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Just an idea.


When I look inside the mirror
I see a lost soul
So confused and lost by what he is told to feel
He knows what to think but he’s afraid it’s not real
So he conceals everything under a fake smile
He’s everything he hates, it’s been like this for a while
So until you walk a mile inside his shoes
Don’t ever tell him what to do, how to feel or who to be
Because Life is just a path and he’s following his own.


Oh yeah and the sexy thing was just to get you here. xp

You don't need to address yourself in the first line. It just doesn't work with the wording you have. Mess with the beginning a little, but it sounds rather cheap to address yourself in the first line the way you have it worded.
Too cliche. It can definitely be saved, but as is it's just too cliche.
Considering the only 'he' you could be referring to is the lost soul mentioned earlier (because you're not going to be jumping tenses, right? wink ), I think you're telling too much. If you want to start in on the lost soul, start a new stanza. Don't keep it flowing when you had originally began this stanza concerning yourself.
The first line is just terribly cliche and overused. I really suggest just striking it and moving on with the poem differently. In the second line is basically cliche and overused like the firstt one, but I like how you ended it "it's been like this for a while." Maybe it adds that hopeless feel into the 'lost soul' play. But mess around with the beginning of that line. Also; did you intend for it to rhyme?
Could easily be said in a much better way. In order the end the poem you way you wished, you forced yourself away from whatever meter you had connected in the beginning, but remember that there's always a way to say it that fits your structure. And then just remember to show, not tell. We want to be there for it, see it and feel it the way you're imagining it. Don't let it all be about telling us everything, just show us and let us interpret.

You have a lot of potential, dude. biggrin

True, a little clichéd, but I liked the lines,

'He knows what to think, but he's afraid it's not real', and

'He's everything he hates, it's been like this for awhile'.

The first part of the last one is pretty overused, but the last part is good. . . . of course, I may just be liking this poem because my head is making me listen to it to the tune of 'Sic Transit Gloria' by Brand New, and if you put just about anything to the tune of the verses it sounds good.

The topic's overused, but maybe if you tried something different it would work better? You have a couple of really good phrases and ways of putting it all, so maybe it's just that the whole thing is a little clichéd.

Maybe it's an acrostic that ends with an unpronounceable word. surprised

Or maybe it's Hebrew or something.

Maybe its the unspeakable word which destroys the world if anyone pronounces it. domokun heart