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Hi there again GD. If you read my first post a week ago you may know I am having trouble in the dating world! I apologize if this long, I am trying to keep it short.

You see, I have never been in a healthy, caring relationship. I am 21 and people tell me I am too young. But, I have never been in a healthy relationship. Hell, the one relationship I was in turned abusive and ended with him sleeping with his Ex girlfriend. And this whole summer seems to be filled with rejection. It's starting to take toll on my emotionally and one my self-conciseness. So I can't help but wonder if there is something about me that somehow repels a good person into my life for a relationship. Hell, this guy who I was looking forward to seeing all of a sudden didn't respond to a confirmation text for grabbing drinks yesterday. We were going to see each other tonight, but he didn't respond to the text and I still haven't heard from him since Sunday when we made the plan.

The guy in which I speak of

Summary: Guy I like who I was talking to for awhile, I told my friend about him. She wanted to see. She came over in a midriff top, boobs out and tight jeans. She started flirting with him. He asked if we wanted to grab drinks with him and she was like 'yes'! But then says he should give me his number. He does but of course I have this negative feeling in my gut he was no longer interested in me. She is jumping up and down. This whole time I was like: why didn't you leave when I asked you to, or why did you wear that outfit when I asked you not to be overly sexually dressed? And of course she has a kid and is in a relationship. Me and him text for a few days and then he asks if I wanted to hang out. I say sure, he says would my friend be interested in coming a long. *yipes* I tell him I would like it to just be the two of us. He said sure. We made plans and now I fear I am being stood up by a silent rejection because I am not my friend.

So I feel like s**t, I may have gotten rejected since I still have no confirmation on plans.

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

Who I am: In simple terms, I am a Geek, a martial artist, an artist in general, a dancer, a student, a swimmer, a hard worker and an activist. I love reading, I love playing video games. I love to cosplay. I love eating new foods. I love to bake sweets and breads (even working on glutton free stuff) I have an active social life. I am 21. I got a degree in fashion and I am now finishing my BACHELORS in Womens studies with a minor in Human Sexuality and Gender. I am an assistant teacher at an elementary school, teaching martial arts. I stay busy Monday through Friday (Taking 15 credit hours). I am currently learning a second language. I travel a lot. I sew a lot. I generally enjoy my own company and being single usually doesn't bother me. I am told that I am very laid back, non-judgmental. I can balance between feminine and masculine with ease.

I go on a few dates here and there. But I like the relationship I have with myself. That is until I meet someone I really enjoy and want to get to know. People say I am physically attractive all the time, and people say that I am such a beautiful person on the inside. That I am a good friend and who is reliable. So if people can find so many good traits about me, why can't I seem to find a healthy relationship? I didn't start dating until I got out of highschool (Similar to "never been kissed" with Drew Barrymore . So I don't have a lot of experience. But since I am always so busy I usually don't have an opportunity to be needy or clingy. Friends do say I can be very Alpha and I can be intimidating. That I don't get pushed around and I don't tolerate any bull.


Summary of the past few rejections of guys I really liked (recently I haven't been attracted to many girls): These are guys passionate about what they want to do, usually does traveling. One spoke multiple languages. I usually prefer guys who have a similar degree of interest in martial arts and training, active lifestyles. People who work and pursue additional education. People who enjoy trying new things. I love people who enjoy gaming and geek culture. (as I am an Admin for a Batman Page). These guys generally have had many traits I have enjoyed in the opposite sex.

Guys who pursue me: Usually tend to jump the relationship gun. Before we even had one date they blow up my phone, ask if I am dating other men and that I should only be seeing them. People who don't get out or explore the world. Not pursuing any higher sense of self. Usually not very active. When I am around them I get the feeling that they are interested in the idea of me or an image and not actually seeing who I am. They are nice guys but they can be very overbearing and clingy. They seem to need my attention and generally say things I don't agree with (politically and moral beliefs and family values)

I am lost, confused and not sure what I am doing wrong here. I know I have faults, but I also feel like I have so much to offer. I don't expect to find the "one" because I have many goals for the future. But it would be nice to figure out what I am doing that keeps me from finding something supportive right now.

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Anyone?

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You are not too young. But that said, there is no reason to be in a rush either. It's important to take your time, and be patient with relationships. Being in a rush is a good way to miss out on or ignore red flags, and set yourself up for heartbreak.

In regards to this guy that you are talking about. This is a pretty clear example of why I felt it necessary to write the last paragraph. Too much desire to have a companion can lead one to overlook things that they shouldn't. It sounds as if you are prepared to be someone's second choice. You deserve to be someone's first. Him paying more attention to that other girl, asking if she could come along, when you were clearly looking for it to be the two of you. These are red flags that you should not ignore. The actions of a guy like that are only likely to get worse, rather than better, especially if he notices that he was able to get away with acting that way with you. It's almost an invitation to that sort.

So where are the good guys?

They can be tricky to find. Fact is, you lead a very busy life. That can leave you with little time for your search, and can also potentially make it a little difficult for someone to approach you. You sound like a fantastic person though, and as long as you stay positive, and take what time you do have to get to know different guys, you will meet someone. Just make sure that you take the time to get to know them before you allow feelings to develop.

Someone that seems amazing on the surface may be anything but. Hold off on judgement one way or another, until you have had a chance for some extended conversations. Get to know them, what they are about, how they view the world. Find out if their views, their ethics, their goals in life, are compatible with yours. Without taking, or at least making, the time to do these things, it's always going to be a bit of a crapshoot.

There is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you have a great deal figured out, for one so young. Be aware that many your age are not quite at that point in life yet though. All the more reason to exercise a bit of healthy caution, and take your time. Good luck. smile

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It sounds like you're in a dating funk. Everyone gets them at some point and the only thing you can do is just hold off. I think I've been pretty lucky that every time I got out of a relationship, a new guy was right around the corner ready to pick up a new interest.

But I can commiserate. There were some really long stretches were I myself had a dating funk too. You just gotta let it pass and learn to throw yourself in whatever you're doing and allow that to take the pressure off of meeting some one.

And hey, why not just go on a couple of dates while you're at it. Something really simple and friendly just to get out there so you still feel like you're being active in the dating scene.

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Grand K

Thank you smile

Your right. When I asked my mother about this she just said go ahead, maybe he needs a company to feel okay talking to a girl. I should've listened to my gut instinct on this. I just feel so used. I never thought I would be the friend a guy uses to get to the more "attractive" friend once I got out of high school. It feels like high school all over again. So I feel a little shaken up. I guess I would've preferred if he was more upfront about being interested in her instead of stringing me along.

But I also can't help be angry at my friend. She is supposed to be in my corner but she was acting as a solo agent. So I think that hurt me even more, being a second choice to someone who is supposed to be a very close friend. It feels like she unintentionally screwed me over and now I am here questioning myself as a person, the guy who I thought had some level of interest but was stringing me along and my friend who can't seem to watch her own actions. Just a complete shock to my system, especially after a guy disappeared on me after two months of dating and without much of a work. I am just so confused and I am wondering about my relationship with her.

I am very happy with where I am going and I was already in one abusive relationship, so I refuse to get caught up in another one. So I will try to show more patience. It's funny because people always say I am laid back but I am always so energized so it is sometimes hard for me to put on the brakes.

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Blue Mist

It sounds like you're in a dating funk. Everyone gets them at some point and the only thing you can do is just hold off. I think I've been pretty lucky that every time I got out of a relationship, a new guy was right around the corner ready to pick up a new interest.

But I can commiserate. There were some really long stretches were I myself had a dating funk too. You just gotta let it pass and learn to throw yourself in whatever you're doing and allow that to take the pressure off of meeting some one.

And hey, why not just go on a couple of dates while you're at it. Something really simple and friendly just to get out there so you still feel like you're being active in the dating scene.


This is a very long dating funk. I don't think I've ever been a consistent dater. Yeah. I got plenty to do, so it shouldn't be hard to keep my mind off of things.

But who would I date? I don't want to date the guys who were not my type. Don't want to string them along. That seems like a really good idea but I don't know where to begin.

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Ada Satin
Grand K

Thank you smile

Your right. When I asked my mother about this she just said go ahead, maybe he needs a company to feel okay talking to a girl. I should've listened to my gut instinct on this. I just feel so used. I never thought I would be the friend a guy uses to get to the more "attractive" friend once I got out of high school. It feels like high school all over again. So I feel a little shaken up. I guess I would've preferred if he was more upfront about being interested in her instead of stringing me along.

But I also can't help be angry at my friend. She is supposed to be in my corner but she was acting as a solo agent. So I think that hurt me even more, being a second choice to someone who is supposed to be a very close friend. It feels like she unintentionally screwed me over and now I am here questioning myself as a person, the guy who I thought had some level of interest but was stringing me along and my friend who can't seem to watch her own actions. Just a complete shock to my system, especially after a guy disappeared on me after two months of dating and without much of a work. I am just so confused and I am wondering about my relationship with her.

I am very happy with where I am going and I was already in one abusive relationship, so I refuse to get caught up in another one. So I will try to show more patience. It's funny because people always say I am laid back but I am always so energized so it is sometimes hard for me to put on the brakes.

I understand that this is frustrating, and I don't think that guy deserves your attention if he thinks he can use you, BUT you can't blame your friend.

You said yourself that it was unintentional. She does not have a responsibility to change her clothes or her personality to fix your relationship problems. It is useless to blame other people for your own issues.

As far as finding the right guy, where do you usually meet guys and how do you get to know them? I find it best to meet a guy in an activity or group that I am also a part of(for me it was church). That way you already have something in common and you can get to know each other a few times before actually dating. Be careful not to act TOO much like a friend or buddy. If you act like you're just one of the guys, you'll get treated that way.

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Blue Mist

It sounds like you're in a dating funk. Everyone gets them at some point and the only thing you can do is just hold off. I think I've been pretty lucky that every time I got out of a relationship, a new guy was right around the corner ready to pick up a new interest.

But I can commiserate. There were some really long stretches were I myself had a dating funk too. You just gotta let it pass and learn to throw yourself in whatever you're doing and allow that to take the pressure off of meeting some one.

And hey, why not just go on a couple of dates while you're at it. Something really simple and friendly just to get out there so you still feel like you're being active in the dating scene.


This is a very long dating funk. I don't think I've ever been a consistent dater. Yeah. I got plenty to do, so it shouldn't be hard to keep my mind off of things.

But who would I date? I don't want to date the guys who were not my type. Don't want to string them along. That seems like a really good idea but I don't know where to begin.


I understand what you mean with the whole spectrum of guys that like you but aren't good at all.
But there are those guys who arent too bad looking, arent that great, but arent bad that you come across. You know, the ones that dont sparkle and make your pants trickle. THOSE are the ones you date. Because they definitely end up being diamonds in the rough.

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Ada Satin


This is a very long dating funk. I don't think I've ever been a consistent dater. Yeah. I got plenty to do, so it shouldn't be hard to keep my mind off of things.

But who would I date? I don't want to date the guys who were not my type. Don't want to string them along. That seems like a really good idea but I don't know where to begin.

I wouldn't be too strict or harsh about your "type". You said that you haven't really dated much, so how can you really KNOW what your type is? You might be surprised.

I'm not saying you should date guys you can't stand, but if a guy shows an interest and he seems like an alright guy, give him a chance. There's nothing wrong with going on a few dates before realizing that he's not right for you. That's what dating is for!!

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TheVintageRomantic
Ada Satin
Grand K

Thank you smile

Your right. When I asked my mother about this she just said go ahead, maybe he needs a company to feel okay talking to a girl. I should've listened to my gut instinct on this. I just feel so used. I never thought I would be the friend a guy uses to get to the more "attractive" friend once I got out of high school. It feels like high school all over again. So I feel a little shaken up. I guess I would've preferred if he was more upfront about being interested in her instead of stringing me along.

But I also can't help be angry at my friend. She is supposed to be in my corner but she was acting as a solo agent. So I think that hurt me even more, being a second choice to someone who is supposed to be a very close friend. It feels like she unintentionally screwed me over and now I am here questioning myself as a person, the guy who I thought had some level of interest but was stringing me along and my friend who can't seem to watch her own actions. Just a complete shock to my system, especially after a guy disappeared on me after two months of dating and without much of a work. I am just so confused and I am wondering about my relationship with her.

I am very happy with where I am going and I was already in one abusive relationship, so I refuse to get caught up in another one. So I will try to show more patience. It's funny because people always say I am laid back but I am always so energized so it is sometimes hard for me to put on the brakes.

I understand that this is frustrating, and I don't think that guy deserves your attention if he thinks he can use you, BUT you can't blame your friend.

You said yourself that it was unintentional. She does not have a responsibility to change her clothes or her personality to fix your relationship problems. It is useless to blame other people for your own issues.

As far as finding the right guy, where do you usually meet guys and how do you get to know them? I find it best to meet a guy in an activity or group that I am also a part of(for me it was church). That way you already have something in common and you can get to know each other a few times before actually dating. Be careful not to act TOO much like a friend or buddy. If you act like you're just one of the guys, you'll get treated that way.


I'm not saying I blame her. But I am saying that if someone want's to be your wing person, that this behavior doesn't achieve that. It would be completely different if she was single and on the hunt. I probably wouldn't have let her come to my house when he was here working on it. But she said she wanted to support me and her actions didn't do that. Which is why I am so angry with her. Especially when I asked her to tone it down if thats what she wanted to do. I didn't ask her to fix my relationship problems, she decided to try and take that up herself.

One guy I met at a dinner party at a friends house, a few guys at comic con, a few guys at school, I tried online dating a couple of times. Some guys at music events, others at art showings. Right now a few guys from the swimming class have expressed interest. I'm fairly spread out on how and when I meet guys.

By acting masculine I didn't mean by acting like one of the guys. It's more about tones of aggression and being forward. Being extroverted instead of being introverted. So Feminine and Masculine in a energy sense.

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Blue Mist
Ada Satin
Blue Mist

It sounds like you're in a dating funk. Everyone gets them at some point and the only thing you can do is just hold off. I think I've been pretty lucky that every time I got out of a relationship, a new guy was right around the corner ready to pick up a new interest.

But I can commiserate. There were some really long stretches were I myself had a dating funk too. You just gotta let it pass and learn to throw yourself in whatever you're doing and allow that to take the pressure off of meeting some one.

And hey, why not just go on a couple of dates while you're at it. Something really simple and friendly just to get out there so you still feel like you're being active in the dating scene.


This is a very long dating funk. I don't think I've ever been a consistent dater. Yeah. I got plenty to do, so it shouldn't be hard to keep my mind off of things.

But who would I date? I don't want to date the guys who were not my type. Don't want to string them along. That seems like a really good idea but I don't know where to begin.


I understand what you mean with the whole spectrum of guys that like you but aren't good at all.
But there are those guys who arent too bad looking, arent that great, but arent bad that you come across. You know, the ones that dont sparkle and make your pants trickle. THOSE are the ones you date. Because they definitely end up being diamonds in the rough.


Yeah I can try. I'll try keeping my roster a little more open.

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Ada Satin
Grand K

Thank you smile

Your right. When I asked my mother about this she just said go ahead, maybe he needs a company to feel okay talking to a girl. I should've listened to my gut instinct on this. I just feel so used. I never thought I would be the friend a guy uses to get to the more "attractive" friend once I got out of high school. It feels like high school all over again. So I feel a little shaken up. I guess I would've preferred if he was more upfront about being interested in her instead of stringing me along.

But I also can't help be angry at my friend. She is supposed to be in my corner but she was acting as a solo agent. So I think that hurt me even more, being a second choice to someone who is supposed to be a very close friend. It feels like she unintentionally screwed me over and now I am here questioning myself as a person, the guy who I thought had some level of interest but was stringing me along and my friend who can't seem to watch her own actions. Just a complete shock to my system, especially after a guy disappeared on me after two months of dating and without much of a work. I am just so confused and I am wondering about my relationship with her.

I am very happy with where I am going and I was already in one abusive relationship, so I refuse to get caught up in another one. So I will try to show more patience. It's funny because people always say I am laid back but I am always so energized so it is sometimes hard for me to put on the brakes.


I don't know what you look like, or what she looks like, so I can't comment on who is more attractive than not. What I can comment on, is the fact that you described her as showing up dressed somewhat provocatively. Given what you've told me about this guy, it seems fairly clear that he wasn't thinking with the head on his shoulders.

As for your friend - I really don't know what to say about that. Could be that she is an awesome person, but just didn't think much about it. Was she aware that she was just supposed to be playing wingman? Did she know that you were interested in this guy? Does she tend to dress that way?

It's possible to be both laid back and energized, at least in regards to desire for a relationship. I'm pretty eager to move on in my own life, but I am trying to control my feelings and expectations to the best of my ability to prevent myself from being hurt again. A good deal of what I wrote there to you was aimed just as much at myself as you. But as you mentioned, brakes are a damned useful tool. XD

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TheVintageRomantic
Ada Satin


This is a very long dating funk. I don't think I've ever been a consistent dater. Yeah. I got plenty to do, so it shouldn't be hard to keep my mind off of things.

But who would I date? I don't want to date the guys who were not my type. Don't want to string them along. That seems like a really good idea but I don't know where to begin.

I wouldn't be too strict or harsh about your "type". You said that you haven't really dated much, so how can you really KNOW what your type is? You might be surprised.

I'm not saying you should date guys you can't stand, but if a guy shows an interest and he seems like an alright guy, give him a chance. There's nothing wrong with going on a few dates before realizing that he's not right for you. That's what dating is for!!


It's more of I know what I don't want and less then what I do want in a guy. Most of the guys I've dated tend to have less in common then my OP might have entailed.

I don't want emotionally needy/clingy guys. I don't like guys who are morally aggressive. I don't want guys with goals in life. I don't like guys who don't try new things. I don't like guys who aren't aware in the world. I feel that sadly these seem to be the guys who keep popping up in my life who are interested in me. So Dating can be very draining especially when I don't do it often, it makes me want to do it less. confused

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Grand K
Ada Satin
Grand K

Thank you smile

Your right. When I asked my mother about this she just said go ahead, maybe he needs a company to feel okay talking to a girl. I should've listened to my gut instinct on this. I just feel so used. I never thought I would be the friend a guy uses to get to the more "attractive" friend once I got out of high school. It feels like high school all over again. So I feel a little shaken up. I guess I would've preferred if he was more upfront about being interested in her instead of stringing me along.

But I also can't help be angry at my friend. She is supposed to be in my corner but she was acting as a solo agent. So I think that hurt me even more, being a second choice to someone who is supposed to be a very close friend. It feels like she unintentionally screwed me over and now I am here questioning myself as a person, the guy who I thought had some level of interest but was stringing me along and my friend who can't seem to watch her own actions. Just a complete shock to my system, especially after a guy disappeared on me after two months of dating and without much of a work. I am just so confused and I am wondering about my relationship with her.

I am very happy with where I am going and I was already in one abusive relationship, so I refuse to get caught up in another one. So I will try to show more patience. It's funny because people always say I am laid back but I am always so energized so it is sometimes hard for me to put on the brakes.


I don't know what you look like, or what she looks like, so I can't comment on who is more attractive than not. What I can comment on, is the fact that you described her as showing up dressed somewhat provocatively. Given what you've told me about this guy, it seems fairly clear that he wasn't thinking with the head on his shoulders.

As for your friend - I really don't know what to say about that. Could be that she is an awesome person, but just didn't think much about it. Was she aware that she was just supposed to be playing wingman? Did she know that you were interested in this guy? Does she tend to dress that way?

It's possible to be both laid back and energized, at least in regards to desire for a relationship. I'm pretty eager to move on in my own life, but I am trying to control my feelings and expectations to the best of my ability to prevent myself from being hurt again. A good deal of what I wrote there to you was aimed just as much at myself as you. But as you mentioned, brakes are a damned useful tool. XD

She is. She is one of my closest friends. But after she became a model she started getting a personality adjustment. A little more selfish. She wanted to be. I never asked her to and told her that I didn't' want her staying long because I had stuff to finish at home. That an she had spent the night and we spent all afternoon. She said she didn't want to leave and wanted to keep watching the "scenery". She knew I was interested in him.

I expressed clear interest in him, which is why she wanted to come over and meet him. I told her I was really excited because I met a guy who, when I talked to, would find ways to relate to what I was saying: Ex// I told him I was a fashion major and he told me that was very exciting and his grandfather works as a tailor and his cousin went to fashion school. This of course being an example of a few conversations me and him had in a course of a few days. We talked about Japanese tattoos, being martial artists, the art scene downtown and what he likes to do on free times.

Provocative if we are going to the club. Very short skirts. But whenever we went out to do shopping she is a very comfortable dresser. Doesn't dress to flashy. Not very revealing. Shirt and jeans and a jacket. So this felt fairly deliberate.

Haha, yeah. I think that's where the no experience comes in for me. I sometimes get so excited I don't want to wait long if I can help it. I never been one to bed a guy right away but I can start getting antsy.

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Ada Satin

She is. She is one of my closest friends. But after she became a model she started getting a personality adjustment. A little more selfish. She wanted to be. I never asked her to and told her that I didn't' want her staying long because I had stuff to finish at home. That an she had spent the night and we spent all afternoon. She said she didn't want to leave and wanted to keep watching the "scenery". She knew I was interested in him.

I expressed clear interest in him, which is why she wanted to come over and meet him. I told her I was really excited because I met a guy who, when I talked to, would find ways to relate to what I was saying: Ex// I told him I was a fashion major and he told me that was very exciting and his grandfather works as a tailor and his cousin went to fashion school. This of course being an example of a few conversations me and him had in a course of a few days. We talked about Japanese tattoos, being martial artists, the art scene downtown and what he likes to do on free times.

Provocative if we are going to the club. Very short skirts. But whenever we went out to do shopping she is a very comfortable dresser. Doesn't dress to flashy. Not very revealing. Shirt and jeans and a jacket. So this felt fairly deliberate.

Haha, yeah. I think that's where the no experience comes in for me. I sometimes get so excited I don't want to wait long if I can help it. I never been one to bed a guy right away but I can start getting antsy.


Based on that much, it sounds like he would be a nice enough guy. In an odd way, though your friend seems to have clearly done you wrong in this case, she really wound up doing you a favor by exposing another side of him that might have taken far longer for you to have witnessed on your own.

In regards to your friend... has she ever shown any signs of competitiveness with you in the past or.. I guess after she began acting selfishly as you described?

I understand. I don't feel as if I have ever been in a rush to sleep with anyone or turn things sexual, but I do enjoy the feeling of having feelings for someone, and the rush that comes with the emotions tied to that. Having breaks is one thing, learning how to find them and hit them is another matter. sweatdrop That said, it gets easier with experience. I'm more cautious now due to being burned enough times to be worried about it.
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