help

[Winter_tears]

this is the first line to my story and i don't like it. I want to change it but my brain as stopped working
please help

In the dark of the night a woman sat on a tree branch, with her head tilted up to the heavens as the rain gently touched her soft skin. Her eyes were closed, as she tried to get her breathing back to normal.


Thanks

[Felinix]

I like it, you've been working on spelling and grammar I see.

How have you been? Is this part of the story you were working on before?

[laFred]

I think it's really nice. I think that it would be even better if you made it really descriptive. Picture it in your head and just write out everything you see and then make it your beginning paragraph maybe? sweatdrop I think that's really good though.

[Winter_tears]

I've been fine you.

No, this is apart of a short story i wrote a year age. Its finished, i just changing some of the wording. Its called Weakened Blood at the moment.

[Felinix]

Winter_tears

I've been fine you.

No, this is apart of a short story i wrote a year age. Its finished, i just changing some of the wording. Its called Weakened Blood at the moment.

I've been great, I only have five more chapters to write for the story I sent you! I haven't heard from you in a while. What's going on?

[Llaw]

The darkness of night filled the sky as cool drops of rain cut through the darkened sky, the light of the moon reflecting off the smooth surface of the rain as they fell on her face tilted up towards the sky here eyes clamped closed as her chest moved up and down rapidly. She tried to make herself relax and bring her breathing back down to normal, , as the cold drops fell splashing there cool liquid on her skin.

...

I duno does that help

[Winter_tears]

Felinix

Winter_tears

I've been fine you.

No, this is apart of a short story i wrote a year age. Its finished, i just changing some of the wording. Its called Weakened Blood at the moment.

I've been great, I only have five more chapters to write for the story I sent you! I haven't heard from you in a while. What's going on?

Yeah i know i've been busy, sorry. I've been looking for a second job, but i have read your more of you story its good.

[Winter_tears]

Llaw

The darkness of night filled the sky as cool drops of rain cut through the darkened sky, the light of the moon reflecting off the smooth surface of the rain as they fell on her face tilted up towards the sky here eyes clamped closed as her chest moved up and down rapidly. She tried to make herself relax and bring her breathing back down to normal, , as the cold drops fell splashing there cool liquid on her skin.

...

I duno does that help

Thats is good real, and you just can help with that. Yeah it does help, gives me some ideas thanks biggrin .

[Llaw]

Winter_tears

Llaw

The darkness of night filled the sky as cool drops of rain cut through the darkened sky, the light of the moon reflecting off the smooth surface of the rain as they fell on her face tilted up towards the sky here eyes clamped closed as her chest moved up and down rapidly. She tried to make herself relax and bring her breathing back down to normal, , as the cold drops fell splashing there cool liquid on her skin.

...

I duno does that help

Thats is good real, and you just can help with that. Yeah it does help, gives me some ideas thanks biggrin .

anytime biggrin

[Raincrow]

It makes me think of far too many "Fantasy RPs" I've seen, where the main character is introduced sitting in a tree. Have you ever thought about how hard it would be to sit comfortably in a tree? Not many trees grow just right so that one can not only climb up out of harm's way, but be comfortable as well as safe.

[Winter_tears]

Raincrow

It makes me think of far too many "Fantasy RPs" I've seen, where the main character is introduced sitting in a tree. Have you ever thought about how hard it would be to sit comfortably in a tree? Not many trees grow just right so that one can not only climb up out of harm's way, but be comfortable as well as safe.

Well i got i idea form my friend, and he fell asleep in a tree and he looked very comfortable. He sits in the tree to think, so i don't think its that bad. I used to have a tree that was very comfortable to sit until it was cut down.

And a another thing she but up there to be comfortable, she waiting for her old love to kill him.

[Allychik6]

I like it...but it's the second sentance that makes me want to keep reading.

[clarion]

You have a sentence. There is no way you can start trying to revise yet! gonk If you do, you'll never finish the story. Just get some words down and move on. You can go back and change things and refine later. whee

[Queeny]

Winter_tears

this is the first line to my story and i don't like it. I want to change it but my brain as stopped working
please help

In the dark of the night a woman sat on a tree branch, with her head tilted up to the heavens as the rain gently touched her soft skin. Her eyes were closed, as she tried to get her breathing back to normal.


Thanks

I think you don't like it because is sounds so 'old hat' Start off with something that is interesting to the reader. Consider my version as nothing more than a suggestion...

'A young woman rested in a tree trying to clam her breathing. She shut her eyes so the heavy raindrops could continued to run down her face.'

Don't be to flowery with your language now, I mean, it's just a few sentences leave the poetic description to for the middle.

[Winter_tears]

clarion

You have a sentence. There is no way you can start trying to revise yet! gonk If you do, you'll never finish the story. Just get some words down and move on. You can go back and change things and refine later. whee

no i am done and thats what i am doing is revising it.