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Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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Im not much of a poet but I've been writing recently and have wrote this for my girl friend


You were the light in my world of darkness
You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
You are an orchid in a field of decay
You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Cared for me when I could not be cared for
made me feel special when I'm just a simple man

but now im a bit stuck >w< help ?
You did as much as any woman can?
Black_DarknezZ
Im not much of a poet but I've been writing recently and have wrote this for my girl friend


You were the light in my world of darkness
You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
You are an orchid in a field of decay
You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Cared for me when I could not be cared for
made me feel special when I'm just a simple man

but now im a bit stuck >w< help ?
Wait..ur not rhyming?
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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Xx_Ladies_Prince_xX
You did as much as any woman can?

How about you did more than any woman ever could ?
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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Xx_Ladies_Prince_xX
Black_DarknezZ
Im not much of a poet but I've been writing recently and have wrote this for my girl friend


You were the light in my world of darkness
You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
You are an orchid in a field of decay
You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Cared for me when I could not be cared for
made me feel special when I'm just a simple man

but now im a bit stuck >w< help ?
Wait..ur not rhyming?

Naaa not really
Miz Lina's avatar

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If you're looking for critque on what you've already got, I can tell you a couple things:

-First line is horribly cliche. It's been overused to the point where the line itself is absolutely meaningless. You might as well follow it up with "you make me happyyyy, when skies are greyyyyy".

- Your first four lines start with the same word, first two have the same second word. Switching it up in the last two lines sets a precedent for the rest of the poem to follow. Your next stanza should have as much emphasis on the beginnings of your lines as this one does, and follow a relatable, if not similar, pattern.

-"Orchid in a field of decay", while maybe not the most original line I've seen, is the best one in this poem. It's a strong visual when the rest of your lines are very, very abstract. Try and balance your abstract (loved, cared, world of darkness, special, simple) with concrete (orchid in a field of decay), otherwise the reader gets bogged down in things they can't picture.

-Writing from the heart is excellent advice given to beginning poets. Even better advice, however, is choosing each word meticulously, making sure that every single letter in your poem carries it's own weight; every single word should move the poem forward. Don't use an entire line; use individual words and piece them together. "You loved me when I thought I could not be loved" is a LINE, not a collection of words strung together for a handtailored purpose.

Think of a poem as an outfit. Do you buy the entire thing at once, from the same store, same brand, as one unit? No. You buy a pair of pants here, a shirt there, some socks you already have. If you're a girl, you may spend months or years putting together your one perfect outfit- and in the end, every single piece in that outfit has been handpicked from various sources at various times because not only does it fit the whole image, it fits the wearer as well. You're the wearer. The poem is the outfit. The words are your pieces- your clothes, accessories, underwear. Don't buy three shirts just because the saleslady says they go together; don't use four words in a row because you want a ready-made line.

I hope that made sense...
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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Miz Lina
If you're looking for critque on what you've already got, I can tell you a couple things:

-First line is horribly cliche. It's been overused to the point where the line itself is absolutely meaningless. You might as well follow it up with "you make me happyyyy, when skies are greyyyyy".

- Your first four lines start with the same word, first two have the same second word. Switching it up in the last two lines sets a precedent for the rest of the poem to follow. Your next stanza should have as much emphasis on the beginnings of your lines as this one does, and follow a relatable, if not similar, pattern.

-"Orchid in a field of decay", while maybe not the most original line I've seen, is the best one in this poem. It's a strong visual when the rest of your lines are very, very abstract. Try and balance your abstract (loved, cared, world of darkness, special, simple) with concrete (orchid in a field of decay), otherwise the reader gets bogged down in things they can't picture.

-Writing from the heart is excellent advice given to beginning poets. Even better advice, however, is choosing each word meticulously, making sure that every single letter in your poem carries it's own weight; every single word should move the poem forward. Don't use an entire line; use individual words and piece them together. "You loved me when I thought I could not be loved" is a LINE, not a collection of words strung together for a handtailored purpose.

Think of a poem as an outfit. Do you buy the entire thing at once, from the same store, same brand, as one unit? No. You buy a pair of pants here, a shirt there, some socks you already have. If you're a girl, you may spend months or years putting together your one perfect outfit- and in the end, every single piece in that outfit has been handpicked from various sources at various times because not only does it fit the whole image, it fits the wearer as well. You're the wearer. The poem is the outfit. The words are your pieces- your clothes, accessories, underwear. Don't buy three shirts just because the saleslady says they go together; don't use four words in a row because you want a ready-made line.

I hope that made sense...

That was a bit overwhelming too be honest neutral but I guess you're right, would you help me with this ?
Miz Lina's avatar

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Black_DarknezZ



That was a bit overwhelming too be honest neutral but I guess you're right, would you help me with this ?


To be honest, I don't normally critique poetry, but I'll help where I can.

I'll try and explain my last point farther:

Think of a poem as a piece of jewelry. Okay? A bracelet. Now, you can give your girlfriend something like this, which is nice, but it's identical to every other bracelet that every girl has gotten from her boyfriend. It's pretty, but it has no personality and doesn't stand out. It says "love" but it doesn't exactly scream "I spent hours picking out the one thing I knew you would love because you're special to me!" Right?

Or, you could get your girlfriend something like this one. Every single bead in that bracelet was picked out individually. Every single bead is something that she would love just on it's own. They've each been handpicked and then put together in the order that looks the best. If you were buying your girlfriend a bracelet, and you wanted it to be special and not generic, that's the bracelet you would buy, right? It's unique to her, and unique to the way you feel about her.

But you're not buying a bracelet, you're writing a poem. Your goal is still the same. Make sure that each small piece of the poem is there because it's special, not because it fits. And especially not because "it's what you'd expect to see." On a bracelet, you expect to see the word "love" in gold cursive. In a poem, you'd expect to see "You make me feel whole". Both are equally common, bland, and boring. Avoid that.

Look at it this way: Break that line into words. "You make me feel whole" is a collection of "you", "make", "me", "feel", and "whole". While "feel" is a special word, none of the rest of them are. So why are they there? When you say it all together, the line doesn't have staying power, because it's a) common, and b) bland. Instead, you could use something like, "You're the only one that can decipher my code" (if you guys are cryptbusters) or "You're the last ingredient to my cake" if you both like to bake. Both of these are HORRIBLE examples, cheesy and very lame, but you know what, they're also personalized and unique, and your girlfriend will remember them because they're specifically tailored to her and your relationship together.


PLEASE tell me that made a little bit of sense? I'm not trying to scare you off here, I promise. Just very awkwardly trying to explain a concept that seems simple in my head but isn't translating well into the keyboard tonight.

TL;DR:
Step 1: Personalize the poem to her and the love that you share so that it feels special and not like every other love poem.

Step 2: Use your words carefully; avoid over-used, chunky phrases.
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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Miz Lina
Black_DarknezZ



That was a bit overwhelming too be honest neutral but I guess you're right, would you help me with this ?


To be honest, I don't normally critique poetry, but I'll help where I can.

I'll try and explain my last point farther:

Think of a poem as a piece of jewelry. Okay? A bracelet. Now, you can give your girlfriend something like this, which is nice, but it's identical to every other bracelet that every girl has gotten from her boyfriend. It's pretty, but it has no personality and doesn't stand out. It says "love" but it doesn't exactly scream "I spent hours picking out the one thing I knew you would love because you're special to me!" Right?

Or, you could get your girlfriend something like this one. Every single bead in that bracelet was picked out individually. Every single bead is something that she would love just on it's own. They've each been handpicked and then put together in the order that looks the best. If you were buying your girlfriend a bracelet, and you wanted it to be special and not generic, that's the bracelet you would buy, right? It's unique to her, and unique to the way you feel about her.

But you're not buying a bracelet, you're writing a poem. Your goal is still the same. Make sure that each small piece of the poem is there because it's special, not because it fits. And especially not because "it's what you'd expect to see." On a bracelet, you expect to see the word "love" in gold cursive. In a poem, you'd expect to see "You make me feel whole". Both are equally common, bland, and boring. Avoid that.

Look at it this way: Break that line into words. "You make me feel whole" is a collection of "you", "make", "me", "feel", and "whole". While "feel" is a special word, none of the rest of them are. So why are they there? When you say it all together, the line doesn't have staying power, because it's a) common, and b) bland. Instead, you could use something like, "You're the only one that can decipher my code" (if you guys are cryptbusters) or "You're the last ingredient to my cake" if you both like to bake. Both of these are HORRIBLE examples, cheesy and very lame, but you know what, they're also personalized and unique, and your girlfriend will remember them because they're specifically tailored to her and your relationship together.


PLEASE tell me that made a little bit of sense? I'm not trying to scare you off here, I promise. Just very awkwardly trying to explain a concept that seems simple in my head but isn't translating well into the keyboard tonight.

TL;DR:
Step 1: Personalize the poem to her and the love that you share so that it feels special and not like every other love poem.

Step 2: Use your words carefully; avoid over-used, chunky phrases.

Now I get it ^^ thank you

You are like an orchid in a field of decay
You are my light of hope in this pitch black universe
You're the pen to my paper (we both love to write)
You're the mikael akerfeldt to my Opeth (We both love Opeth) (Opeth is nothing without mikael)
and ill keep working on it.
Little Dead Soldier's avatar

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To be honest, it seems more like you are talking about Jesus instead of a woman.
.___.
The Spellslinger's avatar

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Miz Lina
If you're a girl, you may spend months or years putting together your one perfect outfit-

+_+ I'm a guy, and my outfits are usually collages of pieces acquired over the course of years.
/resenting the implications that only girls do stuff like that.
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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Little Dead Soldier

To be honest, it seems more like you are talking about Jesus instead of a woman.
.___.


Lmfao xD I just really love her.
The Spellslinger's avatar

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You were the light in my world of darkness
As somebody else already said, that line must go.

You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
Also cliche, and slightly over-done/dramatic (in my eyes, at least.) What is the context? Did she save you from an heroine addiction? If it was something serious like that, then it works, but you might consider a little revision.

You are an orchid in a field of decay
I like this line, except that the orchid probably has a 0/0 percent chance of surviving.

You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Not bad, could be better. Slightly emo.

Cared for me when I could not be cared for
I like the removal of "thought," giving it a more certain feel.

Made me feel special when I'm just a simple man
:,| I love that song.
Anywho, that's also a fairly decent line.

This whole thing does sound a little one-sided though, dependent even. Maybe that's what you were going for? I think the compliments and what she means to you need to sound more sincere, but less sad-romance-novel-esque. Less beating yourself down.
Insanity And Cyanide's avatar

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The Spellslinger
You were the light in my world of darkness
As somebody else already said, that line must go.

You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
Also cliche, and slightly over-done/dramatic (in my eyes, at least.) What is the context? Did she save you from an heroine addiction? If it was something serious like that, then it works, but you might consider a little revision.

You are an orchid in a field of decay
I like this line, except that the orchid probably has a 0/0 percent chance of surviving.

You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Not bad, could be better. Slightly emo.

Cared for me when I could not be cared for
I like the removal of "thought," giving it a more certain feel.

Made me feel special when I'm just a simple man
:,| I love that song.
Anywho, that's also a fairly decent line.

This whole thing does sound a little one-sided though, dependent even. Maybe that's what you were going for? I think the compliments and what she means to you need to sound more sincere, but less sad-romance-novel-esque. Less beating yourself down.

Thanks for that xD Well uhmm..I thought I might get rid of this peom all together and start something else ?
The Spellslinger's avatar

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Black_DarknezZ
The Spellslinger
You were the light in my world of darkness
As somebody else already said, that line must go.

You were my savior when I thought I could not be saved
Also cliche, and slightly over-done/dramatic (in my eyes, at least.) What is the context? Did she save you from an heroine addiction? If it was something serious like that, then it works, but you might consider a little revision.

You are an orchid in a field of decay
I like this line, except that the orchid probably has a 0/0 percent chance of surviving.

You loved me when I thought I could not be loved
Not bad, could be better. Slightly emo.

Cared for me when I could not be cared for
I like the removal of "thought," giving it a more certain feel.

Made me feel special when I'm just a simple man
:,| I love that song.
Anywho, that's also a fairly decent line.

This whole thing does sound a little one-sided though, dependent even. Maybe that's what you were going for? I think the compliments and what she means to you need to sound more sincere, but less sad-romance-novel-esque. Less beating yourself down.

Thanks for that xD Well uhmm..I thought I might get rid of this peom all together and start something else ?

That might be best, I didn't really care much for this one. Try going for a more "mature" feel next time, and analyze some poems by well-known authors to see how they do it.

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