Welcome to Gaia! ::

I've been the black sheep of my family for a long time, even though I was the one who graduated with the best GPA, first to graduate college, first to get married, and first to buy a house. I'm second to youngest out of all of my cousins, but the oldest out of my brother and I.

My brother is loved and supported by both of my parents. When they found out that I don't plan on having children until after my husband gets his Master's degree and I get my second degree, they super alienated me, saying, "Well your cousin who just got married dropped out of school for a baby." emotion_facepalm My brother is the youngest out of us, and the youngest cousin, but everyone loves him. "He's so smart." "He's going to be so successful." "He's such a hard worker!" Yeah, I'd be able to do so much at his age if I only had to work 10 hours a week! At his age, I was working nearly 40 hours, and going to school and dealing with my emotional distress. ):<

My folks, if you couldn't tell, are grand-baby starved.


But anyway.

You do what's best for you. Everybody will compare you to somebody. I think you've done a great job so far in life, and withdrawing because of your depression and anxiety was the best choice for you. I know the feeling, as I almost did so myself and I wish I had, as it really ******** me up.

Nobody knows you better than yourself. To Hell with your family for comparing their children. You're doing the best you can, and you're doing a damned fine job.

Not all parents are grandbaby starved, but I'm not sure if it's necessarily a goal that parents expect the daughter to fulfill that role since my friends were lectured to not have and to have babies by the same parents. The male friends were too young or did not show enough maturity to be a reliable offspring to have their own yet.

My family is the black sheep of my dad's side despite they were the reason why we ended up in poverty to get them to America. They take advantage of my father's love, loyalty, labor, and engineering skills while having their nose up in the air acting as if we can't take care of ourselves and are too poor to be of used to them.

My immediate family is adored by all but my fiancé and I are reclusive. We don't socialize so much and are not compared to our siblings but it is usually the other way around. I have a pretty good life but I had to distance myself or purge those who are not supportive. So I avoid the bad relatives who suddenly want to be part of my life, probably because I'm no longer in the "poverty" club anymore. It sucks being the black sheep but maybe it's not about you being shunned, but that it shows you who is going to keep you down versus those who will make you grow. In a way, they are shunning themselves.

I had to move away and set boundaries in order for my parents to respect me and not put me down. I am thankful for my life so I would not be so ignorant to others hardships and to my own children. This dysfunction in my family, which all families has some aspect of it, taught me that you can even be Bill Gates and still get put down by close or strangers. These are the people that have selective creditation towards you, which means no matter how much the world, their own parents and loved ones, facts, laws, God will support and validate your position, they will not acknowledge it. So if you learn and accept they are such a downer Debbie, you can at least detach yourself from them ahead of them emotionally and not be hurt by their comments.

When people ask you about your history, talk about the future instead. Say how you are in the process of getting a better education, job, or living circumstance. At most you can say your previous plans didn't pan out but you learned and Are confident it'll get better for you. If they are nosey you can say "Nah don't worry about me, tell me how your life is!" You'll be surprised not because how often you will and can redirect the conversation, but the reason why they ask is because they are not doing so well themselves. Try avoiding to blame your past that it didn't pan out or the details why. That may only open people to be nosey with their curiosity to go down memory lane of pain or try to counter your obstacles with unwarranted advice. (Which is what I'm doing right now is unwarranted advice, so please excuse me on that)

If they hint "concerns" you just have to sound polite where you acknowledge their concerns but be a broken record you have a plan and got this covered.

I've always lived in my little brother's shadow. Even in grade school, he took honors classes while I barely got Cs. Now he's going to be a doctor and he's dating a ballerina who is also gonna be a doctor and I'm here with 10k in student debt with no degree and I'm living at home. It took me a while to stop comparing my path to my brother's, but I realized that my life got put on hold when I had clinical depression in college and yes, that IS an excuse. It's a valid excuse because that s**t is debilitating. I'm still not 100% and I probably will never be. But I can have my own kind of success and so can you.

Don't make your family proud. Make yourself proud.

Take a few hours to figure out what would make you proud of yourself and write it down. Write down some basic steps you can take to get to that point. Make a list of things that you're already proud of.
Now fold up that paper and put it in an envelope and stick it in your favorite book and read it whenever you feel like a failure.

And last of all, keep telling yourself you're okay. Because you are. heart heart heart heart heart

One of the hardest parts of growing up - for both parents and kids - is realizing that you don't owe your parents anything. They might feel that because they invested time and money and energy into you, that you owe it to them to lead the 'successful' life they want you to lead. And you don't. They had to raise you because they chose to have you, but you don't have to live your life for them.

Life is hard enough without a generous helping of self-doubt thrown in the mix. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is learn to hold your head up and ignore the comments. If you're happy with your life, that's all that matters. It's your life.

Not with that attitude, lol