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Gekko

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Verdetta's avatar

Gekko

3,700 Points
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  • Tycoon 200
                                                          User ImageUser ImageUser Image
                                                                                                      Jin Tae Whang
                                                                                                        xxxxxxTeacher

                                                                                                    ROLE: Music Teacher
                                                                                                    COLOR: Rainbow
                                                                                                    GENDER: Male
                                                                                                    AGE: Thirty Three
                                                                                                    FACE CLAIM: Bin Won
                                                                                                    USERNAME: Alseia
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Gekko

3,700 Points
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                                                            SO THERE'S A TIME SKIP NOW.

                                                            It's nine days in the future. It's a Saturday and it's none other than our King, Woo Jin's, birthday! His party is scheduled to start at 8:00pm. Tonight is a night with no boundries and no rules! All the colors have been invited to the party. All colors have been instructed to leave their flags at home and any flags found in the party will sadly be confiscated. The party will take place in Woo Jin's home.

                                                            Though the party isn't until later. For now it is only 4 o' clock in the afternoon. There wasn't any class today so the students were left to their own devices. Feel free to do what you want. Today isn't a school day so colors don't truly apply today.

                                                            SEE YOU ALL AT THE PARTY!
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Gekko

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Wednesday June 5th, 2013.

What is it that scared me so much about three girls that taunted me over the internet? In truth it wasn't even taunting. One threatened to bash my skull in with a metal pipe because another had claimed that I had stolen their idea. The third followed along with their words and turned against me. It's so ironic now that I look back at it. Was that not what happened to me in middle school? One ring leader that decided that I was fat and ugly. The second that decided that I needed to be told to kill myself. And the third that was so afraid of being bullied herself that she followed along with the two ringleaders until she too was bullied by those she called her friends.

I claimed to know how to deal with sadness. With loneliness. But I am nothing. I am nothing and nothing more than nothing. I told myself that after the man I loved left me for another woman that I'd never love another person like that. I'd find a person so enamored with me that they wouldn't be able to love anyone else. I'd fall in love with someone not by my own choosing, but by seeing their own emotions. Such is even more so ironic than the first scenario. For now that I look back at it I chose to love a girl that I already knew loved another man. I told myself that loving her was such a foreign thing. That experiencing the pain I felt every time I saw the name of the man that she loved written in one of our chats. I thought it was so foreign, but coming to this account I remember the same feelings I felt. These feelings are no different and I am nothing more.

And I claimed to never surround myself with friends that prompted me to commit suicide. All through my healing phases I heard the words emo and scene as if dressing like them would justify the fact that I hated myself so much. That it was some sort of fashion phase like my friends at that point told me. That wearing scars on my wrists like twisted bracelets was fashionable. But I somehow convinced myself that I'd never surround myself with friends like that again. Yet here I am on this very day listening to a girl tell me how much hates herself and how much she wishes to disappear from this earth. And every time I hear these words. For days now. Every time I hear these words I recall the faint feeling inside of me that agrees with her. You shouldn't exist and I shouldn't exist. People who are weak like us don't survive in this wretched world. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are these strong and ethereal beings that will never break. In reality we're all broken at birth. We cry from birth. Doctors might say that our crying symbolizes life, but I have to agree. I feel like a baby cries because he or she knows that they are no longer in heaven. They've left God's hands and entered a hell created by men made in God's own form. I pray that if I live to have children I can tell them that sadness and depression isn't a bad thing. That wanting to kill yourself, albeit being something horrible, isn't outlandish. Every human being wishes to die at least once in it's life or it can't call itself a human being. Isn't that a pathetic and sad thought? Us, such supreme and elegant beings, can only be humans if we think, unlike animals who try to survive as much as they can, that we would be better off dead.

I don't know what I am anymore. Or what I feel. I feel nothing more than what I am which is nothing more than nothing. I justify the way I am with my past, but now that I look back at it all I have nothing that I have accomplished. I can't say that I've moved on from the girls that told me to kill myself for there I was once again surrounding myself with girls that threatened my life and brought me into the depths of depression. I can't say that I've moved on from having selfish one sided loves for here I am once again longing for the heart of a woman I know will never love me or will only love me as something like a friend. I can't say that I've moved on from having friends that instill in me a darkness of which I cannot remove with even the most happiness for here I am associating myself with a girl who tells me that she wants to die and inspires the dormant darkness inside of me that agrees that I do should die because I too am not worth what I live. And lastly here I am claiming that I've moved on from sadness and that I no longer feel lonely. I surround myself with empty husks of human beings. Calling them my friends when I know I have no friends anymore. I delude myself into thinking that I will be happy with an abundance of people by my side and for the longest time I felt a euphoria that only comes with breaking a long silence. But I can't say that I've truly moved on from the darkness that consumes me every day of my life. I can't say that I don't feel lonely because even when I think I'm strong... or I think I've accomplished a feat I see someone else who overcomes failure to find themselves happy with themselves. And that is something I can never find. Happiness in my own self.

And for that I'm a hypocrite for I tell everyone that I've gotten stronger in some way. Or that I've accomplished something by having such a broken past when in reality I bring myself back to the same situations every time. And that every time it isn't the people I met that break me, but rather myself that draws myself into their own sadness in order to break myself down.

And as a result I am nothing, but nothing more than nothing.
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Gekko

3,700 Points
  • Autobiographer 200
  • Gender Swap 100
  • Tycoon 200

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