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Melty Witch

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Post: 94837709_1 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:00:20 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:00:20 +0000

Little background about me:
I'm a 23 year old who just a few days ago went through a break up with a guy who I've been with since December of 2013. It was a mutual breakup and that was that.

Fast forward to YESTERDAY:
I met a guy in a convenience store and he was really nice and funny and gave me his number.
Since I texted him, he's making me feel uncomfortable. He kissed me today and i felt weird about it and he said I love you to me. He's also talked about going to get a tv for my apartment(my ex took his back) and all other stuff.
I'm not comfortable with that at all since I just met him and don't know much about him. Its a nice gesture but I just went through a breakup and really am not interested in being in a relationship.
My problem is, is that I have no backbone and I am not sure how to go about telling him that.
He's a nice guy but I don't want a relationship.
How do I go about telling him without sounding like a b***h?

Alm Lep Dez

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Post: 94837709_2 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:12:08 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:12:08 +0000

I'd say with this don't worry about how you sound, because there's still a chance that regardless he's going to give you some resistance about it. If he doesn't that's great, but it doesn't hurt to prepare for that possibility, just tell him how you feel like telling him, if you worry about how you say it you're only going to take longer to do it, if it ends up sounding bad, then oh well, try to learn from it but at least he (hopefully) won't bother you about it anymore.

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Post: 94837709_3 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:25:08 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:25:08 +0000

You tell anyone something they don't want to hear and you'll be considered a "b***h". The thing is you don't need to concern yourself with that. As long as you're not cruel you are rightfully entitled to how you feel and who you want around you. It's not your responsibility to make people feel good or give them the answers they want.

Just be honest with him and say something like "Hey X, you're a cool guy and all but I just got out of a relationship and i'm not at all looking to get involved with anyone or anything right now. Best of luck to you."

Melty Witch

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Post: 94837709_4 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:35:56 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:35:56 +0000

Inscriven

Im too god damn nice.
That's what's stopping me. I hate upsetting people who are nothing but nice to me.
Just not sure how to be more aggressive

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Post: 94837709_5 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:49:01 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:49:01 +0000

Tell him that you've just gone through a break-up and that you really don't feel like you can commit to a relationship right now, especially if that's how you really feel.

Also let him know that the gifts are a nice gesture, but that you are not comfortable accepting them if that's how you really feel.

Above all else, in my personal opinion, you wouldn't want to give him the impression that you're going to reciprocate his feelings without giving him a reasonably clear indication that it's not going to happen.

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Post: 94837709_6 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:54:42 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:54:42 +0000

This guy sounds really off. You don't just tell someone you love them and offer to buy them A TV within the first day you meet them. Set boundaries now. Tell him you appreciate the gesture but that you're uncomfortable with that, and you need time to yourself.

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Post: 94837709_7 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:58:44 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 02:58:44 +0000

Yudoku Shinfoni

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Im too god damn nice.
That's what's stopping me. I hate upsetting people who are nothing but nice to me.
Just not sure how to be more aggressive

No, you are confusing being nice with being insecure, lacking confidence, and lacking self respect.
Being nice has nothing to do with being a doormat.

Just because people are nice to to you does not mean they are acting in your best interests. Being nice is a pretty powerful emotional manipulation tactic. Doesn't mean you should be weary of everyone ever who is nice to you, but you need to avoid the trap of feeling obligated to give in to them because they are being pleasant towards you. Especially if you feel that you are being taken advantage of, which you are.

You don't need to be more aggressive - just be honest and upfront, could even tell him through text if it makes it easier. You owe the guy nothing.

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Post: 94837709_8 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 12:04:24 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 12:04:24 +0000

xVallx

You're making the assumption that he actually intended to pay for the TV, as opposed to him offering to go with her to shop for a TV but having her actually pay for the TV.

Shopping is actually a good alternative to a stereotypical first date of a dinner + movie or something. Shopping is much more casual, the environment just makes both people more comfortable and allow them to get to know each other in a more platonic way as opposed to the kind of feeling you get when you do the stereotypical fancy dinner thing.

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Post: 94837709_9 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 12:35:57 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 12:35:57 +0000

SirPuzzle

xVallx

It doesn't sound like that in OP's post.

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Post: 94837709_10 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 13:02:42 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 13:02:42 +0000

Stop being such a girl and start being more assertive. Girls are programmed by society that they have to be nice. No you dont. Just be a b***h. Just say you arent interested in being with him and reject his kisses because you are leading him on by being so passive. say no. If he wants you to still have the tv thats cool but dont just pretend to be into him for s**t.

You have a backbone. You just need to choose to actually use it.

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Post: 94837709_11 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 14:10:48 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 14:10:48 +0000

My best advice to you sweetheart is to open up to him and tell him he is making you uncomfortable. Basically tell him what you have posted in this thread. If he does not understand then he is not worth your time. If he does then try and make the best of it by being transparent with each other. I'm the same way when it comes to hurting peoples feelings, it is hard for me to do, but what I have come to realize is that if I person cannot respect your feelings and understand what you have gone through then they obviously do not care about you and are just trying to use you to get something. Just be yourself and say you have to talk to him. Say you are going to be upfront and honest and you hope he understands then spill your feelings. Hope it works out for you dear!!! emotion_bigheart

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Post: 94837709_12 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 17:26:38 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 17:26:38 +0000

Yudoku Shinfoni

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Im too god damn nice.
That's what's stopping me. I hate upsetting people who are nothing but nice to me.
Just not sure how to be more aggressive

Passive =/= Nice

Look at it this way: would it be nice to get into a sham relationship with someone? To lie to this dude, and to yourself, for who knows how long? I don't think that's terribly kind, not to him or to you. It's okay to need time before rushing headlong into a commitment again. If he can't respect that, he is not the right fit for you right now. It's better-- nicer-- that you both be free to do what you need to do to be happy.

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Post: 94837709_13 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 19:31:39 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 19:31:39 +0000

He's coming on to you pretty FAST. neutral

Tell him you just broke up and don't want to be in a relationship yet.

If he suddenly acts like a d**k, don't be surprised. rolleyes

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Post: 94837709_14 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 20:18:46 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 20:18:46 +0000

Yudoku Shinfoni

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Im too god damn nice.
That's what's stopping me. I hate upsetting people who are nothing but nice to me.
Just not sure how to be more aggressive

There's a difference between "nothing but nice" and "manipulative, entitled, kind of scary a*****e". Somebody who launches into a relationship when you're not on board and starts buying you extravagant presents is NOT in the former category.

The real thing here is that acting nice isn't the same as being nice--people who are genuinely being nice don't want to make you uncomfortable! When I buy somebody a present, if they don't want it and it makes them uncomfortable, I want to know that--because my goal is to make them happy, not to get something from them. If somebody I'm trying to kiss isn't into it (and you can tell, let's be real) I stop--because to continue would be to upset them, and I only want to be with people who want to be with me (not the most shocking idea razz ). If the dude doesn't take it kindly, you can be pretty damn sure* that he's not really interested in your well-being, and it's totally justified to be "aggressive" (really just assertive) with him! It's a skill, it just takes practice. It will probably be awkward and horrible, but you know what's also awkward and horrible? Weeks or months or even years of pretending to like somebody who makes you feel weird. I'd get the awkward over with today!

Good luck! heart

*Frankly, I'm already pretty damn sure, because unless he's super-rich that is not a normal gift--he's almost certainly just trying to make you feel beholden so you'll feel guilty turning his advances down. Major-league grossness going on there.

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Post: 94837709_15 created on Fri, 14 Nov 2014 20:30:08 +0000
Posted: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 20:30:08 +0000

Yudoku Shinfoni

You met him yesterday, and he's already kissing you and saying he loves you. That's abnormal, and pretty scary. In his mind, he didn't need your permission to make you and him a couple, and that's an obvious sign of controlling behavior. Don't let him get you a television. Understand that this is his way of investing in you, and gaining leverage. As in, he thinks he can buy your affection; also, if you were to not want to do something that he wants to do, he may go, "This is how you treat me after I got you a tv?!"

Your body is giving you signals that you need to run, and you're ignoring it. Trust your intuition, and act on it. Being nice does not mean you allowing others to walk all over you. Putting others' feelings before your own is how you'll end up getting taken advantage of or caught in an emotionally abusive relationship or worse.

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