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Kairi Nightingale
Cannibalistic Sex
So I have terrible grammar and my story is crap..... emo
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/compose/entry/new/79484509/?quote=14#

So learn proper grammar and research stuff. Don't whine about it. That's not going to get you anywhere. If this is all it takes to discourage you, if you aren't willing to put in the time and effort to improve yourself, you might as well give up now. It'll save you the pain later.

You have to be tough to be a writer. Toughen up. Look past any harsh words and actually listen to what people have to say. Take advice into consideration when editing your work and think about what you have to do to get your point across. It also takes work. You have to be willing to learn and put in the time to get your information right. Ask questions, look for answers. Don't just say "my stuff is crap." Say "why is it crap? How can I fix it? I'll have to get it right eventually." The more you practice, the better you'll get. It doesn't happen all in one day. The trick is to keep trying.

Your right,
I just thought that more people would like the story.
I didn't notice how terrible my grammar was until everyone pointed it out.
I will take the negative and use it to improve my writing.
Cannibalistic Sex's avatar

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Saffron Bunny
Cannibalistic Sex
So I wrote a story and posted it on wattpad.com but no one has given me any comments or feed back,so I was hoping you guys on here would give me some?


I'll give it a shot. You should probably know that sugar-coating isn't really my thing, so some comments may seem harsh.

Cannibalistic Sex
Intro - Description
I have a nasty tendency to do terrible things,and I enjoy things that make most people cringe. The moon glowing down on a lifeless body made the blood shimmer in such a beautiful way,and it illuminated a person's face frozen in fear for all eternity. I enjoyed causing people's physical suffering; it was a good way to pass time. After I do these terrible things, he comes to me. He was one of the few things I found I could care for,and he made the hole where my heart should be feel less hollow. My body reacted to him in ways that left me aching to see him again. I always found reasons to do the terrible things I do, but after he came to me that first time, I was given a whole new reason that slowly took me over.


From what I understand, this person is killing other people to see some guy. Correct me if I'm wrong. How exactly have the police not found her/him? Crime Scene Investigators would surely have picked up a pattern by now. How exactly has the main character evaded them?

How exactly is killing people a "good way to pass the time"? I can't say I relate to this character, but perhaps others can.

Cannibalistic Sex
Part one
The moon shimmered in the sky;I knew tonight would be perfect.


I'm going to stop you right here. To be honest, as a reader, I don't really care if it's a perfect night, if the moon is shimmering without a cloud in the sky, or even if it's storming. Unless the weather has something to do with the plot, quite frankly, I find it boring. I'm not hooked on this story from the first line.

Cannibalistic Sex
The summer night was a cool night with plenty of light to see what I was doing.


Where does this character come from where summer nights are "cool"?

Cannibalistic Sex
After all, who doesn't enjoy their own art? I loved the natural art of blood spatter, but the clean up ruins any trace of my art.


I'm guessing the main character is cleaning his/her crime scene? I'm guessing they probably don't do a good job, like most criminals. If someone bleeds out on carpet, the blood soaks into the padding beneath, and even though it looks clean, it actually isn't. If a person is struck with a blunt object, depending on the angle, the blood spatter could even end up on the ceiling. Most killers won't even think to check the ceiling.

What about the murder weapon? What is the murder weapon? If it's a knife, part of it could break off into the victim. Depending on the knife, it could leave traces in places a killer wouldn't necessarily realize, such as bones. Is the knife serrated or straight? Is it a butcher knife, a kitchen knife, a steak knife, or something more like a dagger? If it's a gun, there would be shells or casings laying around, and the bullets will probably be either in the victim or on the floor (depending on the gun and if there is an exit wound in the victim). Bullets can lodge themselves deep inside of a victim and might not be easy to find.

Not to mention that everything would change based on gender. Please don't throw any feminism my way; it really won't be appreciated, and that's not a battle you're going to win. You see, women don't build muscle as easily as men do. Therefore, if the main character is a woman, she might have a harder time killing, depending on the murder weapon. Some weapons can weigh quite a bit, such as objects made from solid metal. Plus, since women generally aren't as tall as men, they tend to aim lower first so that way the victim doubles over and is more vulnerable. Sometimes, due to strength, or lack thereof, the wounds won't necessarily be as deep. Of course, there are exceptions to this. On the other hand, taller men can deliver a blow to the head much easier.

Also, take into consideration which hand the main character is more dominant with. Even if they are ambidextrous, there is a hand they are going to prefer using. The left hand is generally more awkward, and if a knife is the murder weapon, the cut is going to go the opposite direction than a right handed killer would be able to perform.

Cannibalistic Sex
Time to start getting the paint ready, in a matter of speaking. I got on the phone and dialed her number. It rang three times before she answered. She notified me she couldn't come to me because her sister's disapproval. We said our goodbyes, and the fury hit. I dialed the sister's number, allowing the fury to hide behind a cheerful wall. She found it touching that I cared about her opinion,but if only she only knew my real intentions.


This part is confusing. I don't quite understand what is exactly going on, but it sounds like the sister forced the other to go. Real nice of her. Who are they exactly and how does the main character know them? Why does her sister disprove? Why does she need her sister's approval? Is it an excuse? Do they know this person is dangerous? Why is the main character angry? Why are you, as the author, telling us all of this and not showing instead?

Cannibalistic Sex
When she arrived, I had the noodles boiling and the sauce simmering, the aroma of basil filled the house.


Who arrived? The sister or the random person? Why is the main character making spaghetti? What kind of pasta is it? Ravioli? Angel hair? Linguini? What kind of sauce? Alfredo? Meat sauce? Tomato? Pesto?

Cannibalistic Sex
The spaghetti was almost done. I answered the door and showed her into the dinning room. It had a door off to the side leading to the basement which was perfect for getting the meat ready.


Well, I suppose that when she is missing for twenty four hours, her sister will call the police and tell her exactly where the sister went last. The main character will have the police at his/her front door, they will have a warrant, and they will go down into the basement at some point to find blood spattered where the main character didn't look, and the main character will be either imprisoned for life.

That's my guess. No one is "amazing" at lying.

Cannibalistic Sex
She was a plump four months pregnant;that i hadn't expected but all the same I guess baby meatballs was now on the menu.I hadn't expected that, but all the same. I guessed baby meatballs were now on the menu.


Okay, except now when the police do arrive, they will arrest the main character for eating a fetus and killing a pregnant woman. The main character would be a prime suspect, don't forget.

Cannibalistic Sex
"I'm a vegetarian. I hope you know," the shrilling sound that was her voice made it hard to wait.


Why is she pointing out that she's a vegetarian? Pasta and sauce isn't filled with cow essence or made with chicken spirits, so I don't understand why this is part of the dialogue. Plus, if these two know each other well, wouldn't the main character already know of the other character's eating habits? And if they don't know each other well and the other character is four months pregnant, wouldn't someone want to go with her? Especially if the sister was already concerned in the first place? This is redundant.

Cannibalistic Sex
I slipped out of step with her not much just two steps behind. If she looked back, I'd wait. If she allowed me to walk behind her, then maybe I wouldn't.


What?

Cannibalistic Sex
I stepped right behind her, knife out, and my heart skipped a beat as I put it up to her throat. She turned her head then but too little too late. Her throat was a pale white. I slowly and perfectly sliced open that white flesh and watched as the blood blossomed to the surface. The cut wasn't deep enough to cause any real damage, just deep enough to stir fear into my victim.


Okay, two questions. One, the main character is just showing off the basement, and the other character is just like "Wow! So pretty!" Really? That's not unrealistic at all. /Sarcasm

Second question. How exactly does a cut to the throat not do very much damage with a knife? Is this a butter knife? Someone obviously didn't do their research.

Cannibalistic Sex
Her eyes were wide as she tried to get free, but I pushed the knife harder into her neck. These urges I get to see him are causing for a mess in my house,but that thought was brief in my mind.The pale bleeding woman in front of me deserved my full attention,wouldn't you agree? I grabbed a handful of hair and began to drag her into the basement as she tried to struggle. but I yanked her hair harder, and the tears began to flow down her face. I smiled as I pulled her down the stairs, the moon light brightened the dark room. She lay spread out on the floor, faint breaths whispered past her lips. I took the knife and plunged it into her stomach and cut straight down the middle. She gasped and faint screams escaped her lips. No meatballs tonight; he'd be coming, and I wouldn't want to spend all my time hacking this bulky woman to bits. The blood streamed towards the drain in the middle of the room as she lay there lifeless. Her eyes were staring off not focused on anything, and the fear I caused was frozen on her face, priceless.


Does this woman own a cellphone? I would think the sister would text to check in on her from time to time and start to get suspicious if the sister didn't text back. If she doesn't, apparently the sister didn't care as much as we were led to believe. Or you, as the author, didn't think this through.

...

This isn't exactly my kind of story, so I'm not going to continue past here. Hopefully, you can see what I was talking about in the other thread you made about this. You also might want to do some research on the jugular in the neck because that woman probably would have died within the first cut.
Thank you for taking the time to give me some feed back I appreciate it. 3nodding
Cannibalistic Sex's avatar

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Cogent Dream
Just practice and learn more. Skills don't come free.

Another thing that will help you get more readers is if you space out your writing more with a larger font. When people see big blocks of text on a computer screen they don't feel like reading it.

Thank you emotion_yatta
OmgRee's avatar

Questionable Cat

I love horror/gore stories. I want to read the improved version.
Yeah, your grammar could definitely improve (space AFTER the comma, paragraphing, apostrophes, and what other people said). You repeat a bit too often, too.
But don't worry, writing is an art, and it takes a lot of practice to finally get it!
Cannibalistic Sex
Saffron Bunny
Cannibalistic Sex

Thank you for taking the time to give me some feed back I appreciate it. 3nodding


No problem! Just remember to brush up on your grammar and make things believable -if not completely realistic. 3nodding

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