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«x» ___ Samantha Brewer ___ «x»
» b a s ii c s . o f . l ii f e «
→ a. k. a. ≠ Layla:: My middle name. There;s a song called Layla that Jude is rather fond of, so that's what he calls me. He says it's an 'inside joke' between him and some old friends, but I don't ask about it.
→ candles on a cake ≠ twenty-five, but I feel so much older...
→ surprise day ≠ September 4th
→ I am . . . ≠ I'm heterosexual, I think...I've never been physically attracted to another woman, at least. I can't say for certain that that couldn't happen, though.
→ work, work, work ≠ I'm a hostess at a fancy restaurant. I used to be the lead singer of a band called Denial, but after I lost Claire, I couldn't pull myself back together. I'm still a musician at heart though..
» d ii g ii n g . d e e p e r «
→ image in the mirror ≠ Sigh..this feels like an interview. Well, lets see what I can tell you about myself. I guess I'm allowed to sound like a narcissist?
For starters, I'm a pretty slender person. I'm only about five foot three, and men tend to tower over me. I don't weigh a lot, and it shows. Well, I don't exactly seem all skin and bones, but..it's obvious I'm pretty small. Small enough for Jude to pick me up with one arm. My breasts aren't -all- that noticeable, but it isn't as though they don't exist. I have fairly wide hips, but they're proportionate to my height. Mum always said I had a "really cute butt", much to my embarrassment..I guess it's true, though.And considering how short I am, I've got rather long legs. Clothes tend to sit well on me, and that's all I really need to know about my own body shape. There'.s been enough time for the weight I gained while pregnant to disappear.
I sometimes wonder if my family members I've never met look similar to me. I've been called pretty numerous times, so I'm rather sure that I am. I've got pretty delicate features; a small mouth, a small nose, and wide eyes. Maybe I look younger than I am; I'm not sure. My eyes are blue, but they aren't as intense as Jude's eyes are. They don't stand out as much as my hair, anyways. My hair is blond..for the most part. It has an almost pink tinge to it, something I've never quite understood. I guess I'm a 'cotton candy blond', if you don't mind the joke. Strawberry blond? No; it isn't red. It's pink. My hair is very long, about to my waist, and it's wavy. I guess it looks kind of like a mane; I never try straightening it, bedcause I like it just the way it is. My bangs don't even reach my eyebrows, and I'm fine with that too; they make my forehead look smaller anyways.
When it comes to clothing, I like pretty, feminine things. I will wear jeans if I'm not venturing far past my own door, or I just feel extremely lazy. I love cute, flowery blouses, and long skirts. I've never been one for miniskirts, or shorts. Even when I was on stage, my skirts always went below mid-thigh. I could probably look nice enough in them, but I just don't enjoy wearing them. I don't need to dress skimpily to look appealing..that's what Jacob always told me, anyways. Most of my clothing is breezy, and it kind of reminds you of butterflies and springtime. AT the same time, I'm very fond of thick, fuzzy sweaters, and when I am cold wearing those and wool coats is about the only thing that keeps me comfortable. My one indulgence is shoes. I -adore- shoe shopping. Some girls may spend their time poring over cute lingerie, and I've tried that before, but..I prefer shoes. Cute boots, in particular, are my favorite. I'm a girly girl at heart; I've never been much of a 'punk', despite the way Denial used to sound before we split up. I love makeup, I love jewelry, and Mum buys me perfume constantly, just so I can find smells that I like.
→ sides of me ≠ I remember once, Jude telling me something that he thought summed up my personality. "You're sweet, and you're shy, but that doesn't mean that you're weak or scared." I suppose that's accurate enough.
I wouldn't necessarily call myself a 'nice' person. I can be unbearably haughty at times, and I often expect people to adhere to my whims rather than their own. I can be rather rude if people question me, or if they push me to try and do things in a way other than what I want. However, I am sweet. Or, at least, I can be. Much like the cat I transform into, I know when to be sweet and innocent, to bat my eyelashes and convince people to do what I want. When my haughtiness, and my temper, wear people down, I can switch back to being that same sweet creature they expected until they can't possibly be mad at me anymore. Am I manipulative? Just a bit.
I am a shy person by nature. Around people I don't know, I can be very reclusive, very withdrawn. I don't enjoy social interaction for the sake of social interaction. I will deal with people for my job, but I am no great conversationalist like most of my other friends. I prefer being alone, with my piano or my books keeping me company. I prefer the quiet, over loud places. However, when I'm with friends, I do not like them to sit quietly with me. Even though I am not much of a talker, I love to listen. I love it when Jude talks to me about anything, be it telling me his thoughts about a song, trying to talk politics with me, or just telling me about his father and his childhood in Japan. It's soothing for me, to hear others speak without them expecting me to reply. If I feel the need to speak, then I will do so, but for the most part, I keep my thoughts to myself. It's better to look before you leap, I always say. However, I -am- a curious person by nature, and I sometimes cannot help but ask questions about things. Curiosity killed the cat, I suppose, but my questions are always innocent enough.
Among my friends and family, I am a different person from the shy, polite creature people see. I show my friends and family all of my insecurities, yes, but I also show them my fun side. I enjoy laughing, and I am a very playful person. I give all of my affection to those who are willing to accept it. I have very random moments, as well, that often cause embarrassment to my female friends, to my mother, or, bless his heart, to Jude. At random times, I have a sudden craving for closeness. I want to feel another person next to me, feel their warmth for some reason. I used to snuggle into my mother when I wanted that as a child. As a teenager, my girlfriends and I could make a game out of it; they simply thought I was joking around. And Jude..well, I believe he's slowly getting used to when I decide to crawl into his bed in the middle of the night. It's indecent, but..I can't really help it. However, I think Jacob was the only person who saw one last side of me, something that not even Jude has noticed. I am a tease at times, shifting my hips and giving those sweet stares, just to make my interactions with others interesting. It was a game I used to play with Jacob, something that helped alleviate the pressure of him being unable to touch me. I do it impulsively now, flirting without the intention of connecting with another person. When my confidence is high, I can be quite the..'sex kitten', if you pardon the pun. But like I said, only my ex-fiance was privy to that side of me.
I believe myself to be a weak person. I am not strong-willed; I cave under pressure, and I often feel like I am simply not good enough. People insist that isn't the case, but I always insit that they explain to me why they think I'm not weak. I have reasons to disprove everything they say, but..somehow, I always want to believe it when my mother or Jude tells me that. I'm scared at times, nervous in new situations, nervous around new people. If I don't like a situation, my instinct is to run and hide. I don't want to be around things that I'm afraid of, because I am never simply 'afraid' of something. I am terrified of things that most people would simply worry about. I can be fussy, over-critical of the smallest details. I stress the details so much ,I'll often miss the bigger picture.
I suppose I'm an odd person, but changing would be difficult. And minus my insecurities, I'm rather happy with myself.
→ retell the tale ≠ Oh my...are you sure you're prepared to hear this? Well..lets see what I can tell you, then.
My childhood, aside from the curse, was extraordinarily normal. My mother was an artist, and my father was a doctor. How that worked, I will never know, but they loved each other passionately. Maybe it was that love that they relied on to stay together when I was born. I was two months early, coming into this world. The moment Daddy held me in his arms, I was no longer an infant girl. What was wrapped in that pink blanket instead, was a newborn kitten. Well, the two of them were shocked..to put it mildly. However, my mother was prepared to raise me as best she could. .as was my father. So, even the curse wouldn't break them apart, and they loved me dearly as such. Mum raised me with the tender patience only a true mother can. It was she I went to later in life, for advice, for that adoring affection I so desperately needed when my world came crashing down around me. Daddy was my quiet strength, I guess. He was there when I needed him, even though he couldn't hug me like Mum could.
From a young age, I developed an interest for music. Daddy didn't think that it was terribly practical, but my mother was excited at my interest. She put me into lessons; piano, guitar, violin..even a few singing lessons. It left me..very busy, even as a child, but I soaked up all of the information that was put into my mind like a sponge. Even today, I cannot resist a piano, or singing a song that's in my head. I was a fairly normal child, beside the curse, and I was happy with that.
When I reached high school, I was not in much of a mood for relationships. I was the musician, the art junkie..I was not the most popular girl in school, but I had friends..people who loved music, like me. And, it was only natural that we would want to start a band. I was sixteen when I asked my mother if we could use the garage to play music, just like every other group of punks who thought they could make something of themselves. She was thrilled still, so she let us. To be honest, we weren't the greatest band in the world. Actually, we kind of sucked, starting out. But as we got older, as we practiced more and more, we got rather good. Once I was eighteen, we started working to get gigs at various places. It was small-time; bars, coffee shops..eventually though, we got bigger. Bigger nightclubs started getting interested in us, in our music. It was sad, that we never made it to the big time, but we were doing well back then.
It was at one of these nightclubs that I met Jacob Todd. The first man I had ever been in love with. The first person I ever told my secrets to. I started dating him against my better judgment. I knew it couldn't go anywhere, but..I was young, young enough to entertain foolish notions. He didn't understand why I wouldn't let him hug me, why I wouldn't be intimate with him, but I did my best to show him how much I loved him. I was dating Jacob when I met Jude. He was a teenager, a young Japanese man who had run away from home. He ran into me, and, for the first time in my life, I did not transform. This was how I learned more about my own curse. It was something similar to what his family in Japan suffered. THe Sohma curse..they transformed into animals from the Chinese Zodiac. It was all fascinating stuff, and I decided to keep in contact with Jude.
After a lot of thought ,I brought up enough courage to tell Jacob about the curse. I couldn't take it anymore; a part of me longed to have children; I wanted to be a mother. Jacob was the only man I wanted to have children with. So I told him that. I told him I wanted to have his baby, and then I let him hug me. And when I transformed back, he was just as shocked as my parents had been, all those years ago. But he didn't leave me. Not then, anyways. It was obvious that having sex was going to be impossible, but..I so desperately wanted to have his child. So, I did what I always did whenever I wanted something and the spoiled child in me demanded indulgence.
I went to Daddy for money. When I told him why, he was..accepting. Mum was beyond accepting. She was -ecstatic-. SHe wanted grandchildren, babies to love and spoil. I guess I inherited her desire for a family . She welcomed my fiance into the family like he was already her son. And so, I went to a doctor. I underwent therapy, took drugs, went through artificial insemination. And after a few months, it finally worked; I learned that I was pregnant. Even if I couldn't touch my fiance, I was happy with my life. I was expecting happily ever after. I went to my mom for advice, for support. She and Daddy spoiled me, bought
And then, all at once, it was over.
When I was seven months pregnant, I fell down a flight of stairs as I was leaving Jacob's apartment. There was nothing anyone could do about it. All at once, I had lost my child. I hadn't been strong enough to protect her, to protect my little Claire. What sort of mother was I? I..I couldn't live with myself. Daddy tried his best, Mum tried her best, Jacob tried his best, but my parents and my fiance were no help. I couldn't be consoled, couldn't be convinced away from my own failures. And so wrapped up in my grief was I, I inevitably pushed the man I had loved so much away. Mum tried to stop him, but Jacob didn't know how to deal with my grief. He didn't know how to speak to me, how to comfort me, when he couldn't even touch me. It was too much for him, and I can understand why. So he left, I moved back to my old apartment despite my mother's insistence that I could live with them again, and I left myself to my solitude.
It was only a few weeks after Jacob had ended our engagement that I ran into Jude again. I was still upset, still desperate for some sort of company..I asked him to come back to my apartment with me, and I just..broke down. I cried and I screamed even though this poor boy barely knew me. And even though Jude barely knew me, he stayed. For the first time in my life, a man held me close and let me cry like a frightened child into his chest, without me transforming. It was..a relief. And Jude stayed with me. He had no family; he had run away. So I devoted myself to looking after him. He became something like a younger brother to me. He looked after me, just as I looked after him. It was Jude who patiently helped me cope with my grief. It was he who helped me start playing music again. I was far from normal; I still hurt at times, and I will probably be frightened away from having children for the rest of my life. But..I tried to keep living.
One day, I was contacted through my father by someone who knew about the curse. I was invited to go to Japan, to go to the house that Jude had spent his childhood with. Of course, he was invited to come back as well. Even if he weren't, he wouldn't leave me that easily.
I'm admittedly excited to meet other members of my family, other people besides Jude who know what it's like to be cursed. And maybe by being in a new place, I'll be able to finish healing.
→ don’t tell a soul ≠
I think that Jude is the only person who knows about Claire and Jacob...I'd rather keep it that way.
If I don't have something to sleep with, be it a stuffed animal, a pet, or another person, I can't sleep. Unfortunately for Jude, he's usually the one who winds up curled up with me when I need to feel another human being next to me.
» p e r s o n a l . ii n f o r m a t ii o n «
→ i love ≠
Children
Jude
Ice cream
Fish
Watermelon
Singing
Swingsets
Cooking
Cleaning
Acoustic guitars
Snuggling - I suppose it's the cat in me..
→ get away ≠ Vermin
Warm weather
Arrogance
Doctors
Hospitals
Blood
Dirt
lettuce
cat food- the smell makes me nauseous.
Being abandoned
→ shaking in my boots ≠
Large bodies of water
Drowning
Forgetting something important.
Leaving someone I care about behind.
Being abandoned
Needles
→ getting power ≠
Cooking - It's something I learned from my mother. I love cooking, so it's all good.
Music - I am a musician at heart. I enjoy playing the piano and the violin, and I can play the guitar, but singing is my true passion..
Maternal
Empathetic
Polite
Detail-oriented
→ weak at the knees ≠
Long hair - Ask Jude how often I find myself playing with his hair. It's embarrassing.
Children - I will smother them with affection..and a crying child can get anything they want out of me..
Fussy
Nervous
Weak-willed
Haughty
→ dance to the music ≠ Latter Days -- -- Over the Rhine
Satellite Heart -- -- Anya Marina
The Tower -- -- Vienna Teng
→ be an oracle ≠ Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
» c u r s e d . f o r . l ii f e «
→ are there any animals in here ≠ As the Virgo, I am a..cat?
→ fur, spots, stripes ≠ There's a kind of cat called a ragdoll cat. That's what I am. I have long, fluffy hair, and bright blue eyes. Most of my hair is a pale beige color, except for the brown around my eyes and on my head and ears. I have a big, fluffy tail, and it's brown as well. Um.please don't try pulling on my tail. When I'm in this form, I love cuddling up to people. It was something that amused Jacob to no end.
» t h e . b ii g . m a n «
→ behind the mask ≠ C 4 r t 0 0 n M u f f i n
→ skittles, taste the rainbow ≠ And I feel like I'm the f l o w e r trying to bloom in s n o w ...
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