Bonjour Belle
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- Posted: Sun, 01 Mar 2015 23:21:55 +0000
Hey, LI... I'm back. Again.
I'm sure some of you will recognize me, but here's some quick background information. My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me in November after her little cousin unexpectedly passed away and she explained that she was physically and emotionally unable to commit to a relationship. What started out as a mutual breakup soon got very hurtful, however, as she started to text me on and off looking for sex and putting me down. Some months went by where I didn't hear from her at all. Then I would hear from her again, usually while she was drunk, on and off with a simple "I miss you" or a "What's up?" to which I would answer but never receive a reply back on her end. About two weeks ago, her aunt, who I was quite close to, re-added me on Facebook out of the blue. Then, about a week ago, my ex started texting me again. Full conversations this time, catching up. Then she added me on a bunch of social media apps. This past Friday night, drunk, she admitted that she still loved me and hasn't stopped thinking of me, but needed time to fix herself and wasn't ready to see me or hear from me. After that, she asked me out for dinner. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen her since Halloween but it felt like no time at all had passed. It felt like coming home. When she got off the train and saw me for the first time, she came in for a kiss, which I pulled away from to her shock. Throughout the day, too, she would say things that confused the hell out of me. For example, we got to talking about babies and she told me she wanted to name her future daughter "Ipanema". Jokingly, I responded with, "You're setting her up to be a stripper. That Harvard degree is going to be used on pole dancing." She responded, "I'm glad you know I want my kids to go to Harvard. ...Well, our kids." Another time, we were talking about how much the city I'm from is gentrifying. She responded, "Perfect. In a few years, we'll be able to get an apartment there." She said some other things, too, along the same lines implying a future together. She also confided in me about a girl she was seeing while we weren't together who'd recently dumped her. As much as it hurt, I listened and offered advice. She responded, "It's weird telling you this. I feel like I might be crossing a line, but you're my best friend in the world, you know?" I asked her if I was just a rebound and she responded, "No. This girl dumped me to get back together with her ex, and it made me realize just how much I missed you." Today, we talked on the phone for almost thee hours. At one point in the conversation, she blatantly told me that she was too young to settle down and the thought of not exploring her sexuality and love life more made her feel stifled. Now, this is what's bothering me. She was literally JUST going on and on about kids, apartments, a future which she seemed to very much want me in, but was now telling me she had no interest in pursuing a stable, committed relationship. I went along with it, happy to just have her in my life at all. We got off the phone, but not before she told me she loved me, which I hadn't heard since we were together. Now I'm laying in my room, completely and totally in my head. I've cried on and off all day because while I'm just happy to have her in my life again, I'm terrified I'm just going to get hurt. I also feel like I can't ask her serious questions about anything because that's what makes her shut down and push me away. So I don't. I'm tempted to text a mutual friend that she hung out with last night and ask him if I should be worried about getting hurt, but I don't want to come off as needy or crazy. But can you blame me? The mixed signals are really killing me. Last night, before I dropped her off at her train, I asked her, "How will I know if I'll see you again?" She responded by wrapping her $150 cashmere scarf around my neck and said, "How's Friday?" Now I'm counting down the days, hours, and minutes until Friday to see her again because I'm so used to her disappearing act. It's really ******** with my head and heart and I don't know what to do. I'm so scared to let my walls down with her. I'm scared to get attached. LI, what's your take on this?
I'm sure some of you will recognize me, but here's some quick background information. My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me in November after her little cousin unexpectedly passed away and she explained that she was physically and emotionally unable to commit to a relationship. What started out as a mutual breakup soon got very hurtful, however, as she started to text me on and off looking for sex and putting me down. Some months went by where I didn't hear from her at all. Then I would hear from her again, usually while she was drunk, on and off with a simple "I miss you" or a "What's up?" to which I would answer but never receive a reply back on her end. About two weeks ago, her aunt, who I was quite close to, re-added me on Facebook out of the blue. Then, about a week ago, my ex started texting me again. Full conversations this time, catching up. Then she added me on a bunch of social media apps. This past Friday night, drunk, she admitted that she still loved me and hasn't stopped thinking of me, but needed time to fix herself and wasn't ready to see me or hear from me. After that, she asked me out for dinner. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen her since Halloween but it felt like no time at all had passed. It felt like coming home. When she got off the train and saw me for the first time, she came in for a kiss, which I pulled away from to her shock. Throughout the day, too, she would say things that confused the hell out of me. For example, we got to talking about babies and she told me she wanted to name her future daughter "Ipanema". Jokingly, I responded with, "You're setting her up to be a stripper. That Harvard degree is going to be used on pole dancing." She responded, "I'm glad you know I want my kids to go to Harvard. ...Well, our kids." Another time, we were talking about how much the city I'm from is gentrifying. She responded, "Perfect. In a few years, we'll be able to get an apartment there." She said some other things, too, along the same lines implying a future together. She also confided in me about a girl she was seeing while we weren't together who'd recently dumped her. As much as it hurt, I listened and offered advice. She responded, "It's weird telling you this. I feel like I might be crossing a line, but you're my best friend in the world, you know?" I asked her if I was just a rebound and she responded, "No. This girl dumped me to get back together with her ex, and it made me realize just how much I missed you." Today, we talked on the phone for almost thee hours. At one point in the conversation, she blatantly told me that she was too young to settle down and the thought of not exploring her sexuality and love life more made her feel stifled. Now, this is what's bothering me. She was literally JUST going on and on about kids, apartments, a future which she seemed to very much want me in, but was now telling me she had no interest in pursuing a stable, committed relationship. I went along with it, happy to just have her in my life at all. We got off the phone, but not before she told me she loved me, which I hadn't heard since we were together. Now I'm laying in my room, completely and totally in my head. I've cried on and off all day because while I'm just happy to have her in my life again, I'm terrified I'm just going to get hurt. I also feel like I can't ask her serious questions about anything because that's what makes her shut down and push me away. So I don't. I'm tempted to text a mutual friend that she hung out with last night and ask him if I should be worried about getting hurt, but I don't want to come off as needy or crazy. But can you blame me? The mixed signals are really killing me. Last night, before I dropped her off at her train, I asked her, "How will I know if I'll see you again?" She responded by wrapping her $150 cashmere scarf around my neck and said, "How's Friday?" Now I'm counting down the days, hours, and minutes until Friday to see her again because I'm so used to her disappearing act. It's really ******** with my head and heart and I don't know what to do. I'm so scared to let my walls down with her. I'm scared to get attached. LI, what's your take on this?
UPDATE: This past Saturday, I got to hang out with my ex and our mutual friend. We went to his apartment and just spent the day smoking and drinking and catching up. I had a lot of fun, but my ex got too drunk and I had to make her eat before I walked her home in a totally unfamiliar neighborhood. The most distressing part, though, was the walk to the pizzeria and the confessions she made when we got there. As I walked and she stumbled her way to the pizza place, she told me that getting drunk was basically her life now and that it was a "sad existence" but it stopped her from "thinking too much". She also told me that her step dad has been fighting with her to see a therapist, which she refuses to do. During dinner, she told me that if she hadn't been at my house the day she found out her cousin passed away, if she had been out with friends, drunk or high or whatever, that she would have killed herself that morning. She told me that I was her sanity and I kept her balanced. I told her she was drunk and she told me she loved me. After dinner, I offered to walk her home, even though it was dark and I was in a totally unfamiliar part of the city. She kissed me goodbye and told me to text her when I got home. It's a good 2 hour commute by public transit from where she lives to where I live and, as I mentioned, it was pretty late by this point. I texted her, like she asked, but she'd already fallen asleep. The next day (yesterday), I'd made plans to hang out with friends. She called me at one point while I was in a busy cafe and could barely hear her, so I told her I'd call her back to which she got pretty annoyed with. I called her back, like I promised, and we talked for a bit before she got off to do homework. I ended up going out with my friends about an hour outside of town when she called me again.I picked up and told her I was out to which she replied, "Why are you never home?! Just go home. Call me when you get in." and hung up on me. My friends and I were supposed to hang out longer but I was worried sick about her and ended plans early so I could get home as quick as possible. When I did get home, the first thing I did was call her. No answer. I tried again about a half hour later, and still no answer. I figured she'd fallen asleep, but she posted a snapchat around 1 in the morning about tossing and turning. I texted her right after I saw it and said, "You okay?" No reply. She usually calls me before she goes to class, but she didn't today. Now I'm worried that she's going to disappear from my life again, especially after all that she told me on Saturday. It was very unsettling and I'm genuinely concerned for her. Plus, I have no idea what I did wrong. LI, I feel like I'm going crazy... What can I do?
