Bonjour Belle
(?)Community Member
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- Posted: Tue, 26 May 2015 06:07:23 +0000
Hey, LI. Tonight was really bad and I really need some advice.
My dad has never laid a hand on me, but has been emotionally and mentally abusive for as long as I can remember. My mom died when I was six and I have a severely Autistic brother who, at 21, cannot communicate and only just started to transition from using diapers to using the actual toilet. Needless to say, my family has not had it easy and money is always low but stress is always incredibly high. My dad never has a problem with helping me financially; he helps me make monthly payments for my student loans and will always throw me a ten if I ask for it. And for all of that, I'm incredibly thankful. But there is a side of him that genuinely terrifies me.
About two hours ago, I realized that I'd lost my house keys. Immediately, dread washed over me and I felt my stomach turn. I knew that I'd had to call him to let me in and let him know I'd lost my keys. After finally plucking up the courage, I rang him and admitted to my mistake to which he responded by telling me if I wasn't home in five minutes (I was at least 20 minutes away walking distance and I don't drive), that he was going to bed and "good luck finding somewhere to sleep tonight". I knew he didn't mean it, but my anxiety had already started to kick in and I rushed home. When I got home, he let me in and interrogated me with questions. I answered them as best as I could, which included repeating myself numerous times until I could feel the onset of a panic attack. I tried to explain that I was repeating myself and he was stressing me out to the point where it was hard to breath, but he wouldn't stop. He called me irresponsible, stupid, and crazy... all for losing my keys. I told him I'd make copies tomorrow for myself and that I'd even pay, but he lashed out at me again, refusing to let me borrow his keys to make the copies on the sole principle that he "didn't want to" and that I'm "hopeless". At this point, my panic attack had kicked into overdrive and i couldn't breath. I was shaking and sobbing and felt like I would have honestly jumped into oncoming traffic if I had the chance. When he realized how I was acting, he had the nerve to tell me, "They're only keys, it's not the end of the world. Calm down, you're overreacting!" And that's when I shut down. I was so overwhelmed and felt so crazy because no one knows what he puts me through and when I try to talk to him about it, he denies everything or laughs at me. The fight ended with me taking more klonopin than I needed to and sobbing myself into a calmer state. Stuff like this happens all the time. Losing my keys, forgetting to turn my phone on after a movie, getting mail about something like an overdraft fee at the bank... Even coughing too much one night when I was sick and being told to "suffocate myself with a pillow" because my coughing was keeping my dad awake. All insignificant things that people deal with on a regular basis that absolutely terrify me because they are turned into high stress situations that end up in me being belittled and shouted at.
I love my dad more than words and I have spent my life making excuses for him. I know that his life isn't easy and I am grateful every day that he helps me the way he does, especially financially. I have a minimum wage job right now with fluctuating hours and can barely cover my loan repayments and phone bill, so moving out is not an option. Recently, I've been staying over friends' houses and getting high just so I don't have to be home or deal with the CONSTANT anxiety my dad gives me. I don't want to go down this path, though, and I'm tired of being TERRIFIED of the consequences of basic human error. I am so scared and I don't know what I can do. In November, I ended up in a psych ward for five days after I cut myself and needed 40+ stitches. After that, I was attending weekly therapy sessions but had to quit because I couldn't afford the copay. I am on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and am becoming dependent on sleeping pills and my tolerance for pot is getting way too strong. I can feel myself spiraling when all I'm trying to do is get by and get into grad school and eventually make enough money to move out but I can't right now and I don't know what to do. My dad is never going to change but I mentally and physically cannot take having full blown panic attacks every other night. LI, what can I possibly do...?
My dad has never laid a hand on me, but has been emotionally and mentally abusive for as long as I can remember. My mom died when I was six and I have a severely Autistic brother who, at 21, cannot communicate and only just started to transition from using diapers to using the actual toilet. Needless to say, my family has not had it easy and money is always low but stress is always incredibly high. My dad never has a problem with helping me financially; he helps me make monthly payments for my student loans and will always throw me a ten if I ask for it. And for all of that, I'm incredibly thankful. But there is a side of him that genuinely terrifies me.
About two hours ago, I realized that I'd lost my house keys. Immediately, dread washed over me and I felt my stomach turn. I knew that I'd had to call him to let me in and let him know I'd lost my keys. After finally plucking up the courage, I rang him and admitted to my mistake to which he responded by telling me if I wasn't home in five minutes (I was at least 20 minutes away walking distance and I don't drive), that he was going to bed and "good luck finding somewhere to sleep tonight". I knew he didn't mean it, but my anxiety had already started to kick in and I rushed home. When I got home, he let me in and interrogated me with questions. I answered them as best as I could, which included repeating myself numerous times until I could feel the onset of a panic attack. I tried to explain that I was repeating myself and he was stressing me out to the point where it was hard to breath, but he wouldn't stop. He called me irresponsible, stupid, and crazy... all for losing my keys. I told him I'd make copies tomorrow for myself and that I'd even pay, but he lashed out at me again, refusing to let me borrow his keys to make the copies on the sole principle that he "didn't want to" and that I'm "hopeless". At this point, my panic attack had kicked into overdrive and i couldn't breath. I was shaking and sobbing and felt like I would have honestly jumped into oncoming traffic if I had the chance. When he realized how I was acting, he had the nerve to tell me, "They're only keys, it's not the end of the world. Calm down, you're overreacting!" And that's when I shut down. I was so overwhelmed and felt so crazy because no one knows what he puts me through and when I try to talk to him about it, he denies everything or laughs at me. The fight ended with me taking more klonopin than I needed to and sobbing myself into a calmer state. Stuff like this happens all the time. Losing my keys, forgetting to turn my phone on after a movie, getting mail about something like an overdraft fee at the bank... Even coughing too much one night when I was sick and being told to "suffocate myself with a pillow" because my coughing was keeping my dad awake. All insignificant things that people deal with on a regular basis that absolutely terrify me because they are turned into high stress situations that end up in me being belittled and shouted at.
I love my dad more than words and I have spent my life making excuses for him. I know that his life isn't easy and I am grateful every day that he helps me the way he does, especially financially. I have a minimum wage job right now with fluctuating hours and can barely cover my loan repayments and phone bill, so moving out is not an option. Recently, I've been staying over friends' houses and getting high just so I don't have to be home or deal with the CONSTANT anxiety my dad gives me. I don't want to go down this path, though, and I'm tired of being TERRIFIED of the consequences of basic human error. I am so scared and I don't know what I can do. In November, I ended up in a psych ward for five days after I cut myself and needed 40+ stitches. After that, I was attending weekly therapy sessions but had to quit because I couldn't afford the copay. I am on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and am becoming dependent on sleeping pills and my tolerance for pot is getting way too strong. I can feel myself spiraling when all I'm trying to do is get by and get into grad school and eventually make enough money to move out but I can't right now and I don't know what to do. My dad is never going to change but I mentally and physically cannot take having full blown panic attacks every other night. LI, what can I possibly do...?
