Fewskito
(?)Community Member
Offline
- Posted: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 05:10:43 +0000
I'm writing this, first and foremost, because Gaia has been a place where I go to forget my worries. I put as much distance between who I really am, and who I choose to be, as I possibly can.
However, as time passes, so does the phase of pretending to be something I'm not, and as I've matured, the line between who I've chosen to be, and who I actually am has blurred. I am, in essence choosing to be who I really am, and for once in my life, I understand myself and my thoughts.
Another reason behind typing out this potential wall of text, and potentially opening my own can of worms, is that I think better when I can see what I'm thinking. If I can't see it, or hear it, then my thoughts don't really surface. The fly by faster than I can comprehend them. Overanalyzing things would be what a toddler does compared to the doctorate my brain seems to have achieved. I've spent so long trying to hide who I am, that I can't even catch my own lies when I tell them sometimes.
The only way to call my own bullshit is to say it, and then catch it after saying it. It doesn't work as well as reading it, and realizing how full of s**t a sentence is.
All of that being said, I wanted to inform everyone on my friends list, as well as those who maybe consider me a friend, but I have either neglected to add, or removed at some point. Maybe we just talk often, but don't have each other added. Such a thing happens.
I've been attending psychiatrists appointments for the better part of 11 months, appointments to try and help me cope with my depression. Talking about what is wrong, attempting to medicate it, struggling to find solutions. In my own personal opinion, it's been the hardest year of my life. Each turn where I think I've managed to grasp a lead, I ******** it up beyond repair. Relationships, friendships, jobs, internships, volunteering.
Every time I try and talk about what's going on in my head, and how my thoughts are forming and the course of action that is rationalizing within my brain, someone tells me that it will get better. It's not that I don't believe them, and I pretend hearing that actually helps. But, it hasn't gotten better. If anything, the situation is at an all time low.
Talking about it doesn't help, in fact, talking about it has managed to make my thoughts worse every time. I've spent the better part of 22 years living for other people, sticking around because other people say they'd be sad if I wasn't. I don't have anything I want to live for. I've play video games, I've had relationships, I've flirted my heart out, I've had the best drink and food money can buy. I've had all of the experiences people tend to put on their bucket lists.
I'm not saying that I'm going to kill myself, but I'm also not saying that I would try and keep myself alive in a situation that was unsafe. I think long term that this isn't healthy, and I'm sure that I'm not wrong about that. However, I just need to let everyone know, I'm not okay, I won't be okay, it might get better, but saying it will doesn't help.
So if you ask me how I'm doing, my response is always compared to the last time we talked.
If I'm alright. It's the same as it was last time, if I'm surprisingly better, something good enough to make me think another day isn't such a bad thing, happened. If sucky, then I'm in the dumps.
This isn't a chance for you to tell me some story about overcoming weaknesses, and I know there are people with way shittier situations than me that are much much stronger.
I'm not blind to the fact that this looks like some form of a cry for help, but that's not what it is.
Anyways, I'm just posting this so I have something to direct people to when they ask what's wrong.
Gonna make another post to explain current situation.
However, as time passes, so does the phase of pretending to be something I'm not, and as I've matured, the line between who I've chosen to be, and who I actually am has blurred. I am, in essence choosing to be who I really am, and for once in my life, I understand myself and my thoughts.
Another reason behind typing out this potential wall of text, and potentially opening my own can of worms, is that I think better when I can see what I'm thinking. If I can't see it, or hear it, then my thoughts don't really surface. The fly by faster than I can comprehend them. Overanalyzing things would be what a toddler does compared to the doctorate my brain seems to have achieved. I've spent so long trying to hide who I am, that I can't even catch my own lies when I tell them sometimes.
The only way to call my own bullshit is to say it, and then catch it after saying it. It doesn't work as well as reading it, and realizing how full of s**t a sentence is.
All of that being said, I wanted to inform everyone on my friends list, as well as those who maybe consider me a friend, but I have either neglected to add, or removed at some point. Maybe we just talk often, but don't have each other added. Such a thing happens.
I've been attending psychiatrists appointments for the better part of 11 months, appointments to try and help me cope with my depression. Talking about what is wrong, attempting to medicate it, struggling to find solutions. In my own personal opinion, it's been the hardest year of my life. Each turn where I think I've managed to grasp a lead, I ******** it up beyond repair. Relationships, friendships, jobs, internships, volunteering.
Every time I try and talk about what's going on in my head, and how my thoughts are forming and the course of action that is rationalizing within my brain, someone tells me that it will get better. It's not that I don't believe them, and I pretend hearing that actually helps. But, it hasn't gotten better. If anything, the situation is at an all time low.
Talking about it doesn't help, in fact, talking about it has managed to make my thoughts worse every time. I've spent the better part of 22 years living for other people, sticking around because other people say they'd be sad if I wasn't. I don't have anything I want to live for. I've play video games, I've had relationships, I've flirted my heart out, I've had the best drink and food money can buy. I've had all of the experiences people tend to put on their bucket lists.
I'm not saying that I'm going to kill myself, but I'm also not saying that I would try and keep myself alive in a situation that was unsafe. I think long term that this isn't healthy, and I'm sure that I'm not wrong about that. However, I just need to let everyone know, I'm not okay, I won't be okay, it might get better, but saying it will doesn't help.
So if you ask me how I'm doing, my response is always compared to the last time we talked.
If I'm alright. It's the same as it was last time, if I'm surprisingly better, something good enough to make me think another day isn't such a bad thing, happened. If sucky, then I'm in the dumps.
This isn't a chance for you to tell me some story about overcoming weaknesses, and I know there are people with way shittier situations than me that are much much stronger.
I'm not blind to the fact that this looks like some form of a cry for help, but that's not what it is.
Anyways, I'm just posting this so I have something to direct people to when they ask what's wrong.
Gonna make another post to explain current situation.
