benevolent ebil
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- Posted: Tue, 16 Feb 2010 02:08:46 +0000
「Gabriel」
"The high that proved too high, the heroic for earth too hard,
The passion that left the ground to lose itself in the sky,
Are music sent up to God by the lover and the bard:
Enough that He heard it once: we shall hear it by-and-by."
✘ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxCenturies will never change this...
» Forever My N a m e Shall Be... →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Gabriel
» And Yet It Seems Time Produces N i c k n a m e ( s ) For Everything... →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxI’ve been in the hands of god so long, I didn’t hear the nicknames they gave me. Messenger of God is the only one that ever stuck, but then perhaps that’s even more formal than Gabriel. .Sometimes I think I hear the whispers of sleep form something, but I’m sure this isn’t a word. Perhaps a name, it does seem familiar . . .
» My love, I Can Assure You That A g e Is Nothing But A Number→
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 213
» Thankfully A Persons H e i g h t Shall Always Change, But So Does W e i g h t Below →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx5’4 high and about 125pbs . . . I’m not short . . . You’re just too tall.
» On This Miraculous Day Of Hell I Was B o r n Below →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx August 1st
» Even If Centuries Have Past & Time Has Taken Its Toll My G e n d e r Is Set In Stone →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMale
» Don't You Know S e x u a l i t y Is Such A Touchy Topic →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I love when I love- never learning to distinguish rules about it. Is loving a man wrong? Is loving a woman wrong? Then what is right? Love isn’t wrong . . . so how can that be? I kiss what is dear to me, hold it tight. A pet, a boy, a girl- love is the one thing without boundaries.
» The Years Have Changed My A p p e a r a n c e... Do You Recognize Me? →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxLight cuts through the clouds and H A U N T S ME, like bad dreams. Outside L O O K I N ' I N I'm feeling lost and cold as S I N. A shred of hope a little bit of sweetness - anything please . . .
✘ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxHmph, What A Pain In The a**...
☸ I Never Asked For This G i f t →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxI’m not sure if it’s a gift . . . but I dream in riddles. Sometimes it causes me to sit up in the middle of the night, eyes the color of a coming storm- heavy clouds before the rain. In a soft voice, but so chilling even though it’s hardly more than a whisper anyone nearby would know about it instantly, I speak of prophecy. Messages. Despite this freedom, damnation, whatever you prefer to call it- I am still just a vessel for him. His angel. As much as we’d like to think he’s abandoned us, he’s always in our ear- calling us home. Though, my prophetic mumblings don’t always happen when I’m sleeping. A few times, I’ve passed out where I stood. After I wake up, it is not unusual to cough up just a little blood, and my throat to feel raw; As if the only reason these riddles come out of my mouth is that hundreds of tiny scars have opened and by apology offer something rare.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMy other gift, though not as fancy as magic or telepathy, is my music. Though I haven’t a chance much to mess with it yet, I am . . . I would be considered a “prodigy” among the human kids. The first time I picked up the guitar, or piano, it was like I couldn’t stop when I heard the sound come out. I can pick out every note in any kind of chord, and compose as easily as breathing. It’s as good as any super power though, and something I’d soon rather die without.
☸ Now I Know I Am Truly Blessed →
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Mikhail "Misha" Nikolayevich Zakharov
✘ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxThere Is No Such Thing As Fairytales...
✄ After Living For So Long, You're Bound To Have Your Own O u t l o o k On Life... →
What a foolish little trusting boy- I’m certainly quite to an extent, when you first meet me I’ll tuck myself away until I’m only a wide-eyed kid staring up through light lashes. But curiosity can get the best of us, and persuade me to talk – I’ll freely whisper to you and ever more than whisper. I’ve never had a reason to believe someone would break a promise- they’ve always come through for better or for worse so I’m accused of too easily following into step without asking why. I am also very . . they said . . tolerant? I’m not bothered by much and quick to smile even if I don’t mean it, though usually I do. However, when I do open up . . I’m a bit simple-minded like a kid, naïve, but if shown I will take the initiative- I’m too hungry for life to let a moment pass by when I regret not doing something. Impulsive? Brave? Maybe, it’s easy to get attached to things, or people, for me too. Not everything about how I act can be simply written out, as they say actions speak more than words- and if I gave it all away where would be the mystery? I will admit . . . I have a. . . submissive tendency. If I get to loud, or dance about like a maniac it only takes a thumb trailing on my bottom lip to make me still and quite. But still and Quiet is very different from unresponsive, I assure you.
✄ Close Your Eyes, Shield The Children; The F r e a k s h o w Is About To Begin... →
I’m sorry, I’d tell you if I could but I honestly don’t remember . . .. Though sometimes I have dreams. The kind where you wake up screaming but when someone rushes to ask what’s the matter you don’t even know yourself. . .
┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸
But please . ┳ ┴ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿ . let me . ┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ . Every day I’d kneel there, arms pressed hard against the alter, cooling my skin against its silk stair- every day . . . The colors were different in the church, the sun rained down in the mornings wetting the walls with a thousand different stained glass window shadows. I liked to imagine the spots on my arms in front of me sometimes like velvet, other times like violets among the myriad flower stars scattered on the floor and I’d make careful games of keeping my liquid red ribbons from the field. My sanctuary, I’d peer out from beneath the amber shadows during service- all the people’s eyes on god. They never noticed me- I’d leave the whispers of visions, glimpses of yet to comes, there at my feet and be home in time to lock the door and curl up back at the hearth. Just as the bedroom door clicked open. ┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼
"┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿ B o Y . . . "He called- pulling me, in his eyes, awake and by my hair from the hearth. I learned to ghost smiles on the first day of this- let them fly through the body clutching at his arm to keep on my toes. Like a painter he took his dull pocket knife and drew onto my lips a grin. I learned awfully fast in those days. My body carved out a spider webbed lace some days and at some nights his hands pressed me into purples and blues and ocean fruit. But God his sister’s voice . . . . To her I was clumsy, the bruises I told her came from tripping on rocks so often – the cuts from tripping on the church stairs as often as I tread there- Though I’d never leave anything as filthy as my blood at my Lord God’s doorstep. I’d never leave anything to make her worry or wonder. Her brother adored her, wouldn’t touch her- promised not to as long as I . . . . ┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿
. . . . . . She played piano too. Could sing sweeter that a songbird. The gold piece in a pool of pennies-she sang in the church choir. I only ever dared even touch the keys her fingers danced upon when all the doors were locked and nobody home- the grand piano in the church’s balcony. When she sang of god I could hear him in her voice- bright eyes- pale cheeks- she was the only one I whispered too-loved. but I couldn’t tell -around her- I’d never tried. But I would sing too. Weaving with the chords when she played piano so she never noticed. I knew god was good- after all, he’d made her.
Finally- one day she caught me practicing on the grand piano. Thousands of scribbled pages in front of me a symphony in barely legible print I’d learned from the abandoned music beneath the bench, all scattered like ants on the floor. I never knew she took them home- my diary my heart- blood on the pages. She heard me sing it too, took that home with her. Took it to him. “He can sing like an angel! Oh, if we’d only known! I told brother Aos, we listened to him again today- With music like this it wouldn’t surprise me if they wanted to keep him for himself at the institution he runs. . . why’s he always been so quite before? I left the pages he’d written with him last night too . . . .”
Her brother . . . I never knew she told him. He found me early at the church- and I couldn’t be anything but still beneath his fingers as he propped my mouth open with his lips- not anything unusual but next I knew– something like fire clawed its way down -down my throat. It was the first time I pushed him away-
“You’ll never sing again little bird.”
Hot iron rods in my throat, I couldn’t breathe- shivers worse than the heat peeling up my spine- and touched at my lips to pull my fingers away painted crimson and spotted with tiny diamonds, glinting every so often at the catch of the light. Glass. . . Coughing into my hands only made it worse- every note I’d ever cherished seemed to rip from my body with each cough and piece of bloodied shard on the floor.
“And yet you still say there is such a thing as a god?” He whispered into my ear.
When the church opened for mass, She was the first at the door- knowing I liked to hide behind the pews before the sun rose. I wasn’t there that day. She looked for me, ran about excitedly- my symphony, the one I’d written with her in the heartstrings - Brother Aos had more than liked it. I was to be taught formally, the song performed in a month time- for the King of England no less. . . I’d never be want for money again and could afford my own home instead of staying at the church all the time, or becoming even further indebted by staying with her brother. She found me again at the alter- laid against painting of Jesus they had in the center. Placed just so that the arms seemed to curve about my body . . . and a rose of blood haloed around my head. Every day I’d kneel there, arms pressed hard against the alter, cooling my skin against its silk stair- every day . . . The colors were different in the church, the sun rained down in the mornings wetting the walls with a thousand different stained glass window shadows. I liked to imagine the spots on my arms in front of me sometimes like velvet, other times like violets among the myriad flower stars scattered on the floor and I’d make careful games of keeping my liquid red ribbons from the field. This time I’d finally lost- she saw my red ribbons strewn across the steps-
I was thirteen then, when I finally had a way to sing out loud, when I finally had a way out of the life my parents sold me for. I was thirteen, when I died. ┳ ┴ ┵ ┶ ┷ ┸ ┹ ┺ ┻ ┼ ┽ ┾ ┿┳
◆ - ◇ - ◈ - ◉ - ◊ - ○ - ◌ - ◍ - ◎ - ●
Maybe one day I’ll learn . . . I’d tell you then I’m sure. Whatever past I have, I’d like to imagine it was a good one, that I lived next to god and worked in a church carrying his message like I do now. Or maybe I just did little things; it must have been something awfully great. That’s what I’d like to think. But perhaps . . .I can start from what I do know? Though there’s not much to that. I was christened Gabriel the moment I opened my eyes and knew I was in heaven. It was a time like learning to talk- you don’t remember a time when you couldn’t, but you trust from those who knew that there was a time when you were growing that you couldn’t. I was trained, at the beginning to be by his side. They called it me in time an archangel- God told me, in life I was faithful, young, and so I was chosen to be the messenger but I was refused the privilege to see for myself my past. God knows best though, I believe, though it could hardly be harmful to know who I was and find who I am. He warned me away from the sweet music of the chorus though, in heaven, though I really liked it . . . But his voice was calm enough. I don’t know why, but I never thought I’d hear such a thing. It was like breathing freely for the first time. I became blind to anything else- a living content a still. But something was still missing. . . . Anything once human grows restless after a time and life was so quiet. The silence was defining and those messages that passed through my lips felt raw and empty like some other sound should be there instead. I’m sure you know the story from there- my last message. The bond keeps me from heaven- but the longer I’m here the more likely it seems that won’t be the only thing. I’m tasting the air here- knowing I’ve felt it before but still finding it new and dazzling.
✘ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxEven Those Who Are Cast From Salvation Have Pleasures...
✔ Things I A d o r e The Most... →
♬ - God - - as with any angel, it’s in our very nature to adore him. When I left, it was never for lack of love. That is as burned into my veins as if I’d been programmed like a computer to it. But it’s more than that too- creator . . father . . .Lord . . . I left because I was incomplete in areas outside spiritual thirst. Becoming hollow on the inside.
♬ - Sound - - from a needle dropping to the floor, to the low voice of another being- I won’t lie- I’m infatuated with it. The sounds the wind makes at it plays with grass in the field, the cry of ocean waves, the moan of pain and then delight. It’s my water- without it I’d shrivel up and I can’t imagine I could do anything but turn into dirt and dust. There is more than one kind of beautiful sound as well. The sweet, soft kind and the one filled with emotions. Emotions bitter, ugly, sour, sweet, all like candy to me. I’d do anything for it.
♬ - Music and Songs - - A song is one of the best kinds of sounds. The sound of feelings- with the ability to bring you high and drag you low. Sing to me? It’s better than a kiss- though . . . I’ve never had one so I couldn’t say but . . . I doubt there’s anything better than a song.
♬ - Thunder and Lightning - - They aren’t so frightening after all. More like great instrumentalists! It’s the only thing that makes rain bearable.
♬ - Guitar - - Both electric and classical- it’s a sound I am not familiar with but love how if you lie on the floor or against a wall you can feel it if someone’s playing nearby in your stomach.
♬ - Show instead of tell - - That’s pretty much just what it sounds like. I’m much more affected if you show me something than tell me about it. Touch me, if you want, don’t tell me about how you want to. Don’t ask. Drown me in your actions- sing me to sleep sing me to hate. I need to feel you. Words don’t work anymore.
✖ I Can Not Help But D e s p i s e This The Most... →
♬ - Chocolate - - it’s bittersweet. Do I really need a reason? It just tastes like dirt . . .
♬ - Rain - - So depressing and wet . . . mostly wet . . .
♬ - Cold - - let me lean on a warm body any day. The cold just seems to freeze me up. Worse than chocolate.
♬ - Riddles - - I’m so tired of those. Where’d the simplicity go?
♬ - Lies - - be entirely honest with me please. Be honest in your hate, be honest in your disdain, I can handle of few cuts. I’m not porcelain. I’ll heal.
♬ - An unturned instrument - - it’s fun sometimes, and in the spirit of whatever piece its being used acceptable. But to play unturned, and aware, and . . .It’s just pure lazyness in most cases. I’d tune it for you in a heartbeat, so please don’t . . .
♬ - Noises of high frequency - - A chair being scraped across the floor, nails on a chalkboard, or a high pitched squeal from a computer. My ears are sensitive, so the noise will drive me right out of my mind to find the source and dispose of it as quickly and painlessly as possible.
☢ Hidden B e n e a t h The Surface →
I’m not prone to nightmares- I prefer to call them adventures. But, there is . . one thing. I’m afraid of an end. Not heaven, not Hell, but an end. Silence in place of life and there is so much I want to do. I want to feel, taste, touch, maybe love? I don’t know. Whether the journey is happy or sad, isn’t it still worth living? A fate worse than the fires and brimstone Lucifer coddles, would be to simply not exist at all. Those emotions- they’re all too precious to just disappear. I’m afraid of time slipping past and looking back to see what I’ve done is nothing. I know I’m an angel of God . . . a messenger . . . but the idea of leaving something incomplete haunts me. I want to know . . .I want to know this earth. I want to walk with my feet bare in the mud I want to scream with my head underwater- but I want to live. I’m scared of that, being locked away and . . . . Please, don’t ever say what I’ve lived I’ve wasted. What you’ve lived- you’ve wasted. Nothing is . . Nothing can be . . don’t say it. I love God- but the moment I heard a song, and another voice I knew I’d be no use to him with the tunes consuming my thoughts. I’m afraid to go back to the silence of nothing. Peaceful silence- it’s a sound in itself. But the silence of not knowing is . . . much worse.
↘ Behind Every T r a g e d y There Is A Cause...→
▸ Benevolent Ebil◂