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[Mathias Ragnar]

So I'm writing this story about a SWAT member who's killed and destined to become the next Grim Reaper. His soul was chosen hundreds of years ago through the marks of his ancestors and his training is to either absolve or guide the newly dead people of the world. Not only does he have to help them find themselves so they don't become astray, but make sure they're protected from demons who wish to feed on the new soul entering the ethereal plain. I've got about 6 chapters done, but I'm only posting the first. Lemme know what you think, and thanks for stopping by.

The Gatekeeper

Chapter 1: Less of a Man

“Flank the eastern and northern perimeters.” The radio static chirped. Light footsteps echoed along the cold marble floor. The scent of smoke and mold grotesquely fumed the narrow hallways of this abandoned warehouse. But tonight, this warehouse was anything but empty. SWAT teams were rushing a raid on a local cartel bringing a shipment of cocaine into the boarders of Connecticut state. Police and SWAT from 3 surrounding states were dispatched to help as the cartel had already succeeded in slaughtering mass numbers of law enforcers in their states and distributing their supply. This was the final stand. All the cartel heads were here, and they had their intel from a trusted source. Alexander and his three comrades had the northern approach. Equipped in their bulletproof vests with combined tactical shoulder, elbow, thigh pads. In stock with flash bangs, smoke grenades, and C4 charges. Alexander leading the way, his laser sight marked carefully to the level of that of a doorknob. He gripped his weapon with ease and hardened awareness. Crouching against the wall next to a closed door, his comrades surrounded the walls, ready for a breach. Alexander unraveled his equipment, setting the C4 charge against the center of the door. Everyone taking a few steps back and waiting for their leader’s command. “GO!” The door blew apart in pieces and the team rushed in, going 2 by 2 against the eastern and western walls of the new room. Rifles up and searching frantically. They all paused in suspense. The room was empty, but the shipment was tucked away neatly in the back of a black pick-up truck. The back warehouse garage door was opened, revealing the midnight view over the ocean. Alexander pointed 2 fingers at a staircase leading up to a catwalk, indicating for 2 of his squad mates to check the area. He and his other comrade approached the truck carefully, keeping a look out for a possible ambush. He cocked his head to his radio and chirped in “Area is not confirmed to be secure. But we’ve found the objective, no sign of activity.” Suddenly rapid gunshots were fired above them and two bodies came tumbling down, crashing on top of the black pick-up truck, glass shattering and littered everywhere. “Boss, hostiles!” But it was too late, two dark skinned males had their weapons over the rail and pointed right at them. Alexander threw his arms up and quickly said, “Alright, easy.” He slowly crouched down and dropped his weapon. His comrade following his lead. Alexander cringed as he knew was about to happen. Now they were hostages. But it was better than suffering the same fate as his two brothers. One of the males quickly made his way down to their level and screamed at them in a heavy Hispanic accent. “Get on your knees! Handcuff yourselves!” Alexander did as he commanded and looked up at the one still on the catwalk. Knowing immediately that this was the one in charge, but not giving it away as this could prove to be vital information later. The one on the catwalk slowly made his approach down the stairs never taking his eyes off them. “Do you think we didn’t expect this, pig?” Alexander’s comrade tightened against his handcuffs and snapped at the man. “I’ll make you eat those words!” The cartel pawn raised his rifle and slammed the butt of it against the side of his face. Alexander’s comrade tumbled to the floor, motionless. Alexander grit his teeth and calmly eyed the leader. “You got what you wanted. You have no reason to harm either one of us, we’re hostages, there’s nothing more we can do.” The man walked in front of him, shoving his face in Alexander’s. “Oh, I think there’s plenty more you can do.” He chuckled lightly and raised his rifle, swinging it with no effort, across Alexander’s face. The room grew dark as he hit the floor. Dazed but still conscious he looked up hearing the leader speak to his pawn. “Get the bodies prepped, the doctor should be here shortly.” Alexander sighed, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he went unconscious.

Alexander’s eyes flashed open and he shot his head forward gasping for air. He was strapped to a stretcher being moved through the warehouse. He struggled against his restraints looking at everything around him, the direct fluorescent light hurting his vision. The Hispanic pawn from earlier was pushing him through the hallways that seemed to go on forever. Finally the stretcher hit double doors that swung open and they passed through a thick layer of plastic drapes. The room was heavily lighted and extremely bright. Two men stood in the room, a white male with a scraggly beard that seemed to droop all the way down to his chest, and the other a very thin, white woman with short red hair. The gang member strolled the stretcher in between the two of them as they smiled down at Alexander. Dressed in surgical robes with their sleeves rolled all the way up, long rubber gloves that hugged up their forearms, and large eye protection goggles. “Ohhh.. he’s perfect.” The white male spoke in a Russian accent. “Quickly let’s get his gear off.” The Hispanic held up his hand and cut him off. “Ey, no way. Boss wants to save this one for later. He gets to watch.” He smirked down at Alexander lightly laughing. Suddenly the double doors flew open and a new stretcher was being pushed inside the room. Alexander’s comrade was fighting and thrashing his whole body against the restraints. “What the ******** is this sick s**t man?!” Alexander quickly screamed to him, “Don’t worry rookie we’re gonna get out of this! You hear me?!” The officer thrashed and fought with so much effort, his face was badly cut and bleeding, like they roughed him up before sending him in. Alexander tightened his teeth and squirmed against his restraints, his muscles pulsing through his sleeves, turning his wrists frantically in the slightest hopes that the restraints loosen. The man in surgical equipment slid a long silver tray across the marble floors, hovering it against the officer’s stretcher. The gang members headed for the doors, “I can’t watch this s**t man. You two have fun now.” They laughed to each other and the doors closed for the last time. The man waved his hand at the woman. “Nurse, come now. Hold him still so we can get started.” She did as he instructed and held down the officer’s whole forearm with both hands, keeping it perfectly still. The man picked up a large rotational saw and held the trigger, letting the raw blade run loudly and as he inched towards his shoulder. “God! No!” The officer screamed in horror, trying to kick his legs. Alexander screamed at them as loud as he could, his voice over throwing the sound of the saw. “Don’t you dare take that young man’s life! Take me instead! Do you hear me?! Take me instead! Stop! No!” The officer’s face was strung in blood and tears as he screamed out, “Noooo!” Alexander screamed and tore his wrists wildly at around his restraints, the skin starting to break and bleed from rubbing against the rough handles. The saw made contact with the shoulder and sent blood spewing across the room, splattering against the plastic drapes and some on Alexander’s face. The saw rattling and rocking as it connected with bone. The officer screaming in agony, “Just kill meee!!” Alexander bellowed as finally he tore his wrist free and quickly grabbed hold of the C4 trigger that was attached to his chest. One charge left that was attached to his utility pockets. He took one last look at his comrade squirming and screaming in pain and spoke softly, “Forgive me.” Alexander pulled the trigger, the room erupting in a mass explosion of fire.

[Jin_of_the_thunder]

if you want people to read this you're really going to have to put it in a more readable format than a massive wall of text.

[Mathias Ragnar]

That's only cause it was on Word.
It's an unedited practice draft.

[I_Write_Ivre]

Alexander Magne

That's only cause it was on Word.

Which is why it doesn't match up in a completely different program.

Alexander Magne

It's an unedited practice draft.

Which you learned no to do in school. And most of the internet, including the stickies.

Just because we're free and anonymous doesn't mean you shouldn't show us the same respect you should show other people you want to edit your stuff. You wouldn't hand this to a publisher, editor, teacher, peer reviewer in a writing group, or a boss, like this. So don't show it to us this way.

If the major thing you need to edit is adding whitespace, that's the answer you're going to get. Same with grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. If you want us to critique the actual story, clear the basics out of the way first.

[Mathias Ragnar]

I_Write_Ivre

Alexander Magne

That's only cause it was on Word.

Which is why it doesn't match up in a completely different program.

Alexander Magne

It's an unedited practice draft.

Which you learned no to do in school. And most of the internet, including the stickies.

Just because we're free and anonymous doesn't mean you shouldn't show us the same respect you should show other people you want to edit your stuff. You wouldn't hand this to a publisher, editor, teacher, peer reviewer in a writing group, or a boss, like this. So don't show it to us this way.

If the major thing you need to edit is adding whitespace, that's the answer you're going to get. Same with grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. If you want us to critique the actual story, clear the basics out of the way first.

I wanted feedback on the story itself.
Not it's presentation.
I could care less on how it looks.
And I'm aware of why it looks the way it does.
But thanks for your unnecessary critique on everything other than the actual writing, I'll be sure to make sure it's edited and spaced accordingly next time.

[I_Write_Ivre]

Alexander Magne

I wanted feedback on the story itself.
Not it's presentation.
I could care less on how it looks.
And I'm aware of why it looks the way it does.
But thanks for your unnecessary critique on everything other than the actual writing, I'll be sure to make sure it's edited and spaced accordingly next time.

So you didn't actually READ my 'critique' and instead insulted the basics of asking for editing from a peer.

I pity your teachers. And classmates.

[Jin_of_the_thunder]

Alexander Magne

I_Write_Ivre

Alexander Magne

That's only cause it was on Word.

Which is why it doesn't match up in a completely different program.

Alexander Magne

It's an unedited practice draft.

Which you learned no to do in school. And most of the internet, including the stickies.

Just because we're free and anonymous doesn't mean you shouldn't show us the same respect you should show other people you want to edit your stuff. You wouldn't hand this to a publisher, editor, teacher, peer reviewer in a writing group, or a boss, like this. So don't show it to us this way.

If the major thing you need to edit is adding whitespace, that's the answer you're going to get. Same with grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. If you want us to critique the actual story, clear the basics out of the way first.

I wanted feedback on the story itself.
Not it's presentation.
I could care less on how it looks.
And I'm aware of why it looks the way it does.
But thanks for your unnecessary critique on everything other than the actual writing, I'll be sure to make sure it's edited and spaced accordingly next time.

its not about how it looks, its about how easy it is to read. your are asking us to read and critique something for you and you can't even be bothered to make it easily readable for us.

making some white space is a 10 second job that you can do when you copy it into the post box, if your going to make it so hard for us to help you why would we bother to help you?

[Akiko Ida]

I love it so far! Would love to read the rest ^_^

[terradi]

Jin_of_the_thunder

its not about how it looks, its about how easy it is to read. your are asking us to read and critique something for you and you can't even be bothered to make it easily readable for us.

making some white space is a 10 second job that you can do when you copy it into the post box, if your going to make it so hard for us to help you why would we bother to help you?

Agreed wholeheartedly with this. If you want to be treated with respect, please show respect for us, your peers and critique buddies. If you cannot take the time to format your post to make it more readable, you're simply not going to get a lot of readers.

While this may not seem like a big deal to you, as someone who reads a lot of things on online forums, I consider those spaces to be essential. It takes me a lot longer to read through something that hasn't been broken up, and it makes it hard for me to focus on the story I'm reading. If I'm going to read your piece and critique it, I want to be able to focus on your story and nothing but your story. I simply can't do that well when I'm trying to figure out where one line ends and the next begins. It distracts me.

If you're unsure how to format properly for a forum like this, all you need do is ask. Start a new line for each new speaker with dialogue. Put a double enter between each paragraph, as tabs do not work on this forum.

One more tip -- ditch the numbers. Don't tell me that '2 of his squad mates' did something. Use two fully typed out. The first way simply looks like chatspeak and does absolutely nothing for your story.