Covert-Aggression; Society and its Accepted Norms

[FearlessDictator]

I'm a manipulative person.

I can admit to it, and I can justify it soundly because I don't process emotions fully.
I was a very sheltered, and under-socialized child. My best friend is someone I met in middle school because I wasn't allowed to have friends up until that level.

I recently began researching psycology to better communicate with the students at my new school and came upon an article about manipulation, and covert-aggresion.

Covert-Aggression and Manipulation.
Relational Aggression

The basic description describes my day-to-day motus operandi to the point that I feel like I've lost all the ground I gained when I moved out of my parents house.

I don't understand shaking hands (defense liability), I answer in full when someone asks "How are you?", and even worse, I don't understand why people look at me like I'm crazy when I introduce myself after exchanging pleasantries.

But I needed to get people to like me because I was being alienated at my school for not being able to interact properly.
I learned to say the script, speak the slang, and word my sentences to get the desired result.
When I learned that saying things a certain way could get people to act a certain way, I put two and two together and started reading modern novels and watching reality television.

Today I can play on heartstrings and get things done; Even if getting things done involves making someone feel guilty or making them think I really care about them, I cannot feel bad.
While I hold myself to many promises and make sure the majority of my ethics are in line with morals, I still rely on manipulation. However wrong it is, I have never been told that I am manipulative.

Why do people not see that I do this?

TL;DR
I think I am a manipulative person, but really I'm just saying that because I have no idea what I am talking about and just want attention.

[CH1YO]

My impression would be that you are far less exciting than you think.

[Inritus_v3]

You don't strike me as someone who's smart/strategic enough to manipulate others.

[FearlessDictator]

biggrin


Wonderful that you think so! I almost thought for a second that I was a bad person!

[Ask Jappleack]

who says you cant be boring and bad? lol

im sort of antisocial too, and i have zero friends, but i consider other's might be manipulative because i have been paranoid on and off a few times, and people messing with other's hearts I find rather annoying and makes me want to be more antisocial, but it's also spottable from a mile away so that it doesnt even matter half the time.

But saying you make them feel guilty, is the guilty justified? if yes then its not being bad. And someone might veiw you 'tugging at heartstrings' just being sweet and people like that, but again you lack details, it could go either way.

[dxnobodyx]

Sounds like your mistaking social tact for a higher ability.

[sora wonk]

FearlessDictator

biggrin


Wonderful that you think so! I almost thought for a second that I was a bad person!

This makes three of us. ^^

[the flying penguin]

The first link you posted sounds a lot like my ex and is partially why I broke up with him.

[FearlessDictator]

the flying penguin

The first link you posted sounds a lot like my ex and is partially why I broke up with him.

I'm not the person who posted that, I blame it on my coworker.

But I have to ask, What are people like that like?

[the flying penguin]

FearlessDictator

the flying penguin

The first link you posted sounds a lot like my ex and is partially why I broke up with him.

I'm not the person who posted that, I blame it on my coworker.

But I have to ask, What are people like that like?

I can go on a very long rant on why he has lost my respect, but I am going to at least try to keep it short.

One thing you need to know about this guy is that he does not take criticism well.
He never took advice because he hated being told what to do and despised not being seen as the leader figure. He always had to be in control (he would also mention wanting more minions too, to do whatever he wanted no matter how stupid the idea). He would be extremely mopey and come to me with his problems saying how everyone is against him and that they all dislike him and that I need to comfort him. The thing is that he is the one who is always being disrespectful to others but then expects them to still be courteous to him regardless of how he treated them.
He would make it seem that he is always the victim in every situation even though he was the one to do wrong. He just wanted me to give him sympathy. He could be all happy and carefree one moment, but if I were to say that I need to go stay at my own place because I am very stressed with my work, he would all of a sudden change in his demeanor and now he is the one that is "stressed" and saying that I can't leave because he has to have me there to comfort him and that he has it a lot worse then I do. He would guilt trip me all the time so that he could get his way. I can go into it a lot more in depth description on this aspect of him, but if you read #8, 7, and 6 on that list it describes him perfectly.
Actually all but number 2 fit him exactly. Well, maybe a little bit of 2 too >_>

He would also say things like "oh yea, I need to apologize for doing blah the other day, but I know that you wouldn't have a problem with that because you are such an awesome girlfriend and not like all those other kinds of women who complain..."
He seemed to have the mentality that so long as he said "I'm sorry" that I would dismiss everything he did and be okay with it. He didn't even try to appear sincere anymore.

He would make a promise with me but then when he finds something he would rather do more, he would guilt trip me into letting him postpone or call off the promise all together to make him happy event though it ment a lot to me. Or he would say that I don't remember the promise very well and that it was really worded in a different way that all of a sudden is more convient to him.
In some ways I take small promises very seriously. My view is that if you are unable to keep a very small promise then how can I believe all of your future promises to me, not to mention the larger ones.

He admitted to me once that he was very selfish and even put himself first before me. This was hurtful because I have put my plans to the side in the past to be there for him and make him happy, but he wouldn't do the same for me.

There is a ton more to his behavior that I won't get into, otherwise I would be here forever trying to explain.
He was just no longer fun to be around and used me all the time, not to mention made me become very depressed.

[FearlessDictator]

the flying penguin

He could be all happy and carefree one moment, but if I were to say that I need to go stay at my own place because I am very stressed with my work, he would all of a sudden change in his demeanor and now he is the one that is "stressed" and saying that I can't leave because he has to have me there to comfort him and that he has it a lot worse then I do. He would guilt trip me all the time so that he could get his way.

Holy crap, that sounds terrible!

<3 I'm glad to hear you've escaped mostly unscathed. D:

[the flying penguin]

FearlessDictator

the flying penguin

He could be all happy and carefree one moment, but if I were to say that I need to go stay at my own place because I am very stressed with my work, he would all of a sudden change in his demeanor and now he is the one that is "stressed" and saying that I can't leave because he has to have me there to comfort him and that he has it a lot worse then I do. He would guilt trip me all the time so that he could get his way.

Holy crap, that sounds terrible!

<3 I'm glad to hear you've escaped mostly unscathed. D:

The sad thing is that there is a lot more that I left unsaid :<
I'm mostly disappointed with myself for staying the that relationship for as long as I did. I only just recently broke it off with him so I am still a bit bitter.

[FearlessDictator]

the flying penguin

FearlessDictator

the flying penguin

He could be all happy and carefree one moment, but if I were to say that I need to go stay at my own place because I am very stressed with my work, he would all of a sudden change in his demeanor and now he is the one that is "stressed" and saying that I can't leave because he has to have me there to comfort him and that he has it a lot worse then I do. He would guilt trip me all the time so that he could get his way.

Holy crap, that sounds terrible!

<3 I'm glad to hear you've escaped mostly unscathed. D:

The sad thing is that there is a lot more that I left unsaid :<
I'm mostly disappointed with myself for staying the that relationship for as long as I did. I only just recently broke it off with him so I am still a bit bitter.

Erm, from what I read in the article link he posted, they're like smooth operators, and mind fuukers...

D:
Do you still feel bad about what happened?

[the flying penguin]

FearlessDictator

the flying penguin

FearlessDictator

the flying penguin

He could be all happy and carefree one moment, but if I were to say that I need to go stay at my own place because I am very stressed with my work, he would all of a sudden change in his demeanor and now he is the one that is "stressed" and saying that I can't leave because he has to have me there to comfort him and that he has it a lot worse then I do. He would guilt trip me all the time so that he could get his way.

Holy crap, that sounds terrible!

<3 I'm glad to hear you've escaped mostly unscathed. D:

The sad thing is that there is a lot more that I left unsaid :<
I'm mostly disappointed with myself for staying the that relationship for as long as I did. I only just recently broke it off with him so I am still a bit bitter.

Erm, from what I read in the article link he posted, they're like smooth operators, and mind fuukers...

D:
Do you still feel bad about what happened?

Yea, I just feel stupid and naive for falling for him. I thought he was a great person and at first he seemed so nice :/

My cousin helped me a lot to finally get the courage to break it off. The two of them were at my house once and after my ex left my cousin expressed his concern to me and was worried that the relationship could become abusive (thinking back on it I believe that in some ways he was already emotionally abusive). I think what he said helped me snap out of my denial and realize all those times in the past were not just me exaggerating things and that he really is just an awful boyfriend. He was also my first boyfriend which made things harder.

Thank you for talking about this with me, it really helped to get it off my chest.