Feedback on Poem

[QuietlyFadingAway]

Hey everyone. I am writing a poem about the kidnapped girls in Nigeria and how the government is corrupt and won't even help its own people....yeah. So, I need some critiques on the poem. Thank you!

Safety Where Are Thou (poem)
Our hope was stolen in the night.
Asleep, they were awaiting
for dawn’s light to come upon them.
But they were jostled in their sleep, amidst
power and murder.

They are now behind closed doors, hidden from
the world’s eye, slaves to men who would
rather watch them perish and die.

Yes, some have escaped from this terrible situation,
their mouths are sealed, but only in fear.

You see, the abductors—the men tainted with spite—
loathed these girls…only because they sought after
an education, an education that could help them
change the world.

But those men—those callous, merciless men—would have none of it.

In the deep of the night, when no light could expose
their treachery, they stole away an assortment of
learners. Are we women an endangered species
when it comes to education?


Is there no secure place? Has the world—and its
people—grown toxic?
Power—once gentle and revering—has
been distorted into a corrupt and unethical
presence. It searches for figures in authority
and disfiguring their judgment,
their promises and assurances hollow of conviction.

[I_Write_Ivre]

The only problems I see are a) this isn't a new problem for Nigeria, yet the poem insinuates it is; b)lack of cultural and environmental context about Nigeria; and c) Nigeria is not the world--the world isn't toxic, we have forgotten how long of a tradition of toxic people in power has continued.

[QuietlyFadingAway]

Ok, thank you!

[I_Write_Ivre]

QuietlyFadingAway

Ok, thank you!

Glad to help.

If you need more, I'll need more context, but I'll do my best.

[Iysander]

since the other person covered the cultural stuff and the context, i'll just add a little bit on style and flow. it's not a bad poem by any means, but a really good poem has a flow to it even if it's free verse or what have you. what i'm reading here sounds more like prose that's got line breaks in it.

on top of that, i suggest trying your best to remove words that aren't necessary. try to condense meaning as much as you can; poems that are short pack more of a punch when each word is geared towards moving the poem along, so throwaway words should be removed in my opinion.

for example:



In the deep of the night, when no light could expose
their treachery, they stole away an assortment of
learners. Are we women an endangered species
when it comes to education?


you have a bunch of words that have a lot of syllables. this in itself isn't a problem, but when you try to find a rhythm to latch onto as a reader, throwing around syllables like that can really make it hard. the first half of the first line ("in the deep of the night" ) is made up of short, one-syllable words. the same is true for the latter half of that sentence ("when no light could" ) until we hit the word "expose". and then we get to the word "treachery" and "assortment" which don't fit the simpler language of the first line. this also happens in the rest of the poem, so i'd probably take a look at that if i were you.

also, this is a matter of personal opinion, but instead of outright coming at your reader with your message, you could represent the issue as a situation— maybe tell the story of one girl in brief snapshots of her experiences. sort of like having small stanza-sized vignettes that are interwoven. by telling the story of one person in a more emotive manner, you can get your reader invested in your cause much, much easier. such a style would probably use more imagery, more metaphoric language, but i mean... it's really up to you.

[I_Write_Ivre]

About the 'deep in the night' part:its almost entirely false. Most are tricked into thinking they are courted or offered actual jobs. There's almost no straight abduction and its not from their own house. Also, many are tricked by other women or girls.

More importantly, the abduction is the least of the victim's problems. They are regularly stripped, beaten, starved, refused water, drugged, never get to go outside or see the money they earned, and most die before knowing freedom.

[QuietlyFadingAway]

I_Write_Ivre

About the 'deep in the night' part:its almost entirely false. Most are tricked into thinking they are courted or offered actual jobs. There's almost no straight abduction and its not from their own house. Also, many are tricked by other women or girls.

More importantly, the abduction is the least of the victim's problems. They are regularly stripped, beaten, starved, refused water, drugged, never get to go outside or see the money they earned, and most die before knowing freedom.

No. The school girls and women were abducted.

[QuietlyFadingAway]

cuil theorist

since the other person covered the cultural stuff and the context, i'll just add a little bit on style and flow. it's not a bad poem by any means, but a really good poem has a flow to it even if it's free verse or what have you. what i'm reading here sounds more like prose that's got line breaks in it.

on top of that, i suggest trying your best to remove words that aren't necessary. try to condense meaning as much as you can; poems that are short pack more of a punch when each word is geared towards moving the poem along, so throwaway words should be removed in my opinion.

for example:



In the deep of the night, when no light could expose
their treachery, they stole away an assortment of
learners. Are we women an endangered species
when it comes to education?


you have a bunch of words that have a lot of syllables. this in itself isn't a problem, but when you try to find a rhythm to latch onto as a reader, throwing around syllables like that can really make it hard. the first half of the first line ("in the deep of the night" ) is made up of short, one-syllable words. the same is true for the latter half of that sentence ("when no light could" ) until we hit the word "expose". and then we get to the word "treachery" and "assortment" which don't fit the simpler language of the first line. this also happens in the rest of the poem, so i'd probably take a look at that if i were you.

also, this is a matter of personal opinion, but instead of outright coming at your reader with your message, you could represent the issue as a situation— maybe tell the story of one girl in brief snapshots of her experiences. sort of like having small stanza-sized vignettes that are interwoven. by telling the story of one person in a more emotive manner, you can get your reader invested in your cause much, much easier. such a style would probably use more imagery, more metaphoric language, but i mean... it's really up to you.

Thank you. I really love the idea of writing it vignette style; I'm not really that good at convincing. But using more imagery would get the point across better.

[I_Write_Ivre]

QuietlyFadingAway

No. The school girls and women were abducted.

emotion_facepalm

Now THAT'S insulting.

http://freedom4innocence.org/

Most victims are duped into believing that they are being employed by a prominent firm abroad. Sometimes women are courted by the trafficker who poses to be a spouse. Once the marriage takes place, they leave for a foreign country where the supposed spouse sells the girl for a high price.

Men and women can both be traffickers with women comprising 45% and men being the remaining 55%. This illegal trade is said to generate about 50% profits in the industrialized economies, 32% in the Asian countries and about 10% from the rest of the world.

Going by the statistics of the convictions and prosecutions globally that occurred in 2006 (5808 prosecutions and 3160 convictions) shows that for every 800 persons trafficked, only one is convicted. This is a discouraging ratio of 800:1.

The majority of trafficked victims knew their trafficker. They were either a family, a friend, a relative or a neighbor.

This is STILL abduction. Claiming it's not is demeaning to every single victim who had to suffer this and then have to face 'it doesn't count, nut up' or just plain died from it.

I know this one instance was different, but shouldn't the point be that it's not? This is just like reporting only white females that go missing and ignoring the other races. You ruin your own cause when you only want to rescue the special snowflakes.

Nigeria, due to high political corruption and being the seventh most populous country in the world, has some of the highest rates of sexual slavery. Telling them 'well, we'll ignore when it's a family member or friend abducting one or two, but when it's a bunch from a school? Well, then we have to do something. Go back to how you regularly traffic women, right now!' is wrong.

It's great to want to help others less fortunate and far away and generate a response, getting sucked into the same fallacy that perpetuates the problem will just make things worse.

[QuietlyFadingAway]

I_Write_Ivre

QuietlyFadingAway

No. The school girls and women were abducted.

emotion_facepalm

Now THAT'S insulting.

http://freedom4innocence.org/

Most victims are duped into believing that they are being employed by a prominent firm abroad. Sometimes women are courted by the trafficker who poses to be a spouse. Once the marriage takes place, they leave for a foreign country where the supposed spouse sells the girl for a high price.

Men and women can both be traffickers with women comprising 45% and men being the remaining 55%. This illegal trade is said to generate about 50% profits in the industrialized economies, 32% in the Asian countries and about 10% from the rest of the world.

Going by the statistics of the convictions and prosecutions globally that occurred in 2006 (5808 prosecutions and 3160 convictions) shows that for every 800 persons trafficked, only one is convicted. This is a discouraging ratio of 800:1.

The majority of trafficked victims knew their trafficker. They were either a family, a friend, a relative or a neighbor.

This is STILL abduction. Claiming it's not is demeaning to every single victim who had to suffer this and then have to face 'it doesn't count, nut up' or just plain died from it.

I know this one instance was different, but shouldn't the point be that it's not? This is just like reporting only white females that go missing and ignoring the other races. You ruin your own cause when you only want to rescue the special snowflakes.

Nigeria, due to high political corruption and being the seventh most populous country in the world, has some of the highest rates of sexual slavery. Telling them 'well, we'll ignore when it's a family member or friend abducting one or two, but when it's a bunch from a school? Well, then we have to do something. Go back to how you regularly traffic women, right now!' is wrong.

It's great to want to help others less fortunate and far away and generate a response, getting sucked into the same fallacy that perpetuates the problem will just make things worse.

When did I claim this wasn't abduction? I know it was abduction.

[I_Write_Ivre]

QuietlyFadingAway

I_Write_Ivre

QuietlyFadingAway

No. The school girls and women were abducted.

emotion_facepalm

Now THAT'S insulting.

http://freedom4innocence.org/

Most victims are duped into believing that they are being employed by a prominent firm abroad. Sometimes women are courted by the trafficker who poses to be a spouse. Once the marriage takes place, they leave for a foreign country where the supposed spouse sells the girl for a high price.

Men and women can both be traffickers with women comprising 45% and men being the remaining 55%. This illegal trade is said to generate about 50% profits in the industrialized economies, 32% in the Asian countries and about 10% from the rest of the world.

Going by the statistics of the convictions and prosecutions globally that occurred in 2006 (5808 prosecutions and 3160 convictions) shows that for every 800 persons trafficked, only one is convicted. This is a discouraging ratio of 800:1.

The majority of trafficked victims knew their trafficker. They were either a family, a friend, a relative or a neighbor.

This is STILL abduction. Claiming it's not is demeaning to every single victim who had to suffer this and then have to face 'it doesn't count, nut up' or just plain died from it.

I know this one instance was different, but shouldn't the point be that it's not? This is just like reporting only white females that go missing and ignoring the other races. You ruin your own cause when you only want to rescue the special snowflakes.

Nigeria, due to high political corruption and being the seventh most populous country in the world, has some of the highest rates of sexual slavery. Telling them 'well, we'll ignore when it's a family member or friend abducting one or two, but when it's a bunch from a school? Well, then we have to do something. Go back to how you regularly traffic women, right now!' is wrong.

It's great to want to help others less fortunate and far away and generate a response, getting sucked into the same fallacy that perpetuates the problem will just make things worse.

When did I claim this wasn't abduction? I know it was abduction.

I just quoted you saying 'no, they were abducted. You can't be saying 'no, they were never tortured after they were abducted', then it has to be in response to me pointing out trickery is used most of the time.