Need help with a kiss scene...

[Leopoet]

Bumpetybumpbumpbump bump bumpers.

[Ezmirelda Dundundun]

TruthisPain

Bumpetybumpbumpbump bump bumpers.

No bumping in the Writer's Forum.

[Braxeus]

Hilde, I like what you've done with setting up the kiss scene. However, I have some more suggestions for you:

1. You left Miyuki behind some bushes, watching them. Unless there's some plot device of her secretly knowing about their kiss, then I'd recommend making more use of her to really add more life to the setting.

2. Again, for adding more life to the setting, go into more detail. What do they see in that moment before they decide to kiss, the last time each character's gaze wanders from the others before the kiss itself? Placing relatively short but beautiful detail in the right moment before the kiss can really enhance it.

[Hilde]

Thanks again for reading through my entire scene.
About Miyuki: Well, first of all, it's a boy xd But you couldn't know that so I won't blame you. wink The reason why he went outside is the scene that's written BEFORE the kissing scene:

(Ray is Miyuki's friend. Raiju is just his nickname... sorry if it's confusing! Eron is another friend of theirs, who likes to create fireballs with her magic powers xd )


"I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm-"

"Annoying, demon." Ray sighed. He looked at the white-haired half demon, who was bouncing through the room.

"Why don't you go outside and watch sundown?" Ray asked. "Seems like everyone is doing that. Pretty useless if you ask me."

"What a good idea!" Miyuki said happily. "Raiju! Come watch sundown with me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No." Ray repeated. "Ask one more time and I'll let Eron shoot you with that fireball."

"Alright. I'll go alone then." Miyuki sighed, and went outside.

And that's where he sees Sulfur and Jamie on the bench. Miyuki is a rather childish person, so it's in his behaviour to spy on them... whee

Also, I've changed a bit in the kissing scene, and I tried to use a lot of advice from you guys:

"I love you, too." Sulfur whispered, in reply to what Jamie had said almost two weeks ago. These four simple words made Jamie smile so broadly that tears came to his light eyes. The sun was now completely gone, leaving the landscape in a warm, red glow, which also spread across Sulfur and Jamie's happy faces. It made Sulfur's silver eyes sparkle and they seemed to have small, golden lights in them.

I hope that adds a bit more description to it...

[Echelon Mykal]

Yeah. It adds a romanitc hue.

[Uumie-chan]

I like what you did with it. I could just picture it all in my MIND. whee