First published story--please review & critique!

[Dreamborn Lily]

My first published story, a horror serial called Sacreya's Legacy about a zombie private detective, is finally up in its entirety.

http://www.friedfiction.com/index.html?series=323001

I want to know what I do well and what I still need to work on, what readers like and what they dislike. Please read my story, review it, critique it, ask me questions, etc. Use this thread to discuss anything related to the story or my writing, but if you're going to mention anything from the story that is a spoiler, please use white font to hide it from anyone who hasn't read that far.

I would hope to get fans out of this, but if I get more critics than fans, at least that will be helpful, too. razz

[Dreamborn Lily]

Could someone please take a look?

[Dreamborn Lily]

Any feedback at all would be much appreciated. smile

[FallenGITS]

read first two chapters... or well episodes XD
the plo, great but mind a bit the english. Try outing some character into the conversations and into the storytelling, after all your zombie Ben tell's his story, right? Make it sound like Ben. Also a bit tiring to read. It's intriguing and when it gets to the intriguing point it let's you down and moves to something else. Yes I know there's quite a technique of intercalation there but for the sake of your readers finish your ideas. Let the reader know stuff. It will still keep the reader hooked up, do not worry. Like the goggles girl. I personally would have liked to know who she was and how he came to know her... And than be left to wonder where is she now while you went on with the story. Also again about the speeches. The lady who contacted him seems to be quite the rich, polite type, try showing that in the way she speaks. And put a bit more concentrated action in it, like for example the first scene in the airport. Also when does it happen? I really couldn't get the hang of it and it bothered me along all the time i spent reading. Is it present, alternative present, the past that never was? Future??

[Dreamborn Lily]

FallenGITS

read first two chapters... or well episodes XD
the plo, great but mind a bit the english. Try outing some character into the conversations and into the storytelling, after all your zombie Ben tell's his story, right? Make it sound like Ben. Also a bit tiring to read. It's intriguing and when it gets to the intriguing point it let's you down and moves to something else. Yes I know there's quite a technique of intercalation there but for the sake of your readers finish your ideas. Let the reader know stuff. It will still keep the reader hooked up, do not worry. Like the goggles girl. I personally would have liked to know who she was and how he came to know her... And than be left to wonder where is she now while you went on with the story. Also again about the speeches. The lady who contacted him seems to be quite the rich, polite type, try showing that in the way she speaks. And put a bit more concentrated action in it, like for example the first scene in the airport. Also when does it happen? I really couldn't get the hang of it and it bothered me along all the time i spent reading. Is it present, alternative present, the past that never was? Future??

Thank you for your feedback!

I disagree on some points, however--for example, I felt that Ben's voice came through rather well on the narration. As for him not revealing all of the information he knows right at the beginning, that's just how I felt the story would be best presented; spreading it out through later flashbacks and details rather than using a block of exposition.

Just a minor point--it isn't the girl with the goggles that he recognized, but the other girl in the picture.

It happens roughly in the present.

Thank you again for your feedback! I hope you'll continue to read.

[Dreamborn Lily]

Has anyone else read?

[Dreamborn Lily]

Anyone?

[Alara Star]

Very cool. Will read it. =3

Also, check out my story online:

http://ninja-high-school.blogspot.com/

[Dreamborn Lily]

Alara Star

Very cool. Will read it. =3

Also, check out my story online:

http://ninja-high-school.blogspot.com/

I've been very busy lately, but I will check it out.

[Dreamborn Lily]

Alara Star

Very cool. Will read it. =3

Also, check out my story online:

http://ninja-high-school.blogspot.com/

I finally got some time, so I checked out the first couple of parts of your story. One thing I'd comment on is that there's a lack of description, at least in the beginning. I used to have a huge problem with description; I'm slowly getting better at using it.

[Alara Star]

Dreamborn Lily

Alara Star

Very cool. Will read it. =3

Also, check out my story online:

http://ninja-high-school.blogspot.com/

I finally got some time, so I checked out the first couple of parts of your story. One thing I'd comment on is that there's a lack of description, at least in the beginning. I used to have a huge problem with description; I'm slowly getting better at using it.

Thank you for checking it out. It's been a long time since I wrote the beginning of the story, but I will definitely keep that in mind whenever I finally get around to finishing it and then revising it. =3

[Corlea]

I published my first ever Ebook on Amazon.com. I could use some critique too. It is also free!

Misery Saves the Night