Work For Dead Men Ch.4 (All are welcomed--02/15/10)

So, did you enjoy your Valentines Day

Hell yeah	33.3%	[ 1 ]
No...	33.3%	[ 1 ]
*Sniff* WAAAAAAAH!	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Er...it was okay	33.3%	[ 1 ]
Total Votes:			[ 3 ]

[Epic Myth]

WORK FOR DEAD MEN (WIP)

Updates and Stuff:
Hello everybody, this is a story I started and hoping to finish. I hope to gain many readers to come along me on this long journey of my character. Some of you may like it, some of you might not but hopefully at the end I hope everybody can enjoy it and take something from it. You can say...its sort of a mixture of many things, all told in one guy's view. Come by every now and then for updates, sit back, relax, have some pop corn, because this is one story that might be a little different than usual.

02-15-10: Sorry for taking so long to post Chapter 4. My life turned pretty busy now but anyway. Chapter 4 had some...fiery material in it. A hint to chapter 5. All and all, there's romance! Well...a cheap version of it. I also changed my title.

-Attention- NEED MORE READERS xp

NOTE to SELF: I hope my new title isn't bad or anything

Thanks to:
-Blind Spot16
-Candyde

Released:
-Prologue (Mission 0)
-Chapter 1 (Mission 1)
-Chapter 2 (1/2 of Mission 2)
-Chapter 3 (2/2 of Mission 2) Page 2
-Chapter 4 (1/2 of Mission 3) Page 2

Working On:
-Chapter 5


Prologue:

Mission 0: Reminiscing...


My name is MD Westland, and I'll tell you the truth and only the truth. I've lived a pretty interesting life, you know, action packed even. I went through it all- sex, kids, pain, happiness, love, loss. I've been great and I've been horrible, a hero and sometimes a villain even. Sure, I have my regrets, and if I could, I would repeat a lot of things in my life- but I learned well from time travel that changing things is not a good idea, trust me. So here I am reminiscing of old times and you're here along with me, so might as well start story telling you know.

It all started in a city and it was raining, my start for greatness began in a dirty, wet gutter under a cardboard box.

A nice place to start my legacy is it not? No? Screw you then, I loved that gutter too.


...about the Good Old Days: End of Mission 0

[Blind Spot16]

You could use a couple of separators, commas, dashes, tri-periods, etc... But it's alright otherwise. Try to use a new line every now and then to indicate or bring out suspense, like in the last part,

Here's something of my revised version

Quote:

My name is MD Westland, and I'll tell you the truth and only the truth. I've lived a pretty interesting life, you know, action packed even. I went through it all- sex, kids, pain, happiness, love, loss. I've been great and I've been horrible, a hero and sometimes a villain even. Sure, I have my regrets, and if I could, I would repeat a lot of things in my life- but I learned well from time travel that changing things is not a good idea, trust me. So here I am reminiscing of old times and you're here along with me, so might as well start story telling you know...

It all started in a city, and it was raining. My start for greatness began in a dirty, wet gutter under a cardboard box.

A nice place to start my legacy is it not? ...No?
Screw you then, I loved that gutter.

I like how the story started, =^w^=, it's an intriguing read. Kind of like a comic book intro.

[Ciarlare]

Agreed with Blind Spot about the commas and separators. But I don't find it necessary to add an ellipsis before "No?". Kinda ruins it for me.

And put a space in between a hyphen and the words it's in between, if you follow Spot's revision. :3

One of the best prologues I've read on this forum. I especially love that last line. :3

[Epic Myth]

Blind Spot16

You could use a couple of separators, commas, dashes, tri-periods, etc... But it's alright otherwise. Try to use a new line every now and then to indicate or bring out suspense, like in the last part,

Here's something of my revised version

Quote:

My name is MD Westland, and I'll tell you the truth and only the truth. I've lived a pretty interesting life, you know, action packed even. I went through it all- sex, kids, pain, happiness, love, loss. I've been great and I've been horrible, a hero and sometimes a villain even. Sure, I have my regrets, and if I could, I would repeat a lot of things in my life- but I learned well from time travel that changing things is not a good idea, trust me. So here I am reminiscing of old times and you're here along with me, so might as well start story telling you know...

It all started in a city, and it was raining. My start for greatness began in a dirty, wet gutter under a cardboard box.

A nice place to start my legacy is it not? ...No?
Screw you then, I loved that gutter.

I like how the story started, =^w^=, it's an intriguing read. Kind of like a comic book intro.

Thank you very much for the corrections, I could see that I might want to rework the first chapter again before I post it but thank you for the corrections

[Epic Myth]

Candyde

Agreed with Blind Spot about the commas and separators. But I don't find it necessary to add an ellipsis before "No?". Kinda ruins it for me.

And put a space in between a hyphen and the words it's in between, if you follow Spot's revision. :3

One of the best prologues I've read on this forum. I especially love that last line. :3

Wow really my prologue? Thanks a lot and I hope you come back to read the first chapter

[Epic Myth]

Edited it thanks to critique from Candyde please enjoy


Chapter 1:

Mission 1: Straight from the Gutters…

My eyes slid open automatically once I regained consciousness. Well maybe not regain but I awoke startled, found myself in a weird and uncomfortable place. For one it was dark but suddenly my vision changed. Now everything within these closed walls lit up in white, gray, and black. I lifted up my hand, examined the hard scaly backhand, the softer scaled palm with five long fingers and sharp nails. It occurred to me that I did not know who or what I was and by the way, where was I? I focused my attention on the wet walls that confined me in such a small space. Slowly I hooked my fingers under it and lifted it up.

A low light seeped from under and then for the first time I noticed the feelings across my body. I contemplated on it at first, noticed the sounds of water, rain I believe. It was raining outside this inclusion, this dripping, wet, cardboard box. And each time a drop of water hit the ground, it sent a wave towards me, simply by closing my eyes I could see the world around me without seeing. Like sonar, even though I’m not sure what it means but yet I do. Why do I know all this stuff but my memory is blank, yes that’s it, my memory is nonexistent. So gently and unsure, I lifted the box over me and allowed it to fall back against a green dumpster.

I slowly stood and viewed the world around me with my own eyes through normal vision. The vibrations of the water droplets gave me the sketches of the landscape, but I was blown away by its true sight. It was a filthy, neglected place. It was strewn with junk thrown on the ground with garbage-filled trash cans packed against the walls. It was a walkway between incredibly tall structures called buildings, a gutter, insignificant, uncared for. The atmosphere was grayish with dark storming clouds up above and the many flashes of neon lights peeping out the corner.

I shivered under the duress of the bitter, wet environment. It was not to my liking but I doubt it will kill me. I stopped my observations and thought about that word, kill, to take away life, destroy, and give one death, death, destruction of the living, a state to never breathe again. I knew the gravity of the meaning, yet, it rolled through my mind with ease, but still, I do not know why. I looked down at myself. I was wearing clothing, a red hood jacket with “CROSSROADS” written across the chest, black jeans and Timberland boots, all wet now and clearly I’m male.

Now if only I could see my reflection, I must be something scaly, maybe a dragon even. I scrunched my brow, the idea was strange to me, doesn't sound right. I am someone, anyone important, I shrugged at that thought. I contemplated on the situation, evidently gave up and turned towards the exit with its colorful neon lights at the end. I heard voices over there, more like felt but the word hear would do for now. Before I took a step there was a bang of a door and new voices perked my interests and they were within the gutter as well.

“I’m sorry Benny but I’m out man! I can’t do this s**t anymore!” A tall but strange-looking dude banged open the door, walked out into the filthy gutter, then bawled from its smell. “s**t, this place stinks.”

I walked upon him with his back to me, unnoticed. From my knowledge, he was wearing a normal white T-shirt expanded by his muscles, loose blue jeans that hung around his thighs, more like sagged, showing off his red boxers. Thug, my mind called him. Stranger yet or maybe not so strange, his body was covered in a thick carpet of red fur, with a red cat like tail protruding out his behind. His red fur was decorated by green streaks of stripes from his Mohawk styled hair down the length of his viewable body. I wasn’t sure what he was until he looked back and noticed my presence for the first time.

His face was mixed between a human and a fox-gorilla hybrid only a mother could love. I chuckled from that thought. He didn’t share my enthusiasm, instead was surprised my presence behind him. His shock grew to anger but he didn’t have the time to deal with me. A shorter, much out of shape fellow came out into the rain to join us. Let’s say, he was a black mix between a pig and a raccoon, dressed in a greasy brown suit. “Look Tyke, I was the one who got you off the streets. Gave you a roof to live under and some warm food in your belly-”

Tyke cut him off savagely. “Look Benny, I’m in your ******** gratitude for all this but I got enough money to get a new life. I can’t do this crap no more man. This s**t is work for-”

“Dead men, yeah I already know but you would have already been dead if I wasn’t driving by. Who bailed you out when you were in trouble with the mob? Who gave you work when you were desperate? Don't tell me you didn't enjoyed having a man’s life at your hands?” An ace up the sleeve I suppose, I wonder how big Tyke would handle that?

“Yeah, thanks for the help Benny but I’m out, I’m not built for the life of a paid killer that’s what the Outlaws are for.” Outlaws, who are the Outlaws? From the way Tyke said it, probably some sort of Taboo. “Adios Benny, good luck in finding someone else for the job.”

Little, plump Benny seemed like he was going to blow, but Tyke had already turned his back on him. He looked angrily down at me and we bumped shoulders. Not much of a nice dude I see, even though he’s backing off a challenge too big for him. “******** b***h, I can’t get anyone to do a simple job for money these days like those ******** agents.” Benny cursed, kicking a garbage can over, suffering an embarrassing tantrum.

“Was ist Arbeit?” I asked in German.

Benny whirled around angrily like a mad dog, attracted by noise. “Who the ******** are you and what the hell you said?” Oh yeah, they are speaking English, so why did I speak German?

“I said what job?” I repeated in English. He looked at me strangely, his brow scrunched, his large nose winkled. He didn’t respond, instead he took a cigarette, lit it in spite of the rain drenching him, but he didn’t care and I didn’t either.

He blew out a puff through his nose. “Heh, you seem like a killer, you Nazi or something?” I stared at him not sure about how to respond to that. I heard of that term before, wait, I do know it yet I don’t. Why would he ask that? Is it how I look, my voice does sound German while his sounded like a worker at a meat deli. After an awkward moment of silence he let out a sigh. “Okay, not my business but if you’re not a killer you better leave kid.”

“Who do I have to kill, for what reward?” The word kill rolled off my slithering tongue without a problem. Slithering tongue? I shook the phrase out my mind and thought about reward, money of course.

“The reward is three-thousand moolahs, sounds good kid?” His disturbing pig-like mouth opened into a wide grin, showing his gnarly teeth. For a gangster, he can’t afford a dentist check. I mused about the thought but focused back on the money for a person’s life.

“Who, where, and when?” I blurted without much thought, and while I confused my own self Benny laughed, showing those gnarly teeth even more. It was a belly roll of a laugh, caused him to slap against the wall, and wipe his tears.

“I like you kid, what’s your name?” He chuckled.

“MD Westland.” I paused, looking away from Benny so he wouldn’t see the flabbergasted expression on my face. This was starting to creep me out, it was like my mouth was speaking without my consent. I recovered from my shock, and looked back to Benny who seemed satisfied with my proposal.

“Well MD Westland, come inside, been out here in the rain for too long. Aren’t you cold kid, for a snake you know?” Benny waved a hand, invited me in, and my gratitude for him grew now that he told me what I wanted. I’m a snake man, possibly have a snake head, it explains the vibration thing. I don’t have ears. I hear through vibrations, focused even more, it works like super sonar. I followed him inside his humble abode. On my mind was the thirst for my identity. I must be some type of killer, German even. If doing such a horrendous task helps, then I'll do it.

It didn’t take long for him to brief me on what I needed to know. He was done in a few minutes in his mess of an office with a leaking ceiling. He explained he was in the business of “odd jobs”. For now, all he wanted me to do was walk down a few blocks, crash a party, and kill the host. He showed me a picture of the target, handed me a gun, and instantly I knew it was a nine-millimeter handgun. He asked if I knew how to use it, I said yes, it was strange but true. He showed me the way out, but held tightly to my right arm which bothered me.

“Listen here MD, once you kill the b*****d, make sure to run opposite of this direction. Shake off the cops and any pursuers and don’t go on a freaking massacre or anything.” He then told me to the address of a park and where he would put the money. He looked me in the eyes and loosened his grip. He spoke again before I made my leave. “If you do good, kid, I think we can make a lot of money together. There’s business associates of mine, looking for a loyal gun for hire but only if you do good.”

Benny turned away and before he closed the door he whispered. “If he ******** stays loyal I can make money off this dipshit.”

Dipshit, well that’s a spiteful word, I should keep it in mind for later on. At least the rain stopped but I was still soaking wet. I walked down the steps, stood on the sidewalk and took in my surroundings. Old and new vehicles rolled by along with many types of people I never seen in my life. They were all strange in their own way, with their multitude of clothing, and looks. Mostly loners stalked the streets, which were just a step above the gutter. The neon lights were from a club getting started early.

I watched a loving couple of a cougar-like woman and bird-like man pass by. The strangest thing was their child, skipping, hopping between them. He was a normal little boy, a human among many oddities of the world. I didn’t understand why it was so important, so I shook it off quickly, and got moving. From what I learned, I was in Auburn-Hood District New Jersey, recently rebuilt, but still a horrible place. I took my time to look at the sites, the recently opened clubs and stripper joints. I passed by a bar, gun store, ugly looking apartments strewn in between. If this was rebuilt, than I wouldn’t want to see what it was before, and I chuckled at the thought.

It was a slow transition, but a pleasant sight to see once I made a turn on the curb. I headed to a cleaner block with some stores and restaurants, attracting a larger crowd of people. There were groups with many more varieties of people. The atmosphere was still gloomy though, didn’t know why, most of the populace kept their heads down. I spied in between the vibrant creatures, at some with machine-like features. No wait, some of them were full machines…whoa. I took a stop, watched a silver robotic man walking down the other side of the street, each step a heavy clunk. Behind him was a cybernetic half-human man and a large, leather dressed, yellow, female feline with a robotic left arm.

I turned my gaze back on my path, this place is weird. I was about to cross the street, head into the Skylight Area when I stopped on the curb. Looked and watched a ferret-woman fly over, without wings, followed by a man in robes, with wings. Man, this place was strange and yet, I was not surprised. Lost in my thoughts, I looked into a restaurant’s reflective windows.

I stared at myself. I was definitely a snake but what kind? Based on my head and hands I had olive scales and golden underbelly. My neck was pretty long and my head, it was shaped to a specific type of snake. It’s on the tip of my tongue, and just then when I thought about it, my tongue slipped out my mouth and I tasted the air.

A bunch of senses I was not aware of, hit me with a knockout force. It was like smell and taste combined together, once in the system it separates so it could be read differently. They were so many of these particles in the air. I could taste each individual around me. Everybody in a vicinity of me, I could sense them, even bits of their feelings. I could hear them, with just a bit of focusing I could hear/feel their internal organs, taste their bodily odors which was like a crappy rainbow.

I grasped my head and shook it. All this is a bit overwhelming, it made my head hurt. I stared at my image until it finally hit me. I’m a cobra, a king cobra. I could probably pull out my hood if I hiss or something. I thought about it, but I didn’t want to gather too much attention. Besides, the restaurant owners were looking at me warily. They seemed nervous for a couple of rodents. I flicked my tongue again, this time focused. I tasted their odors and it appealed to me. Likely prey to my species, they probably knew it too.

I moved on once the cars stopped and I could cross the street. I observed the sights as I walked two more blocks towards my destination. This area was fancier, the mood here cheerier. The people were dressed up a bit, the cars parked more expensive. Quite the transition, from poor to wealthy. I doubted this was the richest neighborhood though, maybe a bit of middle class. I passed by a neighborhood and watched a bunch of kids playing. Each one different from the other but they get along easily. Even with the mechanized child, and the human, no, elf, she has elf ears.

I enjoyed the slow walk, nearly forgetting the weapon in my procession, the dark purpose of my job. Should I go through with this? Something in me said yes and I listened to it. I would kill the target and get the money but then what? I would get to that when the time came, now I’m in front of the building I have to infiltrate, a Museum. I took a seat at a bus stop, and watched the Museum from across the street. There seemed to be a gathering inside with well-dressed guests, entering after being checked by the tight-collared guards.

Again the guests were all different looking, colorful and some were dressed quite weirdly. Robes, tuxes, casual, pajamas, tights, black robes, blue robes, red robes, wraps, no shirt, naked steel, masked, many masked, fur coats, Arabian, Brazilian, African robes, purple, gold, recycled, Western, conservative, provocative, and many others. I may not have a memory but this is a very strange gathering, or these people are just strange. Now that I thought about it, I wonder if my outfit will suffice for entry. I looked down at myself, no, I need a card. A human-like woman with fox ears pulled out one for a guard.


Okay, so getting in was going to take some creativity. Should I forced my way in and look for my target. No, if there was a large crowd, he’s hosting it, he would be warned, and he would hide. Then how else? I looked around and couldn’t come up with anything else.

“Тогда я буду силы в пути,” hold up, did I just speak in Russian. “Er, I’ll force my way in.” There it go, English. I stood up and crossed the street with every nerve to forced my way in. Then with a stroke of luck, a short mouse-like man ran into me and fell, I didn’t. He looked up into my eyes and was petrified by fear. I must look scary to him and just when I was going to walk off, I saw that card on the ground.

“Here, sorry about that.” I offered a friendly hand and smiled, not sure how it looks. I helped him up, snatched up the card with expert shrewdness. He thanked me and focused on gathering the rest of his stuff. I made my way towards the front and stopped before a flight of stairs. I looked down at a puddle and stared at my reflection again. Now that I see it, I look too serious. So I experimented with a few expressions until something worked. It was a simple light look, a friendly coy that could only belong to a snake.

With my expressions framed into my mind. I climbed up the stairs and met with one of the guards, a tall shaggy bear. The type you think would say “Only you can prevent forest fires!” but ironically, he took out a cigarette and lit it. I do not understand where I’m getting these bits and fragments of irrelevant information from but they're humorous. He looked at me suspiciously, I showed him my card, and I was in. I wondered if they were going to check me, nobody did.

Inside was the lobby with pockets of people milling around. The main attraction and possibly my target was down the hall. I looked at a few exhibits and observed the many decorative designs. The theme was red and gold, majestic and rich. I flicked the air with my tongue and with better control, I sense of every person in the room. Including the ones up on the second level, but they shouldn’t be a problem.

So without another word or any stop, I strolled down the hall and into the main attraction. A ball room, filled with many fancy-dressed mechanical, animal, mystic, weird beings. I was happy they decorated the place with red so I wouldn't stand out much. Subtly, I made my way towards the front as the event began to enfold up on a stage. It got dark and I took a seat and watched the intro of the evening. People started dancing and singing to entertain the guests, while the main subject was getting ready.

I was entertained as well while I waited here with my concealed weapon. Once the beginning act was finished, the main act came and so did my target. He registered the picture perfectly. A short black human male at five feet and four inches, black hair, brown eyes, middle aged but fit build. Beside him was a remarkable leopard-like woman, dressed dark red and stand at six feet and seven inches. Probably a date but she completely dwarfed the man.

He walked up to the podium with his girl behind him. “I, Paul-Henri Joseph and my newlywed wife, Charlotte Amelia Joseph, want to thank all of you for coming to this very important summit for this evening.”

Or I could be wrong, but that wasn’t important now. Should I shoot him, or wait and listen. Either way I had to kill him, sooner or later didn’t matter.

“You’re all probably wondering why you’ve been summoned. Well you should, if not you'll understand soon enough. What we all need and should know is that this great community, this city, is being ripped away from the people who grew up here.

'We could all see that half of this city and its residence are living in poverty, middle wage is difficult, and the violence has risen. But we all knew this would happen, that our precious city would be wreacked with havoc. Havoc caused by the downing of our police system a decade ago.

"Now we’re forced to fend for ourselves, or keep higher personal guards at steep prices, just to keep our kids safe. We’ve been forced to pay more than we earn, just to keep our schools running, to keep the innocent bystanders safe, safe from the violence brought by that law. That law I speak of is something my wife knows well.” Paul stepped back from the podium and let his woman Charlotte take over.

She adjusted the microphone and spoke. Like her beauty, her voice was nothing less. “Thank you all for being here. Even though I tell my husband to stay by the script, he gets passionate in such matters.”

A chorus of rich, sophisticated laughter followed shortly after. Of course, it’s the woman job to keep the guests entertained and embarrassed her husband in the mean time. “But I love him dearly for that and each of his words are true. A law been passed that destroyed our valiant system of justice, now we have to pay dearly, just to be protected or even helped.

"This bill is called The Outlaw, allowing Agencies to take over the “business” of the hired gun, as long as they have the money to validate themselves. Of course they have the money because they’re bleeding it from us.” Another short rich laughter followed.

“But seriously, this has to come to a stop. Of course it’s easy for us to have protection. We already have the money, but what about those who don’t have that grace, like the many that live in this city. And what would happen when a crook, a rapist, a murderer, serial killer comes into their homes, or one of ours. And maybe, sadly that was the day we couldn’t pay for the hired gun services.” She paused and let her words sink in, she had the crowd in the palms of her hands, me as well.

Her husband watched with remarkable interests, like the crowd, he was pulled in by her remarkable and spirited voice. His wife was surely something, a lucky guy. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes envision a happy future with him, his wife, and his children, trying to better the world or just New Jersey.

“I think my husband Paul would like to handle it from here but before I give it up, please tolerate my husband, know that each of his words are true from his heart.” The crowd awed, she smiled and glanced back at her man, her human mate. They traded looks with many meanings and messages. Any fool could see the deep love and respect Paul and Charlotte had for each other.

“Thank you Charlotte, I don’t think there are many words that could explain this. As a future farther,” he had to pause from a chorus of applause. His wife smiled embarrassingly and placed a hand to her stomach. “Thank you, thank you but on a serious note, I do wish to see that child born. Born in a safer world, where all types of people could live in harmony. Human, elf, Morph, Cyber, it doesn’t matter what you are. I just want this place safer for my kid, for all of yours. The only way is for us to come together, like our forefathers did and fight for justice. Let our voices be heard and take action, if we don’t, then what can we tell our children? What can we tell them when the danger is right outside our homes?”

Everybody stood from their seats, clapped a joyous applause of positive energy and love. Everybody was moved, pumped by the idea of true justice, security for their families and themselves. They wanted to be an important group of individuals, with the pure idea to help their fellow citizens. All of them led by one of the remaining pure-blooded human beings left on the planet. A black dude as well, even though I’m not sure what difference that makes.

It was a joyous thing to see, to be in it felt moving, but a job was a job. So unnoticed and swiftly, I unsheathed my pistol from my jacket’s pocket, cocked it, and aimed. I pulled the trigger and his head flung back. Blood and brain matter burst out of the back of his skull, splattering all over his shocked wife. His body went limp and gravity took control.

It took a full second after his body was on the ground, blood gushing out of his head, pooling on the stage. A full second before they noticed newlywed, soon-to-be father, humanitarian, human, fighting for justice and ending violence was now another victim. Once a second passed the screaming began, then the panic, and the chaos, the sweet, sweet chaos.

…was the Greatest Gangster: End of Mission 1

[Epic Myth]

hmm...maybe I should cut my chapters in half =/

[Ciarlare]

Quote:

It occurred to me that I did not know who or what I was and by the way, where am was I?
Stick to one tense.

Quote:

Slightly, A low light seeped from under and then for the first time I noticed the feelings across my body.
Sounds a little awkward. You don't have to follow my revision, but you should change some stuff there.

Quote:

Why do I know all this stuff but my memory is blank, yes that's it, my memory is nonexistent.

Quote:

Apparently, it was not to my liking but I doubted it could kill me.

Quote:

Apparently who was in trouble with the mob and who was the one that bailed who out? Who was desperate for work and who gave him work?
Kind of phrased awkwardly. And you use "apparently" a lot too. I'd prefer something like: "Who bailed you out when you were in trouble with the mob? Who gave you work when you were desperate?"

Quote:

Based by From the way Tyke mentioned said it, probably some sort of Taboo.

Quote:

Little, plumped Benny seemed like he was going to blow, but Tyke had already turned his back on him.

Quote:

This is was starting to creep me out, it's was like my mouth is was speaking, without my consent.

Quote:

It didn't take long for him to brief me on what I needed to know. It He was done in a few minutes, in his mess of an office, with a leaking ceiling, even though he's was on the first floor of the building.

Quote:

He then told me to the address of a park and where he'll would put the money.

Quote:

"If you do good, kid, I think we can make a lot of money together. There's business associates of mine, looking for a loyal gun for hire, but only if you do good kid."

Quote:

At least the rain stopped but I'm was still soaking wet.

Quote:

Old and new vehicles rolled by, along with many types of people I never seen in my life.

Quote:

From what I learned, I'm was in Auburn-Hood District New Jersey, recently rebuilt, but still a horrid of a horrible place.

Quote:

Man, this place is was strange and yet, I'm not wasn't surprised.

Quote:

All of this is was a bit overwhelming; it made my head hurt. I stared at my image until it finally hit me. I'm was a cobra, a king cobra.

Quote:

I thought about it, but I don't didn't feel like gathering too much attention. Besides, the restaurant owners are were looking at me warily. They seemed nervous for a couple of rodents.

Quote:

Likely prey to my species, they probably know knew it too.

Quote:

I doubted this was the richest neighborhood though, maybe a bit of middle class.

Quote:

Each one different than from the other but they get along easily.

Quote:

I enjoyed the slow walk, nearly forgot about forgetting the weapon in my procession, the dark purpose of my job.

Quote:

Should I go through with this? Something in me said yes. Yes it is then. I will kill my target and get my money, then what? I'll would get to that when the time comes came, but now I'm was in front of the building I have had to infiltrate, a Museum.
I assume that the underlined words are thoughts. I suggest you italicize any thoughts he's having, so that readers won't be confused.

Quote:

There seems seemed to be a gathering inside with well-dressed guests, entering after being checked by the tight collared guards.

Quote:

"You're all probably wondering why you've been summoned. Well you should, if not you'll understand soon enough. What we all need and should know is that this great community, this city, is being ripped away from the people who grew up here.

"We could all see that half of this city and its residence are living in poverty, middle wage is difficult, and the violence has risen. But we all knew this would happen, that our precious city would be wrecked wreaked with havoc. Havoc caused by the downing of our police system a decade ago.

"Now we're forced to fend for ourselves, or keep higher personal guards at steep prices, just to keep your kids safe. We've been forced to pay more than we earn, just to keep our schools running, to keep the innocent bystanders safe, safe from the violence brought by that law.

"That law I speak of is something my wife knows well."
Remember, if his speech is separated into paragraphs, add double quotes at the start of each, but not at the end until it's finished.

You shifted a lot from past tense to present tense. >< I got too lazy to put them all here. You could try getting someone to check your grammar first. Misspelled words and awkward phrasing were abundant, too.

I find the chapter awesome though. The plot is interesting, and I like that there are weird species and political violence. :3

/critique

[Epic Myth]

oh man I'm so sorry for all these mistakes ): I'll start editing soon and cut the chapters in half to make it a little easier

Thank you very much for the critique and I'm hope you're back to read more

[Epic Myth]

I edited most of what I could find but next update I'll make sure to keep things in past tense and cut the chapters in half to make it easier for readers.

Thanks for the critique

[Ciarlare]

You're welcome. :3 Of course I'll read more, it's one of the few stories here I consider worth reading. biggrin

[Epic Myth]

sweet! thank you a lot man I'll see if I can submit half a chapter by Wesnday

[Epic Myth]

Updates!

[Epic Myth]

Chapter 2:


Mission 2: Just a scratch on the surface…

Paul-Henri Joseph had laid dead on the stage with Charlotte Amelia Joseph kneeling over his corpse. Her screams wounded my nerves and pierced through the crowd’s noise. The crowd was a storm of confused bodies rushing for the nearest exit. Some leaped into the distance and others flew. One man jumped through the window- smart choice- and led a new way out.

The world around me slowed to a crawl as I watched her. Charlotte howled her soul out. Her beauty disfigured by her tears and sheer, screeching, primal voice. She held Paul by his shoulders and wailed upon him. She shook him vigorously- with a lot of strength- as if the father of her baby was going to wake up from a deep nap. He never did. She shook her head, blubbering and screeching. Her anguish was heavy burden for all who watched, including me. I would had hate to have her attention on me.

Well, as much as I would like to pay my respects, it was time to go. I wasn’t sure if anyone saw me- probably someone did, but I needed to make my exit. I flicked my tongue and focused my senses. Like water flowing through a crack, I moved swiftly through the crowd. I used their confusion, their panic as my shield and cover. Once I broke out of the ballroom and into the spacious hall, the density of my cover weakened and stood me out.

That didn’t discourage me- no, it thrilled me. The screams of civilians, the confusion of the guards, the rush to escape. I had my weapon concealed and moved quickly down the hall. I weaved between a large bull-like man and a white haired woman with black eyes. I leaped over a small group of a tux-wearing werewolf, curvy Minotaur-woman, and blue-feathered man. I threaded the needle and slipped by a few bulky folks and easily broke into the front.

Now in the lobby, the guards were confused and scared. They weren’t sure what to do or how to get to the ballroom, past this stampede of a crowd. It was perfect, they would be too occupied by the pandemonium, and wouldn’t be able to focused on the culprit. Sadly, I was too eager to escape than to play it safe and stay with the crowd.

“Stop him! That snake wearing red, he’s the gunmen!” A woman’s voice broke through the chaos and focused all the attention on me, at the front.

“********, get that b*****d! Get him!” The bear man- probably the leader- yelled for his fellow guards to charge on me. They blocked the exit and the crowd I road with, blocked the way back to the hall. I was pinned and to make things worse, up on the second floor the guards were armed.

So here I was, in a position that would usually lead to death. Was I scared? No, sir, I was thrilled.

I flicked my tongue and registered everything in the room. The bear man barked orders at me, but I didn’t listened to him. I was focused on each armed man on the second floor balcony. They stood above the exit- nine in total- with Glocks loaded and aimed. The ones blocking the exit were five in total, so my chances varied. I could make a run for it, punch the bear, and make it out. Chances are, I’ll be shot up by the time I touch bear man.

Or, with fourteen bullets left in the chamber, I could shoot down each man on the balcony. Problem is, I wasn’t sure if the front five had weapons themselves. Benny also told me not to go on a massacre, so that hinders me. Chances were, that the second I pulled out my weapon, I’ll be filled with holes. By the time I reasoned through my chances, bear man was all but patient.

“******** it, shoot the bas-” I shot him in the left shoulder, over his heart without damaging a major artery.

I surprised myself, I didn’t think I could pull the gun out that fast. My right hand was ready and suddenly, it was out. Not only that, but I hit him in a crucial point that should disable him without killing him. How did I know to do that? I didn’t, but I couldn’t focused on the details. I needed stick with the goal, escape and survive.

As hell broke loose, I leaped to my left and aimed into the balcony. Time slowed and bullets buzzed at me from above. The crowd- whom were silent until then- screamed and backed away from the gunfight. The guards blocking my path, drew their weapons, but it was all too slow before my eyes. I flicked my tongue and fired back into the balcony, hitting each guard within three seconds. Three man down within a second. Each one grunted and cried in pain, released their guns, and dropped back out of view. Each one, alive.

I on the other hand, wasn’t gifted with super speed, and took my punishment. I did my best to avoid major damage but the bullets shredded through my nevertheless. To tell you the truth, I took a hit no man should be able to survive from. I counted five- three pierced through me and two lodged within me. One bullet hit a major artery in the middle of my left chest, usually a killer- usually.

Every other bullet were either close or grazed me. I landed on the ground and rolled into the wall with my blood spewed all over the place. The four guards that were left had their guns ready, aimed, but hesitated. From my position, I placed a bullet into each of them, downed them before they had a clue.

A party crashed, a man dead, a wife mourned, and fourteen wounded. I could say this, my job here was done, so it’s time to get my money. With a painful grunt, I slid up the wall, painting it with my blood. I staggered forward and found my bearings. The pain was extreme- a first for me-and I wasn’t sure if I would survive. Either way, I felt a new sensation in me- adrenaline- and resumed my leave. I got to the door and surprise-surprise? That female who pointed me out was behind me.

“Stop right there, a*****e!” I wasn’t sure how she sneaked up on me- probably the pain from being shot- but I was not in the mood to deal with a self righteous woman. I turned around and saw the fox girl from before, but this time her hands were on fire.

I searched for every piece and volume of available information in my head. Anything that could tell me, that people could wield fire like it was natural. Nothing came to mind, so I stood still and stared into her almond, furious eyes. She flung her arms forward and I was blown outside by a ball of inferno- which miraculously, avoided the guards. I landed on the stairs, rolled and bounced all the way to the bottom. I wasn’t sure how, but I stood up unfazed and with little pain- less pain actually. All my rolling and bouncing put out the flames on my body, but the damage was already done to my clothes. I was okay and breathed a sigh of relief.

I looked around and noticed the stares of many who exited the Museum safely or were late to the party. I turned my attention back on Ms. Hot-Fox, she walked out of the inflamed opening she made. Both her arms were ablaze with her increasing fury. “I don’t know how you’re still standing but you won’t get away with this! We were this close to fixing this god damn city and of all things, an ungrateful, wanna-be Thug ruined it all. God damn it! Die you, ********!”

With my mind focused, I easily avoided the torrent of flames. I had jumped to my right, rolled over my and shoulders, onto my feet in a crouched position. She was determined and didn’t give me the chance to recover. I looked up, found another big orange and red blaze coming my way. I leaped forward and landed belly first on a wet puddle. The fire ball missed me by a foot and exploded a yard behind me.

“これは危険ななっている” This was getting dangerous- in Japanese. With that in mind, I pushed off the ground, and ran to my left. I ducked and avoided another torrent that blazed over my right shoulder. At full speed, I ran towards the end of the street and she chased after me.

“Come back here you ******** coward!” No, thank you ma’am, I was more scared of her fury than her flames. Also, if I stayed too long around here, the cops might come by- later I learned they’re a private and paid service for rich areas. I ran and she blazed. I leaped, jumped, duck, dodged, and slid. Each of her torrents and balls of flames failed to touched me. To my delight and her frustration, I was too slick to be hit. “Damn it you murderer!”

I was about to turn the corner, when a small but fast ball of fire came at me. It took me off guard, since I was used to her larger flames. It hit me squared in the back and pushed me a few feet forward. I lost my balance and was about to fall, head first. If I did she would have caught me but two things kept me on my feet. One- there was no pain and two- I grasped the light pole with my right hand and swung around the corner.

She screamed murderous curses and I was sprinting down the avenue at full speed. There was a warm sensation on my back, I assumed it was the fox’s flames. It blazed, but it didn’t hurt. It ate my clothing, but not my flesh. It grew, consumed, and burned but not my body. My body strengthened. My legs moved faster, my heart hammered louder, and I was running probably seventy miles an hour.

By the time the flames died and my clothes were smoking rags. I was four blocks away from the Museum and probably a safe distance away from any pursuers. I didn’t want to take a chance, so I turned down the street and through a parking lot. Without money or nerves, I jogged the rest of the distance to the park with a big grin across my muzzle.

On my way to the park, my mind wondered about the series of events that had took place at that Museum. I assassinated a good, honest man and saw his wife’s torment. Weaved and leaped my way through a large crowd- thanks to my many senses. Shot fourteen men without killing them and eluded a fire-wielding woman with fox ears and tail. I also took fatal bullet wounds and was set on fire. Yet, here I was, jogging healthy and fine. “No problems.” I laughed, this was fun.

----------Going into Intermission

[Ciarlare]

Woah. o_o That's one angry mob. This chapter was awesome. For some reason, I don't get the feeling that the snake's a Gary Stu. o_o

I found less tense shifts this time. :3 Try getting someone to proofread the whole thing and stuff.