Ever, as a writer, have you disturbed yourself with your own

[Airship Canon]

All is lost again...
But I'm NOT giving in...

I will not Bow!
I will not Break!
I will shut the World Away!

...plot events..? [Title Full]

I suppose, it would make sense, that as a creator, that you'd obviously feel a connection to your own creations. If you couldn't invoke that connection with yourself, how could you hope to invoke that with others? (Well, the answer is obvious, that perhaps, you've distanced yourself from the characters- especially ones you know are say, use of the , and you, as the creator of the work already may have planned out events- allowing you to already know the outcomes of their plights.

But I really gotta ask this..

I've been at creative-writing for quite a while now (mostly fanfics. (Most never even end up on FF.net either) But I do have a continuing original 'verse that I keep writing small bits on, and I've got several plots for, but I haven't really gotten past "Initial Action Block" (where I start writing something, but shortly into the rising action, I get Writers Block all to hell and back and can't keep going) with any of it...) but I've recently encountered something.

Now, I've written a fair deal of character deaths, and a few of these are "Joss-****ING-Whedon" class. (I do have this notable questioning to Whedoning a character early, but that's thoughts on audience reaction. I've got this want to have people not get ****ed off at me early-- it's kinda natural. (and I start getting that feeling like "why bother if no one cares"... (Part of the reason why the "Zion-verse" hasn't gotten anything done with it. I don't know how I'd share it. (I suppose I could try to get it (well a novelization of one of the major points (referred to as "Beyond the Sky", a story centered around the "unsung heroes" of the "Third Zionic War", a major conflict in the 'verse- the one that lead to the destruction of a certain nation called "Giretsu" wink ) published, but I'm not to confident I'd succeed, and with a site like "Fiction Press" I think it'd just get overwhelmed (because oh look, it's another fantasy story...)) and that leads straight to Writer's Block.)) But a recent write up of a death of a certain character made me feel down right terrible. In one part, it's because I know I'm well, Whedoning (which, while that may turn off a few readers, they can either "Don't Like, Don't Read", or whatever-- they can get the hell over it (like they could with a certain "Arthur" in something else)), but I don't know, I outright disturbed myself with this one.

I planned for this character to die fairly early on- I went into it treating her as standard Sacrificial Lamb (running on the fact that, as a fanfic, her popularity in the fandom would transition her to Sacrificial Lion status)... but by time I actually got to her death (which actually had to happen, sorta like Kamina's had to in TTGL, but for vastly different reasons), which I had planned on being well "vivid", I found that I couldn't go thru with it- and ended up expediting a scene that was supposed to drag on for a while, and well, "self-censoring" because I had disturbed myself so damn bad. (Well, at least I didn't cold-feet my way out of it. Although I was really tempted to, but I had to keep reminding myself that if her death didn't occur, things *wouldn't* change. She lives, my plot dies- her death is absolutely critical to it.)

So, thus my question:
Has this situation happened for any of the rest of you? Have you, ever set out with a plot event in mind, but by time it was time for it to occur, you just find it horribly hard to write, (and/or, like in my case, start getting sick to the stomach trying to), simply because you're disturbing yourself that bad?
If so, did you see it thru? Or did you start coming up with ways to avoid the scenario altogether while keeping your plot intact?

Or am I just a wuss for even bringing this topic up?

For those who Do encounter this issue, how do you cope with it?
Do you seek immunity? Or something else?

Shameless Link.

I will not Fall!
I will not Fade!
I will take your breath away!

FALL!

[Rym Ember]

I've nearly vomited, cried, and felt very scared and uncomfortable while writing my novel.

You're not a wuss. It's a valid question.

I have a question though. You censored yourself because the opposite would have been worse. What good did you receive from censoring yourself?

[Airship Canon]

Rym Ember

I've nearly vomited, cried, and felt very scared and uncomfortable while writing my novel.

You're not a wuss. It's a valid question.

I have a question though. You censored yourself because the opposite would have been worse. What good did you receive from censoring yourself?

On one hand, nothing. (Well, it lets me leave the rating on FF.net at T, so it doesn't get hidden. So that? Post "censor" it's still fairly graphic (the original version I had planned out was significantly more "graphic", so... I actually made a note that I may raise the rating to M at a point, but as it stands it won't), so I'm legitimately going with the "Remember: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a shonen, a KIDS show" rule rating, and basing my own "rating" scale off that.)

On the other hand, I suppose I'm bit of a wuss for this, but I after writing it out, do not currently suppose I could've honestly gone thru with the original. (I actually feel really really bad for offing this character, but I have to remind myself, had she not died, I couldn't justify the actions the plot is about to take.)

[Orbiting Jupiter]

I don't get overly emotional when I write because a story is a story. I do however get very excited when the writing goes the way I want it to even if it means killing off a favourite character or torturing an innocent bystander who has no use to the plot whatsoever. Sometimes I get a little uncomfortable when writing things I'm not sure of or that I personally deem a bit emotional based, but other than that I rarely have a problem.

I would assume it's normal though. Everyone interacts with their own writing differently, same as everyone reads a book differently.

[Rym Ember]

Airship Canon

On one hand, nothing. (Well, it lets me leave the rating on FF.net at T, so it doesn't get hidden. So that? Post "censor" it's still fairly graphic (the original version I had planned out was significantly more "graphic", so... I actually made a note that I may raise the rating to M at a point, but as it stands it won't), so I'm legitimately going with the "Remember: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a shonen, a KIDS show" rule rating, and basing my own "rating" scale off that.)

On the other hand, I suppose I'm bit of a wuss for this, but I after writing it out, do not currently suppose I could've honestly gone thru with the original. (I actually feel really really bad for offing this character, but I have to remind myself, had she not died, I couldn't justify the actions the plot is about to take.)

Would you like me to give you some advice concerning the "wuss-dom?"

[Ysavvryl]

I have disturbed myself, especially with some villains. For me, it's because I get it planned out 'logically' in my head and I know it's going to happen that way. But once I get into writing it down, I'm emotionally involved in that scene and it makes me feel kinda sick. It certainly doesn't help that I'm quite empathic and squeamish as it is. When I get to that kind of scene, I usually push myself through it in the first draft, then take a break and go do something else before I pick up writing again. When I come back for draft re-writes and editing, I'm in the more logical frame of mind and it doesn't bother me as much.

But what stops me more is tragic scenes. I cry so easily. I handle it the same way, though: push through it emotionally the first time, take a break, then come back to it logically.

[Airship Canon]

Rym Ember

Airship Canon

On one hand, nothing. (Well, it lets me leave the rating on FF.net at T, so it doesn't get hidden. So that? Post "censor" it's still fairly graphic (the original version I had planned out was significantly more "graphic", so... I actually made a note that I may raise the rating to M at a point, but as it stands it won't), so I'm legitimately going with the "Remember: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a shonen, a KIDS show" rule rating, and basing my own "rating" scale off that.)

On the other hand, I suppose I'm bit of a wuss for this, but I after writing it out, do not currently suppose I could've honestly gone thru with the original. (I actually feel really really bad for offing this character, but I have to remind myself, had she not died, I couldn't justify the actions the plot is about to take.)

Would you like me to give you some advice concerning the "wuss-dom?"

Go ahead- shoot. (Although, for the case of what I was doing, it's already a done-deal.)

[whimsicaldreamer]

I do have passages that take a heavy emotional toll when I write them. I have one character who in my mind speaks in someone's voice from my own life. That the character has a lot of the same personality as the same person and a lot of overlay in appearance makes the connection in my mind even stronger. There are also passages where the characters are tortured or something simmilar and I have to get inside their heads with all their feelings and senses. When I write those things my anxiety level always ends up going through the roof and I have to take a break (sometimes days if it is that bad) before coming back.

The fact that the sections that require me to delve in to that mental state end up being some of my best and most vivid parts keeps me at it. These parts, yes they are a bit disturbing, but they are a necessary part of the characters and the story so I write them.

When it comes to killing off my characters, well there is a reason I tend to plan if they live or die when I create them. I put equal effort into all of mine so I am usually more attached to them than the reader. I tell myself that the story does not work if they live becuase a half dozen plot points to the entire story can rest on them dying as I planned.

[goddesslover69]

Well, I write from experience usually, so when I write about a scene, it hits me really hard because I am reliving every emotion and every instant of the moment. It just works out in the end, but yes, usually, I feel like hell or uncomfortable after I have written the scene.

[Rennie`]

I've come to the stage where I am so connected to my main character that I am unsure whether I want to continue with my story line. That sounds dramatically worse then it actually is, basically I am writing a trilogy and had an idea that he dies at the end, but I can't bring myself to do so. Maybe it's because I've been writing my novel for so many years that Tuthmosis just feels real to me.

Apart from that strange relationship I don't feel much else. I feel pity for his wife, content when he reaps his revenge and slight arousal during sex scenes.... that's is.

[SiobhanDeStele]

Not really, I don't really ever need to write graphic deaths. I'm a fan of one-shot-kills, myself.

[justadarling]

First off, I Iove I Will Not Bow emotion_awesome

I don't really get disturbed with my own writing. My imagination always scares me to death because I have a bad habit of thinking of disturbing and twisted things sometimes while I try to sleep in the darkness of my room at night.

Sometimes my dreams disturb me but in the setting of writing, I feel okay. I feel safe when I write so whatever might scare or disturb me otherwise, doesn't bother me while I then.

[Rym Ember]

Airship Canon

Rym Ember

Airship Canon

On the other hand, I suppose I'm bit of a wuss for this, but I after writing it out, do not currently suppose I could've honestly gone thru with the original. (I actually feel really really bad for offing this character, but I have to remind myself, had she not died, I couldn't justify the actions the plot is about to take.)

Would you like me to give you some advice concerning the "wuss-dom?"

Go ahead- shoot. (Although, for the case of what I was doing, it's already a done-deal.)

If you're afraid that you're going to seem like a wuss for doing something, then you will never truly act with bravery. If I'm afraid that people will say I'm a freak for posting a piece of my blog, then I won't do it. They attack me because they don't like me. If I give up before they attack me, they've already won.

If someone is wuss for not wanting to be around graphic violence, then I would have no problem being called a wuss. There is no reason why one should be able to hand gore or disturbing content. The people who can handle that stuff are dissociated. They disconnect from their feelings. They aren't truly brave for this disconnection. Those that are truly brave admit when they're afraid and act accordingly.

[Airship Canon]

Rym Ember

Airship Canon

Rym Ember

Airship Canon

On the other hand, I suppose I'm bit of a wuss for this, but I after writing it out, do not currently suppose I could've honestly gone thru with the original. (I actually feel really really bad for offing this character, but I have to remind myself, had she not died, I couldn't justify the actions the plot is about to take.)

Would you like me to give you some advice concerning the "wuss-dom?"

Go ahead- shoot. (Although, for the case of what I was doing, it's already a done-deal.)

If you're afraid that you're going to seem like a wuss for doing something, then you will never truly act with bravery. If I'm afraid that people will say I'm a freak for posting a piece of my blog, then I won't do it. They attack me because they don't like me. If I give up before they attack me, they've already won.

If someone is wuss for not wanting to be around graphic violence, then I would have no problem being called a wuss. There is no reason why one should be able to hand gore or disturbing content. The people who can handle that stuff are dissociated. They disconnect from their feelings. They aren't truly brave for this disconnection. Those that are truly brave admit when they're afraid and act accordingly.

In short, you're saying do what I want and don't care about what others think, and "Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the strength to go forward in spite of it."

However, I've got to wonder, in my scenario, what's the "act accordingly"? I mean, obviously, I can tell, it was "do not chicken the hell out and let a character who's supposed to die live for the sake of being too worried about it" at very least- because that death is pivotal to plot. (It's by all means, "the call".) But what of the self-censor? What do you think of that?

[Rym Ember]

Airship Canon

Rym Ember

Airship Canon

Rym Ember

Airship Canon

On the other hand, I suppose I'm bit of a wuss for this, but I after writing it out, do not currently suppose I could've honestly gone thru with the original. (I actually feel really really bad for offing this character, but I have to remind myself, had she not died, I couldn't justify the actions the plot is about to take.)

Would you like me to give you some advice concerning the "wuss-dom?"

Go ahead- shoot. (Although, for the case of what I was doing, it's already a done-deal.)

If you're afraid that you're going to seem like a wuss for doing something, then you will never truly act with bravery. If I'm afraid that people will say I'm a freak for posting a piece of my blog, then I won't do it. They attack me because they don't like me. If I give up before they attack me, they've already won.

If someone is wuss for not wanting to be around graphic violence, then I would have no problem being called a wuss. There is no reason why one should be able to hand gore or disturbing content. The people who can handle that stuff are dissociated. They disconnect from their feelings. They aren't truly brave for this disconnection. Those that are truly brave admit when they're afraid and act accordingly.

In short, you're saying do what I want and don't care about what others think, and "Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the strength to go forward in spite of it."

However, I've got to wonder, in my scenario, what's the "act accordingly"? I mean, obviously, I can tell, it was "do not chicken the hell out and let a character who's supposed to die live for the sake of being too worried about it" at very least- because that death is pivotal to plot. (It's by all means, "the call".) But what of the self-censor? What do you think of that?

I must say, I felt confused while reading your response. I'll try my best to address everything. I am not saying that you are confusing or that I cannot comprehend what you're saying even though it's very clear. I just mean to say that I am confused.

The quote about courage is close to what I mean. If the fear is too overwhelming, then one admits that it's overwhelming. I think it's admirable to admit that one is afraid. Most people deny their fear, anger, and sadness and won't admit that they feel that way. When everyone is dead silent, even a whisper is daring.

When I say act accordingly, what I mean is that the person acts to the best of their rational judgement. That is an excellent question, by the way. Maybe her death is essential to the plot. Maybe her surviving changes what you thought the plot would be. I know I've ended up changing a story midstream. There is no right answer when it comes to a story. There are better, but there is no best. Three acceptable actions (of many, many, many) that I see are kill her and force yourself through, don't kill her and restructure, or stop writing the story.

Well, I am a total amateur when it comes to psychology. I understand myself sort of well, and I can tell you when I've blocked things. There seem to be two major reasons why I block something that I'm writing. One is that I don't want to admit it happened to me, e.g. some scenes with an abusive father. Two is that I don't want to admit that this is what my mind is like. In the first, the block was meant to protect me from exploring this painful area. The second, is that by proxy it means that something dark has happened in my life, and I don't want to further explore those things. Well, I guess it's one major reason for me. My self-censorship helps me pretend that I am less traumatized than I actually am. Maybe it's a similar thing for you. I recommend journaling and seeking a therapist. Both have allowed me to explore some of my blocks.

I think I've answered all of your questions. Let me know. I still feel confused when I read your post.

I've noticed that you've called yourself a wuss and a chicken a few times. I'm sorry to hear that you're using such names on yourself. This is called self-attack. In my experience, I attack myself because I learned that to call myself these names will prevent others from doing so. I learned to call myself these names from other people. I have to ask, was there someone who would call you a wuss, chicken, coward, etc. in your childhood? Or did they make it a virtue out of being extremely super brave?