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Bonjour Belle

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Post: 90850853_1 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 03:37:34 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 03:37:34 +0000

Hey, LI. So I've been dating this really wonderful girl for 8-ish months now. During those 8 months, we've always been really open with each other about exes and past loves. She's always told me stories about her first love, a girl we'll call S, and how their relationship was incredibly intense and ended incredibly abruptly. About a week ago, S started following her on Twitter and Instagram and had been liking her tweets and selfies. They broke up in high school, and my girlfriend is now a sophomore in college and they hadn't talked at all since they broke up. So it was definitely strange when S started taking an interest in her out of the blue. We talked about it and decided that it was best that she talk to S and to get the closure she needed. I had no problem with that (I actually encouraged it, because I've been in similar situations), but I also asked that she be honest with me when she decided to do so. All week, things have felt really distant and weird with my girlfriend and S has come up in conversation almost every day since she came back into my girlfriend's life. It's been making me feel incredibly insecure and I explained that to my girlfriend. To make matters worse, last night she ended up getting drunk and going to a frat party where she met up with her ex and spent the night hanging out with her. I didn't find this out until this morning and it really hurt me to know that she couldn't keep the one promise I asked of her. She reassured me that there were no romantic feelings, but that she did really enjoy hanging out with S and wanted to see her again. Tonight, they're meeting up for a late dinner. I know that the underlying issue with this is the trust I have in my girlfriend and our relationship, but I can't help feeling insecure and just plain sad that this is going on. I told her that it was really hurting me and that I'd appreciate she didn't talk to me until she figured out what she wanted to do about S, to which she replied "fine" and hung up on me. I've been crying in my room for hours now just feeling generally lonely and anxious. The fact that this girl was her first love just makes me really concerned, and I thought that, once they she got the closure she needed, my girlfriend wouldn't continue to maintain a relationship with her. But I was wrong. Has anyone gone through a similar situation that could give me some advice? Thanks so much.

StreetchIck123

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Post: 90850853_2 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 04:22:17 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 04:22:17 +0000

Yes and you know what I did?

I dropped them out of the blue. This girl still loves her first love. First loves are the hardest to get over and she still has feelings for her.

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Post: 90850853_3 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 09:58:25 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 09:58:25 +0000

No, this is a disaster waiting to happen. Dropkick her before she throws you away.

She never got over this girl, and she's lying with every breath to you to convince you otherwise, and her very obvious infatuation and obsession with her completely poisoned the relationship and your trust in her.

That girl gives your gf one iota of a glimmer of hope of getting back together and you will be trashed within 30 minutes. Don't set yourself up for that. Even if you have no concrete proof something has happened or may happen it's just one of those situations where you don't need intuition to figure this may end very badly for you.

The Luminosity

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Post: 90850853_4 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 13:52:00 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 13:52:00 +0000

Bonjour Belle

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Bonjour Belle

I told her that it was really hurting me and that I'd appreciate she didn't talk to me until she figured out what she wanted to do about S, to which she replied "fine" and hung up on me.

You've basically broken up with her, but her "fine," and then hanging up the phone response is troubling. I suggest that you just leave her alone and find someone else. It seems she doesn't love you as much as you think she does and that she loves her ex more.

In a healthy relationship, your girlfriend should have told you that she was going to meet her; and asked if you wanted to come. She failed to do the right thing, and being drunk isn't an excuse. Next, she should have tried to make plans for all three of you to hang out and get to know each other. If not and she continues to be secretive, then they're somewhat dating and catching up on the years they've missed.

Bonjour Belle

She's always told me stories about her first love, a girl we'll call S, and how their relationship was incredibly intense and ended incredibly abruptly.

The fact that she constantly talked about her ex means she was never over her. It's very sweet you encourage your girlfriend to find closure, but you inadvertently gave her the OK to rekindle a relationship she longed for and thought was lost forever; it's not your fault this happened; your girlfriend is going about her feelings, and the situation horribly.

It's a widely known rule that when you meet someone who talks about their ex (whether good or bad) a lot, it means they're still in love with him/her and that you should stay away. Dating a person who isn't over their ex will result in constant comparison between you and the ex or when the ex returns you'll end up getting dumped.

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Post: 90850853_5 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 13:56:25 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 13:56:25 +0000

That is really bad, and you're totally right to be jealous. It sounds like she does still have feelings for that ex, especially since they're hanging out so much.

I would sit her down and tell her your suspicions. Tell her she needs to chose. Does she want to be with S, or be with you?

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Post: 90850853_6 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 18:00:19 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 18:00:19 +0000

She planted your seeds of insecurity ,this whole situation doesn't sound right. The fact that she is not telling you everything and just hung up on you is a red flag. You have every right to question her actions .

I don't like giving ultimatum's but she kinda put in a position where it is warranted.

Irial Queen

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Post: 90850853_7 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 22:29:50 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 22:29:50 +0000

I do not have advice for you but I am going through a fairly similar situation right now and I just want to express how sorry I am that you are there too. I hope things improve and that you find a way to feel better. I really feel your pain. Good luck, and sorry this isn't helpful.

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Post: 90850853_8 created on Sun, 09 Mar 2014 23:39:41 +0000
Posted: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 23:39:41 +0000

Here's the thing about exes.

When you breakup with somebody, it could be for any number of reasons. But if the breakup is at all amicable, or mutual - especially in the case of "oh we just weren't in love" or something similar - then there is another element to having this person as your ex, and that's that they are still a person you enjoyed spending time with. This is a person you shared interests with and had fun being around. That doesn't just go away when your romantic feelings end, and if it does, it can sure as hell come back once all the wounds have healed.

I understand your insecurity and anxiety, and let me assure you that your girlfriend is going about this in COMPLETELY the wrong way. She is definitely in the wrong by keeping things from you and spending so much time with her ex without consulting you.

Here's what I'm guessing happened: they reconnected and discovered that they each still like the person that was underneath the relationship, and the love. Does this necessarily mean your girlfriend is falling back in love with her ex? No. Does it mean she potentially could? Yes. The fact that you don't feel confident and trustworthy enough of your girlfriend or the status of your relationship to not get completely shaken by this turn of events is a little worrisome. In a strong partnership, these things should be able to be resolved without a fight, because the people who are currently in love should trust each other enough to not let something like this affect them. It can be hard, but it's true.

I don't know if I agree with giving your girlfriend an ultimatum, which is probably why she hung up on you. Even though I think she is not handling this properly, I don't think you are either. You need to treat her like an equal, not like you're trying to parent her, and what it seems like - from her perspective - is that you're trying to control her life.

Is it well within your rights to ask her to be open and honest about this? Absolutely. Should she be going behind your back and literally going on dates with her ex? No, I don't think so. But people tend to respond poorly to someone telling them to make a choice that they feel will hurt them.

Honestly I imagine your girlfriend is a little confused right now. Here's someone who literally ignored her for years and then started contacting her out of the blue. In reality it was probably something as simple as "Hey I wonder what this person is up to these days", but from the point of view of a relationship, it can come across as something much worse. I doubt your girlfriend is falling back in love with a high school sweetheart, and that she is just plainly happy to reconnect with an old friend. That might be something you just have to live with, if you want to stay together with your girlfriend.

My suggestion for how to fix things would be to have an open-hearted, face-to-face (not over the phone or text, that's asking for trouble) conversation with your girlfriend about your feelings. NO accusations. NO screaming. NO ultimatums. Have a rational, calm, and mature conversation like adults.

And I'm sorry to say this but... if you can't take your girlfriend at her word when she says that there's nothing to worry about, then why are you dating someone you can't trust?

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