is this a good way to start a story?

[PookieFaceJude]

wilmer67

Neil, a local sports fan/ novel writer, wandered through the deserted streets of Saguache County, Colorado. Since no one was in sight, he put on his head phones and began dancing. He had his camera strapped around him…maybe Neil would spot a famous sports player.
Neil Langston was a bearded, town crier, who had just been told to move out of his apartment. It could wait. Spotting Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods, however, could not.
He stopped in front of a park to take a breath. All of a sudden, the ground began to shake. An odd aircraft appeared. Men, strange men, walked out of it.
Neil, thinking these men were acting for a part in a movie, took a picture.


help?

Mmmm you need more discription on your setting, longer sentences with less usage of Neil's name. More complete thoughts...and dont jump around so much.

[Sebastian Shrikes]

Pretty much what everyone else has said: Don't use slashes, be careful with ellipses, and think about how to show, not tell, your story. I'd recommend reading a few of your favorite books and looking at how different authors use description to pull you into the story. Don't just say that something happened; describe what it looked like and how the character felt.

On a related note, you should almost never introduce your character -- especially when opening a book -- by saying "so-and-so, a ___, walked onto the scene"! You're writing a book, not a screenplay. Try to keep your readers interested by giving away a little bit of personality, backstory, etc as you go along.

[Lady Lagomorph]

I think someone just mentioned these right above me. Apparently my typing is not the fastest today. Still...

The entire portion about Neil putting on headphones and dancing seemed completely unusual to me. He's clearly an adult, if he has things like a full beard and his own apartment, and it seems peculiar that a grown man would put on headphones and dance in the street, even if no one else is walking down it. That seems like something you do in private or maybe joking around with friends.

Another issue I had is the location. I'm not familiar with much of Colorado. Is there a reason he'd be looking for famous sports figures like Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods there? What would famous figures like that be doing out there in the first place? Again, I know nothing about the area and if famous people frequent there for various reasons. If I don't know, however, this means other readers won't, either. So far as I can tell, he's wandering a deserted street looking for famous people who probably aren't even in Colorado.

My final point is you might want to reword the portion of the camera, too. Having his camera, "...strapped around him," sounds to me like he literally has it strapped to his torso or hip, rather than hanging from his neck or shoulder like you're probably intending.

[LoperDoper]

Never use slashes in a story.

Your writing seems halted, and the elipses (...) is out of place. They're generally used to create tension, and the sentence in which it is used doesn't look like it's creating any tension.

Town crier? Wasn't he a "sports fan/novel writer"?

"All of a sudden"
Why doesn't this invoke any reaction in Neil? Think, if the ground started shaking and an odd aircraft appeared, would you think "Oh, a movie set. I am going to take a picture". The phrase of "All of a sudden" is used to make somebody actively react, mostly in surprise.

If the streets are deserted, why would a famous sports player be there? Why would a film crew be there? The town in which I live in has the highest population of any inland town in my county, and the most famous person we've ever had in the past ten years was a news presenter who presents between the hours of midnight and 3am. So why would a resident of a deserted town expect famous sports players and movie crews?

Why does he begin dancing? The first sentence is presenting Neil as a serious, or at least a quite... can't think of a word right now, I guess he's presented as a quite "proper" man. So why are you completely conflicting this presented character with something very strange? The majority of people won't randomly begin dancing in public, even if nobody is around.

I'm going to assume that the story is something to do with aliens or a foriegn race coming to Earth. In which case this would not be a good way to start a story.
How many stories have you read, even short ones, that brings out the aliens landing in the first paragraph? You need to build it up, maybe introduce Neil a bit more. A reader needs a better sense of the MC and setting. You mention he'd just been told to move out of his apartment? Well maybe start with him picking up the morning's post, reading the eviction notice issued by his landlord, then looking out of the window and thinking of what he might do that day.

And as the other posters of the thread said, you need to tell less and show more.

Hope this helps!

[Mishteh]

I agree with Naimh the Fae, "an odd airship appeared" could be much more elaborated.
Like: Neil found himself looking to the sky, where he saw the most magnificent (or whatever) sight of a strange, large metal... aircraft. (Describe said aricraft, how he's feeling about it, and how the men appear.)

Explain everything to the T, then you can later take out the unnecessary. On your first time through, try not to leave out a hint of detail.

[Prolly Naut]

I feel like I can't connect with Neil. Maybe pay attention to little details and mannerisms a bit more? When you see an aging man with a grave expression on his face and a limp in his step no one has to outright say “This is Old man John and he’s sad looking.” From observing this man yourself you can automatically tell that he’s sad. The fact that he has a limp manages to emphasize his sorrow metaphorically.

[Intersexed]

You could always start with a flashback. Lulsy.

[013X]

Great start, but not the best, to be honest. It is most important to feel and think what your character is experiencing. Place yourself in his situation. Also, details are important for settings and making the reader feel that they are there. Hope this helps!

[Cogent Dream]

Forgot to mention, you said he's journalist and then you say he's a town crier?

[MannyDaTaco67]

Niamh the Fae

You know how people are always saying "show, don't tell"? That's what this section made me think of. Readers will pretty quickly figure out that he's a sports fan from the bit about why he has a camera with him. Have him go home to work on his novel after this and then they'll know he's a writer - they don't need to know that right away, since they're probably more interested in the aliens. They way you have it now doesn't make the reader do any thinking. If you do want people to know about him right now, have him worrying about his job or his living situation. You probably don't need to mention sports

As to the aliens - what do they look like? Readers will probably be more interested if they have silver skin or hundreds of legs or smell like mustard rather than just being "strange". What is Niel seeing, smelling, feeling, etc as the ship lands? Does alien rocket fuel smell like fuel, or something completely different? Does the space ship make a gust if wind when it lands? For that matter, is it landing or coming up out of the ground or materializing seemingly out of thin air? "An odd spacecraft appeared" and "strange men" don't give enough information for the reader to really visualize what's happening.

good point. i first made this a movie on cell phone. i am now making a book of it...i think im lost in the story xD

[Niamh the Fae]

You know how people are always saying "show, don't tell"? That's what this section made me think of. Readers will pretty quickly figure out that he's a sports fan from the bit about why he has a camera with him. Have him go home to work on his novel after this and then they'll know he's a writer - they don't need to know that right away, since they're probably more interested in the aliens. They way you have it now doesn't make the reader do any thinking. If you do want people to know about him right now, have him worrying about his job or his living situation. You probably don't need to mention sports

As to the aliens - what do they look like? Readers will probably be more interested if they have silver skin or hundreds of legs or smell like mustard rather than just being "strange". What is Niel seeing, smelling, feeling, etc as the ship lands? Does alien rocket fuel smell like fuel, or something completely different? Does the space ship make a gust if wind when it lands? For that matter, is it landing or coming up out of the ground or materializing seemingly out of thin air? "An odd spacecraft appeared" and "strange men" don't give enough information for the reader to really visualize what's happening.

[Miz Lina]

It feels like this is a weird mix of actual fiction writing and the way you would describe a scene out loud to a friend in a public place.

"Neil's a sports fan slash novel writer" is something you would say out loud, but for the love of the pen, never put a sentence like that in the actual story.

As an outline draft, this is fine, but to open the actual story, it's far too choppy and bland. Your introduction to the aircraft and passengers, which should be an exciting and dynamic paragraph, really just sounds like you're trying to tell us what happened so you don't have to write it as a story.

[Cogent Dream]

Don't use slashes in a story they represent an inability to properly explain through words.

Also, your narrative is too factual, it reads like a list of events rather than a story. Try showing rather than telling. This is basically what Radio Mouse said.

[RADI0 Mouse]

Slashes (/) aren't really used in stories - unless your narrative style is like that.

I'd say it's not the best - try to let us hear Neil, rather than just describe what he's doing.

Instead of "maybe Neil would spot a famous sports player", try writing out exactly what Neil is thinking. Same with when the aliens appear.

Also, build that last bit up - and odd aircraft appearing shouldn't take a four-word sentence. Compare that bit - the real declencheur - to the amount of space you take up describing how Neil puts on headphones and dances (something a lot more mundane than a spaceship appearing).

Keep reading - you'll figure out as you compare your writing to your favourite author's writing where you need to improve and build up the right tension.


Also, in regards to your sig... Not every woman's fantasy. Just the stupid like stupidity in return. If you really wanna get the real women, grow a set of balls and brains - we like boys who make us think.

[MannyDaTaco67]

Neil, a local sports fan/ novel writer, wandered through the deserted streets of Saguache County, Colorado. Since no one was in sight, he put on his head phones and began dancing. He had his camera strapped around him…maybe Neil would spot a famous sports player.
Neil Langston was a bearded, town crier, who had just been told to move out of his apartment. It could wait. Spotting Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods, however, could not.
He stopped in front of a park to take a breath. All of a sudden, the ground began to shake. An odd aircraft appeared. Men, strange men, walked out of it.
Neil, thinking these men were acting for a part in a movie, took a picture.


help?