Welcome to Gaia! :: Posts By User Unknown User | Forum

I get that you hate Twilight. Hell, me and anyone with a speck of common sense agrees with you. But, come on, the series is over. Smeyer won't give up the drama of the Midnight Sun leak by finishing the thing and publishing it, and there isn't much news on the horizon beyond vague hintings that she's even going to write anything else.

There's nothing new to whine about with those books. Us antis are getting repetitive as anything, and, frankly, it's about as annoying as the fans raving over Smeyer and sparkles. Your complaints about the series are nothing new. They've all been addressed over and over on the anti-Twilight thread on this board, and on other sites (i.e. Twilight Sucks, the Anti-Twilight Lexicon, Black Pawn Movement, Dazzle Me This, etc.). Playing it up doesn't really add to the discussion, nor does it help lower the number of threads about Twilight in the Books forum. It's just old. It's dull. It comes off as your inability to move on, rather than your opinion about an honestly terrible series.

Next time, try just posting stuff like this in the main anti-Twilight thread instead of making this new one, alright? Follows forum rules and leaves people less annoyed. It's a win-win. ;]

Start at the beginning. neutral It's pretty straightforward. Start the story where it begins, then go until you get to the ending.

'Course, it makes it hard to help when you aren't giving us any information on your story.

As long as this is explained eventually in the story, sounds good enough to me. (: Thanks for the explanations.

Thanks, Crack. Glad to have helped. n_n

I would think that if someone really wants her dead, they would explain the target and situation fully to the potential assassins. It wouldn't make sense for the person who hired the men to say, "'Kay, kill this kid, here's some cash, thanks guys," and not give them, say, a warning about her. Am I missing something here? Did the assassins just blow off any sort of warning, thinking that they could handle some little girl? I'd like that explained a bit, even if it is later on.


Oh, good. There is a side effect. (: I was afraid it was another one of those magic systems where people can use the magic without a single downside. Now, I think that you should mention this energy drainage in the italicized bit of your story. Maybe just the narrator noting to herself about feeling some of her energy draining away, starting to feel dizzy, whatever. That would make it a lot more believable.


Gotcha. I've got no argument there. (: I'm basing it off of my own experience with a Lab that I used to own, and she ate like crazy, little porker. Anyway. Good to have it explained.


Thank you for not freaking on me. I'm always hesitant to critique, because a lot of people getting defensive or up in arms when someone says something even remotely critical about their story. You're a breath of fresh air, and I respect and appreciate it. =]

First of all, it's criticism. neutral Think the word "critic," plus "ism." Simple as that. Seems like a pretty stupid thing to nitpick, but if you're going to call out my points, you ought to at least realize that "criticism" isn't spelt with a "z."

I don't think you have a grasp on what "realistic" in a fictional sense means. Every good story, even if it has unicorns farting rainbows or witches or whatever fantastical element you can think of, should have something called realism. It makes the story believable. It doesn't mean that these things should necessarily be possible in the real world, but what's going on shouldn't seem ridiculous to the degree that your readers can't take you seriously. When I called the spell unrealistic, that was not to say that it would never happen in the real world (which I didn't even use as an argument). In this case, it means that it's silly to me, logically, that in a world with magic and witches, some kid who isn't even ten could perform such a massive spell period, much less without any sort of negative effect, such as exhaustion or injury.

Please don't put words into my mouth. Find an instance, just one, where I said the witch's existence was unrealistic, or that the simple fact that there was magic in the story made it silly and implausible.

Could you point out some of my points that needed "more story" for me to make? I honestly can't see any, and I'd appreciate more detail on that one.

One last thing. Did you have to make the "for your age" comment? Even though I already wrote this in my first post, I'll say it again: You should be critiquing the writing, not the author's age.

That doesn't even make sense. s**t, man, you have to read something to know if you like it or not.

EDIT: Beaten to it.

Huh. I sorta forgot about this.

Regardless, I wrote 156k in July for JulNo, and I'm 16.6k along on my AugNo, so I suppose I'll just hope for 200k total before the month's out. (: I can do that, no sweat.

First and foremost, don't ever use your age as an excuse for what you've written. It's, in complete honesty, a really shitty thing to do as a writer, since what you want your audience to be concerned with is your work, not however old you are. A lot of people have been saying "good for your age" when talking about this piece, and that's not generally a good sort of compliment.

Okay. Your story. I'm going to do a line-by-line critique on this puppy. Essentially, it'll just be me saying what sat well and what didn't with me as both a writer and reader. I put grammatical corrections in red, and I'm going to look at each paragraph on the whole first, then take on individual sentences as I see fit. I've also made the font fairly small, to avoid a page-stretcher.

Quote:

It was dark and cold, and I was much the same way. The moon was black in the sky; even the stars hid their faces. In that darkness a massacre was about to occur. And I, an eight-year-old girl, was to be in the thick of it. An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. The faded gleam of a far away street light reflected off their silver chest plates. Their skin faded into the run down alley walls, and only their hateful eyes even acknowledge me. By reading their body language I reasoned that I wasn’t seen as a threat. Big mistake…

Um. There are a number of things I want to address here. neutral

First of all, this feels forced. The style rubs off as an attempt to be all mysterious and perhaps terrifying, but it leaves this vaguely annoying effect instead. What I mean is that it's cliche. Used time and again. Not to say that cliche things can't work, but, in this case, I'm afraid it does not. A lot of this is do to sort of juvenile descriptions. You're telling me that's dark. You're telling me that these guys have hateful gleams in their eyes or something. You're telling me the alley is rundown (which is only one word, by the by).

You see all that telling? It's not effective. Like I said, it becomes annoying in an instant. Your readers are going to be more wrapped in the scene if you appeal to their senses. It's a rundown alley. How does it smell? Like piss and garbage? What makes it rundown? Graffiti on the brick? Used needles littering the ground? C'mon. Show me the scene. What about temperature? What effect does the darkness have on the narrator's eye sight? How does she feel? Nervous in the pit of her stomach? Irritated? Surprised? Amused? Clue me in to her emotions, not by saying "I was scared" or whatever. Describe body language. A smirk. Something.

And with the night. That description is really, really boring. "Dark." "Cold." "Black." Completely stock words. The description of stars hiding their faces is mildly good, but everything else doesn't do anything for me. I think you want to audience to feel apprehensive. Use words that should make me nervous, for the protagonist, for what's coming, for what's hiding in the shadows. This is your opening paragraph, man. Don't make it a throwaway one. You want something that will stick to people's ribs and make them want to keep reading. It's your opportunity to set the scene, and, frankly, it blows. I'm turned off five words in.

Quote:

In that darkness a massacre was about to occur. And I, an eight-year-old girl, was to be in the thick of it.

I like the abruptness of this, though I would've stated it differently (hey, to each his own, right?). But I must ask, is it absolutely necessary for us to know that she's a girl right now? Why not leave it at "And I, eight years old at the time, was..." instead? Your call on that one, really.

Quote:

An armada of tall and muscular men stood before me. The faded gleam of a far away street light reflected off their silver chest plates. Their skin faded into the run down alley walls, and only their hateful eyes even acknowledge me. By reading their body language I reasoned that I wasn’t seen as a threat. Big mistake…

...okay. She's an eight year old kid, and they sent an entire armada after her? Wow, she's either a really tough little girl, or they're excessive. Seriously, though, it seems silly to me that they would send so many people, even if she's some witch-girl (and that much power at eight? I'm talking about that later, but... Eh. You'll see.). Or if they were really there to assassinate her, why they walked up and stood there, then informed her later that they intended to kill her. Or, if she was such a powerful witch, why they wouldn't try to take her by surprise. I mean, really, they've got to be a bit thick if they required A) 128 men, B) armor, and C) cornering her in a dark alley, and they still decided to give her the opportunity to escape or kill them off.

Am I missing something here? To me, logically, it doesn't make sense. At all.

Quote:

The faded gleam of a far away street light reflected off their silver chest plates.

Let me get this straight. There's the back of the alley, then the witch, then the big dudes blocking the opening, correct? Figuring that there shouldn't be any "far away" lights coming in from the back of the alley, seeing as it's a solid wall and wouldn't have light coming through it, it's coming from the mouth. So the only ways for the men to have light reflecting on their chest plates are A) they're facing backward, B) they all put on their armor wrong that morning, or C) it's an inconsistency. I think that we can safely rule out A and B. ;] Keep on eye on stuff like this, because readers notice it, and it shatters a story's credibility when there are simple mistakes like that.

Quote:

The largest one grinned, his angry, amused brown eyes traced over me.

The description of his eyes is, well, kinda funny, to be honest. Amused and angry? Hmm. If he thinks this job is such a joke, why should he be angry? ._. It doesn't sound right.

Quote:

“I’m sorry, little girl, but you’re going to die now.” He laughed. It was a joke to him, easy pay, he must think. That was the joke to me, I grinned, awaiting the assassin. He seemed disheartened by the fact I was not afraid, and ordered his men to charge. Then… it was over.

Uh. Dialogue? It's not working too well for me. It, um, it sounds like something from out of one of that old Flash Gordon movie. In other words, it's sort of ridiculous. I mean, if you're walking up with an army of big dudes right behind you, you're probably armed to the teeth and just there to kill the bugger before tea time, why would you say something like that? For that matter, why would you say anything at all? It strikes me as really cheesy. I think that you were intending to, I don't know, make him seem really mean or something, but it didn't pan out so well.

You used the phrase "it was a joke to whoever" twice in two sentences. Um. Not a good thing, I'm afraid. Why not shoot for something else? Do you even need to tell us that it was a joke? Because, again, you're doing a whole lot more telling here than showing. Have them both react like they found each other to be funny, and let the readers draw their own conclusion. Same thing with the assassin guy looking disheartened. Show me he's disheartened. A frown. Maybe he deflates a bit. I think that you can do better than saying "he seemed disheartened." ;]

Quote:

It was a joke to him, easy pay, he must think.

There is a slight tense shift here. "Must think." It goes from past to present. "Must have thought" would be correct, or even just leaving off the "he must think" bit entirely and keeping it at "It was a joke to him. Easy pay," or something. I personally prefer that latter, but that's more stylistic than anything else. :]

Quote:

Vines of gargantuan size tore through a soon-to-be-empty corridor. Thorns that measured at least two feet in width shot like bullets through the bloody halls. There was no time for screams in this chaos; they were ended before they could even begin. Life was like mildew being shaken from tender leaves. And in it’s midst I stood, unharmed. They should have been stronger. If they wanted to survive in a world of witches, that was. I counted the dead bodies: one hundred twenty-eight. They sure did send a lot of people to kill me.

Before I say anything else, I need to establish that I really, really like the line "Life was like mildew being shaken from tender leaves." It's good imagery. Nice. :]

This is another perfect example of telling over showing. Appeal to the five senses. How does it sound when the vines rip through the walls? The ground? Do we hear metal splitting under the force of the thorns? Swords falling out of hands? What does it look like? Arterial blood dripping through the tears in armor? What about gaping mouths? Still-open eyes? Give me something macabre to imagine, something that will make this scene pop. What about how the vines look? Their texture? What about smells? Does the sudden rush of a weedy scent fill the air? Involve me in the scene. Make it feel so vivid that it's like I'm there.

Now for the actual spell. Wow. Godmoding, much? I cannot see a little kid pulling a spell like this period, much less without any side effects. It's like saying that an eight year old could out-swim Michael Phelps. It doesn't happen; if anything, it's sort of ridiculous. On top of that, there's no real consequence to the caster. I mean, c'mon. A spell like that? Shouldn't the force of the magic have some sort of adverse effect on her? It comes off as pretty video game-esque and silly, to be honest, especially since she just totally killed off over a hundred huge men without getting a scratch. Unrealistic. Maybe a clarification of how the magic system works is in order?

Quote:

I counted the dead bodies: one hundred twenty-eight.

Uh. She sat there and counted one hundred twenty-eight bodies? Seriously? It's okay to make an estimation. I mean, it's a pretty stupid picture, imagining this eight year old sitting there for ten minutes just counting dead folks ("one hundred twenty-six, one hundred twenty-seven, one hundred twenty-eight. There! One hundred twenty-eight!" ).

Quote:

They sure did send a lot of people to kill me.

Way to ruin the atmosphere. If you'd had anything built up prior, this line effectively sent it tumbling down. It's plain dumb in context. Why not have her sigh or something and comment about how the assassination attempts were starting to get really pathetic, or something that does not in any way, shape, or form include the word "sure"?

This is already pretty fricken long, so I'll summarize the rest of my thoughts.

No one describes their hair and eyes like that. It's obviously an excuse to tell us what the main character looks like, and it's pretty dumb. Bring up eye and hair color when appropriate, if at all. Also, are the age and name necessary right now? People can learn your character's name and age at other times that don't seem totally out of place for the moment.

The symbolism with her dog is obnoxious. I mean, really obnoxious. I don't like it much at all.

This girl's twelve and living in an apartment by, I assume, herself? What? That doesn't happen. She's twelve. How does she afford it, much less a Labrador (and, man, those are expensive dogs to keep. Do you have any idea how much they eat?)? It's not realistic.

Overall, you need to work on showing rather than telling, making sentences and paragraphs less choppy, making the reader care about the character and story, and your word choice. Didn't talk too much about that, but man. There's nothing special about the words you've chosen. They all are markedly dull or obvious, making for a markedly dull and obvious piece on the whole. Practice improving that, for sure.

Hope I helped you some.

Aw, shucks. (:

There's a guild? *curiosity is piqued* Paolini makes fantasy writers in general look bad. D: It's a depressing sort of talent he has.

Whoo! I learned an eensy bit for a skit once upon a time from someone who didn't really know German either (she was in her first class or something), so I wasn't sure if I would be able to decipher that. xD

A Latin translation: "I speak a little Latin. I do not speak it fluently... I am a student of Latin 1." I can basically comprehend Latin on a "Frog and Toad are Friends" level and speak it on par with "Go, Dog, Go!" I'm just a very ambitious Latin 1 student.

I had the worst conlang EVER back in sixth grade. A smashing-your-head-on-the-keyboard, gee-this-looks-exotic-enough sort of language. I called it... *winces* the Common Tongue. Someone should have shot me then and there.

Thankfully, the one I'm in the midst of developing right now for a certain story is more complex and thought-out. I've only just started about a month ago and so far I've got basic grammar rules down as well as the alphabet. It's got letters similar to the Romance languages (with some letters omitted, some added, accents put on in a lot of places) because I'm really not ready to make a language consisting entirely of Arabic-esque symbols just yet. Right now I haven't got a very good name for it; I'm only calling it Fargue (named after a mythological god that supposedly created the language and the world among other things) for now.

... That was off-topic.

@Moonfall: Eh, we’ve all done it at least once. *pokes above paragraph* Just so long as you’ve learned from your mistakes and, when practical, you avoid making them in the future. n_n