Welcome to Gaia! ::

<3 </3

Free gold!!

Yay!!! 1 100.0% [ 258 ]
Total Votes:[ 258 ]
Thee Enchantress's avatar

Timid Seeker

Also...Kendra you are awesome!!!
Don't talk down on yourself!
You are sweet and funny and such a blast to have around!!!!
angel allure's avatar

Destitute Abomination

21,800 Points
  • Perfect Attendance 400
  • Hero 100
  • Alchemy Level 10 100
Hey! I'm really close to the final scene of book 1. I need help from someone before I can continue. This is very raw/unedited, so please excuse my errors. On the other hand, feel free to point them out and make your own suggestions.

I provided a tiny snippet of prior conversation for comprehension, but the last part is the one I would looked at most.

Edit: I forgot to mention why. x3 I think it needs to sound meaner. Just let me know what y'all think. >.<


“You made it clear that you only wanted me for my powers from the start,” Thea began. “So let me make this easy for you. I will fight by your side, but I want nothing to do with you outside of the battlefield. Your advances are entirely unreciprocated and undesired, so quit presenting them.”
Hades, Persephone, Hermes and Artemis peered over at the two, the feeling of celebration dampened by Thea’s firm words to Koli. He gazed at her in utter shock, unmoving.
“This is rather awkward,” Hades interrupted. “For you see, it is my order that you will be attending the celebration with Koli, arm in arm. I hope you two are able to reconcile in time to enjoy the party that will be on the tongues of all future generations.”
Thea scowled, turning on her heel to the exit. She paused at the entrance and looked over her should to glare at the laughing king. “Then, I can only hope I develop a tolerance for the taste of Olympian wine and fast.” She stormed into the hallway and up the stairs, slamming her door upon entrance.
Korinna, who had been straightening up around Thea’s bed, jumped at the sound.
“I want you to make me the most envied woman by all for tonight. There is going to be some form of a royal ball and I want to break the heart of every male in the room, especially Koli’s. I don’t care what it takes, but I will make him rue the day he ever crossed me.”
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

190

This part is telling me something about Laura I didn't know. Poor girl
Moya of the Mist's avatar

Obsessive Loiterer

454 words.

Enchantress: Cool. I'll be going at :00 and :30 until I write 8.5k today to make up for my lackluster writing this weekend.

Angel: I'm not sure that I know enough about the story to offer crit, but it sounds fine.
Morsuaile's avatar

Magical Bookworm

@Angel - Do you want Hades to sound meaner or Thea to sound meaner? If Thea then you can definitely shorten up her last line. Something short and bitter I think could make he seem much more cross.

My scene is escalating too quickly and I'm now afraid the only way out of it is to kill my one true "bad guy"! But I need her to be around for a revenge story line. Common plot, work with me!
Moya of the Mist's avatar

Obsessive Loiterer

Mors: They attempt murder, she plays dead, they storm out then come back for the body later and find that it's missing? Dun dun duuuun?

That's the first solution that I came up with, at least.
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

My sponsor just dropped by he brought me bunch of junk food to keep me going. Now he is going to stay a bit to keep me from writing. Be back later
Thee Enchantress's avatar

Timid Seeker

Actually I will not be able to go at :30...
I am reading to the mail room on campus to send out your package!
Be back in a few!!!
Moya of the Mist's avatar

Obsessive Loiterer

Kendra: Have fun being distracted!

Enchantress: Oh, okay! I'm going to send yours out once my boyfriend finishes work for the day.


EDIT: Also, I may take a nap when I hit 5k, because I'm kind of exhausted. *sigh* I guess that makes it unlikely that I'll hit 8.5k today...
Morsuaile's avatar

Magical Bookworm

@Moya - I'm considering it, but she already escaped from handcuff so I'm not sure how many surprises I can let her have gonk

@Kendra - Keep you from writing? Your sponsor only sounds half helpful!
Moya:: no, sadly, I don't. Although, honestly, I prefer to just listen to my music while I drive. So it all works out. Besides I'm sure I can catch up. The not knowing where to go from here is going to put me further behind than the drive, I think.

Kendra:: I agree with Morse, your sponsor only sounds half helpful if he is distracting you from writing. Also, yay treats!
Plus, I don't think you are annoying either. I enjoy you hanging around the thread and everything. It's nice.

EDIT:: Also, I may be bouncing in and out a bit. I need to make sure my dorm is super clean before I leave tomorrow since I won't have time to tomorrow and my roommates just don't hardly clean. So help me it better be clean when I get back or else...
Moya of the Mist's avatar

Obsessive Loiterer

439 words. Definitely slowing down. Maybe I should nap now and pick up speed later? What do y'all think?

Mors: The sort of person who can escape from handcuffs is the sort of person who can fake her own death, no? The readers will know that this character has a few tricks up her sleeve, at least. Ultimately your call, of course.

Shadow: Hmm. I wonder if there are any free versions of the program... But you should probably focus anyway, I guess.
dah fuzzinator of dewm!'s avatar

Tricky Shapeshifter

12,200 Points
  • Junior Trader 100
  • PAAANNNTTTSSS 100
  • Alchemy Level 3 100
759 words. Excellent!

Do any one of you guys have the desktop edition of Write or die? I think I am starting to get attached to it. sweatdrop
angel allure's avatar

Destitute Abomination

21,800 Points
  • Perfect Attendance 400
  • Hero 100
  • Alchemy Level 10 100
Moya of the Mist


Angel: I'm not sure that I know enough about the story to offer crit, but it sounds fine.

cat_sweatdrop It's okay. Thank you, anyway. <3
angel allure's avatar

Destitute Abomination

21,800 Points
  • Perfect Attendance 400
  • Hero 100
  • Alchemy Level 10 100
Morsuaile
@Angel - Do you want Hades to sound meaner or Thea to sound meaner? If Thea then you can definitely shorten up her last line. Something short and bitter I think could make he seem much more cross.

My scene is escalating too quickly and I'm now afraid the only way out of it is to kill my one true "bad guy"! But I need her to be around for a revenge story line. Common plot, work with me!


Thea, actually. Thanks for the advice. I think that just might work.

sad About your plot, I hate it when that happens! I had to keep reworking mine. My first book wasn't even supposed to get this far, but I think it actually worked out for the best. I don't know anything about your plotline...but just try to outline things a little further and maybe you'll see an opening.
My suggestion: You could severely injure the bad guy instead, incapacitating them for the time being?

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games