'Son of God' should be capitalized like so. He died on Calgary, also known as Golgotha. There was no Israel at the time, so he'd specify one of those or Jerusalem.
Archangels (one word) are not something one belongs to, but similar to a species. He's say, 'not archangels, as Micheal and Gabriel are'.
I am uncertain about the term 'deploy' when it comes to angels. Enoch, a biblical human, did ascend to become an angel. However, angels are given tasks, so 'deploy' could work.
Since you bring up archangels, you insinuate you have the angelic hierarchy as canon in your story. Archangels are the second lowest and angels are the lowest, FYI. Not sure if this is relevant.
How can an angel not be an angel of heaven? An explanation for that would be better than the rest of Jesus's explanation for his delay.
'Ma'am' not 'mam'.
'The Father' capitalized like so.
That's the boring technical stuff, I probably missed some punctuation and grammar.
More description about everything would be good. Emotions, clothes, gestures, etc.
Why does she immediately think this is Jesus or how he works? Heck, what does he LOOK like? I'm imagining Brian from the Monty Python movie.
What are the others doing?
Why not just wait for her to pull over, talk to her and say 'bam! You got powers. Go fight a bad guy'?
God made Arkangels be humans when transformed, all this other stuff I get to the now. The way I think is the objective right now and etc. As for your other stuff? That's why I asked. And the awakening to powers? I don't want explosion now fight enimes, that part is for anothergeneration.
So what canon of Christianity are you going for? There's a million different interpretations, including ones where humans can be angels.
This story don't exactly go bible, it was pulled from the holy books to make a fictional story. Jesus still follow the fact that humans and angels are different beings and cannot be one. But the arkangels, they are a rank and power in it's own under human control. When a human become a arkangel of balance they take on the form of holy angels almost called cosplay, with their own looks and abilies given to them. Arkangels fight to weaken sins hold over society, they attack Satan's side to nothing.
Your looking at part 6 of the story, the other characters were already given details about themselves earlier on, except Jesus. This is Jesus Christ below.
So what canon of Christianity are you going for? There's a million different interpretations, including ones where humans can be angels.
This story don't exactly go bible, it was pulled from the holy books to make a fictional story. Jesus still follow the fact that humans and angels are different beings and cannot be one. But the arkangels, they are a rank and power in it's own under human control. When a human become a arkangel of balance they take on the form of holy angels almost called cosplay, with their own looks and abilies given to them. Arkangels fight to weaken sins hold over society, they attack Satan's side to nothing.
Your looking at part 6 of the story, the other characters were already given details about themselves earlier on, except Jesus. This is Jesus Christ below.
It seems ark angels are a bit akin to super heroes. This is fine, super heroes have fought Satan before and frankly, I think that can be cool.
Jesus seems to be Middle Eastern, judging by his hair and skin. Personally, I've always preferred that.
So what canon of Christianity are you going for? There's a million different interpretations, including ones where humans can be angels.
This story don't exactly go bible, it was pulled from the holy books to make a fictional story. Jesus still follow the fact that humans and angels are different beings and cannot be one. But the arkangels, they are a rank and power in it's own under human control. When a human become a arkangel of balance they take on the form of holy angels almost called cosplay, with their own looks and abilies given to them. Arkangels fight to weaken sins hold over society, they attack Satan's side to nothing.
Your looking at part 6 of the story, the other characters were already given details about themselves earlier on, except Jesus. This is Jesus Christ below.
removed
It seems ark angels are a bit akin to super heroes. This is fine, super heroes have fought Satan before and frankly, I think that can be cool.
Jesus seems to be Middle Eastern, judging by his hair and skin. Personally, I've always preferred that.
I know that the bible said wool hair about Jesus, but the white man made his hair longer changing the word. Since white Jesus is very popular in America, I gave colored Jesus longer hair.
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The one thing that annoy me about literates is that everything confuses them. Why must literates need a class and status report for every dam story? What you see before you is all your suppose to know. Now my grammar? I try my best in Word, being hated on makes me not write. You can read my stuff in the url.
The one thing that annoy me about literates is that everything confuses them. Why must literates need a class and status report for every dam story? What you see before you is all your suppose to know.
Class and status reports? Please explain.
As for wanting more, of course we do. We want atmosphere, nuances, gestures, movement. We want to feel the world you're writing is the world we're living in, not just what we're reading.
THY SOUL HEALER
Now my grammar? I try my best in Word, being hated on makes me not write.
No one is perfect, but grammar tells us those important nuances. Grammar means tells us the time something happened compared to something else, the chronology events took place in, and much more. Same with spelling.
Being corrected or asked about it isn't 'being hated on'. You've been corrected all through school so you an learn about your mistakes and to perfect your work. You're going to have to deal with editors and proofreaders in publishing and all kinds of work. If you ever need something fixed or answered, you'll need grammar and you'll have to answer to people going 'huh?' to get things done.
Don't take it as an insult. It's never an insult unless it has 'and you are stupid' connected to it.
When people read your stuff and give feedback, it's because they care about you and want to help. Don't call them haters for that. Be appreciative and realize questions are there to understand as much as possible to give you the best answer and corrections and critique are so you can make your stuff the best it can be.
The one thing that annoy me about literates is that everything confuses them. Why must literates need a class and status report for every dam story? What you see before you is all your suppose to know. Now my grammar? I try my best in Word, being hated on makes me not write. You can read my stuff in the url.
Insulting the people attempting to help you is the easiest way to get them to stop helping you. It might even attract the attention of people like myself who will pick apart every little thing in your work. I've done it before and it was fun emotion_c8
Also, a correction: "literates" do not need a straight forward explanation of everything. They might ask questions which might lead to answers, but might not. For example, once I posted here looking for assistance and was asked a large number of questions, many of which I didn't have an answer for. Does that mean what I was working on is a pile of steaming horse pucky? No. It meant there were flaws in my project and I needed to think about what I was doing and be sure that I address it.
Your grammar is indeed not the greatest. Keep in mind however, that this is the Writer's Forum. People will pick at your grammar. Mentioning that you aren't very good with it might get you some slack as it would for people whose first language isn't English, but that isn't going to guarantee that no one will say anything about it. And when you ask people to help you edit your work, OF COURSE they are going to bring it up and correct it. That is how editing works: you fix problems.
The one thing that annoy me about literates is that everything confuses them. Why must literates need a class and status report for every dam story? What you see before you is all your suppose to know. Now my grammar? I try my best in Word, being hated on makes me not write. You can read my stuff in the url.
Going to give my attempt at answering this, as it seems as if you've gotten more editing than you wanted already. (Until those things are corrected and you've tweaked what you want there ... I figure you have all the work you really want to handle.)
I assume you're talking about the requests for more details and information? Some of it is because as a writer, it's really easy to just assume that your audience will know or assume certain things because you know them. (As a writer, I have made this mistake and needed people to tell me that things were unclear.) Also, anytime you decide to break cannon and come up with your own twist on an old story, clarification is vital. Otherwise your audience is going to assume you're going by the traditional rules and when you don't they're going to think that you are writing poorly rather than that you're doing your own thing.
Grammar is a tricky beast, and if you're honestly not seeing mistakes because you're not aware of them, that is a challenge. Editing is about fixing grammar too. Typos happen. Misspellings happen. Grammatical mistakes happen too. Nothing to be ashamed of or get frustrated about. It just means that you need the corrections right now.
If you're looking to improve your grammar, just ask. I know I'm always happy to try clarifying a grammar rule and making it easier to spot mistakes whenever I'm asked to do so. Though really reading is one of the best ways to improve your natural sense of grammar. After a while things are just going to look right if they're done a specific way or look wrong when they aren't. Even if you don't know the grammar rules, it's very possible to develop a natural sense of what looks right and what doesn't.
twisted I decided to help rather than complain about you complaining about getting help you asked for.
Disclaimer: my own grammar and punctuation isn’t great (as anyone who has read my forum postings can point out), but I will be pointing out obvious problems that I see. I have also not read the other parts to your work and do not plan to. If something comes up that is addressed in one of those other parts, you can ignore my mentioning it, or you can say that it is dealt with elsewhere.
Instead of my usual listing of issues, changes will be made in red in the following quote in the spoiler. Any problems story wise will follow the quote in a numbered list. You can address them here, on your own, or not at all. Its your work after all.
THY SOUL HEALER
ARK ANGELS OF BALANCE /PART 6
(After part 5 I’m having literates edit my work before final posting, I’m going through the process of having my earlier work proof read and changed.)
Sophie and Breanna stood behind Jesus Christ, calmly waiting on him. Samantha, she needed answers about this book store owner called Jesus.
“First of all, who are you, and how did you vanish yesterday?Plus the birds today?” (Alternative: And what about the birds today?) (Alternative #2: And what was with the birds today?)
Why was the book store ownerhe smiling?Why was this strange s**t happening to her?
Jesus took off his apron.and started answering Samantha’s questions.(The striked out portion is unneeded as we can clearly see that he starts answering her questions in the next part.)“I am Jesus Christ,Son of God. I died on the cross of ancient Israel over two thousand years ago. I amhave risen in my glorified body standingand now stand here before you, Samantha. You are here because I am ready to deploy you threeand Sophie and Breanna as my Ark Angels of Balance. Not to be confused withthe Arch Angels that Michael and Gabriel belong to. The’Ark Angels’which is you three,(Who the ark angels are has been established already. You don’t need to repeat it.) is just a name that has no meaning. You three are spelled,(I get it. The three are the ark angels. Stop repeating it.)It’s spelledA-r-k, not A-r-c-h.you three are not angels from heaven.(Already established! Move on.) Now yesterday, I was in traffic because the devil was trying to delay my plans, like he always does. NowExit seven you took yesterday, it was a route I made just to get you here, it don’t exist for another five hundred years. "
Jesus, he noticed Samantha’s questions before they were spoken. orshe could say them.orshe could speak them.it left her head. (Odd sentence. Had to change it.)
“My hands and feet still have the wounds from the nailingbeing nailed to the cross in the days of the Roman Empire.” (The underlined part isn’t necessary and could be taken off, but doesn’t have to be.)
Jesus removed his gloves and shoes, to reveal the fatal wounds that no faker could imitate. (Holes in the hands and feet are not fatal. And they could be faked if someone was willing to put up with the pain to do it to themselves or have it done to them.)
“I used the birds to bring you here because they were the first thoughtthings I came up with.My dad, he would of used a softer approach, now that I think of it. For the future, I will stick to pillows or something. As for your powers? I gave them to you yesterday in traffic. “
Samantha, she wondered how Jesus gave her theabout her powers over water and explosions.since they never made physical contact. “How did you give me powers? We never touched.” (Edited to make it less repetitive.)
Jesus smiled. “Eye contact ma’am, plus I don’t need to meet to give you anything. Recall the bible and how I raised thea girl out offrom death? I can still do it. “
Samantha couldn't help being in amazed.Seeing Jesus Christ and not others in front of her. (There are two other people in the same place. Can she not see them for some reason?)
“You have left all of heaven and earth to be here.It’s amazing how the father let you be down here, and not on high. “(Phrasing was nonsensical. Changed it to make it slightly better.)
Jesus rubbed his head. “You act as if my father and I are glued to our chairs.If that was so, we would destroy the chairs and make new ones. Now back to the main subject. “
I… may have gone overboard… but I’m not done yet… sweatdrop
Other problems:
1] Sophie and Breanna are mentioned once and not brought up again unless you count the four times they were mentioned with Samantha as the “three”. What are they doing while this exposition is going on? It’s a bit weird to have them mentioned but not do anything. You could have Samantha look at them or something and mention what they are doing even if they aren’t going to have dialog in this part. 2] Where is this scene taking place? While reading I see no mention of location or surroundings or anything else. They could all be standing naked in the Sahara for all I know. 3] Speaking of being naked, there is no mention of clothing except the shoes and gloves that the Jesus character removes. That is a bit weird. 4] In my experience, aprons are worn when one would want their clothing protected from their activities while working. I don’t really know an instance where a book store would need their people to wear one, so why was Jesus wearing one? Is it part of the uniform? He can change it since he’s the owner, you know. 5] Stop f*cking repeating yourself. People aren’t so stupid that they need to be told four times in a row who the ark angels are. And yes, I realize I’m doing it too. Annoying isn’t it? 6] Unless you plan to make this ark angels thing into a visual medium that would show readers what is going on, I would encourage you to add more descriptions as to what people are doing and where they are or what is going on around them. It would help us get a clearer picture in our heads of the world you are trying to create. 7] There are a couple of instances where Jesus makes a reference to the bible. I’m not sure how well your character knows the bible, but your readers may or may not know it well enough to know what the fudge you are talking about. Keep that in mind. 8] I actually liked “You act as if my father and I are glued to our chairs.” part. Not sure why, exactly. I figured after picking at everything I should say something nice.
Over all, you have a lot of improvements you need to make. Perhaps working on your project and learning what you do wrong can help you spot those issues later. You can also try reading as terradi suggested. Seeing how others do it might get you to notice when things look or sound off in your own work. You could also try editing someone else’s work. I’m sure you could find something that is badly written on purpose just for the exercise of learning to spot problems. Some folks here in the Writer’s Forum might even be able to give you some good places to look for such things. It would be wise to ask nicely though mrgreen
Jesus removed his gloves and shoes, to reveal the fatal wounds that no faker could imitate. (Holes in the hands and feet are not fatal. And they could be faked if someone was willing to put up with the pain to do it to themselves or have it done to them.)
Even without pain, they have been faked many times throughout history. This was a plotpoint in the play Tartuffe and mocked how much charlatans tricked and swindled people with it.
Turnilk
7] There are a couple of instances where Jesus makes a reference to the bible. I’m not sure how well your character knows the bible, but your readers may or may not know it well enough to know what the fudge you are talking about. Keep that in mind.
Much, if not all of the Bible is free to read on the internet, Wiki, free Bible pages, and even The Lego Testament can be accessed in seconds. If Jesus is going to Reference The Bible (written AFTER his death and the canon compiled centuries later), he knows Enoch became an actual, real, angel. If you're going to pick and choose, that's fine, OP, but don't say 'The Bible is real in this, stop telling me what's in the Bible' A little consistency isn't that bad
Also, it took me three seconds to find out Aprons weren't invented until the Middle Ages.
Even without pain, they have been faked many times throughout history. This was a plotpoint in the play Tartuffe and mocked how much charlatans tricked and swindled people with it.
I wasn't thinking that it had been faked before, but it would certainly make sense. Famous people, real or not, tend to get latched onto by others who intend to use them or their stories for themselves in various ways. Usually its to become famous and/or make money.
Come to think of it, jesus wasn't the only person crucified. Plenty of others would have the holes without having to fake them neutral There is also this thing that some people do (not sure if it is a holiday or ritual or something else), where they intentionally have themselves crucified, are lifted into the air for a short time, then brought down and the nails removed. It is done in modern times. Wish I knew what to call it so I could look it up and give a link.
I am The Compendium
Much, if not all of the Bible is free to read on the internet, Wiki, free Bible pages, and even The Lego Testament can be accessed in seconds. If Jesus is going to Reference The Bible (written AFTER his death and the canon compiled centuries later), he knows Enoch became an actual, real, angel. If you're going to pick and choose, that's fine, OP, but don't say 'The Bible is real in this, stop telling me what's in the Bible' A little consistency isn't that bad.
True. I do think things should be self contained though. I shouldn't have to stop reading something just to go look up something else because I don't know what is being referred to. When he says "hey remember this story form the bible?" my response is "No. Give me a minute to look it up, damn you." I know he flat out says what he did, but still, it is frustrating especially if I'm paying enough attention to actually want to know what they are talking about.
Its fine to take some things out of the source material and use them in your own (with some obvious restrictions), but using the entire thing leaves little wiggle room. Supernatural used the bible somewhat but also said in one episode that the bible wasn't entirely accurate, which leaves the writers some room to play with the material as they see fit. It might be a good way to go for THY SOUL HEALER. He could go the route of it being 100% perfect, but anyone who knows the bible well could poke holes very easily.
I am The Compendium
Also, it took me three seconds to find out Aprons weren't invented until the Middle Ages.
xd I thought this was in some sort of building in the present time or because of the birds that were mentioned, somewhere high up, possibly in a cloud. Then Samantha said "down here" so I thought they were on earth, somewhere... Like naked, in the Sahara.
Did you read the other sections he wrote and get a different picture of what was going on?
EDIT: What I was getting at is that maybe he grabbed it from another time. Considering he brought a bridge from another time, it is somewhat plausible.
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