Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'll be critiquing your writing, so here's a little key. Grammar mistakes are in red, verb tense mistakes are in italics spelling mistakes are in green, suggestions are in blue, sentence issues are bold, and miscellaneous mistakes are in gray.



This sentence is a run-on, and I have made a suggestion of how to fix it. Asterisks have no place in dialogue; use quotation marks instead. "Don't" is a contraction, and it requires an apostrophe.



The word "I", in reference to oneself, is capitalized. Ridding means to get rid of something, while riding means to ride on something. (I know it's kind of obvious, sorry)



There are some dialogue issues here. Usually, dialogue carries a narrative part. For example:

"Let's go play!" said Billy-Bob.

Of course, there are many things that can be used instead of said, and there is a link to two hundred and fourteen of those synonyms below.



The second half of this quote is a fragment which I've suggested a revision for.



This is a run-on which I've suggested a revision for.



This is a run-on which I've suggested a revision for. There are some verb tense issues, which I've put in italics. Until this point in the story, everything was in past tense, but from this point on, everything is in present tense.



Where exactly is the main character walking back to?



This is a run-on which I've suggested a revision for.



The link included here is directed to a few synonyms for the word "walk", which is a somewhat weak descriptive word.



The link included here is directed to two hundred and fourteen synonyms for the word "said", which is a somewhat weak descriptive word.



Why are the parents always out of town for two weeks? Do they know about Adrian? Do they know he sleeps over? To me, it sounds like bad parenting.



If her parents are constantly out of town, do they drop her off in New Mexico every time? Or is it just to go visit? Is the main character staying with one aunt or multiple? (It confused me slightly)







So he ditches the main character in the middle of the night. What a fantastic guy.



The reason why I didn't correct the dialogue in this part is because I'm not exactly sure how to format text message dialogue, as I have never done it before (nor have I ever had any need to).



Random time skip because....?



So, the main character is back with her boyfriend? That's slightly... Obsessive. What happened to her friends?



Okay, I'm so confused about what they're doing at this point.



Sudden vernacular changing to Ebonics because...? By the way, who is saying what?



This is a run-on which I've suggested a way to correct.



I still have no idea what's going on here. I assume the main character and her boyfriend are playing dress up.



This is a dinosaur of a run-on, which I've corrected for you.



Um. Okay? That's kind of random.



So, if the boyfriend knows what the main character means, then he must be thinking about it. No wonder why he's sleeping over constantly; he's trying to get lucky.



Someone's excited. Or unwilling. I can't really tell from the lack of details.











It doesn't sound very responsible. Either he constantly had a condom with him, or the main character is on birth control, or the main character is boy, or the main character is probably pregnant now.



But wait, I thought Adrian was always staying the night.



So the main character blew off her friends to do the dirty with her boyfriend. She promised to hang out with them, or "be down for the night", or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it now-a-days. What happened?

Of course the main character isn't hungry; she just ate something.

They slept until 4:30? Um, I'm not sure how realistic that is.

So, Adrian's mother shows up, and the main character answers the door naked? What?



Okay, so the main character lies to the mother, why? Is she not supposed to be with her son? If that's the case, why would she show up at the main character's house? Does she know the main character is dating her son? If she doesn't, why would she show up at the main character's house? Isn't Adrian smart enough to call his mother and let him know where he is? Isn't he responsible enough? If he's not responsible enough to let his mother know where he is, he's probably not responsible enough to use a condom, either. If a mother was missing her son for the entire day, wouldn't she be blowing up his phone and threatening to call the cops? Assuming he's been gone for nearly twenty four hours, and his friends haven't seen him, she would get the cops involved.





Frantic.



Did it hit him?



Uh uh...



He seems like a slow child.









Okay, so he gets dressed and runs home to mama. Both characters sound waaaaay too young for sex. If the main character is going on an airplane tomorrow, how will she still see her boyfriend? And what's with the "aha"?





Okay, I'm going to word this as nicely as I can. This sounds like it would be an erotic story (especially because of the wink face at the end), except due to Gaia TOS you wouldn't be able to write the "juicy" parts. The parents just so happen to be out of the picture for some period of time, and it seemed that there wasn't even any point to saying anything about the airplane or the dead grandfather because those details weren't really necessary. There were no details about either character and the main character doesn't even have a name or an expressed gender. Both sets of parental figures don't seem to care about their children, and things don't exactly make sense throughout this story. There was also a point where I had no idea what was going on, and I'm sure most who read it would not quite understand that part either.

Other than that, it does sound like it could turn into an "ah crap, pregnancy" kind of story, which is always interesting to read. Will you be continuing this?

I know that sounds very harsh, but I am not good at sugar-coating things. My apologies.

Have a good day/noon/night/morning/dawn/dusk/etc, and happy writing! 3nodding