Black_DarknezZ
That was a bit overwhelming too be honest
neutral but I guess you're right, would you help me with this ?
To be honest, I don't normally critique poetry, but I'll help where I can.
I'll try and explain my last point farther:
Think of a poem as a piece of jewelry. Okay? A bracelet. Now, you can give your girlfriend something like
this, which is nice, but it's identical to every other bracelet that every girl has gotten from her boyfriend. It's pretty, but it has no personality and doesn't stand out. It says "love" but it doesn't exactly scream "I spent hours picking out the one thing I knew you would love because you're special to me!" Right?
Or, you could get your girlfriend something like
this one. Every single bead in that bracelet was picked out individually. Every single bead is something that she would love just on it's own. They've each been handpicked and then put together in the order that looks the best. If you were buying your girlfriend a bracelet, and you wanted it to be special and not generic, that's the bracelet you would buy, right? It's unique to her, and unique to the way you feel about her.
But you're not buying a bracelet, you're writing a poem. Your goal is still the same. Make sure that each small piece of the poem is there because it's special, not because it fits. And especially not because "it's what you'd expect to see." On a bracelet, you expect to see the word "love" in gold cursive. In a poem, you'd expect to see "You make me feel whole". Both are equally common, bland, and boring. Avoid that.
Look at it this way: Break that line into words. "You make me feel whole" is a collection of "you", "make", "me", "feel", and "whole". While "feel" is a special word, none of the rest of them are. So why are they there? When you say it all together, the line doesn't have staying power, because it's a) common, and b) bland. Instead, you could use something like, "You're the only one that can decipher my code" (if you guys are cryptbusters) or "You're the last ingredient to my cake" if you both like to bake. Both of these are HORRIBLE examples, cheesy and very lame, but you know what, they're also personalized and unique, and your girlfriend will remember them because they're specifically tailored to her and your relationship together.
PLEASE tell me that made a little bit of sense? I'm not trying to scare you off here, I promise. Just very awkwardly trying to explain a concept that seems simple in my head but isn't translating well into the keyboard tonight.
TL;DR:
Step 1: Personalize the poem to her and the love that you share so that it feels special and not like every other love poem.
Step 2: Use your words carefully; avoid over-used, chunky phrases.