Das Horse Face
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- Posted: Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:01:00 +0000
A lot of people go through hard times in their life. I'd like to share my story.
I was born to a rich and influential family. My father a lawyer, my mother a psychologist, my step-father a business owner, and my step-mother a judge. I had everything I could ever want at my finger tips. I never experienced hunger or thirst, as food was always available to me.
My problems stemmed from development problems I had as a child. I was born with ADHD and took Ritalin since age 6 to age 17. I took the highest dose possible (60 milligrams a day) and a slew of other pills. I began to experience problems with my liver at the age of 13, which eventually evolved into full fledged chronic liver disease with complications (Portal hypertension, gastrointestinal bleeding, enlarged spleen, anemia, low platelets, low white blood cells, and from what I have read possibly enhanced bi-polar disorder) that would forever make things much more difficult for me.
When I was 17 I was put into a psychiatric hospital because my family believed I needed treatment (Which I agree with). In the hospital I stayed for about twelve days meeting patients with problems that I never had experienced (Although some of them I would in the future). I met teenagers who used and abused hard drugs, who had several mental illnesses, and some who were violent. I roomed with a schizophrenic and an inhalant abuser, I learned a lot about myself and the world around me in those twelve days. When I got out I continued smoking cigarettes and by my own choice switched to an alternative school.
I graduated on time with a 2.1 GPA and no ambition at all to go to college. I had a slew of work history from fast food, busing tables, and working on computers for my step-mothers son. So I decided to work instead of school, which is something my parents didn't like a lot. As time went by my health began to decline, by age 18 I was being hospitalized about three times a year due to blood loss, and my liver had begun to shrink. While this was happening I began to smoke marijuana as a coping method and jumped from that to opiates and mushrooms.
I managed to hold an internship for McCain (At my parents suggestion) and a democratic congressman that spoke at my school years before. I eventually fell apart from drug usage and ran away from home to my friends dorm at a nearby college. After disappearing and attempting suicide from the fact that I knew my life was going nowhere. I was unable to tie a noose and I didn't have access to the proper medication to end my life.
I was found by my best friend collapsed in the bathroom of his dorm, and was driven home by him and a dorm mate. I was sent to another institution, this time for about a three weeks. I was kept under suicide precaution, and deemed a threat to myself by the staff. Hence it was hell, but that still didn't kick me in my rear.
When I got out I became cut off financially from my parents, but allowed to live in the house, under the condition I held a job. I was able to get a job at a department sales. That lasted about four months. I did a good job, but I couldn't handle the work due to the insane stress I was under, and the fact that I was at war with myself. I attended NA meetings regularly, and went to support groups. I found they did little for me.
It was in early March 2009 when I realized that after I had resigned, and couldn't stop using that I had to make a pivotal decision. Most of my high school friends were the one's doing this to me, in fact the one's that did this weren't my friends, they stole from me, and treated me like garbage. Around that time my mother pulled me out of the country to Prague, she hoped that the trip itself would ultimately change me.
It did.
I traveled to Prague pretty hopeless on everything. In fact I just wanted to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes. I loved the history, but the bar was always more appealing and I had brought a lot of money with me. But I met a women who changed my life.
I was walking down old town square and I saw a young leper in a wheel chair. She had a cup and was asking for cash. We made eye contact, and she said please. I stopped and gave her ten dollars in American, and we began to talk.
Her name was Helga
She asked me to wheel her across Saint Charles Bridge so she could get to her flat. I agreed. She spoke English well, and we conversed. I learned of her problems, she learned of mine. I fell in love with her in a sense, she knew everything of what I was going through. I was suffering from chronic liver disease, she was a leper, we both had drug problems, and for once I felt like I could relate to someone. It was so surreal for me.
Her last couple words were for me to go to Terezine a Nazi Transport camp. She said that it would change my life. I took her advice and went, alone.
Terezine changed my complete existence. I stood in a camp where 10,000 Jews died, I stood in the cell of the man who started World War I. I realized in that instant that what I had become was a calamity and that I was a monster. I allowed myself to be destroyed by the negativity that I brought upon myself, I shamed my family, myself, and I hurt so many people. It hit me so hard, all those broken promises, all those missed opportunities.
That cell itself structured me more than any book, film, experience, anything in the world. I felt true evil, and I saw exactly what I was doing to myself. I was allowing my own unwarranted self-hatred to destroy everything precious to me.
It was on March 25th, 2009 at 4:30 Prague time (The day my cousin died) that I began to fight addiction, self-hatred, my illnesses, and my fears. I walked out of that camp a different man. Since that day I never touched pills or hard liquor again, I fought every urge, and I've been clean for almost five years.
I learned of my cousins death upon my arrival and it cemented everything further. He died of a cocaine overdose. I stood on his grave two days after the funeral and swore to never ever touch those substances again.
May 29, I started college. Met the love of life the first day.
I took disability for seven months starting in September of 2009 because my body was under such horrible duress and bi-polar. I severed ties with everyone I ever knew in high school, started fresh, graduated with a 3.5 in Liberal Arts in 2012. I worked multiple jobs from computer technician to JCPennys, to Barnes and Nobles, and now I'm Baking (Not in that order). I intern every election season for a congressman that I have met and like, I also do work in presidential elections as an intern, and volunteer actively in my community.
Even though I suffer daily from Chronic Liver Disease, weakness in my body, and bi-polar disorder. I have found that I am not a victim to it. I am a believer that no matter what happens you can get back up and fight harder then you did before. You have to continue to keep pushing yourself, no matter how hard to get pulled down or ripped apart by something, you gotta put yourself together and fight for what you want. I may have been raised in a wealthy family, but that doesn't change the fact that I will work for a living, and money doesn't buy any sort of compensation for what happened to me. The only thing that I know that will ever make things right for me is that I will keep pushing for success and striving for improvement.
Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. You are worth something, even if life is a mess for you and you don't believe you can't pull through. You can. I fought like hell to get where I'm at, and if any of you are ever having problems, know that nothing is impossible to get through.
I was born to a rich and influential family. My father a lawyer, my mother a psychologist, my step-father a business owner, and my step-mother a judge. I had everything I could ever want at my finger tips. I never experienced hunger or thirst, as food was always available to me.
My problems stemmed from development problems I had as a child. I was born with ADHD and took Ritalin since age 6 to age 17. I took the highest dose possible (60 milligrams a day) and a slew of other pills. I began to experience problems with my liver at the age of 13, which eventually evolved into full fledged chronic liver disease with complications (Portal hypertension, gastrointestinal bleeding, enlarged spleen, anemia, low platelets, low white blood cells, and from what I have read possibly enhanced bi-polar disorder) that would forever make things much more difficult for me.
When I was 17 I was put into a psychiatric hospital because my family believed I needed treatment (Which I agree with). In the hospital I stayed for about twelve days meeting patients with problems that I never had experienced (Although some of them I would in the future). I met teenagers who used and abused hard drugs, who had several mental illnesses, and some who were violent. I roomed with a schizophrenic and an inhalant abuser, I learned a lot about myself and the world around me in those twelve days. When I got out I continued smoking cigarettes and by my own choice switched to an alternative school.
I graduated on time with a 2.1 GPA and no ambition at all to go to college. I had a slew of work history from fast food, busing tables, and working on computers for my step-mothers son. So I decided to work instead of school, which is something my parents didn't like a lot. As time went by my health began to decline, by age 18 I was being hospitalized about three times a year due to blood loss, and my liver had begun to shrink. While this was happening I began to smoke marijuana as a coping method and jumped from that to opiates and mushrooms.
I managed to hold an internship for McCain (At my parents suggestion) and a democratic congressman that spoke at my school years before. I eventually fell apart from drug usage and ran away from home to my friends dorm at a nearby college. After disappearing and attempting suicide from the fact that I knew my life was going nowhere. I was unable to tie a noose and I didn't have access to the proper medication to end my life.
I was found by my best friend collapsed in the bathroom of his dorm, and was driven home by him and a dorm mate. I was sent to another institution, this time for about a three weeks. I was kept under suicide precaution, and deemed a threat to myself by the staff. Hence it was hell, but that still didn't kick me in my rear.
When I got out I became cut off financially from my parents, but allowed to live in the house, under the condition I held a job. I was able to get a job at a department sales. That lasted about four months. I did a good job, but I couldn't handle the work due to the insane stress I was under, and the fact that I was at war with myself. I attended NA meetings regularly, and went to support groups. I found they did little for me.
It was in early March 2009 when I realized that after I had resigned, and couldn't stop using that I had to make a pivotal decision. Most of my high school friends were the one's doing this to me, in fact the one's that did this weren't my friends, they stole from me, and treated me like garbage. Around that time my mother pulled me out of the country to Prague, she hoped that the trip itself would ultimately change me.
It did.
I traveled to Prague pretty hopeless on everything. In fact I just wanted to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes. I loved the history, but the bar was always more appealing and I had brought a lot of money with me. But I met a women who changed my life.
I was walking down old town square and I saw a young leper in a wheel chair. She had a cup and was asking for cash. We made eye contact, and she said please. I stopped and gave her ten dollars in American, and we began to talk.
Her name was Helga
She asked me to wheel her across Saint Charles Bridge so she could get to her flat. I agreed. She spoke English well, and we conversed. I learned of her problems, she learned of mine. I fell in love with her in a sense, she knew everything of what I was going through. I was suffering from chronic liver disease, she was a leper, we both had drug problems, and for once I felt like I could relate to someone. It was so surreal for me.
Her last couple words were for me to go to Terezine a Nazi Transport camp. She said that it would change my life. I took her advice and went, alone.
Terezine changed my complete existence. I stood in a camp where 10,000 Jews died, I stood in the cell of the man who started World War I. I realized in that instant that what I had become was a calamity and that I was a monster. I allowed myself to be destroyed by the negativity that I brought upon myself, I shamed my family, myself, and I hurt so many people. It hit me so hard, all those broken promises, all those missed opportunities.
That cell itself structured me more than any book, film, experience, anything in the world. I felt true evil, and I saw exactly what I was doing to myself. I was allowing my own unwarranted self-hatred to destroy everything precious to me.
It was on March 25th, 2009 at 4:30 Prague time (The day my cousin died) that I began to fight addiction, self-hatred, my illnesses, and my fears. I walked out of that camp a different man. Since that day I never touched pills or hard liquor again, I fought every urge, and I've been clean for almost five years.
I learned of my cousins death upon my arrival and it cemented everything further. He died of a cocaine overdose. I stood on his grave two days after the funeral and swore to never ever touch those substances again.
May 29, I started college. Met the love of life the first day.
I took disability for seven months starting in September of 2009 because my body was under such horrible duress and bi-polar. I severed ties with everyone I ever knew in high school, started fresh, graduated with a 3.5 in Liberal Arts in 2012. I worked multiple jobs from computer technician to JCPennys, to Barnes and Nobles, and now I'm Baking (Not in that order). I intern every election season for a congressman that I have met and like, I also do work in presidential elections as an intern, and volunteer actively in my community.
Even though I suffer daily from Chronic Liver Disease, weakness in my body, and bi-polar disorder. I have found that I am not a victim to it. I am a believer that no matter what happens you can get back up and fight harder then you did before. You have to continue to keep pushing yourself, no matter how hard to get pulled down or ripped apart by something, you gotta put yourself together and fight for what you want. I may have been raised in a wealthy family, but that doesn't change the fact that I will work for a living, and money doesn't buy any sort of compensation for what happened to me. The only thing that I know that will ever make things right for me is that I will keep pushing for success and striving for improvement.
Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. You are worth something, even if life is a mess for you and you don't believe you can't pull through. You can. I fought like hell to get where I'm at, and if any of you are ever having problems, know that nothing is impossible to get through.
