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C4LUMN's avatar

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Well I'm partaking in a 30 Day Writing Challenge, which includes the one word prompt and the slightly vague titles. I want opinions on my work, as it has been a very long time since I have actually wrote anything and I'm sure I've made many mistakes and used words out of context, and all that good stuff. So opinions are appreciated.


Direct link: HERE

X_v43rw1N_X's avatar

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'twas a dark passage. but i enjoyed it.
Cyren_Wolf's avatar

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it was deep and dark
Didn't read, but I hate it.

The reason why is because if it sucks then I'll hate it and if its good, I'll be jealous and hate it even more.
Marshmlow1's avatar

Intellectual Lunatic

Yes Sequitur
Didn't read, but I hate it.

The reason why is because if it sucks then I'll hate it and if its good, I'll be jealous and hate it even more.


At least your being honest lol
Splogaton's avatar

Hallowed Lunatic

I don't like "very mightily". There are plenty words out there so we don't have to add "very" before an adjective.
But that's just me being pedantic.
WhorribIe's avatar

Friendly Friend

Yes Sequitur
Didn't read, but I hate it.

The reason why is because if it sucks then I'll hate it and if its good, I'll be jealous and hate it even more.


Didn't Ernest Hemingway say this in "Midnight in Paris"?
Not criticizing, just wondering if you saw that movie also.
so Iame
Yes Sequitur
Didn't read, but I hate it.

The reason why is because if it sucks then I'll hate it and if its good, I'll be jealous and hate it even more.


Didn't Ernest Hemingway say this in "Midnight in Paris"?
Not criticizing, just wondering if you saw that movie also.


No, I just view writing as a competition rather than an artistic collaboration between writers.
It was good! Have you ever read Oliver Twist? The beginning of your poem and that story are pretty similar surprised
ozimyy's avatar

Inquisitive Shapeshifter

Well that was...dark. And pretty decent, really.
I only have one question, which may be stupid, as my reading comprehension suffers the most after my first coffee: why does the baby die, exactly?
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i enjoyed it. i think that it has a lot of potential- especially if you sit on it for a few days and attack it again (unless you're like my brother, who doesn't revisit anything once he's put it out to the general public emotion_donotwant ). there were maybe a few words that i snagged on.

in my mind's eye, i occasionally saw the soft and warm infant. "lovable creature" didn't align with that vision. "creature" evokes for me more the connotations "alien" and "monster". i'm surprised that you chose "delicate" over "fragile"... but then, that "delicate" evokes lace and "fragile" evokes "about to break" is probably a personal/subjective assumed relationship. so not a big deal, imo.

i liked "Coaxing it to relinquish"- that, despite the contrary "breath will be stolen". i wish there was more of the theme "death convincing the baby to die"- even as it struggles to live and unite with its mother. i think that there's strong imagery to be had, there.

note: "by the minute", double "to" before "relinquish", "struggle to hold onto", and "reaper's grip". those were the only blatant errors that i saw. i gave the punctuation a wide berth, since short pieces and poetry tend to interpret their use liberally.

you may want to rethink the placement of the large number of "struggle"s (three in five paragraphs). there could be a pattern in its use, but i don't think that any pattern exists now (or was intentioned when you wrote this).

you may also want to reconsider the number of "very"s and "almost"s, etc. i think someone else has mentioned this... and i have to agree. some of these (and other) words are superfluous.
"Very mightily" seems redundant. Also incorrect. The breathing of infants is not anything that would reasonably be described as 'mighty'.

The rosy hues present on the infant's face would probably be gone before it actually died (unless it had a fever and/or TB but I don't think that's what you're going for).

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