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Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say? 0.29263329263329 29.3% [ 719 ]
Before I rise to my defense, 0.04965404965405 5.0% [ 122 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear, 0.057387057387057 5.7% [ 141 ]
Before I build that wall of words, 0.043142043142043 4.3% [ 106 ]
Tell me: did I really hear? 0.1029711029711 10.3% [ 253 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls, 0.097273097273097 9.7% [ 239 ]
They sentence us, or set us free. 0.062271062271062 6.2% [ 153 ]
When I speak and when I hear, 0.029304029304029 2.9% [ 72 ]
Let the love light shine through me. 0.26536426536427 26.5% [ 652 ]
Total Votes:[ 2457 ]

Twenty one tomorrow.
I don't feel that old, nor do I believe I look that old. I'd kill to look older, be a few inches taller, be a little wider.
-------

Nothing else to say.

Human Garbage

Surgical incision scar hurts like absolute hell today. Don't know why. I've been healed for a long time now...

Shy Perfectionist

Why would you make a fire in your yard during one of the warmest days of the year? Do you not understand that you have neighbours who might want to open a window?

Devoted Bloodsucker


I feel kind of proud of myself.
I listed all my illnesses (that I remember, I'm likely forgetting one... or two or three) in a journal entry.
I posted it as a reference when I have to explain "I'm not always focused or around, I'm often in the hospital, distracted, sick, etc" to send to friends...
Also, I posted it to get it off my chest.
It's kind of... cathartic. Admitting it, instead of running from all of it, for once...
Though it does remind me just how many follow-ups I need to get back to.
But... it's almost a weight off my chest to admit it. To not have any denial...
I'm sick and I'm proud that I'm not dead! ...Or something.... sweatdrop

Devoted Bloodsucker


Why does it sound so bad when I write it all out? gonk
I sound like some kind of glass doll... poke me and I'll die.
Maybe my denial is deeper than I thought...

Shapeshifter

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A at work has been a little cunty.

There is a major difference when she leaves. I actually enjoy work when she isn't around.
I would say i notice a difference between how she treats me verses how she treats others. She's been like this to me since I came back.

But, you know, you bring s**t up and make points only to hear the response 'Oh, I don't mean to be that way at all! I'm not purposely acting like that, I'm sorry~'

bullshit.

Blessed Muse


Of course we haven't ******** eaten yet.
Of course we're not even thinking of eating yet.
Because YOU had ******** LUNCH.
Me?
I've been surviving on ******** breakfast biscuits.
One packet of four small cookies that are "nutritionally balanced to release energy slowly".
And you?
You don't think of ME.
You think only of your ******** selves.
And that's the way it's always ******** been.
---------------
Angry, hungry, tired.
******** everything.

Shapeshifter

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Like yesterday, she was ordering me around. 'I want you up at the front answering phones and putting labels on boxes'.

No one else was ordered to do *anything*. I went to help out at the oven when there was no labels to deal with or phone calls.

"Gabby go the front with the phones."

yeah ok
I'll ******** do that when the phone RINGS or the LABELS print out.

Because you're basically asking me to stand around in the front with a thumb up my a**.

Sorry chick, I'm gonna do whatever job that needs to get done. Get bent.

Shapeshifter

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And lastly, you really need to get onto people that are avoiding phones. Avoiding any job up in the front.

Yesterday, I was taking calls, making food, taking s**t out of the oven, stocking boxes, stocking cups, handling customer transactions...

while ******** sat around in the back bullshitting.

Tell me what to do again and I'll let you know what's up. Quit bossing around the person that's actually working and chew a** on the people sneakin' out of doing the job.

I can't stand it when someone bosses me around when I'm perfectly capable of finding things to do around the store.
I have a confession to make.

There isn;t a day that passes that I don't think of killing myself anymore. My depression has become less of just an issue and more of a disease that is slowly eating at me until I am no more. I don't know how much more I can take of it. It becomes increasingly harder to get out of the bed anymore, day after day. Every night I go to bed, tossing and turning trying like hell to get my mind to shut up. Then I wake up every morning, trying to decide if its even worth getting up and going about my business.

I have a family that have decided that I am not worth their time, to the point when I call them on every major holiday, and occasionally just to chat, and they can't pick up their phone or even call me back. I dont even get a courtesy text. They have pretty much purged me out of their life, and the only way I can even find out if they are okay is through facebook, which I am tired of.

All of my friends that I grew up with have abandoned me. Not a single one of them from back in West Virginia keep in contact with me anymore. I thought I meant something to them, you know? But anymore, it doesn't seem like it. I was just a pawn to all of them, just for them to use me and throw me away when they were done. I was with them all through all the bad, but not a single one could do the same for me.

The only good thing I have is Chris right now. The only one that will stay with me through everything, and I am scared I can't even trust that. I have been so unbelievably depressed, I am afraid he is not strong enough to deal with it. All I do is cry and whine anymore. I can't even bring up small things without him sighing and heaving. That or he cries. He feels like he isn't enough for me, especially with the Jessica situation spiraling out of control. I wish he understood and actually believed I love him. I could not be without him. But I fear he doesn't trust me.

Then the Jessica thing... I really wish she would just take me back,take US back. and happily be with me and Chris. I'm not looking to her to cure my depression; thats just silly. I couldn't put that burden on her. However, I do believe it would make me happier. But... shes not ready for a relationship right now. Shes got her whole life planned out, and I believe that I cannot and wont be able to disturb that. Its taking everything I have not to just run away after contacting her again. Its how I am. I have to save myself from hetting hurt. I want to ask her if she could at least try if she wants to still visit in October, but I am scared.

And work? Dont even get me started. I work in a thankless job and work my a** off day to day just to be called lazy by the end of it. I clean up everyones messes, work with the nastiest customers, catch more shop lifters then anyone else... and I still have a boss that tries to get me to quit on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can take it...

Maybe I should just kill myself. It would save so much time and effort. I don't have a single friend that would care, it would save Chris all the pain of bring with me, open a position for someone at work, and just... take everything off of my family. It would make everyone happier.

Not to mention, I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore...

Human Garbage

Mmph, I can't wait until I'll actually have wifi where I'm going. Been walking a mile or more for seven months now just to sit in public place for shitty, slow wifi that doesn't even work half the time.

Gosh, that makes me sound so entitled, but with my poor health, the walking can be a nightmare. At least I haven't had to use my inhaler and spacer lately. I suppose the mask I wear helps.

Bashful Bookworm


      âš“ I don't want to go to work.
      I want to sleep all day.
      ********, I agreed to go to breakfast with his grandparents tomorrow.
      I want to back out, really badly.
      His moms going to be there too. I hate her. She's a c**t. I haven't seen her since we moved out.

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      â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„â–„
      xxxxxx F R E E D O M is a fancy word for options

Eloquent Demigod

It's cold outside
but I don't mind
I kinda like it when I lose feeling

Anxious Girl

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Why does he get to be forgiven and not me?

This bites.

            I ate a sandwich, but I'm still shaking


            this sucks

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