Age gap in romance

[Maltese_Falcon91]

Yes, it was common in history to marry of a woman as soon as possible to an older man in the medieval era. As was putting animals on trial for crimes, or using sheep's urine as a contraceptive, or using cobwebs to cure warts.

Fantasy is not, and has never been about authenticity. Research into the past can used to help flesh out a setting, but your readers are always going to be from the present.

In this case, your readers aren't identifying with your protagonist and there's a backlash against her relationship with her mentor. I'd try showing it off to more people. If you keep getting told that yes, it's weird as hell then it's something I'd look into changing.

[I_Write_Ivre]

Perhaps pointing out that there's nothing weird about it, in either the past or the present, is needed.

If they focus on the age gap, was it emphasized too much or was the point that it doesn't matter not emphasized enough? (Do be careful with this. If you're not subtle enough, it'll be counterproductive).

[Kita-Ysabell]

I wouldn't say that I have enough investment in this discussion to call what I'm going to do "playing devils' advocate" but I would like to bring up issues about age differences in romantic relationships so that you (and here I address the OP) might be able to consider how your story addresses or fails to address said issues. Personally, I would be worried if someone I knew who was 18 was dating someone over 30, and if I was reading a book about such a situation and the book didn't take some issue with it, I would probably stop reading, but I can also see it being executed in a manner that wouldn't put me off.

Point 1: There is a difference between what is historically accurate and what is a good idea. Our ancestors were idiots, and a lot of things they thought or did (racism, genocide, monarchy, the earth being flat, so on and so forth) have since been discredited. Saying that just because it happened makes it okay is an is/ought fallacy, and it's not a legitimate argument.

It's strange and dumb to have historical characters mysteriously have modern mindsets (Victorian feminists did not look like modern feminists, so plonking some dude with a modern view of sex and gender identity in Victorian Boston would be unrealistic) but that doesn't mean that the book has to condone their outdated behavior. It can be a subtle line to walk, but one measure of it is to look at how what the story defines as real is different from what the characters think it is.

Point 2: I think that one major issue to look at in relationships being "creepy" is how the balance of power sits between the participating parties. No matter what age the participants are, having a romance between an office worker and their boss means that the boss could essentially blackmail the office worker into it, whether they do or not. And once that power differential exists outside of the relationship-- society places more power in the hands of one party than in the hands of another-- it's hard for it to not translate into a difference of power within the relationship, and that's starts messing with consent, because one party is more able to refuse consent than another.

And, as a rule, older people have more power than younger people. They've had more time to work their way up the meritocracy, to develop ethos with those around them, and to build any sort of network of influence. There are some situations where a younger person would have more power than an older one, but they are in opposition to the trend. So, with a few exceptions, a difference in age automatically transfers to a difference in power, and that's not good for a relationship sitting well with your audience.

Point 3: You'd have to get more into psychology to really flesh this out, but there's a good reason for the taboo against parent-child romance: the roles of the parent/child attachment and romantic partnership are contradictory in some ways. And, as a mentorship takes on some aspects of a parent/child relationship, having it evolve into a romance would leave one or both participants needing to act in two different ways at once. And no, I can't make that any more vague.

Point 4: Our ancestors were dumb, but kids are dumber. The reason that, legally, kids under 18 can't consent (I'm talking US here) is that they really aren't capable of the reasoning to make that decision. And in fact, it isn't until 25 that the parts of their brains that do that reasoning are fully developed. Add to that the lack of experience on which to draw, and the fact that they're more likely to let someone older do their decision-making for them, and we get back to Things That Mess With Consent.

So why is it not creepy when all parties in a romantic relationship are underage? Well, if it is a mistake, there's no one who should have known better. And there's it issue of everyone has about as little power as everyone else, again. And kids don't plan for the long term: very few high school romances are expected by any party to result in lifelong marriage or partnership. They make a mistake, they learn from it, they move on. There's a certain learning curve, and after about 25-30, that stops being true.

So, could you write a relationship with a wide age gap that addresses all these issues or has some reason for them to not apply, or you could write it with the knowledge that it is kinda creepy and messed up. Things don't have to be perfect for you to write about them. But see the above re: writing about things that are historically accurate without necessarily condoning them.

[justadarling]

Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury had the most adorable chapter about a young man who fell in love with a very old woman crying A lot of the other kids in my class ( I was a freshman at the time) thought it was gross. But I thought it was lovely.

Anyway, I don't care about age gaps really. The only time I think an age gap is too much is if one of the people is younger than 16 and the other is much older, depending on the setting.

[Tsuki Z]

el hombre luchadore

Tsuki Z

However, my friends who are my critics, really, really hated it because they said it was "icky".

how old are your friends? by medieval times this kind of thing had been going on for a thousand years or more. as for modern times, i would advise that the younger character be at least 18. 18 & 38? it happens in real life anyway. look up 'elektra syndrome' it's basically the female version of oedipus syndrome.

We're all 19.
And I'm keeping from 18 years old for the modern setting since they are already married. And I don't think it's really the case of Electra. Just an older man and a young woman looking for a faithful, loving partner and finding it in each other.

[Tsuki Z]

Per Noctem

Yeah… No. Your friends are being utterly ridiculous.

They're both adults, they're consenting, deal with it. Compared to some of the vampire romances I've read, that is excellent. Romance is not my genre, but I don't mind it being a part of a story, and I would hardly care that there is a large age-gap… Especially back when it was far more common than having someone your own age with you.

Hell, I personally feel that such relationships are more interesting, really. There's more to think about and more to weigh. Makes for a more interesting setup. Go for it, and ignore the comments about it being "icky". Write it.

Yes, ma'am or sir, it's hard to tell over the internet. I'm always one for something a bit different when it comes to writing.

[Tsuki Z]

Maltese_Falcon91

Yes, it was common in history to marry of a woman as soon as possible to an older man in the medieval era. As was putting animals on trial for crimes, or using sheep's urine as a contraceptive, or using cobwebs to cure warts.

Fantasy is not, and has never been about authenticity. Research into the past can used to help flesh out a setting, but your readers are always going to be from the present.

In this case, your readers aren't identifying with your protagonist and there's a backlash against her relationship with her mentor. I'd try showing it off to more people. If you keep getting told that yes, it's weird as hell then it's something I'd look into changing.

It's on wattpad, and so far, it seems to be going fine. No nasty pm's about it.
I write almost exclusively on that time period and because of that, I tend to go out of my way to read books and watch documentaries on it.
However, in this story, since I'm focussing more on magic and scholars, I did add on a bit; for example my friend was curious to know why I took the time to write that there are street lamps lit with candles.
I had to explain to her that in those times, there were no such thing. And even then, I got a funny look.

[Tsuki Z]

I_Write_Ivre

Perhaps pointing out that there's nothing weird about it, in either the past or the present, is needed.

If they focus on the age gap, was it emphasized too much or was the point that it doesn't matter not emphasized enough? (Do be careful with this. If you're not subtle enough, it'll be counterproductive).

I have pointed it out more than once in the story in the form of dialogue. The character in question is more worried at the fact he's her mentor at some points as well.

[Tsuki Z]

lppurplegirl11

Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury had the most adorable chapter about a young man who fell in love with a very old woman crying A lot of the other kids in my class ( I was a freshman at the time) thought it was gross. But I thought it was lovely.

Anyway, I don't care about age gaps really. The only time I think an age gap is too much is if one of the people is younger than 16 and the other is much older, depending on the setting.

This book looks pretty interesting actually.
I'd rather not write a sixteen year old on reasons, I don't like the idea of someone so young, yes; young, being so focussed on a relationship above all else. I had a friend like that in high school; it wasn't the best of things for her.
The character is a bit older, with a taste of the real world. I thought that might help her make a more mature decision.
But be it older woman or older man, love is love. But from one of the articles I read, it's usually harder for an older woman and a younger man to stay together, since the better match is usually if the man is more mature than the woman. Unless of course, it's the woman's personality to want to be more mature than the man in the first place.

[el hombre luchadore]

Tsuki Z

el hombre luchadore

Tsuki Z

However, my friends who are my critics, really, really hated it because they said it was "icky".

how old are your friends? by medieval times this kind of thing had been going on for a thousand years or more. as for modern times, i would advise that the younger character be at least 18. 18 & 38? it happens in real life anyway. look up 'elektra syndrome' it's basically the female version of oedipus syndrome.

We're all 19.
And I'm keeping from 18 years old for the modern setting since they are already married. And I don't think it's really the case of Electra. Just an older man and a young woman looking for a faithful, loving partner and finding it in each other.

i didn't mean that every case was Elektra syndrome, i was just giving an example. still i should point out that even if you don't write the story to be about elektra and instead make it about two adults who consent because they want partners for more obvious reasons, your own subconscious mind may be choosing to address this issue because of your knowledge of (or in the case of some writers, experience with) various syndromes. that's why it's easier to learn about someone drom what they write than it is to learn from what they say. this rant isn't so much aimed at you as it is at people who refuse to believe that psychology can create feelings that can be mistaken for love. i believe that love exists, but sometimes it's just a mechanical issue (insert rod A into slot B).

[Symphony of Magic]

Tsuki Z

Per Noctem

Yeah… No. Your friends are being utterly ridiculous.

They're both adults, they're consenting, deal with it. Compared to some of the vampire romances I've read, that is excellent. Romance is not my genre, but I don't mind it being a part of a story, and I would hardly care that there is a large age-gap… Especially back when it was far more common than having someone your own age with you.

Hell, I personally feel that such relationships are more interesting, really. There's more to think about and more to weigh. Makes for a more interesting setup. Go for it, and ignore the comments about it being "icky". Write it.

Yes, ma'am or sir, it's hard to tell over the internet. I'm always one for something a bit different when it comes to writing.

Ma'am is correct. I am indeed female.

A slight bit of difference makes for the best stories, in my humble opinion.

[Tsuki Z]

Per Noctem

Tsuki Z

Per Noctem

Yeah… No. Your friends are being utterly ridiculous.

They're both adults, they're consenting, deal with it. Compared to some of the vampire romances I've read, that is excellent. Romance is not my genre, but I don't mind it being a part of a story, and I would hardly care that there is a large age-gap… Especially back when it was far more common than having someone your own age with you.

Hell, I personally feel that such relationships are more interesting, really. There's more to think about and more to weigh. Makes for a more interesting setup. Go for it, and ignore the comments about it being "icky". Write it.

Yes, ma'am or sir, it's hard to tell over the internet. I'm always one for something a bit different when it comes to writing.

Ma'am is correct. I am indeed female.

A slight bit of difference makes for the best stories, in my humble opinion.

And it sets a story apart from most. The only danger is that a lot of people won't find it their cup of tea.

[Tsuki Z]

el hombre luchadore

Tsuki Z

el hombre luchadore

Tsuki Z

However, my friends who are my critics, really, really hated it because they said it was "icky".

how old are your friends? by medieval times this kind of thing had been going on for a thousand years or more. as for modern times, i would advise that the younger character be at least 18. 18 & 38? it happens in real life anyway. look up 'elektra syndrome' it's basically the female version of oedipus syndrome.

We're all 19.
And I'm keeping from 18 years old for the modern setting since they are already married. And I don't think it's really the case of Electra. Just an older man and a young woman looking for a faithful, loving partner and finding it in each other.

i didn't mean that every case was Elektra syndrome, i was just giving an example. still i should point out that even if you don't write the story to be about elektra and instead make it about two adults who consent because they want partners for more obvious reasons, your own subconscious mind may be choosing to address this issue because of your knowledge of (or in the case of some writers, experience with) various syndromes. that's why it's easier to learn about someone drom what they write than it is to learn from what they say. this rant isn't so much aimed at you as it is at people who refuse to believe that psychology can create feelings that can be mistaken for love. i believe that love exists, but sometimes it's just a mechanical issue (insert rod A into slot B).

Yeah, plenty of cases I've seen of this is that the girl didn't have a proper father figure and is looking for one in the relationship instead or the man just wants a 'baby doll' to pamper and treat like a little girl.
I don't think it falls right into the Electra syndrome though.

[Maltese_Falcon91]

Tsuki Z

It's on wattpad, and so far, it seems to be going fine. No nasty pm's about it.

That seems promising. Do you know how many readers you've got so far?

Tsuki Z

However, in this story, since I'm focussing more on magic and scholars, I did add on a bit; for example my friend was curious to know why I took the time to write that there are street lamps lit with candles.
I had to explain to her that in those times, there were no such thing. And even then, I got a funny look.

... Street lamps lit with candles? Um, yeah in Medieval times those were a thing. The concept of street lights dates back to the Greek and Roman civilizations.

[Lazarus Larkin]

lppurplegirl11

Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury had the most adorable chapter about a young man who fell in love with a very old woman crying A lot of the other kids in my class ( I was a freshman at the time) thought it was gross. But I thought it was lovely.

Anyway, I don't care about age gaps really. The only time I think an age gap is too much is if one of the people is younger than 16 and the other is much older, depending on the setting.

Oh my GOD that chapter. I re-read that book a couple of years ago (I'd read it in high school as well) and was just bawling my eyes out at it. Definitely a good example of a huge age gap romance done REALLY WELL. But the age difference was totally addressed in that story as well, which I think makes a big difference.

Personally, I don't necessarily mind age gaps as long as the gap is acknowledged, and both parties are adults. There are so many other issues that can come into play regarding imbalance in a relationships and age is just one of them.