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K i n g X u m o t - XVI's avatar

Devoted Student

castigat ridendo mores
Even I'm willing to admit that to an extent I like appearances, but I don't 'go for' looks. I don't even get turned on by looks, for goodness sake.
Sure, if someone looks nice, I'll react, but that won't be the sole basis for a friendship, relationship, etc. and I find that women that do expect (completely) appearance before personality are going to be deeply disappointed - especially if their 'dream guy' turns out to be an abusive a*****e.

I sincerely hope those ladies don't associate themselves with other women just because of the possible advantages they may have for being around them (i.e. lording over their own appearances because the other is 'uglier,' or being able to compare themselves in a way that makes them seem like the better woman), or just because they look similar to themselves.
I know I'm being terribly idealistic, but it's something I hope isn't actually happening when it probably is. User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.


Exactly, looks don't "determine" my affection for someone.
There must be some reason why girls like assholes rather than nice guys.
It's a known fact that happens in most cases.
My ex girlfriend had a boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused her for 3 years, and she knew it was happening, but she loved him and their memories they shared.
There needs to be a study on this, if you could find one please link it.

Humans that express their ego will use their ego. In any way.
I have seen few people do that at High School (when I was in High School) that befriend "unattractive" people just for popular reasons.
Being idealistic is perfectly fine, at least you have ideals.
(Also, I am an INFJ)
castigat ridendo mores's avatar

Eloquent Lunatic

K i n g X u m o t - XVI

Exactly, looks don't "determine" my affection for someone.
There must be some reason why girls like assholes rather than nice guys.
It's a known fact that happens in most cases.
My ex girlfriend had a boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused her for 3 years, and she knew it was happening, but she loved him and their memories they shared.
There needs to be a study on this, if you could find one please link it.

Humans that express their ego will use their ego. In any way.
I have seen few people do that at High School (when I was in High School) that befriend "unattractive" people just for popular reasons.
Being idealistic is perfectly fine, at least you have ideals.
(Also, I am an INFJ)
It could be that women hold onto positive memories more than negative ones - hell, anyone could regardless of gender. I'm not a psychological major or genius, so don't take any of my word on this. I just act on intuition and empathy (I guess).
I also unfortunately do not have my psych textbooks with me anymore, so it's not like I can feed off of those books for resources or possible answers.

However, I did look up a few things and did come up with these:
second post
x
psych central

Looking at any of these, big themes are:
- the woman thinking she can change the man
- fear of being alone
- fear that it could get worse if she leaves or says anything about it
- the "positive" outweighing the negative
- they feel they don't deserve any better
- emotional attachment to the abuser - what I like to think of as a version of Stockholm syndrome

And so on, which are all pretty common among women that are in abusive relationships. They know what's happening but stay around for above said reasons and more (my aunt has a penchant for abusive boyfriends, and I have no idea why sometimes).


I myself shift between INFP and INFJ - very rarely INTP - in order of prevalence.
K i n g X u m o t - XVI's avatar

Devoted Student

castigat ridendo mores
K i n g X u m o t - XVI

Exactly, looks don't "determine" my affection for someone.
There must be some reason why girls like assholes rather than nice guys.
It's a known fact that happens in most cases.
My ex girlfriend had a boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused her for 3 years, and she knew it was happening, but she loved him and their memories they shared.
There needs to be a study on this, if you could find one please link it.

Humans that express their ego will use their ego. In any way.
I have seen few people do that at High School (when I was in High School) that befriend "unattractive" people just for popular reasons.
Being idealistic is perfectly fine, at least you have ideals.
(Also, I am an INFJ)
It could be that women hold onto positive memories more than negative ones - hell, anyone could regardless of gender. I'm not a psychological major or genius, so don't take any of my word on this. I just act on intuition and empathy (I guess).
I also unfortunately do not have my psych textbooks with me anymore, so it's not like I can feed off of those books for resources or possible answers.

However, I did look up a few things and did come up with these:
second post
x
psych central

Looking at any of these, big themes are:
- the woman thinking she can change the man
- fear of being alone
- fear that it could get worse if she leaves or says anything about it
- the "positive" outweighing the negative
- they feel they don't deserve any better
- emotional attachment to the abuser - what I like to think of as a version of Stockholm syndrome

And so on, which are all pretty common among women that are in abusive relationships. They know what's happening but stay around for above said reasons and more (my aunt has a penchant for abusive boyfriends, and I have no idea why sometimes).


I myself shift between INFP and INFJ - very rarely INTP - in order of prevalence.

I keep my textbooks.
I love to see the difference that forms between the years of research and studies.
And thank you for the links, I saved them as bookmarks and will read them when I am awake tomorrow.
I'll also respond to this more appropriately when I am more awake and functional.
For now, night night.
Sleep well (whenever you do).
Talk to you about this more tomorrow.
castigat ridendo mores's avatar

Eloquent Lunatic

K i n g X u m o t - XVI
castigat ridendo mores
K i n g X u m o t - XVI

Exactly, looks don't "determine" my affection for someone.
There must be some reason why girls like assholes rather than nice guys.
It's a known fact that happens in most cases.
My ex girlfriend had a boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused her for 3 years, and she knew it was happening, but she loved him and their memories they shared.
There needs to be a study on this, if you could find one please link it.

Humans that express their ego will use their ego. In any way.
I have seen few people do that at High School (when I was in High School) that befriend "unattractive" people just for popular reasons.
Being idealistic is perfectly fine, at least you have ideals.
(Also, I am an INFJ)
It could be that women hold onto positive memories more than negative ones - hell, anyone could regardless of gender. I'm not a psychological major or genius, so don't take any of my word on this. I just act on intuition and empathy (I guess).
I also unfortunately do not have my psych textbooks with me anymore, so it's not like I can feed off of those books for resources or possible answers.

However, I did look up a few things and did come up with these:
second post
x
psych central

Looking at any of these, big themes are:
- the woman thinking she can change the man
- fear of being alone
- fear that it could get worse if she leaves or says anything about it
- the "positive" outweighing the negative
- they feel they don't deserve any better
- emotional attachment to the abuser - what I like to think of as a version of Stockholm syndrome

And so on, which are all pretty common among women that are in abusive relationships. They know what's happening but stay around for above said reasons and more (my aunt has a penchant for abusive boyfriends, and I have no idea why sometimes).


I myself shift between INFP and INFJ - very rarely INTP - in order of prevalence.

I keep my textbooks.
I love to see the difference that forms between the years of research and studies.
And thank you for the links, I saved them as bookmarks and will read them when I am awake tomorrow.
I'll also respond to this more appropriately when I am more awake and functional.
For now, night night.
Sleep well (whenever you do).
Talk to you about this more tomorrow.
Haha, right. Have a good sleep.

I would have loved to have been able to keep my textbooks, but this was high school I'm talking about, so that wasn't really an option. If I take psychology in college, I'll probably keep the books unless I'm in dire need of money.
I think it's normal. Most people think that appearance is everything and they would be accepted in society much better than the ones who doesn't have an attractive partner.
But for me , I would rather choose personality over appearance :/
I would accept that person for who they are but not because of how they look.
Not much of an opinion though.
castigat ridendo mores
Bienaimee R
anadentone
Why is it when it comes to relationships people tend to seek and lust after appearances than personality? Particularly women?



I honestly don't believe women are more critical of appearances than men are. Most people tend to judge each other on appearance. We live in an extremely plastic culture. It's just the way things are.
I'll agree with this, and X u m o t 's statement that it's likely "instinct" to find an attractive person.
Example: Peahens pick their mates based upon the peacock with the best plumage, the best 'dance,' the best mating call, etc. - even if in the end it's merely a sexual affair.

Either way, I think that some women in particular aren't fully willing to admit that they would prefer all of their 'dream' characteristics in a pretty package, and for social standards would openly berate another person for choosing an 'ugly' person to be with - perhaps out of jealousy that another person has a happy relationship with a person they perceive as 'ugly.' That woman got with the fat guy and is in a good relationship while these ladies are still single, sitting on their asses hoping some Johnny Depp will come into their lives and sweep them away. rofl


Sorry, my intellect rates quite a bit above the average peahen. So I don't believe examples of peahens selecting mates justifies human beings following their customs.

I don't disagree that humans are human and we like what we like. However, preference for particular looks, characteristics, and other traits doesn't necessarily explain criticism, exclusion, and hatred being directed towards people who don't meet the "conventional standards" for beauty.

If a man has his heart set on the idea that the only real beautiful women in this world are white, blonde, taller than 5'10" and under 110 pounds, it's fine for him to only date and socialize with females meeting that description. He may very well be depriving himself of some great friends and/or girlfriends, but that's his loss and does not negatively impact society.

HOWEVER, if he takes it a step further -- the step beyond "I'll only date/mate with women who are blonde, young, trim, and tall" -- to active discrimination and hatred against people not meeting his "beauty criteria," society grows more dysfunctional.

Society makes too many incorrect correlations concerning good looks. "Beautiful" people are automatically presumed to be healthier, more intelligent, better workers, more honest and trustworthy, less prone to criminal tendencies, better parents, etc.. These false assumptions put people not meeting conventional beauty standards at a serious disadvantage in every type of social interaction imaginable.

And I agree with you. A lot of the people complaining about how people discriminate according to looks are no better than the people they complain about. They all want the cover girl or the Q.G. model themselves.
Rose die Valkyrie's avatar

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anadentone
Why is it when it comes to relationships people tend to seek and lust after appearances than personality? Particularly women?

I was talking to some women last week about relationships and how hard it is to find someone right. These three girls went on and on about how they would love to have found someone who was nice to them, treated them well, didn't steal from them or mistreat the kids, someone who wouldn't cheat on them, etc. Then today I heard these same three girls talk about this couple. The man was huge (about 300lbs and wasn't george clooney in appearance if youknow what i mean). He was holding hands with this blonde ,busty insanely gorgeous girl and they were acting all lovey dovey.

The girls actually said this:

girl 1: ugh look at that
girl 2: ewww he must be rich
girl 1 : why would a girl that hot be with someone thats not?
girl 3: yeah I mean look at him its like God molded sewage onto a skull
girl 2: really. I mean why would someone like her wanna be with someone like him?

me: well maybe it's because he doesn't mistreat her, or steal from her, or hurt her kids, or cheat on her, or abuse her, and maybe he's nice from her..... god no wonder you broads have relationship problems.

explain this to me: why do people value appearances over personality? Why do men and women end up with someone hot but also cheats on them or mistreats them but not hook up with someone not to hot looking but who is nice to them and faithful? Wtf?


This makes my brain hurt.

Let's ask this: Why do we assume the 300 lbs guy is a nice guy? Maybe he's an abusive jerk and the busty blonde is just a chubby chaser so she's all about the sex appeal and ignores the abuse.

I just really dislike the notion of ascribing personality traits based on looks to people.

It just seems presumptuously judgmental and sets one's self up for looking like a not-smart-guy/mean-spirited-person.

It's like:

Your friends: Oh that's weird, I wonder why that attractive normal looking woman is with that obese man. You do not often see that and this confuses my preconceived socially-programmed expectations.

You: MAYBE SHE'S WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S DOESN'T RAPE PREMATURE CRACK BABIES AND FIRE MISSILES AT YOU WHILE YOU RUN THROUGH THE HOUSE SCREAMING? DUHHHHHHH, you assholes!

Me: But aren't you implying that non-obese men are horrible terrible awful people that lie and cheat and hurt you? Also, just because your friends (like most people) don't expect hot people to date not-very-hot-at-all people doesn't necessarily mean they're shallow or don't care if their partner is nice and sweet to them.

I just can't handle unfounded implications being made here.
Amarantine Noir's avatar

Shirtless Businesswoman

Appearance is the first thing we notice about someone, so it does hold a fair amount of significance. What determines whether we can move beyond that is character.

Some people will over look someone if they don't meet their physical standards.

Some people will judge the person's appearance, but get to know them personally as well.

And then there are some people who overlook their appearance all together.

No matter how they go about it, though, personality is usually always they defining factor of whether two people stay together or not. After all, what good are muscles if he uses them to beat you?

Just my two cents.
xX DRACO ICE Xx's avatar

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I Shall Grant You NoMercy
I dont get the whole
Obese-man-and-super-Megan-Fox-hot-girlfriend/wife-thing either. confused
Dunno about you, but I kinda need someone to look at least a little attractive for me to fall in love with them.
They can have the best personality in the world, but if theree morbidly obese and and look like a steam-roller just b***h-slapped their face, Im only going to think of them as friends.

o 3o I sorta agree with this.
I have the mentality of "Don't judge a person by appearance, but by personality". Yet why do I find appearances a concern? It contradicts my mentality.
Quick Edit: I don't think I can love a person if they have freckles or cleft chin. I just don't like those traits...
daChaosKitty's avatar

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It's not necessarily that people value appearances over personality, but they value appearances with personality. My mother reminds me that we're all beautiful in God's eyes, so to speak. I respond with, "Yes, but you wouldn't fall in love with someone who, basically, looked like various depictions of Quasimodo, no matter how much of a good person he was."

Humans are hard-wired, of sorts, to seek out beauty. Through appearance we can usually tell the relative health of a potential mate (by skin tone, symmetry, hair glossiness, tooth color, etc.).

I would never sleep with someone I wasn't physically attracted to, I don't see how anyone would, except maybe prostitutes. An aspect for the women to consider, as well, she might be a chubby chaser. There are female chubby chasers, as well.

Sadly, when women talk about what they want in a man, only the most honest will include physical aspects. Either because they are trying not to be shallow, or they don't think of them until they're faced with reality, that single, good-looking people are rarely good people.

However, according to one study, marrying an ugly man will assure a happier relationship, so you could share that with them, too. Tell them that they might want to lower their appearance standards, and just grit their teeth through sex.
I'm going to air some thing out before I get to the meat of my comment.

1) It's not a bad thing to want to be attracted to your spouse, mate, partner, etc. It's perfectly normal and I encourage just a little shallowness. (That does not mean you treat people you aren't attracted to like a piece of s**t.)

2) Beauty is completely subjective. What one person finds attractive, someone else won't. People get too caught up in the idea of Hollywood or fashion to see the bigger picture.

Anyway, now onto the meat! Personally, any potential mate needs to be attractive for me to

A) Notice them

B) think of them that way

C) stick around in later years.

I.E keeping themselves healthy/attractive...that's what beauty is in a lot of ways, a sign of healthiness. In conjunction with that however, and this is a really large aspect of mate selection. They have to have a personality. See most men will let lack of personality slide depending on the hotness level of the woman. I'm the opposite, they will lose points faster than a roadrunner on crack if they have no personality. While a woman that is moderately attractive with lots of personality will score points.

I'm fortunate though. I'm dating a woman that is both beautiful physically, and comes stacked with personality, among other things. >.>
Rosy_Owl's avatar

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Natural selection.

Women are naturally attracted to men who are lean, good-looking, broad-shouldered, with masculine (but not too masculine) faces because these men appear fertile, and look as though they would be able to take care of children. Men are naturally attracted to women with large breasts, curvy hips, delicate features because, again, they appear fertile and able to take care of children. Plus, if both parents are physically well-adapted, it is more likely that their children will be as well, and will therefore survive and perpetuate the species.

Selecting an attractive mate is adaptive. That is why we have the tendency to seek out someone not just for personality, but for looks as well. Of course, arguably, everyone has a different idea of what is attractive, but in general there are some specific traits that most people look for in their significant others.

Of course, since humans can think rationally, even given the advantage of selecting an attractive mate, one would assume that we would also choose someone who cares for us, has some things in common with us, treats us nicely, but everyone is different I suppose.
Love Muffin88's avatar

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It's the people that tend to be shallow that think like that. Ever seen Shallow Hal? I personally dig "imperfections". And I also could care less if a hot chick is matched with a pot bellied bubba. It's not my relationship. More power to them.
Yasano's avatar

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People are just looking for bragging rights- sure you can screw someone with a good personality but that shows nothing to the superficial society.

Plus it is a primitive/ animalistic nature .... gotta show off to get laid. Thats right puff up that chest and flash them feathers if ya wanna get ********. xD
sogayking's avatar

Quotable Fatcat

That is why I am not friends with a lot of women. They're very judgmental and hurtful, more so than men in my opinion.
My boy friend is beautiful to me in every way and I don't care what other people think at all. Like why is it their damn business who I love right?

Those girls... emotion_facepalm

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