I remember the look in your eyes,
When you were reaching out to me.
And I tried to help you.
But now I'm haunted,
By the hero that I couldn't be.
«✖º°¨°º✖ Đɑɱɩɑɳ Rɑɖke ✖º°¨°º✖»
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I know I shouldn't blame myself
For what I cannot control
It seems so impossible to ever let this go
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Why was he not surprised? Almost the whole school wondered that and more than half made some theory. A third actually Googled his name, creepy as it was. Damian pondered things for a while, deciding if he'd tell her anything or not. IF he told her how much to share. Would it be worth it or should he wait before choosing? When finally he decided he honestly had nothing to lose and that he had given up with the human race anyway he decided to just give her some basics that way she could ignore the rumors and know what was real. Clearing his throat softly because this was always strange to him, sharing his story even if it was at it's most basic. "Personal tragedy. If you Google you'll find the story, or the media's side of it. There was a house fire when I was young, I lost my kid sister. That's the story, the basic of the basic. So to be honest some pricks in school were right about some things but not all of it."
he said nonchalantly, making one wonder if his heart had become ice or not. There wasn't a trace of a tear or a quiver in his voice as he spoke although in truth this was a very difficult subject for him. It always had been and always would be. Out of his family the ONLY one he cared for was his sister but she was dead so that kind of told you a thing or two about his story.
Unsure how to take Lillian's words he simply moved his head to the side to glance at her, some strands of his bangs sliding over his light green-grey eyes. Did she just say she liked him? He didn't care of the context, it was the word and it's usage that got to him. Usually people only liked him due to looks and once people talked about him or anything like that then people just went their own way. Not understanding how people could toss words like those around so freely. Words like love, like, hate. He thought those words had long lost their meaning since to him most had turned cliche. if you thought about it, how many things did a person 'love' PER DAY if you were to tally it all? In one day a person would say things like "I LOVE that shirt/dessert/person/lover/animal/place." But the more you said it the more worthless it'd become. That little moment where he just stared at her silently as if he just couldn't understand her ended as he blinked away and went back to just messing with the leftovers of lunch, listlessly pushing around some veggies with the fork around as he focused on other things such as individuality and conformity. "If a person is untrue to themselves and their hearts then they honestly have no reason to live. Might as well be dead." he stated bluntly. Not singling her out or anything, he just meant to say that if you weren't yourself or did things against your better self then you died inside and were setting yourself up to fall. That only could lead to you breaking down and being a shell of a person with life to them other than to do the motions of life.
Making a comment about her native land, England, he asked her about it. Was there really a place called The Moors where there wasn't a single tree there due to years of tree chopping that left the land barren? How about the different dialects, how was that divided off into sections depending on where you lived? Now he wasn't the most knowledgeable about the country but he knew a little from movies and books, from history and literature class. Who better to ask that someone from there? After his questions stating almost like an after thought that he would like to travel the US and maybe, if he had the opportunity, Europe. After living in this TINY town anything sounded like a better place to visit. More exciting and intriguing. Here, there was nothing to really do here. Just the same sights, people...ALL the time. It wasn't like the big cities where you could travel a whole day and always find something new to discover. A new shop, a new neighborhood, a new building, or a new location you could travel to before coming back home late at night. No...here you could go outside of town but it wasn't really something that was done. It just was odd since he knew that if he EVER set a single toe outside the boundaries that nothing would stop him from just keep on going. That he wouldn't return. At the moment he still had things to settle, like finishing high school, so he couldn't just run away but he would soon. That or let his soul finally escape the cage of the body to find some escape and peace. Whichever came first as he mentioned before.
Well wasn't that a relief? Saved from having to worry about her one day going all fangirl over clothes he joked a little about how that meant he wouldn't be dragged to a store or have to hear a squeal over something appearing at a shop like almost every girl in school. Like whaaa, was that a new purse? Whaaa, was that the new fall season shoes from that big named brand? Psh get real, that was so petty, vain, and annoying. Now if it was a new model Gibson or Fender guitar then he'd be on it and possibly drooling as he looked from the windows into the shop before rushing in to give the instrument a try. What can he say, he was a guy who liked his music. A car, eh the only car he liked was vintage cars and Mustangs. Not something in abundance here, how sad.
Music electives were the only thing that really made school worthwhile to him. If it weren't for that class then he'd just roam around aimlessly this boring town. Sure he liked other classes but nothing compared to his pure love for music. He knew a handful of students like that who put their all into whatever medium of art they chose. In his opinion that was the best there was both for the person and for this place because it meant people actually cared for something other than themselves. The best art (whether music or on some sort of canvas) was the one in which the person actually FELT what they were doing. Not like half people who did things just to do it or because they had to.
Damian simply shook his head and said that although he'd be honest that he wasn't quite willing to share what happened over summer. It still pissed him off that he missed and didn't at least hit a vital organ. I mean come on he shot himself point blank with a gun, how the hell could that fail?! Jeez and then to see the people who birthed him pretend they cared about his well being while in the hospital but once home yell at him for bringing spotlight to their existence. Oh how he wished to shoot THEM instead but no, he couldn't since the gun had been confiscated and he wouldn't get satisfaction from killing those two. No, he hated them far too much and to free them from misery was a kindness he'd never grant them. Damian simply said that things kinda added up and that it wasn't a new though to him, to think about death. A twisted, bitter and sad, smile on his face. Eyes forlorn, gazing at nothing but making it seem like he was looking back at old memories. "Like I told the nosy shrink I got to go to after school until they deem me social acceptable and out of the 'at risk radar,' I don't find reason to keep going. This town is nothing, the people mostly trash. Maybe once out I'll find a purpose to life but at the moment I have no goal or purpose." Damian shrugged because he didn't think it was such a big deal. The real reason still hidden since he hadn't told anyone that his reason for living had been his sister. That all the promises towards a future had been for HER, so SHE could escape their household full of abuse and neglect. With her gone then he didn't care what happened to him, his whole reason for living had been Sammi but without her there nothing was there to keep him anchored. Even though he was being honest there was always more to the story, but he wasn't about to share Sammi with anyone. Not his broken promises or how he tried to save her only to fail. He still carried physical scars from that day, from the fire, but very few knew that. Those being topics he wouldn't even hint at to people because he hated that level of openness and vulnerability. To have something so personal known, but there was nothing wrong with half truths and incomplete information.
Unsure of what he just made happen he watched a little wide-eyed as Lillian broke down into silent tears. Did he say something wrong? He wouldn't know but he assumed he did. Nodding slowly as she spoke, processing the information he managed to erase the rumors that he now knew to be totally bogus. What Lillian had to say was tough since basically she was given green light by her parents but one person ruined it for her. Damian wondered just how Lillian would've been today if she still carried her and Sharif's child. His grey-green eyes narrowing softly as he recognized Sharif from one of the Six, understanding what could've made the guy join the pact in the first place. To date someone you loved, be told you were going to have a child by your partner, then have the person break up and tell you the child was a lie...well that was a pretty bad thing. Like a stab in the heart and gut. From that alone he couldn't blame the guy, it was a little surprising that Lillian didn't try to end things like Sharif did since she was the one who had life stolen from her. Because it WAS stolen since the child was taken from her against her wishes and she'd been forced asleep. Although Damian didn't know Lillian or her family all that well he had enough reason from that description to dislike her grandmother full of prejudice and forcing such a personal choice upon her.
Sighing he said what was on his mind, not minding to sugar coat things. "Even if she is family don't let her dictate your life. I don't care what influence she has over you, it is YOUR life and only YOU can do what you wish with it. Don't live with regrets. Don't give up what you love because then you'll end up like me. Fight, fight against the odds. Like you told me: be honest, that also means with yourself and your actions." Damian thought silently for a moment before deciding that he had nothing to lose, not really, so without regret or doubt offered to be there for her to get that guy out of her way. Due to personal experience he despised people like the ones she mentioned, if he was bugging her and making her afraid then nothing a good brawl and a restraining order wouldn't fix. Damian even went as far as to suggest that she tell the truth to Shariff despite everything since eh deserved the truth and to know that the one he gave to his heart wasn't the cruel person she made herself to believe. "Don't you think he deserves AT LEAST the truth? If you still feel for him and he can forgive you then why not run away with him? You guys are smart from what I've seen over the years, you'll figure something out." Leaving things at that because there was nothing he could add without assumptions or just crossing lines since he didn't know all the facts. Hoping that somehow he helped her although he doubted it, he doubted he was capable of helping anyone.