a big chain though, and they were dealing with food. Unless the character Jesus also serves food in his book store, it would be strange that he'd wear an apron. If he serves food, I'd assume he gets enough customers to warrant making food that would need an apron. Something like putting out a tray of cookies wouldn't do it. A small book store with few customers to interrupt would probably be best, or like you said, some cosmic white space since a larger book store with lots of customers would have people coming and going and over hearing their conversation.

He could have forgotten, thought it was an unimportant detail, or for some reason, we aren't supposed to know. At least, he has said there are things the reader isn't supposed to know yet. I'm not sure why location would fall into that category, but its possible.

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