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Meet Velonz Valkerion, a Lonely Orphan who was sold as slave to a noble. The Noble who bought him turned out be kind and under his care Velonz was Disciplined, Educated and Trained as a fighter. Velonz in turn Protected his master with his life, the relation between them was not like any other slave and master. Velonz was entrusted by the last name of "Valkerion" which was the Noble's last name. There was no great honor than this.

Everything was going well until, due to to internal strife the other nobles Killed Valkerion Family and blamed everything on Velonz. After being labeled as traitor and a killer,a Bounty was Placed on Velonz's head.

Velonz spent rest of his days hiding underground among thieves and killers, known and hailed as a Robin hood figure in the underground world. He started a Thief Guild and Stole from the Rich and gave it to the poor. But of course this wasn't going to end here.

In a certain incident, Velonz lost all his memories. His mates from thieving guild try to help him regain his memories by reminding him of his past but the memories that emerge are Strange and different as if he was a completely different person all-together.

Originally Velonz was a calculating person, He wouldn't start a fight if he wasn't sure to win. He would be the first one to run away if things weren't working according to his plan and only thing he had confidence in was his speed.

but after the Incident, his cowardly attitude changed, His heart would start beating fast whenever he saw people fighting. his feet would always drag him to a battlefield. Attracted to Smell of Death just like a Moth attracted to light.

It wasn't Long until Velonz saw, that he died long ago...infront of...himself? in his memories.
then who is it? who is the one who has body of Velonz?

The answer was far Ridiculous than the Question.

To be Continued....

Comment away, Criticism appreciated.
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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That's a lot of summarization. Why not make an actual story out of all of that? Let's see why someone kind would own a slave. Let's see the internal strife that killed him and why he was defenseless against it. Let's see him in the company of those without empathy and still find a way to retain it.
Kinzard the Insane's avatar

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I_Write_Ivre
That's a lot of summarization. Why not make an actual story out of all of that? Let's see why someone kind would own a slave. Let's see the internal strife that killed him and why he was defenseless against it. Let's see him in the company of those without empathy and still find a way to retain it.


Well All I can Provide is summary for now, I do storytelling in my own language orally usually. I am not much of a Writer though, also I tried putting this in comic Form but failed terribly...for many reasons.

This is actually a Continuation of "KTI" series.

and by the way Velonz's backstory is just like a backdrop only for his character. something you'd hear out of a gossiping mouth. it is never explained how his master was like nor what caused the strife very clearly.
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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Kinzard the Insane

and by the way Velonz's backstory is just like a backdrop only for his character. something you'd hear out of a gossiping mouth. it is never explained how his master was like nor what caused the strife very clearly.

That sounds sad, as it sounds more interesting than what's hinted at.
Kinzard the Insane
Meet Velonz Valkerion, a Lonely Orphan who was sold as a slave to a noble. The Noble who bought him turned out be kind and under his care Velonz was disciplined, educated and trained as a fighter. Velonz in turn protected his master with his life; the relation between them was unlike that of any other slave and master. Their bond was so great that Velonz was entrusted by with the honor of the last name of "Valkerion" which was, the Noble's last name surname. There was no greater honor than this.

Everything was going well until, due to to internal strife, the other nobles killed the Valkerion Family and framed everything on Velonz. After being Labeled as traitor and a killer,a bounty was placed on Velonz's head. Not sure how to reword this, but it's passive and could be made more interesting.

Velonz spent rest of his days years hiding underground among thieves and killers, known and hailed as a Robin hood figure in the underground world. Um...he's not going to take revenge? Ought he to since the bond with his kind master was so strong? He started a Thief Guild and stole from the rich and gave it to the poor. But of course this wasn't going to end here. fate would not be so kind as to let him be.

In a certain incident, Velonz lost all his memories. His mates from thieving guild the Thieves' Guild tried to help him regain his memories by reminding him of his past. Yet for their help the memories that emerged are were strange and different, alien as if he was were a completely different person all-together. Stay in the same tense. The first part of this was present tense and the second was past. Make up your mind and stick with it.

Originally Prior to the incident, Velonz was calculative person,; He wouldn't start a fight engage in battle if he wasn't sure to win. He would be the first one to run away if things weren't working according to his plan and only thing he had confidence in was his speed. He had such confidence in his speed that if his strategy fell through, he would be the first to make a break for safety. Wasn't he trained to be a fighter? That covers his calculating nature, but he should be strategic and able to improvise as well so that his plans made it through despite the odds. Aside from that, he shouldn't be such a coward if he was willing to put his life on the line to protect his former master.

but after the Incident, his cowardly attitude changed, His heart would start beating fast whenever he saw people fighting. his feet would always drag him to a battlefield. Attracted to Smell of Death just like a Moth attracted to light.

The incident had changed his non-aggressive attitude. In the midst of battle or even for the common bar brawls, his blood would boil, and, heart hammering rapidly, his feet would whisk him into the fray without regard for life or health. Like wood in a roaring fire, the heat of the fight, the smell of death, called to his body while his mind fretted, a coward in the corner, folding in on itself until Velonz realized he was no long who he had been, his memories gone, his person and free will stolen away. Who was he now? Who now controlled the vessel of his mind?

It wasn't Long until Velonz saw, that he died long ago...infront of...himself? in his memories.
then who is it? who is the one who has body of Velonz?


The answer was far more ridiculous than the question.

To be Continued....


Anyway, just a few suggestions. The stuff in red is grammatical corrections. The crossed out stuff is words that shouldn't be there or could be replaced by following red words. The red italicized stuff is...my suggestions. Take it or leave it, but be grateful. Honestly, I spent like five minutes on this! I'm wiped out!
I have to agree with I_Write_Iver, your first post could be the bones of an awesome story, especially with the suggestions that Tenshi made. Why not try writing it? Practice is how you get better at anything, so why not take the concept you've shown us here and see where it goes?
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I_Write_Ivre
That's a lot of summarization. Why not make an actual story out of all of that? Let's see why someone kind would own a slave. Let's see the internal strife that killed him and why he was defenseless against it. Let's see him in the company of those without empathy and still find a way to retain it.


Agreed. If the guy intends to treat him like his own son, why not like, adopt him? Buying him as a slave forces certain implications that the kid probably wouldn't be comfortable with even if he was treated well. I make it a point because one of my stories has a character that was a slave and did have a kind master, even did sometimes treat him like his own kid, but the character still hated being in slavery and constantly fantasized about escaping. (and he eventually did do that)
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I_Write_Ivre
That's a lot of summarization. Why not make an actual story out of all of that? Let's see why someone kind would own a slave. Let's see the internal strife that killed him and why he was defenseless against it. Let's see him in the company of those without empathy and still find a way to retain it.


Agreed. If the guy intends to treat him like his own son, why not like, adopt him? Buying him as a slave forces certain implications that the kid probably wouldn't be comfortable with even if he was treated well. I make it a point because one of my stories has a character that was a slave and did have a kind master, even did sometimes treat him like his own kid, but the character still hated being in slavery and constantly fantasized about escaping. (and he eventually did do that)


I'm a bit fuzzy on versions of the Bible, but wasn't Joseph a slave who became a noble through his master?

Wouldn't their evolving relationship be something interesting to write about, especially if political intrigue was thrown in and the slave-turned-noble also became a Robin Hood who used his experience to change the country?
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I_Write_Ivre


I'm a bit fuzzy on versions of the Bible, but wasn't Joseph a slave who became a noble through his master?

Wouldn't their evolving relationship be something interesting to write about, especially if political intrigue was thrown in and the slave-turned-noble also became a Robin Hood who used his experience to change the country?


Perhaps. It really depends on the system of slavery used. A lot of American writers use race-based slavery, as it is the kind they're most familiar with, though in such a system, moving up is a near impossibility and the slave, even when freed, will never be treated as an equal. Still, even in a different system, it's highly unlikely that someone would buy a slave and immediately start treating him as his own son. If that were the intent, why didn't he adopt a child? Was there some social taboo against it, or was it illegal for him to? Would the society ban adoptions by single people, or would it have been illegal for a noble to adopt a commoner child and there were no orphaned noble kids for him to pick up?
marshmallowcreampie
I_Write_Ivre
That's a lot of summarization. Why not make an actual story out of all of that? Let's see why someone kind would own a slave. Let's see the internal strife that killed him and why he was defenseless against it. Let's see him in the company of those without empathy and still find a way to retain it.


Agreed. If the guy intends to treat him like his own son, why not like, adopt him? Buying him as a slave forces certain implications that the kid probably wouldn't be comfortable with even if he was treated well. I make it a point because one of my stories has a character that was a slave and did have a kind master, even did sometimes treat him like his own kid, but the character still hated being in slavery and constantly fantasized about escaping. (and he eventually did do that)
It could depend a lot on the civilization that the story takes place in. The owner guy could have found him in a bad situation and purchased him to get him out of it. Slavery could be such a common practice in world that even a kindhearted noble would be expected to have slaves. Or it could be that the noble bought him specifically to raise him as a son because he didn't have any kids of his own or something like that. Alternatively he bought the kid to raise him as a bodyguard for later and either got attached or the kid started thinking of him as a father figure based on past experiences.

It's definitely a thing to look at, especially since how it was played would change the context of the main character's childhood.
Kinzard the Insane's avatar

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Tenshi Yaminade
Kinzard the Insane
Meet Velonz Valkerion, a Lonely Orphan who was sold as a slave to a noble. The Noble who bought him turned out be kind and under his care Velonz was disciplined, educated and trained as a fighter. Velonz in turn protected his master with his life; the relation between them was unlike that of any other slave and master. Their bond was so great that Velonz was entrusted by with the honor of the last name of "Valkerion" which was, the Noble's last name surname. There was no greater honor than this.

Everything was going well until, due to to internal strife, the other nobles killed the Valkerion Family and framed everything on Velonz. After being Labeled as traitor and a killer,a bounty was placed on Velonz's head. Not sure how to reword this, but it's passive and could be made more interesting.

Velonz spent rest of his days years hiding underground among thieves and killers, known and hailed as a Robin hood figure in the underground world. Um...he's not going to take revenge? Ought he to since the bond with his kind master was so strong? He started a Thief Guild and stole from the rich and gave it to the poor. But of course this wasn't going to end here. fate would not be so kind as to let him be.

In a certain incident, Velonz lost all his memories. His mates from thieving guild the Thieves' Guild tried to help him regain his memories by reminding him of his past. Yet for their help the memories that emerged are were strange and different, alien as if he was were a completely different person all-together. Stay in the same tense. The first part of this was present tense and the second was past. Make up your mind and stick with it.

Originally Prior to the incident, Velonz was calculative person,; He wouldn't start a fight engage in battle if he wasn't sure to win. He would be the first one to run away if things weren't working according to his plan and only thing he had confidence in was his speed. He had such confidence in his speed that if his strategy fell through, he would be the first to make a break for safety. Wasn't he trained to be a fighter? That covers his calculating nature, but he should be strategic and able to improvise as well so that his plans made it through despite the odds. Aside from that, he shouldn't be such a coward if he was willing to put his life on the line to protect his former master.

but after the Incident, his cowardly attitude changed, His heart would start beating fast whenever he saw people fighting. his feet would always drag him to a battlefield. Attracted to Smell of Death just like a Moth attracted to light.

The incident had changed his non-aggressive attitude. In the midst of battle or even for the common bar brawls, his blood would boil, and, heart hammering rapidly, his feet would whisk him into the fray without regard for life or health. Like wood in a roaring fire, the heat of the fight, the smell of death, called to his body while his mind fretted, a coward in the corner, folding in on itself until Velonz realized he was no long who he had been, his memories gone, his person and free will stolen away. Who was he now? Who now controlled the vessel of his mind?

It wasn't Long until Velonz saw, that he died long ago...infront of...himself? in his memories.
then who is it? who is the one who has body of Velonz?


The answer was far more ridiculous than the question.

To be Continued....


Anyway, just a few suggestions. The stuff in red is grammatical corrections. The crossed out stuff is words that shouldn't be there or could be replaced by following red words. The red italicized stuff is...my suggestions. Take it or leave it, but be grateful. Honestly, I spent like five minutes on this! I'm wiped out!


You're the first person I've ever Tipped on Gaia., Lova ya.
Kinzard the Insane's avatar

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Tympest
marshmallowcreampie
I_Write_Ivre
That's a lot of summarization. Why not make an actual story out of all of that? Let's see why someone kind would own a slave. Let's see the internal strife that killed him and why he was defenseless against it. Let's see him in the company of those without empathy and still find a way to retain it.


Agreed. If the guy intends to treat him like his own son, why not like, adopt him? Buying him as a slave forces certain implications that the kid probably wouldn't be comfortable with even if he was treated well. I make it a point because one of my stories has a character that was a slave and did have a kind master, even did sometimes treat him like his own kid, but the character still hated being in slavery and constantly fantasized about escaping. (and he eventually did do that)
It could depend a lot on the civilization that the story takes place in. The owner guy could have found him in a bad situation and purchased him to get him out of it. Slavery could be such a common practice in world that even a kindhearted noble would be expected to have slaves. Or it could be that the noble bought him specifically to raise him as a son because he didn't have any kids of his own or something like that. Alternatively he bought the kid to raise him as a bodyguard for later and either got attached or the kid started thinking of him as a father figure based on past experiences.

It's definitely a thing to look at, especially since how it was played would change the context of the main character's childhood.


The real Deal is not about Velonz but the guy who BECOMES Velonz...well goddamnit that was a spoiler.
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it was a time of Sunset...the light slowly slowly slipping off the pile of corpses, from within the corpses emerges a person. "Where am I?" was the first thing he mumbled to himself. It took him a while to notice his surroundings, he was surrounded by corpses and blood...a normal person would've been surprised and shocked but he wasn't even fazed as if what he had seen is something he saw million times before, as if it was obvious to him.

The man then walked away from corpses, his clothes were ragged and torn, a sign of battle! but he had no wounds. nor any memory of any battle even no memory at all...who was he? he didn't knew, what purposed he had being here? he didn't knew, in fact...he didn't knew anything at all.

he sat down looking as sun went down and moon came to glow...the sky was so bright and clear...the Greenery was spread as far as the eye can see. As night fell, howls of hungry wolves could be heard. But the man didn't move a inch, he was seeing something odd...something in eyes was missing in the scenery. he was searching, looking for it in every direction, but he couldn't find it. What was he searching? even he didn't knew. But it felt odd in his guts the scenery as natural as it looked, he felt something was wrong with it.

Following his gut instinct he made his way below the valley, howls of wolves were getting louder and clearer but still the man didn't pay any attention he kept on walking. Until to a point where his instincts shouted for him to stop. The wolves were here, looking hungry and vicious. They were out for blood. The man was surprised...he was heavily surprised, not because he was surrounded by wolves but what really surprised him was their size...no wait. it's not a matter of size because these wolves...were standing on two legs like men. Their bloodshot eyes gave goosebumps to the man. "W-were-wolves?" he mumbled to himself again. Even he didn't understand what he was saying? what does the word 'Werewolf' even mean? he had no idea.

Those Werewolves took no time to attack as soon as they had him surrounded, one of them leaped towards the man to tear him apart but that only lead to his own death. The man as wasn't as helpless he thought he was...his hand picked up a Pointy stone and stabbed the Werewolves head in a instant as if it was obvious thing to do. He himself was surprised at what just happened what did just happen? he had no idea at all.

Yet another Werewolf behind him leaps at him, only to matched with a Kick to guts. The Kick was so hard the man had dislocated his own leg...the werewolf was hurt considerably bad too his stomach was as if pierced with something sharp, it was torn apart...his stomach. He died soon too.

Other werewolves were scared by the man's prowess. as wild beasts they were they chose to run away. But the Man, on the other hand who wanted to go away couldn't move a inch. His attention now went to the dead werewolves and their rotting flesh. His eyes were filled with sadness and regret. But why? those beasts wanted to kill him, to eat him! yet why? his eyes were filled with Tears. He chewed on raw flesh of those wolves while crying. He devoured them whole, not leaving a single bone.

After eating those wolves, he lied down on the same grounds he fought them at and slept his way through night. As the Sun came out, the man stood and started walking. he kept on walking endlessly for hours until he finally saw a town. he nonchalantly entered the town but the people who saw walking throughout the town started gossiping as soon as they saw him. the man went to the fountain and dipped his head in for a soak. he washed his head and as soon as he turned back, he was surrounded again. This time not by beasts but men. The soldiers had him surrounded and middle of them standing was a authoritarian figure. The man looked more refined and wore high class armor as compared the other soldiers. "Velonz Valkerion, you are hereby under arrest. For committing mass murder, Betrayal and we also have reports that you are in charge of a Thief Guild! Now Obediently give up or we'll have to use force to capture you." said the Authoritarian figure. Although it'd be so much easier so Tear them apart, just like how he did with the Werewolves...but for some reason. he couldn't. nor he had any intention. he smiled, as he said "Fine, arrest me." The Authoritarian figure was shaken, hearing those words...he didn't come thinking this would be this much easy. A mass murderer on loose for so long, a Criminal of that calliber would give up so easy? But regardless of what he thought he cuffed him.

and that's how begins the story....
(I know I suck at writing rolleyes rolleyes but I gave it a try, making this in written story form.)
Kinzard the Insane
it was a time of Sunset...the light slowly slowly slipping off the pile of corpses, from within the corpses emerges a person. "Where am I?" was the first thing he mumbled to himself.


I stopped reading here, as the paragraph breaks turned out to be only decoration.
Kinzard the Insane

You're the first person I've ever Tipped on Gaia., Lova ya.


What can I say? I rock. mrgreen

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