Criticisms on my story idea?

[LadyvonCrumplebottom]

I've been tossing this story idea in my head for the last couple of months. I haven't really started to truly write it because I'm not sure if it would be a good read or not. Indeed, I don't want to pour my heart into something that turns out to be cliched, dull, predictable, etc. So I am here to present to you all a basic outline of what ideas I have for it thus far. Mind you that it's in its infantile stage and I'm sure that there are plenty of kinks to iron out, but I'd just like to know if the overall plot would be something people would want to read! While reading my outline, please keep these things in mind:

1. Are there any cliches? Has the story been done a thousand times before?
2. Are the character's names good, or are they dull?
3. Is there enough drama and conflict to keep readers interested, or is it just predictable nonsense?

The main characters are Serena DeLuca, from whose point of view this is written, and Lex Richards. Serena and Lex met during a high school play in which the two were seniors. Serena worked as part of the props crew whereas Lex was a supporting actor. I have two ideas for how they first meet. A. The two meet when Serena helps a crying child who wants Lex's autograph; B. Serena is ordered to run a prop/wig/something to Lex. Serena is soon invited to attend the cast party by the director, where the two characters get to know each other better. The two lose touch after that evening and go separate ways after graduation.

Five years later, they are seniors in college. I haven't decided on Serena's major (not that it truly matters), but Lex is a major in performing arts and an aspiring actor. They meet once more while on the bus to the campus, where they catch up. This time, they become best friends and grow rather close. During winter break they decide to take a day trip to a city (which one is undecided). They talk about their respective relationships and other personal matters. However, snowy weather conditions prevent them from driving back home so they have to rent a motel room. As far as the motel room scene, I have two ideas: A. They have to share a bed, but nothing happens; B. Lex teaches Serena how to kiss after she reveals that she has never done so.

Serena wakes up the next morning and feels guilty after realizing that she may have possibly cheated on her boyfriend. Over breakfast, Lex consoles her and ensures her that they did nothing wrong, but asks her if she wished that more happened. She does not respond. The two make it home and during a day at college Lex notices Serena sitting under a tree in the courtyard. After some talking, Lex kisses Serena. It turns out that both of them had been thinking of the night at the motel room. From then on, the two take part in a secret friends-with-benefits relationship.

Three more years pass by. Serena works as a file clerk/secretary/something and Lex has reluctantly given up on his dreams of becoming an actor. He settles for a job as a salesman to pay off his student loans. Serena marries her college boyfriend, as does Lex and his old high school sweetheart (some point later on). Serena visits Lex at his apartment the night before her wedding, wearing her gown as she just got back from the ceremony rehearsal. The two eventually make love for the first time.

Parts of the story show how their respective marriages deteriorate, and how Lex and Serena meet up once in a while to escape the chaos. Serena meets Lex's family while visiting his house, revisit the city they once took a road trip to, or perhaps any other ideas I may have. The two eventually have an argument after Lex discovers that Serena had been fooling around with a coworker when she comes late to their meeting spot. She asks why he cares since they're not a couple anyway. He does not respond. Serena's husband eventually learns of the betrayal and promptly files for divorce. I want to make something for Lex's wife, and I have the following ideas: A. She commits suicide; B. She dies of a disease; C. She leaves him; or D. Something else I'm not sure of yet.

Once Lex and Serena's respective marriages fall apart, Lex proposes marriage to Serena. She's hesitant and says that they do not deserve each other nor happiness after all that they have done, but Lex convinces her that it's the right thing to do after all of these years. Serena accepts. On their way to the courthouse, the car swerves in snow and crashes. As Lex is dying from his injuries, Serena writes this story in the hospital, admitting that neither of them truly do not deserve happiness in the end. Not even in the afterlife, she says, will they be together.

[terradi]

The idea of her having a boyfriend but never having kissed him at that age is kind of weird. Maybe wondering if other guys do it differently/better or if she's not confident about her kissing skills. Or if she is extremely religious and simply not comfortable with getting that close until the relationship is very serious (I have one of those in my family).

Other than that though, I think you have a workable storyline. Whether it's good or not is all going to depend on how you write it.

[LadyvonCrumplebottom]

terradi

The idea of her having a boyfriend but never having kissed him at that age is kind of weird. Maybe wondering if other guys do it differently/better or if she's not confident about her kissing skills. Or if she is extremely religious and simply not comfortable with getting that close until the relationship is very serious (I have one of those in my family).

Other than that though, I think you have a workable storyline. Whether it's good or not is all going to depend on how you write it.

Yeah, I thought so too. But as I said, it was just a thought. I do like the her being religious thing, though. Thanks for your critique! biggrin

[terradi]

If you go the religious route, I think you'll almost have to weave in another subplot of her struggling with her faith and what her faith says about infidelity. She could dismiss it, then have it come back to bite her hard at the very, very end when there is little left.

[LadyvonCrumplebottom]

terradi

If you go the religious route, I think you'll almost have to weave in another subplot of her struggling with her faith and what her faith says about infidelity. She could dismiss it, then have it come back to bite her hard at the very, very end when there is little left.

Oooh, I can do that! I can put in a chapter or two where she goes to church, or she throws up after each encounter with Lex because of her guilt. Many possibilities!

[Kairi Nightingale]

Most rough drafts turn out cliche, dull, and predictable. It's editing and working out the execution and story details that make a story good. No matter what idea, whether it turns out good or not depends entirely on how you end up writing it and the development of the idea. Cliches are just badly written tropes after all. They can work as long as you develop and write them as such.

As long as the names make sense with the setting and character backgrounds (basically, would their parents name them that?) then the names should be fine no matter what you choose. Robocop's name is Alex. Inspector Gadget's name was John Brown in the movies. Spiderman's name is Peter. Many iconic characters actually have really common names. Whether the name itself is interesting enough to you is another question but most readers care more about the character the name belongs to.

Whether it's predictable, interesting, and dramatic enough or not depends on how you write it. I've read great books on what seemed like a very simple idea. I've read horrible books with great ideas.

With that said, it's an idea. It does need development, some of which you've already pointed out like with Serena's college major (it might only get a mention, but could possibly tell us a lot about her as a person). The city they go to could also offer activities for them to either grow close to each other with similar interests and overcoming differences. For how they first met, I would go with option B) Serena running a prop if only because I have a hard time picturing a crying child wanting his autograph for a high school play unless it was his little cousin or brother or something.

I also find it hard to believe that she's never kissed until now. And even if she's never kissed, she doesn't exactly need a lesson to learn how to. She could simply work on it with her boyfriend when she's ready; It rubs me the wrong way that she lets Lex "teach her" when she really doesn't need any help (never mind me wondering why Lex feels the need to teach someone how to kiss just because they never had). Plus, she won't kiss her boyfriend but lets her best friend give her practice? What? (This is assuming that Lex actually kisses her to do this. I suppose he could just describe it or use a pillow to demonstrate or something, which could be either pretty funny or pretty awkward depending on the execution.)

I guess it's possible that a motel could only have one bedroom left and it just happened to be a one bed room, but it's unlikely unless it's extremely busy. I'm assuming they're still in the city so why not just look for other motel/hotel options?

If it's feel that it's awkward, why doesn't one of them volunteer sleeping on the floor or something? It should be fine if the room has a heater. They could also ask for an extra blanket. Or maybe it's not awkward to both or one of them and they manage to convince the other it's fine. I guess in that case it could work alright. But the mention that Serena is worried that she might have jeopardized her relationship with her boyfriend makes me think she wasn't alright with it. And if you end up going the religious route, she might be completely against sharing a bed. You need to develop both characters more to figure out how this might work.

Speaking of relationships, make sure you flesh out both of their significant others as well as how their relationship is. Even if they don't get screen time in the end, figuring out the partners will help lay down the relationship issues and how Lex and Serena have reacted to them so far. What are the issues? Are they severe enough that the partner should or is thinking about leaving? Why would they stay together?

The part after this starts making me uncomfortable for many reasons. First, the friends-with-benefits thing refers to a relationship where two people without significant others want physical contact, such as making out and sex, without the emotional commitment of the relationship. Kind of like one night stands except consistently with the same person. That's what the movie was about and that's how the urban dictionary describes it.

The situation you describe with Serena and Lex is not friends-with-benefits. They're both in relationships, they both have the opportunity to have that physical contact as well as the emotional connection with their significant others. The only reason why they would kiss or make love while already in a relationship is that they have an emotional attachment to each other. That's cheating. When they get married and still do it, that's having an affair. You can say they're both in hard relationships and are being denied support, which can elicit some sympathy from some readers, but it doesn't change the fact that it's an affair.

And it won't elicit any sympathy from me. Not unless they are with really bad people and end up leaving them as soon as they realize they don't love their boy/girl friends or they give each other courage to end the relationship or some such. This is personal opinion, but I take loyalty very seriously. I hate it when people get into affairs.

Sometimes, very rarely but sometimes, I can let it pass. For instance, if two people are married but no longer love each other and both are fine with the other dating and having affairs because they don't want to go through a messy divorce, then maybe I can let it slide. I saw it in a show once and figured, well, at least they have a solid reason for not leaving each other even if they married couple in question were both still creeps. (I should mention that they were both supposed to be unlikable anyway).

Another case would be if the couple were eager to get away from each other and already initiated a divorce, but hadn't made it official yet. Then, I can understand one of them starting to date early in an anticipation that they will no longer be married. But both of these cases have reasons why they or why they don't break up and start fooling around with other people.

That's something I feel you're missing: if Lex and Serena are having issues that are so bad that they are willing to see each other behind their backs, then why do they stay with their spouses? Why don't they break up? Why does Serena marry that guy? Hell, she even went behind his back after a wedding rehearsal to see Lex. That's just... wrong. (Why would she still be wearing her wedding dress after the rehearsal? Most rehearsals aren't done in the formal wear meant for the real deal; it's just practice and would ruin the big bride/groom reveal during the actual wedding. And common sense would dictate that she change right after so that she doesn't ruin the dress for the big day.)

But big thing remains - she's cheating. She's cheating, she does it with more than one guy later, she does it before she gets married, during the wedding preparations, and after the marriage. Why would she marry someone if she was just going to cheat on them all the time? And Lex looks to be in the same boat. Note that this is a personal pet peeve of mine that no amount of writing can fix unless you change the situation. So take that as you will. There are readers who would read this, but I'm not that interested in stories with a lot of infidelity from the characters I'm supposed to like.

I feel more sorry for their spouses. One of them might die because of Lex's actions as implied by the suicide option. Unless you try make her die just to free him up through the illness, which could send the wrong message: Lex doesn't leave her even though it's clear he cares for Serena and has for a long time. Serena's husband leaves her and hopefully tells her to go to hell for her betrayal before doing it. Lex just has to wait for her to die and then immediately wants to get married to Serena. I mean, I have a feeling you'll have him react to the death emotionally but makes me feel that his wife loses more than he does.

I think Serena's husband does the right thing; He realized she's been really disloyal with him, has been running into another man's arms to escape issues instead of working them out, and has been doing it before and after their marriage. Granted, he could've suggested marriage counseling or something if he wanted to give it a second chance, but there's no mention of her trying to do anything like that. Seeking counseling would depend on what kind of guy he is. But I hope you can see why I'm not a big fan of either character right now.

Unless, you want to go for the whole unlikable protagonists thing. But you have Lex die at the end. That was a curve ball, I admit. But why? What would his death serve to do in this story? You don't want to kill a major character just for shock value or to force a tragic ending. I admit, I wouldn't have been very happy if they ended up married and happy together after all the unforgivable cheating they did but... I don't feel that a relationship based on years of sneaking behind their spouses backs is something I should believe is a great love that died tragically with Lex or anything like that. They could've broken up with their partners and gotten together from the start. Nothing was preventing them from doing that. If they really loved each other, they could've broken up, gotten together, and been fine. If that had happened - if they had taken initiative and finally decided to break up with their spouses (whether because of each other or because of the issues in their relationship), it might've worked. But that's not what happens. So when Serena 'admits' that they didn't deserve each other or deserve true happiness... well, it just doesn't fit to me. I also don't understand what Lex meant by them getting together would be the right thing to do.

Well, unless between the time their spouses left them and they got together, they both did some thinking and realized their faults. Maybe they try to make up with their spouses - not get to together again but try to apologize in some way. They could both decide to be better people, maybe even meet up and talk about how they plan to change themselves. Maybe they decide to finally get together, help each other through their change. Then Lex dies. It would be really tragic then. Serena would have to either make the changes on her own, without Lex's support.

It all really depends on what you're going for with this story and these characters. Intent plays a big role. Is Lex and Serena supposed to be likable or am I supposed to see them as having affairs being a horrible act? What are you trying to say with this story? What is the lesson here? I think that's the big thing I may be lost on. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding your intent, which is why it rubs me the wrong way.

Again, this is all my own opinion. My opening comments still stand: you're the writer. Write what you want. There are readers for everything. Cliches are just badly written story. Develop an idea enough, write it, and edit it well. I hope you take some of my suggestions into consideration when developing the idea more, but it's up to you. I wish you the best of luck with the story, no matter what you do. ^.^

(Edit: I like the religious aspect of her going to church and having guilty reactions after each act of adultery. But it goes on for a long while, so she'll have to either get over it or stop it at some point.)

[Starry Starry Fright]

So... it's like an even bleaker version of The Notebook?

For serious, though, it's incredibly difficult to critique an idea. 'Bland' ideas can be brilliant in the hands of great writers, and great ideas can be ruined by bad writers. My favourite example of this is J.D. Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye" - the book is a giant, plotless mess about a teenage boy who wanders aimlessly around New York City for three days... and it's one of the most successful, critically-acclaimed books of all time.

Stalling because you're not sure if your idea is good enough is a great way to never write anything. If you're waiting on a perfect idea that's completely original and enthralling, you are going to be waiting a long time. Besides, even the most well-planned outline never gets followed to the letter; characters will take on a life of their own, events will change, and the story will evolve.

Go open up a word document right now and start writing. We will give you feedback when you have a story to show us.

[LadyvonCrumplebottom]

Kairi Nightingale

Wow! I'm very happy to have an in-depth analysis of my outline! You're very right on a lot of things, and some of these things I haven't realized until you brought it up. This is why I want people's opinions, after all :3

Reviewing what I wrote and everyone's opinions thus far, I've realized that some things are rather awkward and unrealistic in the real world. You bring up many good points that I will seriously consider. Thank you soooo much heart

Starry Starry Fright

Dang, I forgot about The Notebook D: Thanks for your encouragement! smile

[Elder Brother]

LadyvonCrumplebottom

terradi

The idea of her having a boyfriend but never having kissed him at that age is kind of weird. Maybe wondering if other guys do it differently/better or if she's not confident about her kissing skills. Or if she is extremely religious and simply not comfortable with getting that close until the relationship is very serious (I have one of those in my family).

Other than that though, I think you have a workable storyline. Whether it's good or not is all going to depend on how you write it.

Yeah, I thought so too. But as I said, it was just a thought. I do like the her being religious thing, though. Thanks for your critique! biggrin

Agreed. as for option D: Lex's wife should get revenge. she should do something terrible to him physically or even better, in his professional life (acting) to humiliate him. He should try to get her back, but in vain. in the end (should you accept this), you would have two new options: leave him with nothing or leave him with Selena, and he is the only thing Selena has left to go back to as well.

[I_Write_Ivre]

First: Don't worry about cliches or names. Names aren't that important and cliches can be fixed, often by pouring your heart into something AND making it work via changes.

Onto the story: A kid would not likely want an autograph from a high school actor unless he was the kid's brother or something. I don't think it'd be unusual for a stagehand or helper to be invited to the high school cast party.

I can find it possible that she's never kissed and has a boyfriend if she's REALLY uptight (even today, some women don't want to kiss until engaged or be seen naked until marriage), but if she was that uptight, she'd NEVER 'learn to kiss' with someone who wasn't her boyfriend. As a former TA and teacher getting married to another former TA, I've never heard of girls learning to kiss beyond middle school and usually in grade or elementary--also often from other girls.

It's REALLY hard to break into acting and the environment for actors these days is worse than decades ago from what I hear (this is due to the fall of the B-movie and rise of the blockbuster). At his age, he'd at best have a role as an extra in a car commercial or be in a community theater.

Unless they give no shits about their spouse, people don't hook up with others as friends with benefit without clearing it with said spouse. While people are more open these days, all relationships are based on trust in order to work.

If she's so guilt-ridden about not deserving him, why agree to marry him?

It'd be a much more endearing story told by the spouse who uncovered this at HER funeral. The woman you loved had this on-again-off-again relationship with a stranger since long before you knew her. You trusted that man ever since she introduced him to you as her best friend and thanked him for saving your marriage as she grew happier, only to find out not only had he stolen her more and more from you, but as he was about to take her away completely, he's responsible for her death. As little as she cared about you, you loved her and your children with her with all your heart.

Told by her, it's like watching Titanic; you just feel more and more sorry for the man who came after Jack--you lived through two world wars and the depression with her, saw technology and history change several times, raised kids and grandkids, only to find out on national television she never loved anyone but some charismatic bum she knew for a few days.

[Kairi Nightingale]

LadyvonCrumplebottom

Wow! I'm very happy to have an in-depth analysis of my outline! You're very right on a lot of things, and some of these things I haven't realized until you brought it up. This is why I want people's opinions, after all :3

Reviewing what I wrote and everyone's opinions thus far, I've realized that some things are rather awkward and unrealistic in the real world. You bring up many good points that I will seriously consider. Thank you soooo much heart

I'm glad I was able to help. I was really hoping I didn't come off as too harsh. sweatdrop I think the idea has good potential. Best of luck!

[LadyvonCrumplebottom]

Thank you all for your critiques! I plan on omitting some of the ideas and sharing new ones soon! First drafts are usually messy and awkward, but I hope to work hard to make it great! biggrin