I need ideas.

[Lil Caillou]

I need ideas for a story i am writing, mostly names and descriptions for characters, whoever the names/descriptions come from will get credit for it, a chance to write a portion of the book, and a thank you message.

v |the story's beginning is below.| v

I woke up in the hospital but I felt perfectly fine, I got up, Opened the door, And there were two guards with propulsion tanks on their backs, armor protecting their chest, face, and most other parts of their body, one guard said, "I'll check on the patient." he walked over, lifted up his helmet, and he had a human face, he winked at me, and told me, "their weaknesses are in their tanks." I grabbed a scalpel, and jammed it in the other guard's propulsion tank, his tank sputtered orange slime and air then the force it created made him slam into the wall, and that started a new story, my name is kikko, and I created the EFU.

[KittyTengu]

Alright, so I'm assuming the point of view character is female? From the name "Kikko" (Correct me if I'm wrong). So, do you have any type of background for what's going on here? Why is the character in the hospital? Did she just grab a scalpel and stab the tank out of fear, impulsiveness, or any other reason? Because she didn't trust the guards? (This could give her personality traits).

[Lil Caillou]

KittyTengu

Alright, so I'm assuming the point of view character is female? From the name "Kikko" (Correct me if I'm wrong). So, do you have any type of background for what's going on here? Why is the character in the hospital? Did she just grab a scalpel and stab the tank out of fear, impulsiveness, or any other reason? Because she didn't trust the guards? (This could give her personality traits).

here is the whole story v



a girl got a little nosey with the nearby squadleaders hq, so she took a look at what was happening inside, but someone, or something saw her, and charged at her, pulling out its hammer, and flashing it's shield, she ran for her life, her heart pounding as fast as that of a hummingbird's when she thought, why am I running, im a ninja! she stopped running, turned around and saw the guard had called a few buddies, a few hundred, that is. one by one they fell, until she came across one with long, huge arms and a giant sledgehammer, while she fought that more of them rushed to the scene and after a while she knew she couldnt kill them all. she finally started running, but the guards were closing in on her, she tried to fight her way out, but there was no escape, finally she jumped out, but was smashed by a sledgehammer before she could get away, she was dragged away. After that her whereabouts were unknown, until today.
she woke up in the hospital but she felt perfectly fine, she got up, Opened the door, And there were two guards with propulsion tanks on their backs, armor protecting their chest, face, and most other parts of their body, one guard said, "I'll check on the patient." he walked over, lifted up his helmet, and he had a human face, he winked at her, and told her, "their weaknesses are in their tanks." she grabbed a scalpel, and jammed it in the other guard's propulsion tank, his tank sputtered orange slime and air then the force it created made him slam into the wall, and that started a new story, her name is kikko, and she created the EFU.

[KittyTengu]

Ah, so this girl is a ninja? So, she just instinctively stabbed the other guard. But then she was running at the beginning because she lost her head in a moment of fear? That could be a personality trait of hers.

But then, are you asking for help designing this character?

[Bon Troyage]

inuyasha15677

KittyTengu

Alright, so I'm assuming the point of view character is female? From the name "Kikko" (Correct me if I'm wrong). So, do you have any type of background for what's going on here? Why is the character in the hospital? Did she just grab a scalpel and stab the tank out of fear, impulsiveness, or any other reason? Because she didn't trust the guards? (This could give her personality traits).

here is the whole story v



a girl got a little nosey with the nearby squadleaders hq, so she took a look at what was happening inside, but someone, or something saw her, and charged at her, pulling out its hammer, and flashing it's shield, she ran for her life, her heart pounding as fast as that of a hummingbird's when she thought, why am I running, im a ninja! she stopped running, turned around and saw the guard had called a few buddies, a few hundred, that is. one by one they fell, until she came across one with long, huge arms and a giant sledgehammer, while she fought that more of them rushed to the scene and after a while she knew she couldnt kill them all. she finally started running, but the guards were closing in on her, she tried to fight her way out, but there was no escape, finally she jumped out, but was smashed by a sledgehammer before she could get away, she was dragged away. After that her whereabouts were unknown, until today.
she woke up in the hospital but she felt perfectly fine, she got up, Opened the door, And there were two guards with propulsion tanks on their backs, armor protecting their chest, face, and most other parts of their body, one guard said, "I'll check on the patient." he walked over, lifted up his helmet, and he had a human face, he winked at her, and told her, "their weaknesses are in their tanks." she grabbed a scalpel, and jammed it in the other guard's propulsion tank, his tank sputtered orange slime and air then the force it created made him slam into the wall, and that started a new story, her name is kikko, and she created the EFU.

Is this the description of your story, or the actual writing?

[Lil Caillou]

Diamond Cache

inuyasha15677

KittyTengu

Alright, so I'm assuming the point of view character is female? From the name "Kikko" (Correct me if I'm wrong). So, do you have any type of background for what's going on here? Why is the character in the hospital? Did she just grab a scalpel and stab the tank out of fear, impulsiveness, or any other reason? Because she didn't trust the guards? (This could give her personality traits).

here is the whole story v



a girl got a little nosey with the nearby squadleaders hq, so she took a look at what was happening inside, but someone, or something saw her, and charged at her, pulling out its hammer, and flashing it's shield, she ran for her life, her heart pounding as fast as that of a hummingbird's when she thought, why am I running, im a ninja! she stopped running, turned around and saw the guard had called a few buddies, a few hundred, that is. one by one they fell, until she came across one with long, huge arms and a giant sledgehammer, while she fought that more of them rushed to the scene and after a while she knew she couldnt kill them all. she finally started running, but the guards were closing in on her, she tried to fight her way out, but there was no escape, finally she jumped out, but was smashed by a sledgehammer before she could get away, she was dragged away. After that her whereabouts were unknown, until today.
she woke up in the hospital but she felt perfectly fine, she got up, Opened the door, And there were two guards with propulsion tanks on their backs, armor protecting their chest, face, and most other parts of their body, one guard said, "I'll check on the patient." he walked over, lifted up his helmet, and he had a human face, he winked at her, and told her, "their weaknesses are in their tanks." she grabbed a scalpel, and jammed it in the other guard's propulsion tank, his tank sputtered orange slime and air then the force it created made him slam into the wall, and that started a new story, her name is kikko, and she created the EFU.

Is this the description of your story, or the actual writing?

its the beginning of the book, telling how she got where she is now, i need ideas for her personality, traits, even maybe art, but ill take other character ideas, too. but yes, this is a description of her memory, and what happened before the beginning of the actual story.

[Bon Troyage]

inuyasha15677

No offense, but it's a bit messy. You've done all showing, no telling so far. And she's a ninja killing seemingly random people with giant hammers after she simply walked into a building... Why was she nosy? Why didn't they want her in there? Why does the guard help her? What is the EFU and why is this relevant to anything that just happened? And why does a society exist where ninjas apparently co-exist with men in new-age propulsion tanks? You'll need to explain a lot more.

[Lil Caillou]

Diamond Cache

inuyasha15677

No offense, but it's a bit messy. You've done all showing, no telling so far. And she's a ninja killing seemingly random people with giant hammers after she simply walked into a building... Why was she nosy? Why didn't they want her in there? Why does the guard help her? What is the EFU and why is this relevant to anything that just happened? And why does a society exist where ninjas apparently co-exist with men in new-age propulsion tanks? You'll need to explain a lot more.

if you've ever played beyond good and evil, the guards look like the alpha sections, and as for the building, its the hospital, the hospital has minds under control, making them do things to the patients that haven't been found out yet. kikko's hair is like yuffie's in kingdom hearts, she is from a village across the forest. the EFU(Ever Fighting Union) is the only group of people that know what is happening in the hospital.the guard is a human(unlike the others) who asisted kikko during her time in the hospital. his tank is green glass with oxygen and that orange goo (the oxygen turned the goo clear)when kikko entered the hospital, she saw things no human was supposed to see.






Are you a teacher, because you are helping alot, and thanks. emotion_dowant

[Bon Troyage]

inuyasha15677

Diamond Cache

inuyasha15677

No offense, but it's a bit messy. You've done all showing, no telling so far. And she's a ninja killing seemingly random people with giant hammers after she simply walked into a building... Why was she nosy? Why didn't they want her in there? Why does the guard help her? What is the EFU and why is this relevant to anything that just happened? And why does a society exist where ninjas apparently co-exist with men in new-age propulsion tanks? You'll need to explain a lot more.

if you've ever played beyond good and evil, the guards look like the alpha sections, and as for the building, its the hospital, the hospital has minds under control, making them do things to the patients that haven't been found out yet. kikko's hair is like yuffie's in kingdom hearts, she is from a village across the forest. the EFU(Ever Fighting Union) is the only group of people that know what is happening in the hospital.the guard is a human(unlike the others) who asisted kikko during her time in the hospital. his tank is green glass with oxygen and that orange goo (the oxygen turned the goo clear)when kikko entered the hospital, she saw things no human was supposed to see.






Are you a teacher, because you are helping alot, and thanks. emotion_dowant

You'll need to incorporate that a bit into the first chapter. It' fine to have things that remain a secret until a certain point, but when you have too many you simply just don't know whats going on.

[Llaw]

the story is choppy... the events don't seam to flow together.

My advice is take whats being said here and start all over again. Use description show us more about whats going on over all. Don't make your character so strong and deadly, it makes the story boring if your hero can take on 100 guys and be just fine. That aside my understanding o ninja's is that they are stealthy warriors meaning they use their brain and strike from the shadows. If one had that many on her she would probably be running because she couldn't take them all out using her force of arms alone. It would be to escape, or perhaps a trap that she had worked out earlier.

But the sound of things is that she is trying to escape.

Think things through and take your time to develop things, don't try to cram it all in on one page or so.

[Tenshi Yaminade]

Not to be mean, but I hate that you used commas in place of periods in your story.

Also, it doesn't make much sense even with added detail.

A scalpel cannot penetrate a metal tank. No matter the force behind it, it's bound to break before the tank splits open since the tank would be thicker and made stronger than a scalpel meant just to cut flesh. Even if it managed to split the side of the tank open, it would be a small slit. Not enough to propel a whole body against the wall (I suppose it might work if the contents were under very high pressure, but that would mean the tank would have been made stronger than what a scalpel can penetrate). Aside from that, why is she attacking the other guard anyway? Why doesn't she try to attack the guy that walks up to her first? She doesn't know he's human until he removes the mask. Added to that, the other guard if he were that close to the two would have overheard the first guard speak to the girl (and probably would have seen the door open before the first guard went to check on the patient.

There are so many weird things wrong with your story that it's annoying to read, but that's okay because any story with some kind of attack or bloodshed to start it off is interesting enough as it puts the action right in the reader's face. All you have to do is more or less figure out the details and word it as best you can to elicit suspense from your audience rather than outright confusion.

ATM, your story reads like a run-on sentence...because it is a run-on sentence. Well, she woke up and then the guard, and then she, and then she, and then the other guard's tank, and then the guard, and then she, and then she. Get what I'm saying?

[Lil Caillou]

Tenshi Yaminade

Not to be mean, but I hate that you used commas in place of periods in your story.

Also, it doesn't make much sense even with added detail.

A scalpel cannot penetrate a metal tank. No matter the force behind it, it's bound to break before the tank splits open since the tank would be thicker and made stronger than a scalpel meant just to cut flesh. Even if it managed to split the side of the tank open, it would be a small slit. Not enough to propel a whole body against the wall (I suppose it might work if the contents were under very high pressure, but that would mean the tank would have been made stronger than what a scalpel can penetrate). Aside from that, why is she attacking the other guard anyway? Why doesn't she try to attack the guy that walks up to her first? She doesn't know he's human until he removes the mask. Added to that, the other guard if he were that close to the two would have overheard the first guard speak to the girl (and probably would have seen the door open before the first guard went to check on the patient.

There are so many weird things wrong with your story that it's annoying to read, but that's okay because any story with some kind of attack or bloodshed to start it off is interesting enough as it puts the action right in the reader's face. All you have to do is more or less figure out the details and word it as best you can to elicit suspense from your audience rather than outright confusion.

ATM, your story reads like a run-on sentence...because it is a run-on sentence. Well, she woke up and then the guard, and then she, and then she, and then the other guard's tank, and then the guard, and then she, and then she. Get what I'm saying?

the tank's content has a tube sucking up stuff, and a tube that puts stuff into it when stuff comes out, so, since it's got a hole in it, more and more sputters out, and the slit gets bigger and bigger

[Tenshi Yaminade]

inuyasha15677

the tank's content has a tube sucking up stuff, and a tube that puts stuff into it when stuff comes out, so, since it's got a hole in it, more and more sputters out, and the slit gets bigger and bigger

I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Unless again it is under impossibly high pressure (for example, under the very high pressure of the deep dark sea which cannot replicated by a tank someone carries on their back above sea level) the liquid in it is simply going to pour out in a jet stream from a small slit and can't make it bigger simply by flowing through it. There has to be some kind of solid pressure to make the hole bigger and it's going back to the point that a scalpel of steel isn't really suited to stab through a thicker, stronger metal (which I assume it would be stronger since it's carrying something that keeps the being alive and should not be easily destructible).

Look, I'm just trying to help. Don't get upset or anything. It's just best in those sorts of situations to stick 1. to the rules you set for your world or 2. the default physics rules set for reality.