Welcome to Gaia! ::

Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

4,850 Points
  • Conversationalist 100
  • Popular Thread 100
  • Forum Sophomore 300
The Spellslinger
Black_DarknezZ
The Spellslinger
You were the light in my world of darkness
As somebody else already said, that line must go.

You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
Also cliche, and slightly over-done/dramatic (in my eyes, at least.) What is the context? Did she save you from an heroine addiction? If it was something serious like that, then it works, but you might consider a little revision.

You are an orchid in a field of decay
I like this line, except that the orchid probably has a 0/0 percent chance of surviving.

You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Not bad, could be better. Slightly emo.

Cared for me when I could not be cared for
I like the removal of "thought," giving it a more certain feel.

Made me feel special when I'm just a simple man
:,| I love that song.
Anywho, that's also a fairly decent line.

This whole thing does sound a little one-sided though, dependent even. Maybe that's what you were going for? I think the compliments and what she means to you need to sound more sincere, but less sad-romance-novel-esque. Less beating yourself down.

Thanks for that xD Well uhmm..I thought I might get rid of this peom all together and start something else ?

That might be best, I didn't really care much for this one. Try going for a more "mature" feel next time, and analyze some poems by well-known authors to see how they do it.

Im going to write something memorable with alot of inside jokes between us and stuff like that, should I ?
The Spellslinger's avatar

Dangerous Regular

Black_DarknezZ
The Spellslinger
Black_DarknezZ
The Spellslinger
You were the light in my world of darkness
As somebody else already said, that line must go.

You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
Also cliche, and slightly over-done/dramatic (in my eyes, at least.) What is the context? Did she save you from an heroine addiction? If it was something serious like that, then it works, but you might consider a little revision.

You are an orchid in a field of decay
I like this line, except that the orchid probably has a 0/0 percent chance of surviving.

You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Not bad, could be better. Slightly emo.

Cared for me when I could not be cared for
I like the removal of "thought," giving it a more certain feel.

Made me feel special when I'm just a simple man
:,| I love that song.
Anywho, that's also a fairly decent line.

This whole thing does sound a little one-sided though, dependent even. Maybe that's what you were going for? I think the compliments and what she means to you need to sound more sincere, but less sad-romance-novel-esque. Less beating yourself down.

Thanks for that xD Well uhmm..I thought I might get rid of this peom all together and start something else ?

That might be best, I didn't really care much for this one. Try going for a more "mature" feel next time, and analyze some poems by well-known authors to see how they do it.

Im going to write something memorable with alot of inside jokes between us and stuff like that, should I ?

Well, define "memorable." If you want it to be something "cute," go for it, it's probably much more suited to your current style, especially if you have a lot of good inside jokes. Yeah, that's probably a good idea, I'd say go for it.
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

4,850 Points
  • Conversationalist 100
  • Popular Thread 100
  • Forum Sophomore 300
The Spellslinger
Black_DarknezZ
The Spellslinger
Black_DarknezZ
The Spellslinger
You were the light in my world of darkness
As somebody else already said, that line must go.

You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
Also cliche, and slightly over-done/dramatic (in my eyes, at least.) What is the context? Did she save you from an heroine addiction? If it was something serious like that, then it works, but you might consider a little revision.

You are an orchid in a field of decay
I like this line, except that the orchid probably has a 0/0 percent chance of surviving.

You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Not bad, could be better. Slightly emo.

Cared for me when I could not be cared for
I like the removal of "thought," giving it a more certain feel.

Made me feel special when I'm just a simple man
:,| I love that song.
Anywho, that's also a fairly decent line.

This whole thing does sound a little one-sided though, dependent even. Maybe that's what you were going for? I think the compliments and what she means to you need to sound more sincere, but less sad-romance-novel-esque. Less beating yourself down.

Thanks for that xD Well uhmm..I thought I might get rid of this peom all together and start something else ?

That might be best, I didn't really care much for this one. Try going for a more "mature" feel next time, and analyze some poems by well-known authors to see how they do it.

Im going to write something memorable with alot of inside jokes between us and stuff like that, should I ?

Well, define "memorable." If you want it to be something "cute," go for it, it's probably much more suited to your current style, especially if you have a lot of good inside jokes. Yeah, that's probably a good idea, I'd say go for it.

I want something she'll remember not just another cliche poem, Something different.
Miz Lina's avatar

7,750 Points
  • Money Never Sleeps 200
  • Generous 100
  • Tycoon 200
The Spellslinger
Miz Lina
If you're a girl, you may spend months or years putting together your one perfect outfit-

+_+ I'm a guy, and my outfits are usually collages of pieces acquired over the course of years.
/resenting the implications that only girls do stuff like that.


Fair enough! I retract my original statement regarding the sex of the outfit-creator and substitute a gender-neutral equivalent.
The Spellslinger's avatar

Dangerous Regular

Miz Lina
The Spellslinger
Miz Lina
If you're a girl, you may spend months or years putting together your one perfect outfit-

+_+ I'm a guy, and my outfits are usually collages of pieces acquired over the course of years.
/resenting the implications that only girls do stuff like that.


Fair enough! I retract my original statement regarding the sex of the outfit-creator and substitute a gender-neutral equivalent.

The world is at balance again, yipee.
bunneh_bunneh x3 's avatar

4,800 Points
  • Junior Trader 100
  • Happy Birthday! 100
  • Friendly 100
Xx_Ladies_Prince_xX
Black_DarknezZ
Im not much of a poet but I've been writing recently and have wrote this for my girl friend


You were the light in my world of darkness
You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
You are an orchid in a field of decay
You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Cared for me when I could not be cared for
made me feel special when I'm just a simple man

but now im a bit stuck >w< help ?
Wait..ur not rhyming?

i dosent matter if hes not ryming peaple have poems like that

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games