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Some background about the situation: My best friend Jay and I have known each other for six years now. We've been best friends for about four of those years. He and I are currently attending the same university and live right next door to each other. We do almost everything together and we talk about everything and anything. He's my rock. He's always been up-front with me about all my boy issues and he's put up with me through some of my shittiest years. I turn to him for everything.

The past four years have been really rough for me (so basically, all of high school sucked for me). All the relationships I have been with have been nothing but destructive. My first boyfriend abused me physically and emotionally and cut me off from any of my friends and family. That was probably the darkest two years of my life. My next boyfriend after that lasted only six months, but I lost my virginity to him and ended up getting dumped as soon as we had a pregnancy scare (thank goodness it was false, but he still ditched). My most recent boyfriend ended up being extremely controlling and manipulative. He was always jealous and cut me off from my friends, much like my first boyfriend. He couldn't handle the idea that I was in college, two hours away from him. Things got really ugly really fast. It took me a long time to muster the courage to leave him.

I've been single about two months now. It's been really difficult adjusting and learning to make friends again. The only friends I ever got close to (and stayed close to) were Jay and another friend named Pamela. Because Pam goes to school in another city now, Jay and I have gotten especially close. He is always open to listening to me and he's never abandoned me during these tough past few months. He's kept me sane.

Lately, he's been encouraging me to go out and make friends. It's hard, because I've been so alone for so long, but I've begun opening up more. Recently, I've made good friends with two other guys who live in my dorm. Danny and Anthony. They're both very sweet guys and although I know I'm not anywhere near ready to date again, I've begun hanging out with them more and more. It's felt good to make new friends and to be free. I feel like I finally have my life back. I'm in control of my life and my decisions now. I'm no longer making decisions to make my boyfriend happy. I'm no longer trying to please anyone and make anyone else happy at the sake of myself. I'm not living for some guy anymore. This is me, being single, being free, and rediscovering myself.

Jay spent the night with me yesterday and we talked for a long time about what I'm doing with myself. I told him that I liked Danny and Anthony but that I wasn't ready to date again, so that if anything, I'd just take it slow and see if it would work out for me. He was kind of quiet, but I didn't think anything of it. When I woke up, Jay had gone to class but he had left a note on my desk saying:

"I haven't really made the time to say this and at one point I wasn't sure I wanted to, but I figured I might as well. For the past two days (well, kind of the past four years), you've been venting to me about what you want from a guy and I decided that I wanted to be the guy to do all that. If we've been friends for too long then I understand. You can just disregard this message and I'll pretend I never wrote it too. But if there is even a chance that you think it could work out for us at some point, give me a sign and we will talk about it in further detail."

I don't know what to do. I didn't even believe what I had read at first. I love Jay, but I've been so concerned with the wrong guys for so many years, I never thought to look at him in that way. I was always jealous, saying, "Why can't they be like you, Jay?" but I suppose I thought I didn't deserve someone like him. That's why I never got a "good guy"...because I was shitty person and I didn't deserve him. but now, here is my best friend, telling me after six years that he wants to be with me. What do I do? I think he finally confessed because he's afraid to lose me to Danny or Anthony, but I don't know.

If I take him up on his offer and pursue a relationship with him (slowly, of course, I don't want to rush into anything), then it could go two ways. It could end up being great and I could finally have someone who loves me and understands me for all that I am. Or it could end badly and I could lose the best friend I have ever had.

If I don't take him up on his offer, I know he will just go back to pretending it never happened. He's good at that. But what if I change my mind? Now that I know he cares about me, what if my feelings for him do develop into more? No one in the world knows me or understands me or loves me more than he does. What if I change my mind later and he's already moved on from me? I'd be losing my chance at the one good guy in the world who loves me.

What do I do? Everyone I've talked to has simply told me, "For once in your life, do something for yourself. What's going to make YOU happy?" but I don't know because I don't know what I want. I'm so afraid to lose him, but I'm also afraid of myself. What if I'm not ready for a good guy? what if I mess up? What if I really DONT deserve him? What then?

You are afraid of another failed relationship; of commitment, and of rejection and losing someone. But you are not afraid of this man, Jay. You told us straight-up. No one loves you or knows you as well as he does. You have already been together for 6 years. You are best friends. That, lovey, is someone you can have a future with. That is someone who has made you happy for long enough that you still care for him even now.

The only thing that is stopping you is physical limitations. Hold his hand or give him a good cuddle and see if your heart flips in your chest. Baby steps. Just like an elementary crush, let yourself experience these feelings for once. You might like it. emotion_c8

Well let's stop with the whole "you don't deserve a good guy" idea. It's ridiculous. Everyone deserves someone who treats them right.

I would say go for it. I had similar situations in high school with close guy friends but never acted towards letting the relationship go past being more than friends. I think that was a mistake because like you I settle for crappier boyfriends instead of the good guys I already had in my life. If he's already so important to you and always there for you, he seems like a great choice for a boyfriend. Plus if he's stayed so close to you and admitted these feelings, it sounds like he's pretty certain how he feels about you.

My point being, you could keep dating these guys that aren't working for you. And in few years when you're done with school and possibly go your separate ways, you'll look back and smack yourself for not taking this chance.

It's scary to lose a possible friend, but this guy sound like he would the boyfriend you've been looking for.