Am I right to hold a grudge like this?

[Ginger Business]

I've never been that crazy about my dad, despite him thinking we're best friends. I just don't openly express myself about my inner feelings like that. Why? I don't want others to feel bad, even if they need to know how horrible they are.

Since almost all negative emotions I have are bottled up, I often never let go of grudges I have with people.
With my dad, it's continued on for about a year.
Last December, he cheated on my mom. My sister and I would never forgive him for that; it was a huge reason for us to dislike him even more other than squabbles. My mother decided to forgive him for her own reasons, which I could live with. The problem was, my mom didn't consider our feelings, and that we were not close to ready to forgive him. My sister and mom had many fights about it. I was silent.
All I got was a half-assed apology, in which he didn't understand when I told him "You'll have to work your a** off to get my forgiveness"

I was even pushed into sending my dad a goodbye message before he left overseas again. I hate fights, and my mom scares me. Without a fight, I wrote him a message with her looming over me. I hate her for that.

He came back about 3 months later, and I hated the thought of him being around. As far as he was concerned, everything was okay between us. And we were best friends.

I've never told him how I still don't forgive him. I hate myself for saying "thank you" to him, or asking him for anything. I'm constantly hostile toward him, and he never recognizes it. If it weren't for financial reasons and my mom's feelings, I would love to have him out of my life forever.

Is it fair that I hold this against him, even though it's been so long? Bringing up my feelings about that seems invalid and unfair. He's stupid and has probably put all of that behind him, forgetting what horrible thing he did.
But I can't just let it go. He hasn't done anything to gain my forgiveness. But at this point, I'm not sure he can.
It's been burning me up for this last while, I'm not sure how far away I am from a mental breakdown. Not to mention all my other bottled up problems.

[sora wonk]

No, you're doing it wrong. You're not supposed to hurt yourself with your grudges. That's really counterproductive.

You need to work it out. What does your dad have to do to be forgiven?

[Ginger Business]

soracious wonk

No, you're doing it wrong. You're not supposed to hurt yourself with your grudges. That's really counterproductive.

You need to work it out. What does your dad have to do to be forgiven?

Honestly, I'm not sure what I want him to do, I'm not sure what he can do to make it better for me.
Of all things, I want him to stop acting like he didn't do what he did. I want his attitude to change, to respect my space and realize he's not out of hot water when it comes to me. I want him to be aware of how I feel.
I just want him to know. But after all this time it's probably completely irrelevant to him. He'll probably go off about how he already "apologized" and say "what else am I supposed to do?"

[sanityscraps]

Whatever feelings you have are valid. Your dad's a toxic parent. You can't hope to change him, or at least you can't let your happiness hinge on that hope. Instead, you have to put the blame where it belongs (on your dad) and try to make yourself the better person.

Source: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. A really great book.

[sora wonk]

Ginger Business

soracious wonk

No, you're doing it wrong. You're not supposed to hurt yourself with your grudges. That's really counterproductive.

You need to work it out. What does your dad have to do to be forgiven?

Honestly, I'm not sure what I want him to do, I'm not sure what he can do to make it better for me.
Of all things, I want him to stop acting like he didn't do what he did. I want his attitude to change, to respect my space and realize he's not out of hot water when it comes to me. I want him to be aware of how I feel.
I just want him to know. But after all this time it's probably completely irrelevant to him. He'll probably go off about how he already "apologized" and say "what else am I supposed to do?"

I don't know the right answer. It's a tough situation, especially because a year has passed. It seems like you want to talk to him about it, though, and I think if you have time alone, it's something you definitely can do, as long as both of you are willing to listen to each other. I personally would recommend it.

I found that my father was cheating on my mother last year, and we just never acknowledged it. I just have an awkward relationship with my parents and I've come to accept that that's how it's going to be. It doesn't bother me much because I know I can't get along with everyone and parents are just people.

Really it depends on what kind of relationship you want with your dad.

I think the most important thing though is to make sure you're happy because there is no reason you should suffer for something he did.

[Chiru-pon]

He might not think he has to apologize to you because he supports you and your mother financially. I don't know your family background, but a lot of traditional husbands are like this. I'm Asian and my family was like that. So are most Asian families I know. I also highly doubt he doesn't notice your hostility. He probably just thinks you're a stereotypical ungrateful teenager and ignores it. Or at least that's what my father thought of me. Like I said, I'm making the presumption that we're from a similar background and we're probably not.

I also have to ask if you know why you're father cheated, because if you don't know the whole story, you shouldn't judge him. If I were you I'd have a heart to heart with him and really discuss your feelings. And when I say, "discuss," I don't mean things like, "Why did YOU cheat on mom?" It has to be something like: "I was hurt when I found out that you cheated on mom. I felt betrayed." Use I statements and avoid saying "you." Using you statements is the easiest way to turn a discussion into an argument.

[Ask Jappleack]

sanityscraps

Whatever feelings you have are valid. Your dad's a toxic parent. You can't hope to change him, or at least you can't let your happiness hinge on that hope. Instead, you have to put the blame where it belongs (on your dad) and try to make yourself the better person.

Source: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. A really great book.

how can we trust your word on it

[sanityscraps]

We Are Organisms

sanityscraps

Whatever feelings you have are valid. Your dad's a toxic parent. You can't hope to change him, or at least you can't let your happiness hinge on that hope. Instead, you have to put the blame where it belongs (on your dad) and try to make yourself the better person.

Source: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. A really great book.

how can we trust your word on it

Well I don't know, if you're that interested, you could check out the book yourself or something. Just a thought.

Dumbass.

[Ask Jappleack]

sanityscraps

We Are Organisms

sanityscraps

Whatever feelings you have are valid. Your dad's a toxic parent. You can't hope to change him, or at least you can't let your happiness hinge on that hope. Instead, you have to put the blame where it belongs (on your dad) and try to make yourself the better person.

Source: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. A really great book.

how can we trust your word on it

Well I don't know, if you're that interested, you could check out the book yourself or something. Just a thought.

Dumbass.

you chose the dad not th emom because you call yourself a feminazi. That is why, why should I trust you? The book is inherently trustworthy to claim it is a guide to what toxic parents are. But, you are obviously biased toward the male gender. A correctable problem, if you wanted it to be corrected. But I feel you don't because you feel empowerment from being a feminazi hence the reason to even state it in the first place in your signature. So no matter what, you will try and justify your actions because you think you are superior. So when you say its a great book, it may not be. And you are projecting the happyness hinging on the hope of changing the dad. What if they dont care if the dad changes, and this is what you want instead, to change males? You assume the need is for the dad to change, but it is her fault simply for not speaking up, not the dad's fault for not listening here. She wanted him to understand something he didnt have adequate time to understand in her situation. He doesn't have to change, just acknowledge, she wants aknowledgement and wants her mom to be acknowledged, you are projecting forcing change onto the father. They are both responsible for miscommunication, the whole family if anything. If he was getting satisfied in the relationship and acknowledged himself by his wife he may have not cheated, you don't know why he cheated, and neither do the daughters, they are all guilty of miscommunication, and thinking themselves all superior. And you thinking you are superior to all males, even calling me a dumbass. You even assume Im interested in such a boring book, I simply google parent narcicism and see a few videos and Im doen with the topic already. I won't call you a dumbass, you are going to feel stupid, then hate me for being a male anyways. Why even call someone a dumbass? It doesn't help anybody.

[SkywardConductor]

You sound like me for bottling things up.

You should talk it out with someone. Talk out your feelings. But things are unlikely to ever change. I've hoped for people to change, and they never do. I need to let go of some people (and doing a horrible job at it)... because I know they'll never acknowledge they're wrong.

Then, find something to replace him. Life's too short to dwell on these sad things.

[obamaurmama]

Honestly, it's your parents' business, and you have the right to be upset that your father cheated, but it's simply their problem that they need to work through. You're holding the grudge because this is information you don't want, this is an issue you want to have never happened, and you're frustrated over being completely helpless in this situation. Your parents need to work this out without interference from their children, and then they can figure out how best to work through it as a family. By completely alienating your father for your mother's sake when she is clearly not as perturbed by it as you are. Hell, maybe she's had affairs of her own. Parents are adults with their own lives and identities separate to yours, and you need to worry about your own business. It sucks when you see a parent cheat, and it can completely alter the way you view your own relationships, but your anger isn't going to help the situation. It can only exacerbate it and cause you more pain.

Have you tried writing a letter to your parents? That might work, even if you only write it just for yourself. Being open and honest can sometimes help. Not always, but sometimes. You've got nothing to lose.

[CH1YO]

No but feel free to hurt yourself by doing so.

[Princess of Heretics]

I held a grudge against my dad for almost fifteen years.

From personal experience, I can say mending broken bonds is your healthiest option.

Ask for his side of the story, and just listen. You may not agree with what he says, but if you expect him to listen to what you have to say, you damned well better listen to what he has to say.

Tell him you want to reforge your relationship. Address the problems, and discuss ways to fix them.

Unattended bridges can burn down, but it takes hard work and dedication to rebuild them.

[Aporeia]

It's never right to hold grudges.

[Teseron 34527]

Do what you want.
But you'll probably regret it in 10 years when you've completely pushed him out of your life.
Oh well.