My first boyfriend I feel terrible for. I was with him nearly over a year, we met in highschool. I was going through a hard time with an eating disorder, and I was a horrible self injurer and being with him didn't make me stop any of those things. He'd get so upset, he'd yell at me and grab and ask if I felt better then him not eating. His mother hates me, thinks I was a coke head the entire time. And I wasn't. She was upset I broke up with him and jumped into a different relationship thinking things would get better for my head. He still tried to be friends with me, still tried to come over and hang out WITH the new person I was with. He really loved me, but he also sheltered me and didn't let me outside and be independent. And I can't stand not being able to do my own things. I resent him because he made me hold him higher then a lot of things. Which was my fault. I sold horses and gave up my life, no wonder I never got better. He STILL tries to talk to me occasionally, much to the distaste of my current bf; which I dropped all contact.
My second ex was a meth head loser that dragged me into a terrible engagement. He held it out for 3 years and pretended I was his everything. He helped me get healthy by pushing me passed my fears, but he never stopped my self injury. It got worse with him. He lied, cheated, and could never hold a job. He just wanted to smoke weed and hope things got better. I lost SO much money because of him, thousands of dollars to get our first apartment. To furnish it. To pay rent and utilities. I had SO much money that I had earned and worked for. And he flushed it every time he walked out of a job due to his anger issues, he always got upset. Always. He'd grab me, choke me, push me. He never hurt me, but he always put his hands on me. Now, not saying he didn't have reason. Either I'd gotten upset, cut or tried to leave. Tried to kill myself. He made my self esteem so low cheating so many times, I still feel ugly and insecure about everything because I never felt good enough. We lost our apartment not even a year in, and then he dragged me from couch to couch, friend to friend just so we had a place to sleep at night. He burned bridges with EACH and everyone of them, and even my parents. (My step dad always tried to wave a car over my head just to leave him, but I was blinded.) Either his anger got out of hand, or the roommates got tired of how he treated me and a fight would happen. And I'd follow like a whipped puppy. Until the last friend we stayed with was a female, and (notso) secretly they tried to cheat behind my back. But, my closest friend, who I was trying to hook up with the said female roommate at the time, kept telling me something fishy was going on. And when the b***h female texted him saying, "Oh, just so you know. I'm only talking to you because I don't want her thinking anything."
My best friend, who was more of an online friend for so many years I'd NEVER met but once irl(He lives in my city), drove 40 minutes to meet me at a gas station and show me what she'd been telling him, so much s**t that made my stomach hurt.
I'm with that friend now. He's awesome and I feel bad that I'm so insecure that he'll cheat/leave. He always assures me, but I ******** wish I'd never met that ********. He took so much away from me, and I'm still trying to build back up. sad But I can say, although we've only been together 2 years now, I have only cut once so long ago. He just approaches things logically, and makes me use my own power, to better myself because I can control anything I want. I just wish I could get over everything my ex put me through. I'd happy bash his face in upon sight, I'm not afraid of his p***y a** anymore.
Tl;dr, but omg, so good to get the animosity off my chest. <3 I've learned a lot.
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